Ex Reaching Out After Three Years

[Kaarek]

Okay, this is odd for me. I always share my perspective with others, but I never post anything personal of my own.

So, my ex-girlfriend has reached out to me after three years since our last break up. Initially, I've messaged her on Instagram when Covid-19 turned out crazy. I wrote to both of my recent exes just to make sure they were safe and sound. Believe it or not, it's just the way I am. I don't hold grudges against anyone, and in moments of struggle, I think them being an ex shouldn't matter.

 

Now, why am I writing all of this, you might ask? You see, we broke up for a couple of reasons:

• 1) She kept one of her exes around while dating me.
• 2) She spoke with her ex's best friend, which I ultimately found out he was flirty.
• 3) She kept in contact with her best friend’s brother, with whom she had a thing.

 

The reason why I'm writing this down? I'm wondering how you would react to all of this. She ended up marrying the guy, N.3 -  He was the reason why we broke up.

She ended up marrying her best friend's brother. Then she recently divorced him and suddenly ended up writing to me again on Instagram. 

 

Now, although I took a decision already, I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. I didn't promise her anything, I didn't commit to anything, nor do we talk that much.

We spent a week or two talking about this and that, but there was no substance to it.

 

I’m not attracted to her anymore as I was in the past. The so-called “Spark” isn’t there, nor do I imagine myself being her lover again.

I eventually told her we could remain friends but nothing more. She then stopped approaching me. I presume her expectations were different.

Let's assume you were me, although you broke up with this person, inevitably you still care about them, on a human level.

 

Would you be able to forgive them and date again? Would you give them another chance at all? Would you block them? Would you be friends? 

I'd like to hear your opinion on it. What would you do and why?

P.S. Again, I already took the decision; there are no doubts. I just like to hear other people’s points of view on the topic.

 

[Happy Lemming]

I've had a few ex-girlfriends come back.  It rarely works out.  The reason that you broke up in the first place is probably still there and difficult to work around.

That being said... I did have one ex-girlfriend contact me after 18 months.  We got back together and things were going great. We did have to say "good bye" again, as she had to move away to assist with a family emergency.  I understood and agreed with her decision to move to handle the situation.

In the end, I think you made the right decision. 

For me, I don't remain friends with ex's.  I don't "block" them, but I do delete their number out of my phone, so I don't pocket dial or drunk dial them by mistake.

As for giving them a second chance, I think it would have to depend on the circumstances of the breakup.  Did she dump me because of a stupid reason or issue that went away or was it a "personality flaw" that we could not get past??

For the most part, I tend to leave the past in the past.  I NEVER contact my ex's in any way, shape or form.  I don't think it was such a good idea to message them (in the first place).  In addition, I never research what became of them or their lives, I have no idea who (in my past) got married, divorced, had kids, etc.  I just don't care. 

Just my two cents...

[Miss Spider]

No. I wouldn’t date someone who chose saw me as backup or chose someone else over me. Nor would I date someone who showed weak boundaries. Not worth it

[FMW]

I would probably forgive, but I hope I wouldn't date them again.  I say hope because I've learned in life you don't always know what you will do until you're actually faced with the situation.

I would hope I wouldn't date them again because I would suspect that if the divorce was fairly recent they were just looking for some attention and revisiting old connections is sometimes the easiest way to get it.  It wouldn't necessarily mean I was particularly anything special for them, just comfortable and convenient.

I also think that whatever problems and issues existed before would still be around.  She encouraged (and indulged in) attention from other men when you were together before.  That need for attention is likely still there.    

[Kaarek]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I've had a few ex-girlfriends come back.  It rarely works out.  The reason that you broke up in the first place is probably still there and difficult to work around.

That being said... I did have one ex-girlfriend contact me after 18 months.  We got back together and things were going great. We did have to say "good bye" again, as she had to move away to assist with a family emergency.  I understood and agreed with her decision to move to handle the situation.

In the end, I think you made the right decision. 

For me, I don't remain friends with ex's.  I don't "block" them, but I do delete their number out of my phone, so I don't pocket dial or drunk dial them by mistake.

As for giving them a second chance, I think it would have to depend on the circumstances of the breakup.  Did she dump me because of a stupid reason or issue that went away or was it a "personality flaw" that we could not get past??

For the most part, I tend to leave the past in the past.  I NEVER contact my ex's in any way, shape or form.  I don't think it was such a good idea to message them (in the first place).  In addition, I never research what became of them or their lives, I have no idea who (in my past) got married, divorced, had kids, etc.  I just don't care. 

Just my two cents...

I get it. I didn't contact her with any expectations during covid-19.

This will make me sound so self-centered, but I was the one that ended the relationship. I had a feeling she still had a thing with her best friend’s brother. It turns out my gut-feeling was right on point.

But I understand your view about it. Contacting exes is never a smart move. After all, they're exes for a reason. That's also the main reason I told her right away that we will never be able to be a couple again. I didn't say it in a cocky way, nor did I say it to elevate my Ego. I want neither me nor her, waste our time trying to repair something that isn't there anymore.

