disappointed and relieved at the same time

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

 

She starts telling that she's scared that she will be wasting my time. That she thinks that I can find someone better than her, that can give me more than her. she mentions how serious we are getting but also mentions that we are not a thing. 

 

Uh oh. 

[hokage240sx]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Uh oh. 

lol she was hinting that we are moving torward it, but not ready to accept it, obviously for whatever reasons she's afraid. 

[poppyfields]

59 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

..then she does that under the breath thing I mentioned. and says that she will come over tommorow at 8am to sleep with me for a lil while before work. I once agian try to hold her accountable (just like the candle) I say ok ill see you at 8 am. she says ok, but maybe because she might sleep through it. lmao. she didn't come over. in the morning I sent her a sweet text of a song she told me she loved and I sent her some lyrics that reminded me of her. she texted me later in the morning saying "ahh, goodmorning lol so much for putting my alarm :(". I sent back "its cool, it happens".

Thnx for the update.  The only thing I would suggest here (bolded) is that when she tells you she is going to do something, like coming to yours at 8:00 a.m., or buying you candles, or anything really, but does not follow though, stop rewarding that behavior with more attention like sending her a sweet text with lyrics from a song she likes.  

All that does is encourage her to continue her poor behavior.  It might also cause her to lose respect for you.  

I'm not suggesting you "punish."  Simply be neutral.  Wait to hear from her first and see if she apologies.

Edited December 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[hokage240sx]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The only thing I would suggest here^^ is that when she tells you she is going to do something, like coming to yours at 8:00 a.m., or buying you candles, or anything really, but doesn't follow though, stop rewarding that behavior with more attention like sending her a sweet text with lyrics from a song she likes.  

All that does is encourage her to continue her poor behavior.  It might also cause her to lose respect for you.  

I'm not suggesting you "punish."  Simply be neutral.  Wait to hear from her first and see if she apologies.

ok, yea, so annoying. I guess I did think about it that way

I think were I messed up is I started to spill my guts, when she probably just wanted to vent. I need to just sit and listen rather then start talking. 

my plan is just to just send a text on Tuesday and initiate a date for Friday. 

im learning more as I go, i feel like im mentally in a better place then before. when I was letting impulse and anxiety get me. im also learning how to treat people, give people there space and not be overbearing.   

[Yosemite]

2 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

She starts telling that she's scared that she will be wasting my time. that she thinks that I can find someone better than her, that can give me more than her. she mentions how serious we are getting but also mentions that we are not a thing. she says that she is afraid to be in a relationship with me. that she does not want to get hurt. she also mentioned our age gap and how I have more experience than her. 

I think she was in the process of breaking up with you, but because she's so young and inexperienced she let you talk over her/railroad her off her message. Don't be surprised if you're dumped by text...she tried in person, next step is over text where you can't talk over her.

She either doesn't like sex or more likely doesn't like it with you. I can't believe that you gave a virgin rough, painful intercourse for her first time...of course she won't have intercourse with you again.

You two are not a match. You're wasting your time and you need to find someone closer to your age. You're pushing 30 and dating someone whose mom is still telling them when they should and shouldn't go out. This is not going to work.

[Miss Spider]

Moving forward? I admire your optimism but the way I interpreted all of that was that she is very plainly trying to tell you she’s not that into you, without saying those exact words.  That was a textbook example of the “it’s me, not you”

2 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

lol she was hinting that we are moving torward it, but not ready to accept it, obviously for whatever reasons she's afraid. 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

She starts telling that she's scared that she will be wasting my time. that she thinks that I can find someone better than her, that can give me more than her. she mentions how serious we are getting but also mentions that we are not a thing. she says that she is afraid to be in a relationship with me. that she does not want to get hurt. she also mentioned our age gap and how I have more experience than her. 

. I tell her I want to take her to ride bikes tommorow. she said she can't due to work, ect. I said ok. I said when are your free. she says I don't know. I say when will you know. she says I don't know cause my mom doesn't want me to be going out as much anymore. I say ok, and get off the subject.

hokage, that first paragraph was her trying to break up witih you.     The second paragraph was an excuse she made up to avoid you because you missed that she was trying to dump you.

It's time to end it.    Go and find someone who meets your needs.

[elaine567]

21 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

I think she was in the process of breaking up with you, but because she's so young and inexperienced she let you talk over her/railroad her off her message.

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

t the way I interpreted all of that was that she is very plainly trying to tell you she’s not that into you, without saying those exact words.  That was a textbook example of the “it’s me, not you”

I agree.
OP you are projecting how you feel about her onto her.
She doesn't feel the same way about you. She wants out. 
The Mom excuse  was telling you she doesn't want to see you, and the you deserve better than me  and I don't want to waste your time is classic break up language.
She tried to placate you with the 8am meet, but ducked out as that was the last thing she wanted to do... She had no intention of meeting you for sex in the morning.. 
Leave her alone is my advice.
Sorry....

[poppyfields]

I hesitated to say it, but gotta agree with Yosemite, shortskirts and basil.

Sorry man.  

