Will he be back? Cancelled date over an argument after talking for 3 weeks

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

at no point am I ‘easily manipulatable’. I know exactly what is going on- my attachment to people is something that is just so overpowering and it is getting better with time and experiences like this.

Unfortunately, you apologizing to him after he was an ass to you indicates the exact opposite to him. 

Being aware of one's own problems doesn't mean the wrong kind of people won't take full advantage of those problems. In other words, the knowledge you possess about yourself isn't showing up in the message you're sending him. Your reactions to him tell him that you are an easy target. 

[Watercolors]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am still missing this guy a lot as I say after the 3-week daily conversations. Be it the ‘grooming/hook’ or whatever they were, in the end we are human beings who do respond well to companionship especially if that communication and companionship feels genuine.

Why are you missing him? That's just not a normal response, I'm sorry. You and he never even met in person or went on a real date. You did not have a relationship with him. This was not companionship either.

 

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Babybrowns, you have a definite pattern in dating/relationships. You tend to get very over-invested in men that you barely know, placing expectations on them that are just not realistic expectations to make of someone you barely know. Case in point, you got in an argument with a man that you have never met. You have a false sense of security because you have been talking with him for weeks, but you have never met the man - and you should NEVER meet a man who talks to you in this way. Furthermore, you tend to hang on way, way, way too long... Case in point, you are asking the question “will he come back” when you should be glad that he has shown you who he really is before you invest more of your time. You put up with far more than you should from these men, trying to make it work when they are lukewarm at best...

babybrowns, please take a break from online dating for your own well-being. I think you could really benefit from some cognitive therapy to help you unlearn this very unhealthy attachment style you take on with these men you meet through online dating.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Watercolors

[balletomane]

12 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I really am finding your posts very helpful poppyfields, they are really making me self-reflect, as are all posts on here. But I just want to point out, in order to sound less crazy at the least, that it wasn’t 3 weeks of online chat- it was a combination of video calling, voice messages and texts into that. I feel that we just clicked quite quickly, I really enjoyed talking to him and he enjoyed talking to me too. He was actually texting me more than I was texting him, bringing up our first date really frequently and talking about planning it and all. and he would always jump to reply to any text or voice note that I sent him. 3 weeks may be a short space of time but when companionship like this develops so intensely I think anyone would feel the withdrawal effects if it all stopped so suddenly and unexpectedly.
 

I like your posts ExpatInItaly, they are always full of wisdom and insight but I would strongly disagree with this statement alone. I would say that I am perhaps much too forgiving, and get much too emotionally attached to people to the point that it overrides what the logical part of my head is saying, but at no point am I ‘easily manipulatable’. I know exactly what is going on- my attachment to people is something that is just so overpowering and it is getting better with time and experiences like this.

Babybrowns, I get the sense you're starting to feel a bit attacked and overwhelmed here. You don't have to justify yourself and prove you're not "crazy". The advice you are getting is not any criticism of your character, it's an attempt to draw your attention to dangers that your attachment style may be blinding you to.

There was no companionship in what you describe. I appreciate that it may sting to hear this, but the reality is that three weeks of intense texting, video calls, and voice messages with someone you haven't met yet aren't signs of a strong developing connection. No one, I repeat no one, can honestly get to know a person in those circumstances. Someone who smothers you with attention like that has very weak boundaries at best and is predatory and manipulative at worst. Unfortunately the two things fit together very well - those with weak boundaries tend to attract manipulative people, because their difficulty with asserting themselves and setting limits means they will not only tolerate manipulative behaviour, they will also excuse it, gloss over it, and extend chance after chance. This pattern of behaviour is evident from everything you've said about your interactions with this man.

People with a more robust and secure attachment style would not see it as natural to become so deeply attached after three weeks of voice chats and video calls. They also wouldn't be surprised that a man who was prepared to invest so much time in a stranger he hadn't met would then cut things off so abruptly and viciously. How he ended it was extreme, but so was how he began it. You are seeing his behaviour as contradictory, when really it's all of a piece.

