Will he be back? Cancelled date over an argument after talking for 3 weeks

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Interesting theories. Maybe he’s not an abuser and just a crazy, arrogant weirdo. Doesn’t sound like he liked you very much. 

Precisely my point.  Referencing elaine's post he just doesn't fit the description.

Just your everyday run of the mill arrogant weirdo with a REALLY bad temper, who pisses off easily.  Possibly a misogynist.  Although I dislike labeling people.  

I don't think he liked her much either. 

Sorry bb.

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I’m actually really glad for her and hope it’s the case. Best thing that could come of this is that he stays gone. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’m actually really glad for her and hope it’s the case. Best thing that could come of this is that he stays gone. 

True, I am sorry she got disappointed/hurt though. 

[spiderowl]

OP, you cannot understand his behaviour because it is not normal behaviour. The guy has an explosive temper; he cannot tolerate people disagreeing with him or doubting him. He is dangerous.

[astutise]

On 12/17/2020 at 7:25 PM, poppyfields said:

 

Hi Bailey, I may be way off here, but I am seeing this a bit differently now.   Because what’s happening now is bb is not tolerating it, because HE is not offering anything for her to tolerate!  He has not reached out apologizing as abusers tend to do.   He is DONE.    

Which suggests he may not be an abuser because if he were, he would have reached out apologizing, begging forgiveness for his ugly words and verbal attack and bb would have forgiven thus continuing the toxic abusive dynamic.   No doubt he has other issues, an explosive temper, a distrust and/or dislike of women in general, among other issues, but not an "abuser" as is typically defined.  JMO.

My thinking now is he has abusive tendencies but is perhaps aware enough to know his triggers and knows to stay away from those who set off those triggers.    Sort of like me with my anxiety,  I am aware of my anxiety triggers so I stay away from those things and people who trigger them.

Bb posted she initiated the argument as silly as it was, which set him off.  That is all we know.  We don’t know what else went down between them, all we know is whatever was said, it triggered him, he lashed out BUT then to his credit, HE ended.  Harshly yes, but he did end it.  He is done.

OR he is a recovering abuser and along the same lines, knows to stay away from those things and women who trigger him.   Perhaps ALL women trigger him, who knows.   Otherwise, he would be following the typical path of most if not all abusers and reached out, apologizing, begging for another chance.

The fact he has not speaks volumes!  At least to me.  Bb, the man is done.  If he were inclined to reach out, he would have done so already.

I am not blaming you, this is not your fault.  Some people just don’t mesh well, they set off toxic triggers in each other thus creating a dysfunctional dynamic.  My guess is you got on well for three weeks, but then after your fight, he realized it’s not going to work, he doesn’t believe you are the right fit, which of course you’re not.   Nor is he the right fit for you.  Clearly.

Just my take, I could be wrong.

I am truly sorry this didn't work out.  Hopefully, lesson learned for your next interaction/relationship.  xo

 

 

This is overcomplicating it, I think.

Going back to basics, he behaved in an abusive way. Which makes him an abuser. There's no stratification system for this kind of behaviour - and its dangerous for vulnerable people like BB to suggest to them that there is. Its also a big stretch to say he might be a recovering abuser - abusive people rarely become this! It is far more plausible that he tested the waters, BB didn't succumb as much as he'd liked (by questioning the pre-dinner walk and daring to share her negative feelings towards him) and he thought this isn't worth investing his 'niceness'. He even said himself -  it isn't worth it 'trying to be nice' - who says that??? 'Trying' to be nice??? As if his default self is to be horrible but he has recognised that a 'strain' of dating is having to be nice to lure someone in.

Its very clear all in all, that he is abusive and a manipulator. And all of this he may just be 'arrogant' but not 'abusive' - its quite odd, as though arrogance is a more acceptable reason to behave poorly. I would say all abusers are arrogant anyway. 

I kind of get the impression PF, that you are sensitive and hearing stories of bad behaviour makes you anxious and causes cognitive dissonance and you try to reconcile this anxious state by trying out many different explanations, some not as 'bad' as others to maybe feel a bit safer..but here, I think it could be a dangerous thing to do with someone fragile and vulnerable as the OP when we shouldn't be offering her 'maybes' to toy around with and feed her propensity to give the benefit of the doubt and rather, offer the straight up obvious truths: he's dangerous. 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, astutise said:

This is overcomplicating it, I think.

Going back to basics, he behaved in an abusive way. Which makes him an abuser. There's no stratification system for this kind of behaviour - and its dangerous for vulnerable people like BB to suggest to them that there is. Its also a big stretch to say he might be a recovering abuser - abusive people rarely become this! It is far more plausible that he tested the waters, BB didn't succumb as much as he'd liked (by questioning the pre-dinner walk and daring to share her negative feelings towards him) and he thought this isn't worth investing his 'niceness'. He even said himself -  it isn't worth it 'trying to be nice' - who says that??? 'Trying' to be nice??? As if his default self is to be horrible but he has recognised that a 'strain' of dating is having to be nice to lure someone in.