Edit:  And elaine. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[hokage240sx]

I would disagree cause this girl has been really worried about the pandemic and her mom is all on her about it! she is definetly into me, I don't know how that part was mis interpreted. all she said is that she wasn't ready for penetration. she was happy to give me oral, and offered agian when I was rejected penetration. now I don't think she knows what she wants lol. Ill let you guys know if another date is set up for Friday. Now im starting to get sad that we definetly are on two different worlds or experience I can feel it now. I understand we get along really well and have great chemistry but It may not be enough in the end. but I will ride it out till the end. Believe me, everything this girl does is cause she wants to do it. I can not get her to do anything she doesn't want even if I wanted too, she is very independent and assertive with her stances on things. when she says no to things, she knows they don't happen, she honestly has the say on everything we do. or if there even is a date. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude anytime someone says you can find someone better. That's just a kind way of saying I want to break up with you. I don't want to date you.

Man, keep going. You're ignoring all the wisdom here. Well she's gonna keep being herself ... and you're going to get the same result?

What's up with that? BTW: when we say she's not into you, we mean she's not passionately in to dating you right now. She might like you a lot, might admire you, might think you're super smart and and on and on. The test: when we like people, we make ourselves available to them. Period. 

[hokage240sx]

20 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude anytime someone says you can find someone better. That's just a kind way of saying I want to break up with you. I don't want to date you.

Man, keep going. You're ignoring all the wisdom here. Well she's gonna keep being herself ... and you're going to get the same result?

What's up with that? BTW: when we say she's not into you, we mean she's not passionately in to dating you right now. She might like you a lot, might admire you, might think you're super smart and and on and on. The test: when we like people, we make ourselves available to them. Period. 

well she feels that she can't satisfy me sexually. using that context it would make sense. she genuinely feels inferior to other girls, or me. -of course other girls can satisfy me better. 

yea maybe the dating thing, she doesn't want a label right now for sure. she seems viable for the amount of time she can give me. 

recently I noticed how precautious she is about the pandemic. I didn't even realize till now. her mom is on her about it like crazy. I believe she was honest about her mom not wanting to her to go out. 

the funny thing is these are all things people say when their lying, but she is not. 

if she wanted to break up with me she would, no sugar coating, thats the ways she is, she has said many things very bluntly too me. 

Im just gonna continue to ride it out, for now, I believe enough things went positively. 

we are all very skeptical, I am also, but the evidence shows that she being genuine. its almost unbelievable. 

if she says she doesn't want to go out on the next invitation, o well we won't go out. 

**after she rejected penetration**she kept worriedly repeating "o your not gonna wanna be with me anymore huh?** like over and over, I didn't respond cause I was bummed out. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by hokage240sx

[FMW]

50 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

well she feels that she can't satisfy me sexually.

I really don't want to be mean, but I think you also need to realize you didn't take care of her.  A woman's first sexual experience sets the tone.  If a guy is patient and gentle and makes sure she's physically ready before actual penetration, the pain is momentary.  It's not going to make her never want to do it again.  

Sure, there are certain medical conditions for which intercourse might always be painful for a woman, but chances are that isn't the issue here.  

Again, I didn't mention this to be mean, but just to make sure you don't get stuck on just one narrative in your head about what's going on here.  Maybe you don't mean it this way, but it sounds like you think you know more about what she wants than she does herself. 

My recommendation is just to consider the differing viewpoints you've been given and don't rule anything out.

[hokage240sx]

16 minutes ago, FMW said:

I really don't want to be mean, but I think you also need to realize you didn't take care of her.  A woman's first sexual experience sets the tone.  If a guy is patient and gentle and makes sure she's physically ready before actual penetration, the pain is momentary.  It's not going to make her never want to do it again.  

Sure, there are certain medical conditions for which intercourse might always be painful for a woman, but chances are that isn't the issue here.  

Again, I didn't mention this to be mean, but just to make sure you don't get stuck on just one narrative in your head about what's going on here.  Maybe you don't mean it this way, but it sounds like you think you know more about what she wants than she does herself. 

My recommendation is just to consider the differing viewpoints you've been given and don't rule anything out.

I mean she continues to put her self in the position to try to give me an opportunity. I can't even fathom a way to fix this issue, I guess for all I know the next time we meet she may be willing to try. Or she may just reject going out with me again, which is totally cool if thats what she wanted. but I really doubt that, we have been going out for over 4 months now and it seems like we are growing emotionally together. we have a great relationship other than that issue!

[Fletch Lives]

21 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, I've never heard this, but it's true!  I'm constantly staring at my fiance,  Woke up early morn and caught him staring at me too!

Dats cause when you are in love, they look better to you than they really do! 