I spent two years in an abusive relationship with a man who was very similar to this. He would go from being almost cloyingly affectionate to paranoid and vicious at the drop of a hat. At the time I was bewildered by what seemed like such a sudden change. Through therapy I was able to see that these things were all linked, and that he was actually very predictable. Therapy also helped me to learn why I had got into and stayed in that relationship in the first place. I would echo other posters' advice and suggest that you see a therapist too. It's not an insult and it doesn't mean you're "crazy", it just means that you need an objective outsider to help you untangle difficult thought patterns that you have become tangled up in over time. It's very hard to cut loose on your own.

Edited December 16, 2020 by balletomane

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

Babybrowns, I get the sense you're starting to feel a bit attacked and overwhelmed here. You don't have to justify yourself and prove you're not "crazy". The advice you are getting is not any criticism of your character, it's an attempt to draw your attention to dangers that your attachment style may be blinding you to.

There was no companionship in what you describe. I appreciate that it may sting to hear this, but the reality is that three weeks of intense texting, video calls, and voice messages with someone you haven't met yet aren't signs of a strong developing connection. No one, I repeat no one, can honestly get to know a person in those circumstances. Someone who smothers you with attention like that has very weak boundaries at best and is predatory and manipulative at worst. Unfortunately the two things fit together very well - those with weak boundaries tend to attract manipulative people, because their difficulty with asserting themselves and setting limits means they will not only tolerate manipulative behaviour, they will also excuse it, gloss over it, and extend chance after chance. This pattern of behaviour is evident from everything you've said about your interactions with this man.

People with a more robust and secure attachment style would not see it as natural to become so deeply attached after three weeks of voice chats and video calls. They also wouldn't be surprised that a man who was prepared to invest so much time in a stranger he hadn't met would then cut things off so abruptly and viciously. How he ended it was extreme, but so was how he began it. You are seeing his behaviour as contradictory, when really it's all of a piece.

I spent two years in an abusive relationship with a man who was very similar to this. He would go from being almost cloyingly affectionate to paranoid and vicious at the drop of a hat. At the time I was bewildered by what seemed like such a sudden change. Through therapy I was able to see that these things were all linked, and that he was actually very predictable. Therapy also helped me to learn why I had got into and stayed in that relationship in the first place. I would echo other posters' advice and suggest that you see a therapist too. It's not an insult and it doesn't mean you're "crazy", it just means that you need an objective outsider to help you untangle difficult thought patterns that you have become tangled up in over time. It's very hard to cut loose on your own.

This is an excellent post. I really hope this helps you BB. 
 

Another thing to note is that abusers always target nice, caring, trusting, empathic individuals. In other words: Nice people.

 

You clearly are a very nice person BB. Don’t change this about yourself BB but you need to understand that you are a prime target for theses types and you need to be careful. 
 

OLD platforms are swarming with Narcissist’s and Abusers looking for suitable Victims. It’s their ideal playground! They will be looking at your suitability before either of you have said your first word. And you will be “tested” before you even meet them like this guy has tested you. 
 

One of my former abusers admitted that he stared at my pictures for hours prior to meeting me for the first time. He said he did this “wondering” about the sort of person I am. Translation: He was assessing my suitability to put up with his abusive ways from the get go. 
 

Freaky!!! 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

There was no companionship in what you describe. I appreciate that it may sting to hear this, but the reality is that three weeks of intense texting, video calls, and voice messages with someone you haven't met yet aren't signs of a strong developing connection. 

People with a more robust and secure attachment style would not see it as natural to become so deeply attached after three weeks of voice chats and video calls. 

This is so true. The frequent calls, video calls, and texts tends to create a false sense of security, a feeling that you know this person when in reality, you have never met this man. Relationships evolve over time, and they develop best in person. 

I appreciate that it is difficult to date at the best of times, not to mention during a pandemic. Online dating for many is the best or only option. But, the fact that you are talking with strangers online should give you more caution, not less. People who have a secure attachment style may be excited to meet a man, but they would not be attaching so strongly to a man before meeting. Sadly, there are men who are online looking for victims - they want your money, or they are looking for a relationship as an abusive partner. You can’t afford to feel sorry for these men, to give them the benefit of the doubt, to give them another chance to take advantage of you. 

