Will he be back? Cancelled date over an argument after talking for 3 weeks

[Calmandfocused]

Ps. I didn’t perceive it as power and strength but they certainly did. Classic abuser mentality. 

[Calmandfocused]

18 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

No it is not a turn on. In fact it is what is not making me feel too bad about him going away.

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I know that it is toxic. So I know it is for the best if he doesn’t come back.

I am someone that suffers from getting attached to people too quickly, and in this case I have just somehow grown very attached to this man these few weeks. Yes we hadn’t met IRL yet but we developed a connection through speaking on the phone all these weeks as well as leaving each other voice messages and texts, I really felt that we could talk and connect with each other. It is why I am very sad about what happened.

I know that with time, logic will override the emotional grieving and I’ll look back and think wth, but at the moment I am feeling sad about it. 

You have not “connected” to him, you have been “hooked” and manipulated by him. 
 

The grief your experiencing is actually withdrawal (like any addiction). It will pass quite quickly considering how quick this crashed and burned. 
 

Thank goodness for that. You’ve been saved Op. 

 

Do not make the same mistake again. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hi all,

I met what I thought to be a nice guy, online 3 weeks ago. We are both in our early 30’s. Soon after matching with me and talking with me for a few days, he even deleted the app. He has been talking to me every day since then. Video chats, voice messages, texts..things were going really well. Plan was to meet up in person tomorrow, something we were both planning, sharing ideas on eg going for a hike, and both looking forward to.

However, this weekend we got into an argument over something silly. I started it because I was a little concerned over something. This argument unfortunately brought out his very worst side: namecalling, insults, general nastiness. He still wanted to keep our date but all this really put me off and made me want to cancel it. I didn’t say one bad word to him during this argument too, but rather kept asking him to stop being so nasty towards me, to which he replied “Ok then snowflake, best that we’re not meeting up then, bye!”

The next day, I reached out to him to apologise for starting the argument. A little ironic I know because he was the one that was abusive not me, but I didn’t want to lose him so reached out. I didn’t mention anything about keeping our date, I just apologised, and secretly hoped that he would suggest we still meet up. 

He sent me a long reply saying he appreciates that and that he would love to still keep our date but that he understands if I don’t want to keep it. I responded that I do want to go ahead with the date, but that I might be a little withdrawn because I was still feeling a little offended by some of the things he’d said to me.

This unfortunately angered him. He said that I “shouldn’t have been offended by him” and that if that’s the case then we “really don’t get on” and he cancelled the date. I was disappointed and said to him that I was willing to just move on beyond what happened and have a nice hike with him or something, but he refused, and that was that.

It has upset me because I was really looking forward to meeting him, we did build a nice rapport these last few weeks that we were talking every day. 

I am just wondering if it sounds like there is chance of him coming back?

 

By reaching out after he was so awful to you, you just showed him that you are desperate and can be treated like a doormat. 

You've seen his true colors. If he's this way with a new woman at a time when he's supposed to be on his best behavior, can you imagine what he will be like down the road when the honeymoon stage wears off?

[smackie9]

Ya time to make some changes...stop intensely texting for weeks with someone you have never met. You may as well call that love bombing.

Go for those chaps that send you a few nice messages, and ask you out on a date and come through with the date. Get to know them in person. Stay away from emotional pushy guys.

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

You have not “connected” to him, you have been “hooked” and manipulated by him. 
 

The grief your experiencing is actually withdrawal (like any addiction). It will pass quite quickly considering how quick this crashed and burned. 
 

Thank goodness for that. You’ve been saved Op. 

 

Do not make the same mistake again. 

Yes it definitely can be compared to addiction. I know that talking to this man is bad for me, and yet because of a very good ‘high’ from him these last 3 weeks, during which time we both did feel we were developing a good connection, I am feeling the withdrawal effect of not talking to him today. It is upsetting me quite a lot and I am hoping he does reach out, even though I know he shouldn’t, for my own well-being.

 

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

By reaching out after he was so awful to you, you just showed him that you are desperate and can be treated like a doormat. 

You've seen his true colors. If he's this way with a new woman at a time when he's supposed to be on his best behavior, can you imagine what he will be like down the road when the honeymoon stage wears off?