Its very clear all in all, that he is abusive and a manipulator. And all of this he may just be 'arrogant' but not 'abusive' - its quite odd, as though arrogance is a more acceptable reason to behave poorly. I would say all abusers are arrogant anyway. 

I kind of get the impression PF, that you are sensitive and hearing stories of bad behaviour makes you anxious and causes cognitive dissonance and you try to reconcile this anxious state by trying out many different explanations, some not as 'bad' as others to maybe feel a bit safer..but here, I think it could be a dangerous thing to do with someone fragile and vulnerable as the OP when we shouldn't be offering her 'maybes' to toy around with and feed her propensity to give the benefit of the doubt and rather, offer the straight up obvious truths: he's dangerous. 

Fair points however, contrary to him not believing BB to be the right fit because she did not "succumb," she was the perfect fit!

She reached out to him after his verbally abusive tirade apologizing, an abusive man couldn't find a more perfect fit! 

But you are right, he was abusive clearly, no argument from me.  But he also was/is not interested in BB, that much is clear too.

Who know why, but he's not.  My guess is he "wants" perhaps needs a stronger woman who will stand up to him and his abusive BS, not a woman who calls apologizing after he debases her.  

A woman like Celeste in Big Little Lies.  Who took absolutely no crap from her verbally and physically abusive husband Perry, to the contrary she gave it right back!  

Not all abusers want nor are attracted to a passive weak woman, that's a misnomer.

At this point, it's probably a moot point anyway, no doubt BB has moved on by now, at least I hope she has. 

Edited December 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[astutise]

OP, he has done you a HUGE favour by showing you this side early on, before you even met!

A few months ago, I posted here about similar behaviour from a guy who I had been seeing for a few months where he hid this side to his personality for 2 months - we had gone on many fun dates, had lots of deep conversations and I had zero inclination that he had a bad temper, a preference for blaming me for his overreactions to the slightest sign that I didn't perceive him as 100% perfect, when he eventually showed it, I was bewildered. Felt like dealing with Jeckyll + Hyde. I felt disappointed like you and also attached, but nonetheless ended it and after the disappointment and feelings of losing something promising, I felt happy to not miss him - or rather what I thought he was - anymore. 

I was glad he showed me that side a few months in rather than years.....the getting over it stage would have been far worse. As it would have for you. Take the time to feel disappointed and whatnot, then you'll feel better. 

[astutise]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fair points however, contrary to him not believing BB to be the right fit because she did not "succumb," she was the perfect fit!

She reached out to him after his verbally abusive tirade apologizing, an abusive man couldn't find a more perfect fit! 

But you are right, he was abusive clearly, no argument from me.  But he also was/is not interested in BB, that much is clear too.

Who know why, but he's not.  My guess is he "wants" perhaps needs a stronger woman who will stand up to him and his abusive BS, not a woman who calls apologizing after he debases her.  

A woman like Celeste in Big Little Lies.  

At this point, it's probably a moot point, no doubt BB has moved on by now, at least I hope she has. 

Maybe. There's that famous diagnosed narcissist on youtube who makes videos outlining how narcissists think - I'm not saying this guy is one but one video of his I remember is that he states people of his type who are 'high ranging narcs' go for 'super empaths' as its an extra challenge to extract supply from them or something like that whereas 'mid ranging' ones go for more run-of-the-mill vulnerable empathic people. Of course, this is all his own ideas so difficult to say if it is true.

One thing I do think though, is that the current pandemic must be driving abusers pretty mad and I think making them having a far less tolerance to preserve their inner frustration and bitterness to put on a fake show. She did put up somewhat of a resistance - she apologised but then she still dared to voice her truth that she might be a bit standoffish because she didn't like the way he'd spoken to her...I can just picture him blowing up at this, thinking 'oh for goodness sake, just when I thought she would be easy supply to prop my ego and allow me to extract - insert whatever ego-boosting/unfilled need he has - she still shows signs of SOME self-esteem, as if life isn't hard enough already for me at the moment!' and then proceeding to sack it off - especially if he had a line-up of other women showing more promising 'ripe for sacking' qualities. 

Edited December 20, 2020 by astutise

[poppyfields]

@astutiseI'm sorry you experienced that.  Which is the typical abuser's modus operandi, a few months of awesomeness to pull you in after which his true ugly colors surface. 

Bb and this bozo talked for a mere three weeks and never met. 

She initiated a silly fight, he went psycho, she called apologizing but he was DONE.  She couldn't let go and began obsessing

I really think what would be best for BB is to stop vilifying him and begin looking within to determine why she allowed herself to form such an unhealthy attachment to a man after a mere three weeks of chat ending with a nasty verbal tirade. 