My mindset and my overall life have changed over these past three years. She, on the other hand, hasn't changed a lot. She initially said she did, although, during these two weeks we spoke, I could see she was negatively impacting me just by being present.

That’s when I stopped writing and realized it was a bad idea to continue talking in the first place.

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, Kaarek said:

That’s when I stopped writing and realized it was a bad idea to continue talking in the first place.

Well, you realized your mistake.  Promise yourself you will NEVER EVER contact an ex-girlfriend again and move on with life.

If you get bored, post something about your day on Loveshack....

"Let sleeping dogs lie" -- Geoffrey Chaucer

[Kaarek]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Well, you realized your mistake.  Promise yourself you will NEVER EVER contact an ex-girlfriend again and move on with life.

If you get bored, post something about your day on Loveshack....

"Let sleeping dogs lie" -- Geoffrey Chaucer

You have a point. Thanks for sharing your point of view with me

[Kaarek]

35 minutes ago, FMW said:

I also think that whatever problems and issues existed before would still be around.  She encouraged (and indulged in) attention from other men when you were together before.  That need for attention is likely still there.    

She did indulge the attention, that was the main reason of our break up. I didn't find it respectful towards me as her lover. Now, I had my faults as well, of course I made mistakes. Anyway, lesson learned, never write to an ex even during a pandemic

[GeorgiaPeach1]

When people suddenly reappear like magic after a significant time has passed, it's usually because something has gone down in flames in their life and they need a hit of validation. 

[Ruby Slippers]

No, I don't think it's a good idea to go backward. I agree that in second, third, fourth... chances, the same problems usually emerge. 

A friend of mine is talking to her ex right now, considering trying again, which will be the 4th or 5th go-round with him over several years. I'm pretty sure if she does, they'll go through the same issues they've had every single time and she'll be in the same spot whenever it breaks down. Of course, I hope it works out for her, but I think the odds are very low that it will. 

My ex from 6 months ago has tried to get back together a few times, and I eventually just stopped answering his messages, as I'm pretty sure it would be the same old stuff over again and I don't see the point. Onward and upward.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Kaarek said:

Then she recently divorced him and suddenly ended up writing to me again on Instagram. 

Whenever an ex reaches out suddenly, it's for their own purposes. In this case she's backtracking through her contacts to look for shoulders to cry on and voids to fill.  She can talk to a therapist for $250/hr. why do this for free? It's not a happy ending for you.

[notbroken]

She's grasping at straws after a divorce.   She dumped you already while maintaining contacts.  She'll do it again.  I'd be polite but never date her again.  Why spend time and effort on her when there are 4 billion other women on earth?   Next!

[smackie9]

Befriends with them? no....date them again after how everything was handled? Big fat no. There is no reason to even be talking. It was over long time ago, there is no purpose or reason to even entertain the idea of having her back in your life. Wish her all the best. Block delete and move on...

Edited December 14, 2020 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

Well, if you already “decided”that you aren’t going to date your ex of 3 years ago who got married and divorced in that time, then why did you create this thread? Just curious. 

It would be a huge mistake for you to go back and date her. Huge. 

[MsJayne]

No, I wouldn't give her the time of day. She sounds like a narcissistic pain in the azz. 

[Kaarek]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Well, if you already “decided”that you aren’t going to date your ex of 3 years ago who got married and divorced in that time, then why did you create this thread? Just curious. 

It would be a huge mistake for you to go back and date her. Huge.

I'm self-aware of my actions, and everything I share or do in general. Often, I like to see how others visualize things. This was as a way to get some input from different people. Of course, I found it a little silly to post about it, but I was eager to see other's responses.

[FMW]

I don't think it's silly to be curious about what others would think, whether or not we NEED that input to make a decision.  I think it's good to check in with how others see things.  

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Kaarek said:

I'm self-aware of my actions, and everything I share or do in general. Often, I like to see how others visualize things. This was as a way to get some input from different people. Of course, I found it a little silly to post about it, but I was eager to see other's responses.

The problem with that reasoning is that we’re not you, so we will not respond to this situation the way that you have already. If you want feedback on your actions, that’s more reasonable to ask. But to ask for opinions on a situation that you say you won’t take action on, makes no sense to me. That’s like asking someone for their opinion about something you have no plans to do anything about. 

I’m not saying you’re not self aware. I’m sensing that you want to pursue her, but don’t want to admit it. It’s never a good idea to try dating an ex after years have passed. The problems that exist with that person will never go away. So, you will have the same problems with her, that you had before. That’s why you two weren’t compatible enough to sustain a long-term relationship. 

It doesn’t make sense to pursue someone who you’re not compatible with, and you know you’re not compatible with. 

[Kaarek]

10 hours ago, Watercolors said:

The problem with that reasoning is that we’re not you, so we will not respond to this situation the way that you have already. If you want feedback on your actions, that’s more reasonable to ask. But to ask for opinions on a situation that you say you won’t take action on, makes no sense to me. That’s like asking someone for their opinion about something you have no plans to do anything about. 

I’m not saying you’re not self aware. I’m sensing that you want to pursue her, but don’t want to admit it. It’s never a good idea to try dating an ex after years have passed. The problems that exist with that person will never go away. So, you will have the same problems with her, that you had before. That’s why you two weren’t compatible enough to sustain a long-term relationship. 