[Miss Spider]

I have learned from giving advice here and to my own friends that nothing, I repeat,  nothing will stop someone from making stupid dating decisions. You are asking someone to use logic with something that is mostly emotional. It isn’t going to work. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[spiderowl]

20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I really am finding your posts very helpful poppyfields, they are really making me self-reflect, as are all posts on here. But I just want to point out, in order to sound less crazy at the least, that it wasn’t 3 weeks of online chat- it was a combination of video calling, voice messages and texts into that. I feel that we just clicked quite quickly, I really enjoyed talking to him and he enjoyed talking to me too. He was actually texting me more than I was texting him, bringing up our first date really frequently and talking about planning it and all. and he would always jump to reply to any text or voice note that I sent him. 3 weeks may be a short space of time but when companionship like this develops so intensely I think anyone would feel the withdrawal effects if it all stopped so suddenly and unexpectedly.
 

I like your posts ExpatInItaly, they are always full of wisdom and insight but I would strongly disagree with this statement alone. I would say that I am perhaps much too forgiving, and get much too emotionally attached to people to the point that it overrides what the logical part of my head is saying, but at no point am I ‘easily manipulatable’. I know exactly what is going on- my attachment to people is something that is just so overpowering and it is getting better with time and experiences like this.

Amidst all the wonderful, insightful and educational posts on here, I really want to thank you for this post spiderowl since it really does unravel my situation fully. It helps to truly open my eyes to what this is, beyond what I knew it to be. It is really helping me. I’ve just not had that much experience with abusive men; just two (this one and one last summer which has been brought up in this thread), so it is still a bit of a learning curve for me. 
 

Thank you everyone so much for your posts so far; each one is helping me so much. Compared to where I was 2 days ago I am feeling a little stronger. I am still missing this guy a lot as I say after the 3-week daily conversations. Be it the ‘grooming/hook’ or whatever they were, in the end we are human beings who do respond well to companionship especially if that communication and companionship feels genuine.

The guy himself actually helped me see all the nice 3 weeks in a slightly different angle when he was announcing his departure, since one of the last things he said to me before ending our association was “I’m fed up of dating and trying to be nice to people”. This reinforces what spiderowl and many others on here have said; it seemed that this guy atleast partly tried to put on a ‘nice guy act’ in that initial ‘honeymoon period’ and then revealed his true, horrific colours at a time that he got angry about something so small. Wondering why I “don’t trust his intentions”. And then ending it completely and abruptly when I told him I was a bit hurt by his abuse but still willing to see him- oh the irony.

Thank you, BB. This is a learning experience and as such is often painful. I am so glad you have seen how he is trying to come across as a nice person. You really did pick up on that turn of phrase and see what it implied. I feel sure the reason he has not dated much (so he says) is that he eventually flips into explosive anger and women opt out in a hurry. 

I learned the hard way not to trust what men online say about themselves without supporting evidence. For example, I could say I was hurt by my ex and how awful he was, when in fact I might be totally lying. You would not know any different because you do not know my ex, my history, my family, my friends. In truth, you know little about me other than what I have told you and maybe I made half of that up. You see the problem?  It’s horrible to be so mistrusting, I know, but online it is also necessary for your safety. 

I know you will learn from this. Be aware of your own vulnerabilities: a (natural) desire for connection and love; a desire to help and support people; a wish to give people the benefit of the doubt; maybe a feeling that you do not deserve to be treated with love and kindness.

You can set standards for how you wish to be treated. Believe me, dropping guys who do not treat you well only makes room for those who do. Strangely enough, having that internal guidance results in decent guys appearing on the scene - irrespective of your looks, status or wealth. It is as if people sense when you value yourself and are attracted to that, So don’t feel that giving up on this guy will leave you bereft. There will be someone much better in the near future x

Edited December 16, 2020 by spiderowl
Sorry, thought I was responding to post to me, must have quoted wrong message

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, too bad, if you apologized to him after telling him you want nothing to do with him it conveys the opposite message.  

Your focus is on those outside of you.  You are putting them before your own happiness.  Acknowledging that you get attached easily but doing nothing about it means you can do a lot better--it's not enough

[babybrowns]

On 12/16/2020 at 7:13 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, you apologizing to him after he was an ass to you indicates the exact opposite to him. 

Being aware of one's own problems doesn't mean the wrong kind of people won't take full advantage of those problems. In other words, the knowledge you possess about yourself isn't showing up in the message you're sending him. Your reactions to him tell him that you are an easy target. 

 

This makes a lot of sense. I thank you for it. I can definitely see how he thought of me as a target. I wouldn’t be surprised now if he came back just for seeing that I was prepared to continue after all the abuse.
 

