Author hokage240sx Posted December 9, 2020 Author Posted December 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: The fact that you are asking this question shows you are feeling something is missing from the relationship. The way I know a woman is invested is she'll start just be happy as hell when she's with me. She'll also gratuitously (no prompting from me) talk about how happy she is or how much fun she is having in our relationship. She'll also pay really close attention to what I'm saying. Not just intellectual attention, but an intense attention. Like what I'm saying is really important and relevant (which it is--early on you're still learning about each other). What I sense is .you guys just are vibing together. There's no real emotional chemistry it seems. Something feels like it's missing to you. This is one of those "If you have to ask the question, then there's a problem." You should be able to know--to feel--easily feel that she's invested. But don't work hard to get more invested. You guys just might not match up, seems to me. yea this is usually y the car for me as well. this one has been a little weird. its like im doing all the work, she moves too slow for me. and I don't feel like I can communicate anything without sounding needy. its such a weird situation. and then when I do express things, or call too much. now im pressuring someone, that I rush things too fast. I just continue to feel like im doing something wrong lol. I hate it it seems like im going in circles.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 Dude, if you feel she's moving too slow, then the relationship ain't gonna work for you. So yes, there is no way out of that problem. Call less, and things move slow. Call more and things don't speed up. This = you guys don't fit. 1
Author hokage240sx Posted December 9, 2020 Author Posted December 9, 2020 18 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Dude, if you feel she's moving too slow, then the relationship ain't gonna work for you. So yes, there is no way out of that problem. Call less, and things move slow. Call more and things don't speed up. This = you guys don't fit. damn it, I always thought I could get along with everyone. I guess its just my ego that doesn't want to let go of the relationship. haha, yea I call more and the person pulls Back so it gets even slower. so horrible. thinking about it that way calling less would move things quicker haha but super slow.
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 I dated guys that were too slow for me...I dumped them. The problem is, you are not compatible...your expectations don't match. So instead of trying to force a square peg into a round hole, see that your expectations are not being met, this is making your frustrated/worrisome...yes you are wasting your time. She is how she is, and you can't make her someone to suit your needs/wants/desires. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 I agree that if you feel like she's not as invested as you, she's most likely not. I think one of the biggest mistakes men make is letting their attraction and interest in a woman blind them to the reality that he's more into her than she is into him. Male biology drives you to try to lock down the mate you want - but this often ends in disaster once she gets bored and wants to wander, especially if it gets to the point that you're married with kids, and she takes half the assets and primary custody of the kids. It seems to me that when this happens, a lot of men are essentially ruined from ever truly loving again. All because they ignored their hunch that she wasn't as into him as he was her. So listen to those hunches. 3
FMW Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 Your age difference might not be that great, but your stages of life probably are. She's in the middle of schooling, and at 20 just finding out how to navigate the world as an adult. She's probably enjoying her freedom and time with friends and may not be ready to dedicate more time to building a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or your relationship - she just doesn't have the same desire to advance things right now. If you try to push her she will likely rebel, either right up front or a little further down the line. You have to figure out if you are willing to take things at her pace for now or if you want to be free to find someone who is at the same stage you are in pairing up. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 Dude, there is NO SUCH thing as getting along with everyone--except on superficial level. And there is no such thing as being able to be in a happy relationship with everyone. To assume you can be happy with everyone in romance = you have no taste, no preferences, no opinions, no shape to your life (such that the shape of someone else's life could conflict).