 

Oh most definitely- but even if we had met, I’d already decided I didn’t want a relationship with this man. I just wanted to have fun with this person really, but it wouldn’t have been fun after how he abused me and didn’t feel any remorse for it.

And no I don’t think he saw it as me being a doormat: I simply reached out to him with a 2-line apology. He responded with a 8-line essay text about how much he still wants to take me out. So for him to just change his mind 10 minutes later just because I said “I want to see you but I might be a little withdrawn since I’m still a bit offended by the things you said”, which made him go into another rage, it all is just very strange. It is like I am not allowed to have any feelings unless they favour him to the full.

I also noticed, whenever we video chatted, that he would spend most of the conversation undermining other people and making himself look like the good guy and putting others down. I found these video chats a bit boring for that reason; it is not something I myself do in general, talking bad about others, especially to someone I barely know. 

He also said that I have “put him off dating in general and trying to be nice to people”! Perhaps it was all an act from him indeed then 
 

Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns

[elaine567]

Hew sounds

4 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I reached out to him with a 2-line apology. He responded with a 8-line essay text about how much he still wants to take me out. So for him to just change his mind 10 minutes later just because I said “I want to see you but I might be a little withdrawn since I’m still a bit offended by the things you said”, which made him go into another rage, it all is just very strange.

He sounds unstable and volatile and potentially dangerous.
Stay away.

[Wiseman2]

The question is why would you want someone like this back? If someone gets weird during the course of pre-meet communication, it's best to simply delete, block and move forward

[Saracena]

8 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 “I want to see you but I might be a little withdrawn since I’m still a bit offended by the things you said”, which made him go into another rage, it all is just very strange. It is like I am not allowed to have any feelings unless they favour him to the full.

And you still weren't put off ? Jeez
 

 

[babybrowns]

4 minutes ago, Saracena said:

 

Oh I am definitely. It’s just the emotional/ attached side of me that misses the daily communication, which as I said was very nice these 3 weeks. To suddenly have this person go away into thin air, is hard. I do hope that he misses me too. But I know this is wrong and all of you on here are helping reinforce that thought. I know I will start to see things clearer with time as the emotional haze starts to disperse.

Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns

[Watercolors]

Why do you need him in your life, babybrowns? 

[babybrowns]

21 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Why do you need him in your life, babybrowns? 

I just felt we clicked quite well and I liked his personality. That was ofcourse these last few weeks; the dark side of his personality was revealed this weekend and I’m still getting over the recent run of events.

Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I just felt we clicked quite well and I liked his personality. That was ofcourse these last few weeks; the dark side of his personality was revealed this weekend and I’m still getting over the recent run of events.

So what are your realistic plans, now, regarding this guy? 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I know that talking to this man is bad for me, and yet because of a very good ‘high’ from him these last 3 weeks.... It is upsetting me quite a lot and I am hoping he does reach out, even though I know he shouldn’t, for my own well-being.

I am actually very scared for you right now bb, because reading the above and how you are hoping he does reach out and in a later post, how you hope he misses you too, you still appear to be quite vulnerable to him.

And if he should reach out, like abusers often tend to do, you will go back, and the toxic abusive cycle thus begins.  

Please research abusive relationships, Google it, as I suggested earlier.  Your current mindset is very dangerous.  

I am literally shaking right now thinking about this "person" and that you may go back shouid he reach out, which would be a massive mistake on so many levels and very dangerous, mentally, emotionally, physically.

Please say you won't!  

 

Edited December 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, haven't you written about a similarly abusive guy in the past?

Apologies if I'm mixing you up with someone else, but I seem to recall a thread about a guy you dated a very short while who turned nasty. And you were trying to talk yourself into staying in that situation, too. 

Was that you?