[hokage240sx]

Alright, finally got a good update on my current relationship of 5 months. I finally had the courage to ask questions that should have been asked ago, we had a very open talk. I feel sad cause I got invested so quick and my pace was a lot faster than the girl. But im finally relieved I know where is stand. I may not chose to continue this, or I may just keep her as a friend. So basically we both acknowledged that the age gap of 20 and 28 is pretty large and we are both on very different stages in life. She told me her life goals are to be happy and hopefully her hard work in school will pay off. She said that she is taking our relationship serious now, but no labels. she also said that her relationship goals are to just go with the flow with me. she said that a relationship is not her priority at the time. she said her communication style is that she prefers to talk everyone and a while, that she prefers to just talk in person, so we don't run out of things to say. she isn't too worried about meeting up every week, but most of the time it is weekly. but based of her actions she doesn't seem to worried if we hang out weekly. I finally realized where I stand, its obviously very casual. Its probably not worth my effort, it requires me to always to all the initiating as well. I guess I don't feel very valued, which is what ill probably want from a future relationship. we are on the best terms we have every been, very open, feels like fwb slightly. yea it kinda bums me out, I can't put my finger on why exactly. many of you guys were right, thank you for your replies

[elaine567]

At 28, you need to be starting to look for "serious" something in a few years that will lead to marriage and kids.
Else you will be stuck like so many guys in their thirties, with attracting women who are not what they want, women who they do not see as wife/long term material.
Dating 20 yos is not a good strategy, as 20yos grow up and when in a few years you want to settle down, she goes "no way, I am out of here." and she leaves you to pursue her life.
It is a waste of your time and by that time you are a few years older, are burned by the experience and may take another few years to get over it.
Be glad you know where you stand here. DO NOT agree to be friends. She will mess up your thinking and being an orbiter in the hope she changes her mind is really no fun.
ALSO Few relationship minded women want a guy who has a hot younger woman as a friend...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, hokage240sx said:

She told me her life goals are to be happy and hopefully her hard work in school will pay off. She said that she is taking our relationship serious now, but no labels. she also said that her relationship goals are to just go with the flow with me. she said that a relationship is not her priority at the time. 

This is her very roundabout way of saying that she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. 

It's time to move on from her, OP. She isn't into you the same way you are into her, and you don't want to get hurt when she happens to meet a guy she does want to date and you get left in the dust. That's what is going to happen to if you stick around. 

You tried, and it's good that you talked. But if you're looking for a relationship, which it seems you are, it isn't going to be with this woman. 

[Wiseman2]

Good you talked. At least you finally heard her about school,etc being her priority. 

She doesn't want what you want. She doesn't want a BF, fwb or sex with you.

That's ok. At least you're free to find women closer to your age group and more experienced.

She may be too naive to break-up or actually in her mind there's nothing to break-up from.

Don't be friends, you're wasting your time babysitting.

 

 

Edited December 14, 2020 by Wiseman2

[alphamale]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good you talked. At least you finally heard her about school,etc being her priority. 

She doesn't want what you want. She doesn't want a BF, fwb or sex with you.

That's ok. At least you're free to find women closer to your age group and more experienced.

She may be too naive to break-up or actually in her mind there's nothing to break-up from.

Don't be friends, you're wasting your time babysitting.

 

 

^^^this

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

ALSO Few relationship minded women want a guy who has a hot younger woman as a friend...

this can be problematic alright,

its not easy for a man to relinquish the novelty though of the hot younger woman- even just as a friend,

its an ego thing I suppose-personally speaking anyway.

[Miss Spider]

Be her “friend”? Not this again. 

[Blind-Sided]

@elaine567 is right.  You are at an age where you want LTR. someone who is 20 and still in school, or just out of school is not in the same mental place as you.   While 8 years is not too large of an age gap... you have it right where you are in different stages of life.  My exW and I were 8 years apart... and age was never a factor. But, I stayed in college for 8 years, and I left with my Physics degree one year before she graduated. So... while we were 8 years apart... we were in the same stage... and that's the key.

Don't try to be her friend... at least at first.  Separate yourself for a while.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

we are on the best terms we have every been, very open, feels like fwb slightly. 

Not sure how it could feel like FWB when you're not having sex, more specifically she refuses to have sex with you.  Unless you consider the "benefits" part to mean something other than sex.

I'm glad you have finally gotten some closure though.  Nix the "friendship," that's not gonna work, I think you know that. 

Good luck moving forward!  

 

[poppyfields]

Hokage, do you remember the story I shared on one may have been two of your threads about my second boyfriend?  And how my "love" for him was more like a close brother?  At least comfort wise.

And how having sex with him repulsed me?  I didn't refuse or make up a story about having vaginismus or anything like that, I went ahead and had sex, and hated it.

Other than that, we got on fabulously!  I considered him my best friend, literally. 

After a few years, I met another man who literally knocked my socks off, awakened my sexuality.  So I dumped my boyfriend.

In retrospect I should have broken up with my boyfriend way before that.  Not proud that I did not, and have regrets because I hurt him deeply.

Anyway, ask yourself if you want to be "that" guy, her comfort zone, safety net until a man comes along and she won't know what hit her.  And will dump you.

Please don't be that guy.  I think you got side-tracked with her, she's young, I am presuming hot, and she presented a great challenge for you.

Which at the end of day, is not love.  Not truly.   Which may be why you feel only disappointed and relieved now, versus hurt and devastated like my second boyfriend did.

$.02.

Edited December 14, 2020 by poppyfields