Miss Spider Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: I agree that if you feel like she's not as invested as you, she's most likely not. I think one of the biggest mistakes men make is letting their attraction and interest in a woman blind them to the reality that he's more into her than she is into him. Male biology drives you to try to lock down the mate you want - but this often ends in disaster once she gets bored and wants to wander, especially if it gets to the point that you're married with kids, and she takes half the assets and primary custody of the kids. It seems to me that when this happens, a lot of men are essentially ruined from ever truly loving again. All because they ignored their hunch that she wasn't as into him as he was her. So listen to those hunches. Yes agree. Works both ways. Listen to your intuition/feeling/gut. It exists for a reason. I think people try to block this out or don’t give it room for a say because they think that it is just stemming from a fear and it might be. . But that does exist to protect you so you shouldn’t totally dismiss what that voice has to say. If you get a feeling she’s not reciprocating or investing enough emotionally, chances are she’s not. Edited December 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: If you get a feeling she’s not reciprocating or investing enough emotionally, chances are she’s not. Yes. If both people are invested and into it, they make it abundantly clear. If you ever have to ask "is he/she into me?", they're probably not that into you. 1 1
Author hokage240sx Posted December 9, 2020 Author Posted December 9, 2020 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: I dated guys that were too slow for me...I dumped them. The problem is, you are not compatible...your expectations don't match. So instead of trying to force a square peg into a round hole, see that your expectations are not being met, this is making your frustrated/worrisome...yes you are wasting your time. She is how she is, and you can't make her someone to suit your needs/wants/desires. yup I wish that wasn't the case. sucks cause I like most of her haha. 3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: I agree that if you feel like she's not as invested as you, she's most likely not. I think one of the biggest mistakes men make is letting their attraction and interest in a woman blind them to the reality that he's more into her than she is into him. Male biology drives you to try to lock down the mate you want - but this often ends in disaster once she gets bored and wants to wander, especially if it gets to the point that you're married with kids, and she takes half the assets and primary custody of the kids. It seems to me that when this happens, a lot of men are essentially ruined from ever truly loving again. All because they ignored their hunch that she wasn't as into him as he was her. So listen to those hunches. yea that makes, sense that would be horrible. I guess im not the only one that does this haha. 2 hours ago, FMW said: Your age difference might not be that great, but your stages of life probably are. She's in the middle of schooling, and at 20 just finding out how to navigate the world as an adult. She's probably enjoying her freedom and time with friends and may not be ready to dedicate more time to building a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or your relationship - she just doesn't have the same desire to advance things right now. If you try to push her she will likely rebel, either right up front or a little further down the line. You have to figure out if you are willing to take things at her pace for now or if you want to be free to find someone who is at the same stage you are in pairing up. yea I can see she is in a different stage of life as me for sure. its a tough decision. especially since it feels like I have to make the decision, since she's not backing down, its just not enough for me at this time. 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: Dude, there is NO SUCH thing as getting along with everyone--except on superficial level. And there is no such thing as being able to be in a happy relationship with everyone. To assume you can be happy with everyone in romance = you have no taste, no preferences, no opinions, no shape to your life (such that the shape of someone else's life could conflict). hmm I guess im just learning that now. I feel like we have really good chemistry tho. lots of laughing and having a good time. we might not have the same goals though. im taking it too serious, she probably isn't. 59 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yes agree. Works both ways. Listen to your intuition/feeling/gut. It exists for a reason. I think people try to block this out or don’t give it room for a say because they think that it is just stemming from a fear and it might be. . But that does exist to protect you so you shouldn’t totally dismiss what that voice has to say. If you get a feeling she’s not reciprocating or investing enough emotionally, chances are she’s not. yea my gut doesn't feel to good about this. but I also feel like maybe I am just bieng afraid. damn, hard too know. 54 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Yes. If both people are invested and into it, they make it abundantly clear. If you ever have to ask "is he/she into me?", they're probably not that into you. no she is definetly into me. just I don't know how to make it work. because I like a lot of contact, and would like to see her more. and she like her independence and less frequent contact. she is ok with just a once a week im not really.
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 5 minutes ago, hokage240sx said: yup I wish that wasn't the case. sucks cause I like most of her haha. It not just liking someone, it's also about having your expectations fulfilled. She's not doing that...you dump them and find someone who does. You are just chasing your own carrot on a stick. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 9 minutes ago, hokage240sx said: yup I wish that wasn't the case. sucks cause I like most of her haha. yea that makes, sense that would be horrible. I guess im not the only one that does this haha. yea I can see she is in a different stage of life as me for sure. its a tough decision. especially since it feels like I have to make the decision, since she's not backing down, its just not enough for me at this time. hmm I guess im just learning that now. I feel like we have really good chemistry tho. lots of laughing and having a good time. we might not have the same goals though. im taking it too serious, she probably isn't. yea my gut doesn't feel to good about this. but I also feel like maybe I am just bieng afraid. damn, hard too know. no she is definetly into me. just I don't know how to make it work. because I like a lot of contact, and would like to see her more. and she like her independence and less frequent contact. she is ok with just a once a week im not really. Yes she may be into you..she probably is to some extent to keep hanging out. It’s to what extent she’s interested and perhaps her motivations that your gut is questioning. Don’t ignore it. 2