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Oh I am definitely. It’s just the emotional/ attached side of me that misses the daily communication, which as I said was very nice these 3 weeks. To suddenly have this person go away into thin air, is hard. I do hope that he misses me too. But I know this is wrong and all of you on here are helping reinforce that thought. I know I will start to see things clearer with time as the emotional haze starts to disperse.

ok you need to stop telling yourself this stuff that you "get attached" as if it's a reason to make some really BAD decisions in your life.  Is your life so empty that you are willing to accept this?  Then make it not empty!  Seriously, he may be a bunch of bad things but you ALSO started the fight and have flawed thinking.   Do better for yourself. You owe yourself much MORE than this and to act as if you cannot control your impulses.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I also noticed, whenever we video chatted, that he would spend most of the conversation undermining other people and making himself look like the good guy and putting others down. I found these video chats a bit boring for that reason; it is not something I myself do in general, talking bad about others, especially to someone I barely know. 

He also said that I have “put him off dating in general and trying to be nice to people”!

 

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I just felt we clicked quite well and I liked his personality.

Please seek therapy.

Edited December 14, 2020 by stillafool

[babybrowns]

49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, haven't you written about a similarly abusive guy in the past?

Apologies if I'm mixing you up with someone else, but I seem to recall a thread about a guy you dated a very short while who turned nasty. And you were trying to talk yourself into staying in that situation, too. 

Was that you?

Yes that was me. I had a scarily similar situation last summer. Your posts as well as others on that thread really did help a lot though; that abuser reached out to me again a couple of weeks after the ordeal I wrote about and I didn’t respond. 

As for this situation, this guy and I grew much closer than me and that guy last summer, who hardly spoke to me. But this recent abuse from this guy, after 3 weeks of good behaviour, came as a shock. I am also surprised in how he concluded our association with “I’m fed up of this dating business and trying to be nice to people”.

I know that I really need to combat this impulse to overlook bad behaviour and prioritise the feelings from the good experiences from these men

Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

Just now, babybrowns said:

I know that I really need to combat this impulse to overlook bad behaviour and prioritise the feelings from the good experiences from these men

No you need to prioritize finding men who treat and talk to you with respect.

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I am actually very scared for you right now bb, because reading the above and how you are hoping he does reach out and in a later post, how you hope he misses you too, you still appear to be quite vulnerable to him.

And if he should reach out, like abusers often tend to do, you will go back, and the toxic abusive cycle thus begins.  

Please research abusive relationships, Google it, as I suggested earlier.  Your current mindset is very dangerous.  

I am literally shaking right now thinking about this "person" and that you may go back shouid he reach out, which would be a massive mistake on so many levels and very dangerous, mentally, emotionally, physically.

Please say you won't!  

 

Oh yes, good point Poppy, I forgot to mention this too.

BB you’ll be delighted to hear that this man will be back! From the abuser perspective you are perfect.  You’re like a delicious, tempting fruit, ripe for the picking. 

This man is going to Love you, adore you, make you feel like the most special person in the world. Then he will trash you, destroy you and your life will become a utter and complete misery.
 

However Poppy’s observations (I missed that, well spotted Poppy) about your current mentality, just tells me clearly that I’m wasting my time. Despite mine and others poster’s warnings, you will Ignore all of this. Instead you will be delighted when he contacts you again , you’ll lap up any attention that he gives you, and you will do so willingly.  You will allow him to get away with treating you any way of his choosing, and you will accept all of it. 
 

I know this stuff,  I’ve been there multiple times.   I survived, escaped and recovered. Some do not. That is the reality! 
 

Carry on with your delusions that you just want to “see” him ....  I bargained with myself too. It’s all BS. 
 

Good luck BB. 

[MsJayne]

He attacked you verbally. See this for what it is, maybe suggest he get some professional help, and then block and delete. 

[Miss Spider]

It really is the least important matter, but I am curious as why you are being purposefully vague about what started the initial argument. Did you insult his mother. Not saying there is any excuse for what he did. There are crazy men out there. I’m just saying that we’re only getting one side of the story and for some reason, not even a complete one 

Edited December 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[babybrowns]

27 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It really is the least important matter, but I am curious as why you are being purposefully vague about what started the initial argument. Did you insult his mother. Not saying there is any excuse for what he did. There are crazy men out there. I’m just saying that we’re only getting one side of the story and for some reason, not even a complete one 

Nothing like that. It was something so small and silly that I didn’t want to detract from the real issue on this thread.