On 12/16/2020 at 3:59 AM, BaileyB said:

I agree. 

Babybrowns, you have a definite pattern in dating/relationships. You tend to get very over-invested in men that you barely know, placing expectations on them that are just not realistic expectations to make of someone you barely know. Case in point, you got in an argument with a man that you have never met. You have a false sense of security because you have been talking with him for weeks, but you have never met the man - and you should NEVER meet a man who talks to you in this way. Furthermore, you tend to hang on way, way, way too long... Case in point, you are asking the question “will he come back” when you should be glad that he has shown you who he really is before you invest more of your time. You put up with far more than you should from these men, trying to make it work when they are lukewarm at best...

Yes I agree with this. I become far too invested and too quickly. The logical part of me, which is now starting to encroach on the emotional part of me too, is hoping that he doesn’t come back for my sake. There was no need for him to say the nasty things that he did, he clearly just wants an outlet for his personal frustrations.

 

22 hours ago, balletomane said:

There was no companionship in what you describe. I appreciate that it may sting to hear this, but the reality is that three weeks of intense texting, video calls, and voice messages with someone you haven't met yet aren't signs of a strong developing connection. No one, I repeat no one, can honestly get to know a person in those circumstances. Someone who smothers you with attention like that has very weak boundaries at best and is predatory and manipulative at worst. Unfortunately the two things fit together very well - those with weak boundaries tend to attract manipulative people, because their difficulty with asserting themselves and setting limits means they will not only tolerate manipulative behaviour, they will also excuse it, gloss over it, and extend chance after chance. This pattern of behaviour is evident from everything you've said about your interactions with this man.

People with a more robust and secure attachment style would not see it as natural to become so deeply attached after three weeks of voice chats and video calls. They also wouldn't be surprised that a man who was prepared to invest so much time in a stranger he hadn't met would then cut things off so abruptly and viciously. How he ended it was extreme, but so was how he began it. You are seeing his behaviour as contradictory, when really it's all of a piece.

I spent two years in an abusive relationship with a man who was very similar to this. He would go from being almost cloyingly affectionate to paranoid and vicious at the drop of a hat. At the time I was bewildered by what seemed like such a sudden change. Through therapy I was able to see that these things were all linked, and that he was actually very predictable.

This fits me to a T. Thank you for sharing your personal experience, the part of it that you describe is scarily almost identical to my situation. How this guy suddenly flipped out over nothing, how I was “willing to forget it” (my direct words to him in my very last message to him), and how all this came as such a shock after 3 weeks of what I felt to be a very nice guy building a connection with me.

 

21 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

This is an excellent post. I really hope this helps you BB. 
 

Another thing to note is that abusers always target nice, caring, trusting, empathic individuals. In other words: Nice people.

 

You clearly are a very nice person BB. Don’t change this about yourself BB but you need to understand that you are a prime target for theses types and you need to be careful. 
 

OLD platforms are swarming with Narcissist’s and Abusers looking for suitable Victims. It’s their ideal playground! They will be looking at your suitability before either of you have said your first word. And you will be “tested” before you even meet them like this guy has tested you. 
 

One of my former abusers admitted that he stared at my pictures for hours prior to meeting me for the first time. He said he did this “wondering” about the sort of person I am. Translation: He was assessing my suitability to put up with his abusive ways from the get go. 
 

Freaky!!! 

Thank you, CalmandFocused. This does really make me reflect on the impression I give out to online guys. I tend to approach new people with quite a friendly stance, and perhaps it is that which makes me be more of a target for abusers.

 

14 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you, BB. This is a learning experience and as such is often painful. I am so glad you have seen how he is trying to come across as a nice person. You really did pick up on that turn of phrase and see what it implied. I feel sure the reason he has not dated much (so he says) is that he eventually flips into explosive anger and women opt out in a hurry. 

I learned the hard way not to trust what men online say about themselves without supporting evidence. For example, I could say I was hurt by my ex and how awful he was, when in fact I might be totally lying. You would not know any different because you do not know my ex, my history, my family, my friends. In truth, you know little about me other than what I have told you and maybe I made half of that up. You see the problem?  It’s horrible to be so mistrusting, I know, but online it is also necessary for your safety. 

