babybrowns Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) Hi all, I met what I thought to be a nice guy, online 3 weeks ago. We are both in our early 30’s. Soon after matching with me and talking with me for a few days, he even deleted the app. He has been talking to me every day since then. Video chats, voice messages, texts..things were going really well. Plan was to meet up in person tomorrow, something we were both planning, sharing ideas on eg going for a hike, and both looking forward to. However, this weekend we got into an argument over something silly. I started it because I was a little concerned over something. This argument unfortunately brought out his very worst side: namecalling, insults, general nastiness. He still wanted to keep our date but all this really put me off and made me want to cancel it. I didn’t say one bad word to him during this argument too, but rather kept asking him to stop being so nasty towards me, to which he replied “Ok then snowflake, best that we’re not meeting up then, bye!” The next day, I reached out to him to apologise for starting the argument. A little ironic I know because he was the one that was abusive not me, but I didn’t want to lose him so reached out. I didn’t mention anything about keeping our date, I just apologised, and secretly hoped that he would suggest we still meet up. He sent me a long reply saying he appreciates that and that he would love to still keep our date but that he understands if I don’t want to keep it. I responded that I do want to go ahead with the date, but that I might be a little withdrawn because I was still feeling a little offended by some of the things he’d said to me. This unfortunately angered him. He said that I “shouldn’t have been offended by him” and that if that’s the case then we “really don’t get on” and he cancelled the date. I was disappointed and said to him that I was willing to just move on beyond what happened and have a nice hike with him or something, but he refused, and that was that. It has upset me because I was really looking forward to meeting him, we did build a nice rapport these last few weeks that we were talking every day. I am just wondering if it sounds like there is chance of him coming back? Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns
Blind-Sided Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 Why the heck would you want him back??? You can have arguments, and disagreements with someone. (that's human nature) But when it goes down the path of name calling, and insults... that is not a healthy argument/debate. You haven't met in real life... and he is already someone you don't want. Leave it at that, and move on. Sorry to be blunt... but it's the way I see it. 6 2
Kaarek Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) Okay, I will share with you what I always share with my female friends or anyone for that matter. The way people treat you is something you can't change. But the way you want someone to treat you will always be your choice. Don't let anyone ever belittle you in the name of love or simply because they can't control themselves. Now, I don’t know his side of the story. Maybe the argument you’ve started made him feel attacked on a personal level. Either way, that doesn’t justify his behavior. Edited December 14, 2020 by Kaarek 2 2
Miss Spider Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) You need to ask yourself what is going on where you want to keep talking to/go on a date with someone from a dating app who flipped out and insulted you.That sounds so awkward Edited December 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 14
Saracena Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 I've no idea why you apologised to this guy, let alone wish to meet him? He's given you a glimmer of what he's really like (truly awful) so why do you wish to pursue this? 7
Author babybrowns Posted December 14, 2020 Author Posted December 14, 2020 I know it sounds crazy. I just get attached to people quite quickly, and we did build up a nice rapport for nearly a month. I apologised even though he was the one who was abusive since I was for a long time looking forward to this first IRL date with him. Yes he has a temper, but his good sides make me want to see him but not have a relationship. I’m curious as to if he does change his mind and reach out to me. Something that suggests he might is that, he told me that he “doesn’t go on many dates”. He said this when I reached out to apologise to him, where he wrote that long message in response in which he also addressed the cause of the argument.