But to alleviate any suspicions I will lay out what started the argument, even though I didn’t even intend for an argument to happen:

- Even though he had invited me out for lunch, he was feeling quite awkward about it as the day was approaching and asked if we could have a walk before the meal just as an icebreaker. 

- I found this ‘testing the waters’ suggestion to be a little odd since we had already spoken on long video chats. And he kept saying how excited he was to meet me and take me out for lunch. I brought up this confusion I was having based on his last-minute seemingly odd request, not intending to start ANY kind of conflict- just wanting to ask that’s all,

- And he got *enraged*. 
 

That’s it!

What followed was a day of abuse, name-calling, sarcasm, him saying he was “actually laughing” at me etc and putting the emoticons with nasty texts. I honestly don’t know what lit him up like a flammable substance. This behaviour was something I had not seen from him in all the 3 weeks that we’d been speaking and it stunned me. I even said to him at one point, “what’s happened to you? This is not the man I got to know.” It just made him flare up more.
 

I would just like to point out something that I hope looks good to everyone here amidst my crazy warm feelings towards the guy that have cast me as a crazy girl in everyone’s eyes.
This is that, the very last thing I said to the guy before we parted ways was: “Please don’t contact me anymore if you want nothing more to do with me. Thank you”, which will hopefully keep any breadcrumbing at bay.

 

Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns

[Miss Spider]

19 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Nothing like that. It was something so small and silly that I didn’t want to detract from the real issue on this thread.

But to alleviate any suspicions I will lay out what started the argument, even though I didn’t even intend for an argument to happen:

- Even though he had invited me out for lunch, he was feeling quite awkward about it as the day was approaching and asked if we could have a walk before the meal just as an icebreaker. 

- I found this ‘testing the waters’ suggestion to be a little odd since we had already spoken on long video chats. And he kept saying how excited he was to meet me and take me out for lunch. I brought up this confusion I was having based on his last-minute seemingly odd request, not intending to start ANY kind of conflict- just wanting to ask that’s all,

- And he got *enraged*. 
 

That’s it!

What followed was a day of abuse, name-calling, sarcasm, him saying he was “actually laughing” at me etc and putting the emoticons with nasty texts. I honestly don’t know what lit him up like a flammable substance. This behaviour was something I had not seen from him in all the 3 weeks that we’d been speaking and it stunned me. I even said to him at one point, “what’s happened to you? This is not the man I got to know.” It just made him flare up more.
 

I would just like to point out something that I hope looks good to everyone here amidst my crazy warm feelings towards the guy that have cast me as a crazy girl in everyone’s eyes.
This is that, the very last thing I said to the guy before we parted ways was: “Please don’t contact me anymore if you want nothing more to do with me. Thank you”, which will hopefully keep any breadcrumbing at bay.

 

Thanks. Oh wow, another red flag to add to this guy’s long list of them. I, too, would be curious as to why he would need an ‘icebreaker’ if you guys had been video chatting. Maybe he has anxiety issues on top of anger issues. Bullet dodged

Edited December 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[babybrowns]

 

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Thanks. Oh wow, another red flag to add to this guy’s long list of them. I, too, would be curious as to why he would need an ‘icebreaker’ if you guys had been video chatting. Maybe he has anxiety issues on top of anger issues. Bullet dodged

Yes, exactly. In this tirade of abuse, he was also quite misogynistic and deleted my number. Saying things like “women who annoy me by questioning my intentions before I’ve met them IRL get their number deleted”. But even said he still wants to see me and that he “doesn’t want to fall out with me”. But as mentioned, at the end of all that unpleasantness I said I want to cancel the date. I said I didn’t like his use of bad language on me that day, and that I felt he was taking his frustration on other women out on me. It sent him into a real rage. 

Why on earth I reached out to him the next day to say sorry I started an argument, I really don’t know With each experience like this, my weird attachment tendencies really do fall into question, and it is helping me grow out of this mindset.

[elaine567]

 I certainly would not be agreeing to walking with this guy anywhere.
He sounds dangerous I wonder what he had planned to do on that walk?
Whatever it was you spoiled it and he got very mad.
DO NOT agree to go anywhere with this guy.