I know you will learn from this. Be aware of your own vulnerabilities: a (natural) desire for connection and love; a desire to help and support people; a wish to give people the benefit of the doubt; maybe a feeling that you do not deserve to be treated with love and kindness.

You can set standards for how you wish to be treated. Believe me, dropping guys who do not treat you well only makes room for those who do. Strangely enough, having that internal guidance results in decent guys appearing on the scene - irrespective of your looks, status or wealth. It is as if people sense when you value yourself and are attracted to that, So don’t feel that giving up on this guy will leave you bereft. There will be someone much better in the near future x

This is a really brilliant post spiderowl, your posts are really helping me a lot, as are everyone’s on here. It is true that I do tolerate too much, my liking for companionship and romance combined with how quickly I get attached to people has got me into dangerous situations. It is a blessing that this predator has backed off.

What I still find so strange amidst everything, is how the guy was one minute still all up for meeting, but then when I said I “might be a little withdrawn on the date since I’m still a bit offended by the things he said to me”, he got into a rage and cancelled all association, end of. Like I was still willing to meet him, but because I couldn’t just forget everything like that, he got mad. He could have just apologised which would have helped but clearly if he suffers from NPD or something which this looks a lot like, any reflection of his image that is not 100% perfect makes him mad. 
 

I must say I find the magnitude of wisdom and experience from every single poster here to be a significant help in my recovery and reluctance to associate with this man anymore.

[Wiseman2]

He won't be back to abuse and harass you because surely you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps, right?

Move forward free of harassment.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The logical part of me, which is now starting to encroach on the emotional part of me too, is hoping that he doesn’t come back for my sake. 

There is an easy to way to ensure he doesn't come back, BB. 

[babybrowns]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He won't be back to abuse and harass you because surely you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps, right?

Move forward free of harassment.

 

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There is an easy to way to ensure he doesn't come back, BB. 

I know, I’m getting closer to the stage where I feel ready to block him (I got to that stage with abuser #1 last summer it just took a few weeks). But at present I’m still a little tender towards him. Getting better with time passing!

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

But at present I’m still a little tender towards him. 

You are tender toward the man that you thought he was... the man that you WANT him to be. 

The reality is that this man has behaved in unacceptable, inexcusable ways toward you... and because of that, you need to block him. Today. 

[poppyfields]

In other words, you're still hoping he misses you and calls.  Which I still don't understand and probably never will, especially given your extremely brief interaction and the fact you've never even met this man. 

I truly hope you will at least consider therapy bb.  I realize he provided you with good feelings for 3 weeks, but the second, like the SECOND he began belittling you, name-calling and insulting, all those prior good feelings should have been wiped out, and DIED, like immediately never to be felt again. Ever.

And no it's not hard, not when you are emotionally healthy. 

What scares me for you is that shouid he reach out, you will be lured in again, which will further his disrespect giving him emotional license to escalate the abuse.  Which is typically how these toxic relationships go down.

Or if he does not, you will meet another man, another abuser and the dysfunctional cycle continues.

Please seek therapy bb.   Your emotional well being and life is at stake, even though you are so blind right now you cannot see that.

All the best.  

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I know, I’m getting closer to the stage where I feel ready to block him (I got to that stage with abuser #1 last summer it just took a few weeks). But at present I’m still a little tender towards him. Getting better with time passing!

Unfortunately no one can help you if you choose to be your own worst enemy.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately no one can help you if you choose to be your own worst enemy.

Sadly, I believe calmandfocused was right.  Our efforts are/were a waste of time.

BB, you talk the talk, but since you have chosen to not block him any access to you, clearly you are not walking the walk.

Your mindset about this is so far removed from anything even remotely considered normal and healthy, or even typical for an abuse victim imo, a part of me hopes this thread isn't real and we are being played.  

Wishful thinking.  

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Bb, I recommend you watch the movie The Burning Bed with Farrah Fawcett.  Surely you're familiar with it?  It's a true story.

In Farrah's (the woman she portrayed) defense, she and her boyfriend had been dating in real life for many MONTHS before the verbal attacks started.  

And each time, her abusive boyfriend came back apologizing, begging forgiveness.  And Farrah still didn't immediately go back!

In your case, has this asshat apologized?  No, he hasn't even reached out!  Nothing nada.  