Miss Spider Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) Since it was only 3 weeks of virtual communication and he doesn’t seem to like you at all, I’d say no. Edited December 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) 59 minutes ago, babybrowns said: I am just wondering if it sounds like there is chance of him coming back? I hope not! You should not want to go on a date with a man who insults you & calls you names during an argument before you ever meet. Good heavens, are the pickings so slim that you are fighting with somebody you don't know over "something silly" but are still looking forward to meeting when you have seen his over the top & inappropriate conflict response? Do NOT go out with this man. How the heck can you be attached to somebody you have never met? You need to address this level of neediness in yourself. It's not healthy or safe. Geesh. Have some self respect & common sense. Edited December 14, 2020 by d0nnivain 9 2
Calmandfocused Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 He was verbally abusive to you, yet you still want to see him and hope he comes back? What??!!! BB, do you not see how dangerous that is? I’m actually very concerned for you. Clearly you are the sort of person who will tolerate any bad behaviour if you are “attached” to the person. Stop dating and get yourself in therapy ASAP before you find yourself in a situation where you’re being slammed against a wall (or worse)! 11 1
poppyfields Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: Hi all, I met what I thought to be a nice guy, online 3 weeks ago. We are both in our early 30’s. Soon after matching with me and talking with me for a few days, he even deleted the app. He has been talking to me every day since then. Video chats, voice messages, texts..things were going really well. Plan was to meet up in person tomorrow, something we were both planning, sharing ideas on eg going for a hike, and both looking forward to. However, this weekend we got into an argument over something silly. I started it because I was a little concerned over something. This argument unfortunately brought out his very worst side: namecalling, insults, general nastiness. He still wanted to keep our date but all this really put me off and made me want to cancel it. I didn’t say one bad word to him during this argument too, but rather kept asking him to stop being so nasty towards me, to which he replied “Ok then snowflake, best that we’re not meeting up then, bye!” The next day, I reached out to him to apologise for starting the argument. A little ironic I know because he was the one that was abusive not me, but I didn’t want to lose him so reached out. I didn’t mention anything about keeping our date, I just apologised, and secretly hoped that he would suggest we still meet up. He sent me a long reply saying he appreciates that and that he would love to still keep our date but that he understands if I don’t want to keep it. I responded that I do want to go ahead with the date, but that I might be a little withdrawn because I was still feeling a little offended by some of the things he’d said to me. This unfortunately angered him. He said that I “shouldn’t have been offended by him” and that if that’s the case then we “really don’t get on” and he cancelled the date. I was disappointed and said to him that I was willing to just move on beyond what happened and have a nice hike with him or something, but he refused, and that was that. It has upset me because I was really looking forward to meeting him, we did build a nice rapport these last few weeks that we were talking every day. I am just wondering if it sounds like there is chance of him coming back? babybrowns, same question as others. Why in the world would you reach back out to a guy who verbally abused you? Let alone want to meet him? What story are you telling yourself that makes this okay? Please ask yourself that question. This is how women find themselves in relationships with abusive, toxic men. By doing just what you did. Apologizing, justifying, rationalizing, "making nice." This bozo was horrible! Instead of hoping he returns, I think you should block and delete. Edited December 14, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1
poppyfields Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Stop dating and get yourself in therapy ASAP before you find yourself in a situation where you’re being slammed against a wall (or worse)! Or worse is right, like have acid thrown in your face which is not all that uncommon, believe it or not. Research abusive relationships, Google it. Learn the signs. Learn the dynamic among such couples and the mindset of women who choose such men. Another poster wrote she is afraid for you, having the mindset that you do. I'm afraid for you too. Edited December 14, 2020 by poppyfields 3 1
stillafool Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) Why are you begging a guy who has absolutely NO respect for you to go on a date? If he does date you the abuse will just escalate because at this point any reasonable person would think you like it. Please, please have more respect for yourself and don't entertain these type of men. Don't stick around them long enough to get attached. Attached to what exactly? Name calling? Edited December 14, 2020 by stillafool 3
poppyfields Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) Again, I hope you will research. You wrote in your post "namecalling, insults, general nastiness." All before you have even met! Topped off with the sarcastic and patronizing "okay then snowflake, bye!" After you apologized. Verbal abuse like this is how it begins. It always escalates. You posted the sad emoji to my post about the woman whose boyfriend threw acid in her face. Google her story, please! It started out with the insults and namecalling, nastiness. And there are many such other stories as well. Yes it is sad, it's also dangerous and can be life threatening. Some might believe I'm exaggerating but I'm not. Ask any women who has been with an abuser, they will tell you it always starts with verbal attacks. And the women taking blame, apologizing. Take care and good luck. Edited December 14, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Trail Blazer Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 Holy heck! It's terrifying that you'd failed to see so many glaring red flags that your main concern is "will he be back" in the context that you hope he will be. Why on earth would you want a man like that to come back!? Sorry, babybrowns, but this is beyond alarming. This guy is a nasty, abusive POS. I certainly hope he won't be back and I certainly hope that you will one day figure out why you'd ever want someone like him to come back! 8
smackie9 Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 No girl...have some self respect. Never tolerate someones rudeness or abusive behavior. He's passive aggressive, and a manipulator. You never take blame for any of that. The worse thing you can do is chase them down. Look at your behavior...desperate. Not very flattering. I have been there myself, and I wish someone smacked some sense into me. No one I mean no one is worth losing your self worth over. Cut him loose. 2 1
Miss Spider Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 Did this start over something political?