It doesn’t make sense to pursue someone who you’re not compatible with, and you know you’re not compatible with. 

Initially, I've thought about it, of course. But then I realized I've moved on with my life. I'm in a different stage of my life, and I wouldn't be able to be more with her. Let alone, I wouldn't jump in a relationship with someone that just divorced with the same guy I was suspecting of having a thing with. I'd have to be really stupid to do that. But thank you for stressing the topic. I can clearly see you'd like me to not take that path, to re-unite with her.

Kind Regards,

Gabriel

[Watercolors]

29 minutes ago, Kaarek said:

Initially, I've thought about it, of course. But then I realized I've moved on with my life. I'm in a different stage of my life, and I wouldn't be able to be more with her. Let alone, I wouldn't jump in a relationship with someone that just divorced with the same guy I was suspecting of having a thing with. I'd have to be really stupid to do that. But thank you for stressing the topic. I can clearly see you'd like me to not take that path, to re-unite with her.

Kind Regards,

Gabriel

Gabriel, but you reached out to her “to check on her due to Covid.” C’mon. I didn’t feel the need to reach out to any of my exes when Covid hit. Why would I? They’ve moved on. I’ve moved on. There’s literally no reason to dredge up the past with someone. 

So, I see a lot of rationalizing coming from you, about why you chose to reach out to her. It was because you miss her, knew she was available again because of her divorce, and thought about dating here again. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I think men are much more likely to reach out to exes than women, in general. Almost every man I've been involved with has contacted me weeks, months, or even years after the breakup to say hello, whereas I never initiate contact after a breakup. Sometimes they're clearly curious about possibly trying again, but sometimes they just want to say happy birthday or Merry Christmas and how are you. I'm not sure why they do this, but I've definitely noticed the pattern.

[peach302]

On 12/14/2020 at 1:29 PM, Kaarek said:

Okay, this is odd for me. I always share my perspective with others, but I never post anything personal of my own.

So, my ex-girlfriend has reached out to me after three years since our last break up. Initially, I've messaged her on Instagram when Covid-19 turned out crazy. I wrote to both of my recent exes just to make sure they were safe and sound. Believe it or not, it's just the way I am. I don't hold grudges against anyone, and in moments of struggle, I think them being an ex shouldn't matter.

 

Now, why am I writing all of this, you might ask? You see, we broke up for a couple of reasons:

• 1) She kept one of her exes around while dating me.
• 2) She spoke with her ex's best friend, which I ultimately found out he was flirty.
• 3) She kept in contact with her best friend’s brother, with whom she had a thing.

 

The reason why I'm writing this down? I'm wondering how you would react to all of this. She ended up marrying the guy, N.3 -  He was the reason why we broke up.

She ended up marrying her best friend's brother. Then she recently divorced him and suddenly ended up writing to me again on Instagram. 

 

Now, although I took a decision already, I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. I didn't promise her anything, I didn't commit to anything, nor do we talk that much.

We spent a week or two talking about this and that, but there was no substance to it.

 

I’m not attracted to her anymore as I was in the past. The so-called “Spark” isn’t there, nor do I imagine myself being her lover again.

I eventually told her we could remain friends but nothing more. She then stopped approaching me. I presume her expectations were different.

Let's assume you were me, although you broke up with this person, inevitably you still care about them, on a human level.

 

Would you be able to forgive them and date again? Would you give them another chance at all? Would you block them? Would you be friends? 

I'd like to hear your opinion on it. What would you do and why?

P.S. Again, I already took the decision; there are no doubts. I just like to hear other people’s points of view on the topic.

 

If i was you I'd keep it short and sweet but wouldn't  continue to speak. 

Keep your self respect in tact. 

[alphamale]

8 minutes ago, peach302 said:

If i was you I'd keep it short and sweet but wouldn't  continue to speak. 

Keep your self respect in tact. 

^^^this

[Miss Spider]

I’m a woman, but I’ve reached out to every single one of my exes up until a year later. And for the record, each one responded and was willing to get back 

[Kaarek]

6 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Gabriel, but you reached out to her “to check on her due to Covid.” C’mon. I didn’t feel the need to reach out to any of my exes when Covid hit. Why would I? They’ve moved on. I’ve moved on. There’s literally no reason to dredge up the past with someone. 

So, I see a lot of rationalizing coming from you, about why you chose to reach out to her. It was because you miss her, knew she was available again because of her divorce, and thought about dating here again. 

I think you're expressing your point of view based on Your experience. I've messaged her around March because she kept liking my Instagram pictures, I didn't even know she had me followed there in the first place.

Then I've thought it would do no harm to simply ask if she was safe and sound, I had a girlfriend at the time, so no, I didn't have in mind to "get back with her". But that doesn't mean I hate her. I still care about her on a human level, and if you think that's wrong, that's okay. We all behave, think, and do things differently.

She only messaged me 20 days ago, I had no idea about the divorce. She initially tried to cover that up, then eventually told me the whole story.

 I simply talked to her normally like I would with any other human being.