Entering my 30s starting to get depressed with dating

[lovers]

I was always told men age like wine, but im starting to think it could be a fallacy for most men. I have always adopted the mindset that I should focus on my education and get the job first then other things will fall into place. I got the job now and will need to put more attention to my love life. I will be entering my 30s and still single. In my 20s when relatives ask I could make the excuse that I need to focus on my career when that question was brought up, but now I feel like I need to find someone. Everyone in my family are married or in long term relationships and I am still single. It sucks a bit to go to family events and being literally the only single person and people asking me if i have a gf yet. My little sister who is a lot younger than me has someone. The feeling of just being lonely sucks and I felt insecure when everyone in my family has someone and I don't. Its hard not to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. It would be great to just have a stable relationship and have someone who I can come to home everyday and relax with. With moving into a different state and covid, my social life mainly consist of work friends who are all much older than me with wife and kids. I keep in contact with some old friends but we are all busy adulting in different states. Those couple friends I am close with are single too and its nice to have someone to chat with that is in the same boat. All my other friends who are married or in long term relationship I hardly talk to anymore which is natural I guess since we are so busy and they don't have a lot of free time like they used to. Most of their time is spent with their wives or girlfriends which is understandable. 

I'm not sure what my deal is but it just seems that the few girls that shows interest in me I don't want and the girls I want are taken or don't want me. I'm still trying to understand this part of my life but I think finding someone that is compatible is difficult. I have been in 3 relationships in the past and with a number of hook ups so I don't think I am completely undesirable. I would like something more fulfilling and meaningful like a relationship. I am college educated, have a respectable job, work out, good head on my shoulders from what I have been told, been told I am good looking by women, been told I have a good and inviting personality. So its not like I haven't been working on myself. The point of telling this is not to boast myself but to just give a better idea of me and what I have been told. Most of the women I meet at the moment are through dating apps and I get matches here and there, but a lot of times I just swipe right to see what I can get and the ones I do match with I find are unattractive. I don't think I am that picky, but I just would like someone who brings something to the table like has a career takes care of themselves etc... I match with someone who is decent every once awhile and even then its hard to even get them to respond let alone go out on a date. Just seems like online dating is everyone trying to shoot for someone "above" them.

I think there is a combination of things why I am still single. Things that I can think of is I work a lot especially on nights so I have little free time, I am also introverted so I don't actively ask girls out in person just mainly through dating apps. I have the ability to talk to people and can be outgoing but my social interactions are mainly limited to just work people and they all have family and kids. It just feels like if theres a girl that sparks my interest she is likely taken. I just think its harder to make friends when you get older too. Not like it was in high school or college. I don't think I am that picky. I don't understand it. Just my random thoughts. This has always been a part of my life that is lacking and at this age I just want to settle down and build something meaningful with someone. Any experiences or tips would greatly be appreciated.

Edited December 13, 2020 by lovers

[Maldives]

I think you summed up dating in the present nicely..I'm in the same boat as you have a great job nice apartment workout been told the same yet single last 4 yrs ...I honestly think it's it the age were in with all the dating platforms they are s***. You are right when you say people on there are aiming too high. You see the same girls on there yrs later too lol. I've found meetups a little better but am yet to go on a date but that's due to me not stepping up the approach and keeping the conversation too friend based l. Still I think it's better than the apps as you get to see the person in real life and you get a better feel for how you connect and especially attraction. That would be my suggestion and you can still keep the apps and put the main focus and meeting people in person 

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, I am sorry that you’re dealing with this. 
 

unfortunately for some men, this isn’t the 50s anymore. You need more than a job to get a woman’s interest. Women work now and make plenty  so they have more liberty to consider looks, personality, and other factors in a partner. On a dating app, a woman can be approached by hundreds of chads a day with good jobs. It takes more of a connection to grab her interest there. you could be one of those people that just finds it difficult to find people that you “connect“ with. It might take longer for you . I also I understand it being more difficult to meet people in your circle if you don’t have many single friends and don’t come in contact with people in your day to day. Since youre outgoing, see if you can go out and meet people after coronavirus thing blows over.  

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Blind-Sided]

I don't know... I see this all the time here.  I was very worried about this exact same thing when I was going through my divorce. But I stayed away from dating apps.  Once I was ready to date (mentally) I started going out with friends... and eventually, there was several girls who were interested in me.  I "Friended" one of them, because I needed to learn how to date again.  But eventually, I found happiness with a pretty girl, and we have been happy since. (about 10 months now)  So... this may go against your personality... but you need to put yourself out there to find someone.  This isn't college/Highschool anymore... and girls won't fall into your lap.   And, just like with your career... it's going to take effort on your part to find someone.   So... my advice would be to put the job aside a little... just to make some time in the evenings... and put yourself out there.

The down side to this is... if you are a work-o-holic... girls won't like that.  They want a guy who can be with them, spend time with them... and be close to them.  (A consideration on keeping someone)  

 

[Gaeta]

My daughter had a childhood friend like you. Sweet guy with his life on track, a bit of a loner, and he never had a girlfriend. I didn't see him for a couple of years then I came across him in the metro...holy cow!! he had hit the gym, he wasn't big but he was sculpted under his shirt, he was ooooozing confidence and my jaw dropped to the floor. That night I called my daughter and told her I had come across Shy-Steve, she replied isn't he amazing!! and he's got a girlfriend now. 

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

I stayed away from dating apps.  Once I was ready to date (mentally) I started going out with friends... and eventually, there was several girls who were interested in me. 

Thing is you were lucky you had a friend circle who were only too happy to wheel out all the single women they knew for you to meet.
And thankfully you met one who suited and was prepared to throw in her lot with you.
Had you not had their help, nor found a suitable girl, then you may have been in the same predicament so many men (and women) find themselves in.
OLD for some is not a choice, it is really  the only way they can find a suitable partner.

[ShyViolet]

You are setting yourself up for unhappiness with the attitude you have towards dating and life in general.  Stop comparing yourself to family members who are married or in relationships. It's not a competition; no one is keeping score.  Stop buying into this idea that you are "supposed" to have reached certain milestones by a certain age, or that you are "supposed" to be married by now.  Life doesn't work like that.  Those are the wrong reasons to want to be in a relationship.  

Life happens on its own timeline.  30 is YOUNG.  It's not weird to be single at 30.  I would recommend going the online dating route, but you have to have an OPEN MIND, and stop going into it with this negative attitude.  If you put a lot of pressure on the search, then the whole thing will be a negative experience and a source of unhappiness.  But if you just have an open mind and understand that it will happen when it happens, you'll be more at peace.  Meet people.  Go on dates.  You'll eventually find someone but it will happen on its own time.

You have to be happy with yourself as a single person.  You can't have this attitude that you'll only be happy IF you are in a relationship.  If you're not happy with yourself first, then another person will not complete you.  

[Happy Lemming]

27 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It's not weird to be single at 30.

100% Agree...  55 year old male, here and still happily single (never married, never will get married, no kids).

All of my male friends that did get married are divorced or miserable.

I never cared what my family thought of my lifestyle to stay single and nomadic.  Don't get married just because you feel pressure from you family, you will wind up miserable.

As far as "on-line" dating, I don't have a high regard for it.  I tried it briefly and found the whole mess to be crap, so I went back to meeting women in real life. 

Once the pandemic is over, go back to trying to meet women in real life, I think you will have better luck and be happier.

11 hours ago, lovers said:

 I have the ability to talk to people and can be outgoing...

Expand upon this and practice/hone your "game" (once the pandemic is over or reduced)

[d0nnivain]

It is harder to meet people after college, as an adult.  Covid makes everything even tougher & OLD is about all there is right now but hopefully that will change when the world re-opens. 

First are you using the word "introverted" correctly to describe yourself?  An introvert is someone who needs solitude to recharge; while an extrovert draws energy from people.  Introverted is not synonymous with shyness.  You can be both but I'm reading more shy then loner from what you post. 

You have resources.  Use them.  You have married friends & coupled up family members.  Ask them for help.  You never know who knows somebody who may be perfect for you.  

When the world re-opens the best place to find love is in-person while doing something you enjoy.  Engage with the world to find like minded people.  You don't have to be a brilliant conversationalist or the life of the party.  If you are sincere, kind & genuine you should be fine.  Start with a smile & hello.