Versacehottie Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: I know it sounds crazy. I just get attached to people quite quickly, and we did build up a nice rapport for nearly a month. I apologised even though he was the one who was abusive since I was for a long time looking forward to this first IRL date with him. Yes he has a temper, but his good sides make me want to see him but not have a relationship. I’m curious as to if he does change his mind and reach out to me. Something that suggests he might is that, he told me that he “doesn’t go on many dates”. He said this when I reached out to apologise to him, where he wrote that long message in response in which he also addressed the cause of the argument. So that you BOTH have a very low bar set, means it's fated or something? Don't you see how flawed and dangerous this thinking is? It's a total sh*tshow to have been in an explosive argument with a guy and him with you that you haven't even met and gone on first date yet! You are priming yourself for a toxic, back and forth pattern with him/others if you think this is remotely ok. 2
elaine567 Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 3 hours ago, babybrowns said: However, this weekend we got into an argument over something silly. I started it because I was a little concerned over something. This argument unfortunately brought out his very worst side: namecalling, insults, general nastiness. What "silly" thing triggered him to go this far? 1
JRabbit Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: Yes he has a temper, but his good sides make me want to see him but not have a relationship. I’m curious as to if he does change his mind and reach out to me. Something that suggests he might is that, he told me that he “doesn’t go on many dates”. He said this when I reached out to apologise to him, where he wrote that long message in response in which he also addressed the cause of the argument. Please, lose his contact and never look back. The red flags are smacking you in every which way. 3
Fletch Lives Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 An argument before you met means it's probably not a match - you don't know each other well enough to have arguments yet, unless something is seriously wrong. Perhaps you should be happy you found out it's not a match before you even met him..........look at all the time and heartache you saved. 2
poppyfields Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 babybrowns, serious question. Is all this a turn on for you? Does it indicate his strength and the power he has over you? Maybe CalmandFocused can answer, but I have read that such abuse can be incorrectly perceived by the woman as power and strength. At least early on during the infatuation stage. So just curious if that is, at least in part, what you are feeling? Not judging, just asking. 2
Author babybrowns Posted December 14, 2020 Author Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: babybrowns, serious question. Is all this a turn on for you? Does it indicate his strength and the power he has over you? Maybe CalmandFocused can answer, but I have read that such abuse can be incorrectly perceived by the woman as power and strength. At least early on during the infatuation stage. So just curious if that is, at least in part, what you are feeling? Not judging, just asking. No it is not a turn on. In fact it is what is not making me feel too bad about him going away. Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I know that it is toxic. So I know it is for the best if he doesn’t come back. I am someone that suffers from getting attached to people too quickly, and in this case I have just somehow grown very attached to this man these few weeks. Yes we hadn’t met IRL yet but we developed a connection through speaking on the phone all these weeks as well as leaving each other voice messages and texts, I really felt that we could talk and connect with each other. It is why I am very sad about what happened. I know that with time, logic will override the emotional grieving and I’ll look back and think wth, but at the moment I am feeling sad about it. Edited December 14, 2020 by babybrowns 1
Kaarek Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 I completely understand you and I'm sorry you feel that way. Don't be too hard on yourself and give it some time. You'll feel better and remember you can't change what people do. Unfortunately people come and go, that's life.
LeoLady888 Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 4 hours ago, babybrowns said: namecalling, insults, general nastiness What is the attraction with a guy like this? Am I missing something? Sounds like a rather shady character to me - I'd say forget about him.
Calmandfocused Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: babybrowns, serious question. Is all this a turn on for you? Does it indicate his strength and the power he has over you? Maybe CalmandFocused can answer, but I have read that such abuse can be incorrectly perceived by the woman as power and strength. At least early on during the infatuation stage. So just curious if that is, at least in part, what you are feeling? Not judging, just asking. I didn’t perceive it as power and strength. Deep down I knew my ex abusers were a**eholes What I can tell you is that abusers are very addictive. The golden period in the beginning is addictive, the highs after the crushing blows are addictive, the sex is very addictive. They start to hook/ groom you from the first first conversation with the aim to kick start the victim’s attachment/ addiction. They are master manipulators and exceptionally good at this BB, this guy has started to sow the seeds of your addiction to him. You’re thinking emotionally, not logically. Stop it! Get the hell out now for goodness sake and stay out. 5 1
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