That's what makes your thought process about this so baffling and confusing. Why you're clinging to the brief feelings of good, and dismissing the horrendously bad, after only a mere few weeks of cyber interactions.  

Anyway, nuff said from me.  Again, please seek professional help, good luck.  

Oh and watch the movie if you can, amazon prime. 

Take care.  

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I know, I’m getting closer to the stage where I feel ready to block him (I got to that stage with abuser #1 last summer it just took a few weeks). But at present I’m still a little tender towards him. Getting better with time passing!

The same way that forcing a smile even when we feel down can produce feelings of happiness, you can go ahead and take the action you know is right, regardless how you "feel."

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Your mindset about this is so far removed from anything even remotely considered normal and healthy, or even typical for an abuse victim imo...

yes.
BB
This guy went into full "insane" mode after only a few weeks of contact which I guess is not typical either.
They usually spend a long time, months/years in "nice mode" whilst testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with.
Once they feel safe in that they know the victim won't leave, they start ramping up the control and abuse. 
Here he "lost it" over apparently nothing and you seemed to just absorb it as if he had baked  you a cake, not gone on a misogynist, name calling, mad rant...
Instead of running scared like most women would do, you are actively seeking to continue it, you obviously get something out of this type of interaction, why is that?   

[poppyfields]

44 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 you obviously get something out of this type of interaction, why is that?   

Good question.  There was another powerful film, HBO miniseries, I watched a few years back called Big Little Lies.  Won various awards, and was deemed one of the most honest and real depictions of domestic abuse ever made.  I recommend you watch that too bb. 

Anyway, Nicole Kidman portrayed an abuse victim, although she herself never considered herself a "victim."

In her therapy sessions, she admitted to being a "contributor."

During one episode with her abuser, when he was verbally attacking, a fight SHE initiated (as you admitted doing bb), Nicole was sort of egging him on, and he said to her "Do you WANT me to hit you?  Sometines I think you enjoy this, and want me to hit you"!

She sat silent, she could not deny.  And in her therapy sessions, she said on some level she did, because when he returned, crying, begging forgiveness, at that moment no matter how brief it was, SHE had all the power.  

She lived for those brief moments so unknowingly (or perhaps knowingly) encouraged this extremely toxic and sick dynamic by initiating fights etc.  Continued for six years.  Ended in tragedy.  

I realize no two abusive relationships are the same, but elaine posed an interesting question.  

What are you getting from this?  Choosing to hang on and hope?  Which IS a choice whether you acknowledge that or not.

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What are you getting from this?  

I get the sense BB that you are a very kind woman who has a lot to offer a man, but you are lonely and you want a relationship so badly that you are trying to make it work with anyone who even remotely shows you and interest. And unfortunately, to do that you are willing to tolerate far more than you ever should from a man... Topics to discuss with a counsellor would be how to set a healthy boundary in a relationship and how to assert your own voice with a man. You truly are your own worst enemy, so many thing for you to learn about yourself, what you should desire/accept in a partner, and how to be in a relationship without losing your own sense of self... Your lack of self preservation is stunning, and I think that’s what a lot of people are having difficulty understanding... 

No, it’s not hard for an emotionally healthy person to see this man for the abuser he is and walk away... especially after three weeks, when you haven’t even met the guy. No skin off your nose, as they say... The fact that you are having difficulty doing this is a real problem for you. 

I sincerely hope you find yourself a good counsellor. 

[BaileyB]

50 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There was another powerful film, HBO miniseries, I watched a few years back called Big Little Lies.  Won various awards, and was deemed one of the most honest and real depictions of domestic abuse ever made. 

I loved that show! Nicole Kidman played an intelligent woman, to the outside world she had it all... but she was in a twisted relationship. The cycle of abuse... 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I get the sense BB that you are a very kind woman who has a lot to offer a man, but you are lonely and you want a relationship so badly that you are trying to make it work with anyone who even remotely shows you and interest. And unfortunately, to do that you are willing to tolerate far more than you ever should from a man... Topics to discuss with a counsellor would be how to set a healthy boundary in a relationship and how to assert your own voice with a man. You truly are your own worst enemy, so many thing for you to learn about yourself, what you should desire/accept in a partner, and how to be in a relationship without losing your own sense of self... Your lack of self preservation is stunning, and I think that’s what a lot of people are having difficulty understanding... 