 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, astutise said:

Maybe. There's that famous diagnosed narcissist on youtube who makes videos outlining how narcissists think -

Yikes is he recovered? Where are the papers and  how can people believe what he says? If he’s a true narcissist, isn’t it likely he is just saying whatever gets attention, makes him look good, or gets him ahead? A little like the epimenides paradox...

Edited December 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[astutise]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yikes is he recovered? Where are the papers and  how can people believe what he says? If he’s a true narcissist, isn’t it likely he is just just saying whatever gets attention, makes him look good, or gets him ahead? A little like the epimenides paradox...

He doesn't reveal who he is - he goes by a fake name HG Tudor and claims he was forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation by the courts, where he was diagnosed NPD and his therapists suggested making these videos to explain how the mind of a narc works as part of his therapy. I think he stated somewhere though he doesn't this this because he has empathy, but that that it is in line with his worldview to empower victims. 

I dunno if its true but what I would say, is he certainly seems to know the finer nuances of npd and abusive relationships very well.

[Miss Spider]

At the very least his world view of gaining ad revenue and popularity off YouTube. But true, doesn’t mean what he says has no validity. That’s interesting. I will have to look more into this. Thanks 

Edited December 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[pinkpaw]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@astutiseI'm sorry you experienced that.  Which is the typical abuser's modus operandi, a few months of awesomeness to pull you in after which his true ugly colors surface. 

Bb and this bozo talked for a mere three weeks and never met. 

She initiated a silly fight, he went psycho, she called apologizing but he was DONE.  She couldn't let go and began obsessing

I really think what would be best for BB is to stop vilifying him and begin looking within to determine why she allowed herself to form such an unhealthy attachment to a man after a mere three weeks of chat ending with a nasty verbal tirade. 

 

It's the usual codependency cocktail:

- loneliness/afraid to be lonely

- low self esteem 

- a new source of affection/attention fills a void

- unhealthy attachment style - likely anxious 

- looking for the fantasy most of us ladies were conditioned into by society

And for the bumper booster edition: 

Covid codependency cocktail: the above features on steroids thanks to pandemic pressures.

 

[Calmandfocused]

13 hours ago, astutise said:

He doesn't reveal who he is - he goes by a fake name HG Tudor and claims he was forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation by the courts, where he was diagnosed NPD and his therapists suggested making these videos to explain how the mind of a narc works as part of his therapy. I think he stated somewhere though he doesn't this this because he has empathy, but that that it is in line with his worldview to empower victims. 

I dunno if its true but what I would say, is he certainly seems to know the finer nuances of npd and abusive relationships very well.

Correct! 
 

He’s brilliant, incredibly sick but he’s brilliant. 
 

The public reaction gives him his narcissistic supply and fulfil the 3 prime aims of narcissism.
 

This is why he helps victims. Not because he cares about victims - he does not care! He does It because feeds his narcissistic “false self” superiority. If the victims win as a result of his work, he wins! 
 

As I said he’s brilliant and very intelligent. But that doesn’t take away the fact that he’s a complete toss pot and potentially a very dangerous individual. 

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas. I would like to provide an update. One that I hope will make you proud of me!

The guy did come back. He apologised to me. He asked if we could meet up and “start things over”.

I told him I could not date him again after what happened. He then threw another temper tantrum (“after what happened? You implying I did something wrong? You have hard feelings towards me? I don’t want to meet you now, forget it!”).

Rather than simply absorbing it this time and letting him have the last word, this time I went into full defence mode. I gave him a real piece of my mind and how he deserves zero time from me anymore and asked him to NEVER contact me again. He was stunned to see this side of me. And he became afraid of me.

And this is all thanks to you I am truly grateful to each one of you for helping me to really see this for what it was. Thank you. Have a great New Year everyone

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Hopefully you blocked and deleted him so you can move forward.

[Calmandfocused]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas. I would like to provide an update. One that I hope will make you proud of me!

The guy did come back. He apologised to me. He asked if we could meet up and “start things over”.

I told him I could not date him again after what happened. He then threw another temper tantrum (“after what happened? You implying I did something wrong? You have hard feelings towards me? I don’t want to meet you now, forget it!”).

Rather than simply absorbing it this time and letting him have the last word, this time I went into full defence mode. I gave him a real piece of my mind and how he deserves zero time from me anymore and asked him to NEVER contact me again. He was stunned to see this side of me. And he became afraid of me.

And this is all thanks to you I am truly grateful to each one of you for helping me to really see this for what it was. Thank you. Have a great New Year everyone

I knew he’d come back. 

However; Well Done Girl!!!

You had me worried at one point. I honestly thought you’d fall back into this bozo’s charms. I’m so happy I was wrong... Hey I’m glad I was wrong! 

Of course he was scared. You saw behind the mask. You’ve saved yourself and for that you should be proud of yourself. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Good for you. Glad to hear that you have blocked the psycho. May he stay blocked