poppyfields Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, hokage240sx said: no she is definetly into me. just I don't know how to make it work. because I like a lot of contact, and would like to see her more. and she like her independence and less frequent contact. she is ok with just a once a week im not really. Bolded, may I ask why? Is it because you have a strong desire to be close and committed OR does your ego not like the fact that she is not all over you pushing for more? Could the reason why you like her so much be precisely because she is so independent and not pushing you for more time? Thus allowing you to miss her and long for her? What's your relationship history? Has it been the norm with previous girlfriends to spend a lot of time together, texting and calling a lot in between? Not accusing, just asking. I mean you know she's into you, you know she's busy with school, she positively responds to all your invites, lots of chemistry, you have a great time together, I'm not quite understanding what the issue is, other than perhaps your ego not liking that she is not falling over you? Perhaps you're not used to that and it's confusing you? Causing some insecurity. How long have you been dating her? Apologies if this was already asked and answered. Anyway, determine what's driving this need to spend more time, and if it's a genuine desire for a close committed relationship right now and you are not open to giving it more time, then talk to her. If that's not where she's at right now, then maybe best to wish her well and walk. Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author hokage240sx Posted December 9, 2020 Author Posted December 9, 2020 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Bolded, may I ask why? Is it because you have a strong desire to be close and committed OR does your ego not like the fact that she is not all over you pushing for more? Could the reason why you do like her so much be precisely because she is so independent and not pushing you for more time? Thus allowing you to miss her and long for her? What's your relationship history? Has it been the norm with previous girlfriends to spend a lot of time together, texting and calling a lot in between? Not accusing, just asking. I mean you know she's into you, you know she's busy with school, she positively responds to all your invites, lots of chemistry, you have a great time together, I'm not quite understanding what the issue is, other than perhaps your ego not liking that she is not falling over you? Perhaps you're not used to that and it's confusing you? How long have you been dating her? Apologies if this was already asked and answered. Anyway, determine what's driving this need to spend more time, and if it's a genuine desire for a close committed relationship right now and you are not open to giving it more time, then talk to her. If that's not where she's at right now, then maybe best to wish her well and walk. my relationship history is that I got out of a 13 year realtionship. we lived together for 2 years. im not used to being alone, probably part of my codependency. those are great questions. in the past all the girls that are into me make it clear and are all over me. so yes I can see it as an ego thing. cause I believe if I really wanted a relationship I would probably look else where. also I didn't think about it but the not pushing thing is probably making me miss her more. I think it will be ok to stay in this, just as long as I relax. there really isn't a hurry, I guess I just am either scared that im not doing something right and ill miss my opportunity. or that she is using me. I don't know, I do like her though. but the questions you asked are hard to answer I would have to reflect deeply. I think about it and if someone that I didn't like that much were acting pushy, needy or impatient I probably wouldn't want to keep hanging out with them. I wonder what the difference is for her, she continues to see me weekly. 1
basil67 Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 I don't see it as ego. Nor do I think you're being codependent. I think that wanting more than one or two days with a partner you've been with for a few months is a perfectly reasonable expectation. Not, it may not be what everyone wants, but it's not silly and you'll find that there are plenty of women who value quality time with a partner. She's just not one of them. 2
Author hokage240sx Posted December 9, 2020 Author Posted December 9, 2020 27 minutes ago, basil67 said: I don't see it as ego. Nor do I think you're being codependent. I think that wanting more than one or two days with a partner you've been with for a few months is a perfectly reasonable expectation. Not, it may not be what everyone wants, but it's not silly and you'll find that there are plenty of women who value quality time with a partner. She's just not one of them. okay. yea this has me second guessing my sanity a this point lool
FMW Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 There's nothing wrong with wanting more from her, there's also nothing wrong with being willing to give her a little time. It's not an either or.
poppyfields Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 (edited) I agree it's not silly to want more after a few months, but it doesn't hurt to ask yourself the questions I proposed, to get insight into what motivates your feelings and desires. Hokage, in an earlier post, you yourself questioned whether it might be your ego driving this, I think it's good to consider such things before making any final decision. She may not be there yet, but you won't know until you either talk to her, or simply ask to see her more often and gauge her response. If she does not, it does not mean she won't be when her school load lightens up or she feels closer to you. My fiancé and I didn't even discuss being exclusive until around 2.5 months! We spent Saturdays into Sunday (24 hours) together for months! Some weeks we would see each other twice, but it was once a week for many months and we were crazy about each other! There is no right or wrong here, everyone's needs are different. Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields
Author hokage240sx Posted December 9, 2020 Author Posted December 9, 2020 40 minutes ago, FMW said: There's nothing wrong with wanting more from her, there's also nothing wrong with being willing to give her a little time. It's not an either or. ok, yea I am trying to be ok with going at her pace, seems to atleast show very slow progress haha. at the same time it will make sure I am sure. I have my moments of doubt and anxiety then I feel like it is gonna be ok. lol 35 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I agree it's not silly to want more after a few months, but it doesn't hurt to ask yourself the questions I proposed, to get insight into what motivates your feelings and desires. Hokage, in an earlier post, you yourself questioned whether it might be your ego driving this, I think it's good to consider such things before making any final decision. She may not be there yet, but you won't know until you either talk to her, or simply ask to see her more often and gauge her response. If she does not, it does not mean she won't be when her school load lightens up or she feels closer to you. My fiancé and I didn't even discuss being exclusive until around 2.5 months! We spent Saturdays into Sunday (24 hours) together for months! Some weeks we would see each other twice, but it was once a week for many months and we were crazy about each other! There is no right or wrong here, everyone's needs are different. yup those are really good questions. her going so slow in the relationship helps me actually answer those questions before it gets to serious I guess. yea my plan is too just continue setting dates at the end of every date haha. I wonder if that is a form of pressure as well. she knows my request comes at the end of every date now. would you suggest to just ask after a few days over text? ahh yea it looks like you guys took it slow as well, you saw your fiancé a little more than I see this girl. that is so cool you and your fiancé worked out! the only thing is she doesn't like me calling everyday, so I stopped calling all together. we just confirm dates through text the day off or the day before. lol
Lotsgoingon Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 Wanting more than a day a week is certainly reasonable. You can do this two ways. You can just come out and ask for this, say you want meetings x times a week. Then at least you would be moving the ball forward rather than just ruminating. But ... I have never know of a man or woman who likes someone ... who only wants to meet once a week. Never met or heard of such a person. Now, if she's into multiple partners or just an fwb, then sure. But never heard of once a week for a romantic relationship. Which means she's not into you, and "not into you" means she doesn't have the strong, strong attraction that would lead her to reorganize her life and time and prioritize you. You can have romance with iffy feelings. Doesn't work. 1
poppyfields Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) 33 minutes ago, hokage240sx said: ok, yea I am trying to be ok with going at her pace, seems to atleast show very slow progress haha. at the same time it will make sure I am sure. I have my moments of doubt and anxiety then I feel like it is gonna be ok. lol yup those are really good questions. her going so slow in the relationship helps me actually answer those questions before it gets to serious I guess. yea my plan is too just continue setting dates at the end of every date haha. I wonder if that is a form of pressure as well. she knows my request comes at the end of every date now. would you suggest to just ask after a few days over text? ahh yea it looks like you guys took it slow as well, you saw your fiancé a little more than I see this girl. that is so cool you and your fiancé worked out! the only thing is she doesn't like me calling everyday, so I stopped calling all together. we just confirm dates through text the day off or the day before. lol The more I read, the more I think she may just not be all that into you. As a woman, it’s easy to go through the motions when not feeling it all the way. I am sorry to suggest this might be happening. It just seems so rigid! You ask her out at the end of each date and you’re afraid she might feel pressured? She doesn’t like you calling every day so you decided to not call at all? And only text to confirm the day of or day before the once a week date? My fiancé and I took it slow but this sounds strange to me, very cold and distant, a lot of "walking on eggshells" on your part. No wonder you feel off about it. I don’t know man, you may want to consider calling this one a day, I'm sorry. Edited December 10, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: But ... I have never know of a man or woman who likes someone ... who only wants to meet once a week. Never met or heard of such a person. Raises hand! You just met one. At least early stages, first few months. We gradually eased into more, but once a week suited us just fine. Different strokes and all that. Edited December 10, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Author hokage240sx Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Wanting more than a day a week is certainly reasonable. You can do this two ways. You can just come out and ask for this, say you want meetings x times a week. Then at least you would be moving the ball forward rather than just ruminating. But ... I have never know of a man or woman who likes someone ... who only wants to meet once a week. Never met or heard of such a person. Now, if she's into multiple partners or just an fwb, then sure. But never heard of once a week for a romantic relationship. Which means she's not into you, and "not into you" means she doesn't have the strong, strong attraction that would lead her to reorganize her life and time and prioritize you. You can have romance with iffy feelings. Doesn't work. last week I saw her twice lmao. Her excuse is she is working on transferring into 4 year college she has a 3.8 gpa and works part time. and of course I know she has friends. she says she isn't dating anyone else she's super busy and only makes time to date me. she likes me, but I definetly like her more haha.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 Dude, excuses are just symptoms of low interest. There are ALWAYS reasons to not see someone more frequently. But again, I don't think time is the only issue. You're not feeling her interest. 2
Author hokage240sx Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: The more I read, the more I think she may just not be all that that into you. As a woman, it’s easy to go through the motions when not feeling it all the way. I am sorry to suggest this might be happening. It just seems so rigid! You ask her out at the end of each date and you’re afraid she might feel pressured? She doesn’t like you calling every day so you decided to not call at all? And only text to confirm the day of or day before the once a week date? My fiancé and I took it slow but this sounds strange to me, very cold and distant, a lot of "walking on eggshells" on your part. No wonder you feel off about it. I don’t know man, you may want to consider calling this one a day, I'm sorry. hahaha for real, why would I be typing all this stuff out. it does feel like im on egg shells. we had a few arguments before last week, that caused things to go this way. now im just hesitant. its really confusing, cause she acts very interested in person. also she is consistent on seeing me haha.
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