No, it’s not hard for an emotionally healthy person to see this man for the abuser he is and walk away... especially after three weeks, when you haven’t even met the guy. No skin off your nose, as they say... The fact that you are having difficulty doing this is a real problem for you. 

I sincerely hope you find yourself a good counsellor. 

 

Hi Bailey, I may be way off here, but I am seeing this a bit differently now.   Because what’s happening now is bb is not tolerating it, because HE is not offering anything for her to tolerate!  He has not reached out apologizing as abusers tend to do.   He is DONE.    

Which suggests he may not be an abuser because if he were, he would have reached out apologizing, begging forgiveness for his ugly words and verbal attack and bb would have forgiven thus continuing the toxic abusive dynamic.   No doubt he has other issues, an explosive temper, a distrust and/or dislike of women in general, among other issues, but not an "abuser" as is typically defined.  JMO.

My thinking now is he has abusive tendencies but is perhaps aware enough to know his triggers and knows to stay away from those who set off those triggers.    Sort of like me with my anxiety,  I am aware of my anxiety triggers so I stay away from those things and people who trigger them.

Bb posted she initiated the argument as silly as it was, which set him off.  That is all we know.  We don’t know what else went down between them, all we know is whatever was said, it triggered him, he lashed out BUT then to his credit, HE ended.  Harshly yes, but he did end it.  He is done.

OR he is a recovering abuser and along the same lines, knows to stay away from those things and women who trigger him.   Perhaps ALL women trigger him, who knows.   Otherwise, he would be following the typical path of most if not all abusers and reached out, apologizing, begging for another chance.

The fact he has not speaks volumes!  At least to me.  Bb, the man is done.  If he were inclined to reach out, he would have done so already.

I am not blaming you, this is not your fault.  Some people just don’t mesh well, they set off toxic triggers in each other thus creating a dysfunctional dynamic.  My guess is you got on well for three weeks, but then after your fight, he realized it’s not going to work, he doesn’t believe you are the right fit, which of course you’re not.   Nor is he the right fit for you.  Clearly.

Just my take, I could be wrong.

I am truly sorry this didn't work out.  Hopefully, lesson learned for your next interaction/relationship.  xo

 

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[hippychick3]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

Hi Bailey, I may be way off here, but I am seeing this a bit differently now.   Because what’s happening now is bb is not tolerating it, because HE is not offering anything for her to tolerate!  He has not reached out apologizing as abusers tend to do.   He is DONE.    

Which suggests he may not be an abuser because if he were, he would have reached out apologizing, begging forgiveness for his ugly words and verbal attack and bb would have forgiven thus continuing the toxic abusive dynamic.   No doubt he has other issues, an explosive temper, a distrust and/or dislike of women in general, among other issues, but not an "abuser" as is typically defined.  JMO.

My thinking now is he has abusive tendencies but is perhaps aware enough to know his triggers and knows to stay away from those who set off those triggers.    Sort of like me with my anxiety,  I am aware of my anxiety triggers so I stay away from those things and people who trigger them.

Bb posted she initiated the argument as silly as it was, which set him off.  That is all we know.  We don’t know what else went down between them, all we know is whatever was said, it triggered him, he lashed out BUT then to his credit, HE ended.  Harshly yes, but he did end it.  He is done.

OR he is a recovering abuser and along the same lines, knows to stay away from those things and women who trigger him.   Perhaps ALL women trigger him, who knows.   Otherwise, he would be following the typical path of most if not all abusers and reached out, apologizing, begging for another chance.

The fact he has not speaks volumes!  At least to me.  Bb, the man is done.  If he were inclined to reach out, he would have done so already.

I am not blaming you, this is not your fault.  Some people just don’t mesh well, they set off toxic triggers in each other thus creating a dysfunctional dynamic.  My guess is you got on well for three weeks, but then after your fight, he realized it’s not going to work, he doesn’t believe you are the right fit, which of course you’re not.   Nor is he the right fit for you.  Clearly.

Just my take, I could be wrong.

I am truly sorry this didn't work out.  Hopefully, lesson learned for your next interaction/relationship.  xo

 

 

I think it is more likely that he found another “victim” he likes more.... “fortunately” for the OP. 

[Miss Spider]

Interesting theories. Maybe he’s not an abuser and just a crazy, arrogant weirdo. Doesn’t sound like he liked you very much. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes