Author Calmandfocused Posted December 13, 2020 Author Posted December 13, 2020 Update. He’s been in touch with me again to ask if I can return a few bits that are round my house. I’ve agreed to drop it on his doorstep later today. He didn’t want today but I do as I want the clean break. However the revelation is that he’s admitted he’s a dope head. Can’t live without his cannabis. It doesn’t change anything at all (I don’t date drug users) but it does explain a lot especially about falling asleep all the time, You may all say to me: “how did You not know?”. Honestly I didn’t know. Every now and then I’d smell it on him but he told me his housemate smoked a lot of weed so I accepted this as the reason. I now feel incredibly stupid!
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: . I’ve agreed to drop it on his doorstep later today. He didn’t want today but I do as I want the clean break. Yes, just drop it off. You don't owe him any convenience other than already going out of your way to deliver it. Sorry to say but he's sort of a Bozo . 2 1
Watercolors Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Update. He’s been in touch with me again to ask if I can return a few bits that are round my house. I’ve agreed to drop it on his doorstep later today. He didn’t want today but I do as I want the clean break. However the revelation is that he’s admitted he’s a dope head. Can’t live without his cannabis. It doesn’t change anything at all (I don’t date drug users) but it does explain a lot especially about falling asleep all the time, You may all say to me: “how did You not know?”. Honestly I didn’t know. Every now and then I’d smell it on him but he told me his housemate smoked a lot of weed so I accepted this as the reason. I now feel incredibly stupid! I agree with Wiseman. Your ex-b/f is a bozo. A stoner, huh? Eww, gross. Not good boyfriend material OR someone you should have around your two children, period. Don’t do that again!! Drop his stuff off and don’t bother ringing his doorbell when you do. Guys like him a mooches. He will use it as an opportunity to breadcrumb you with more faux apologies, b/c he knows what your triggers are already after 2.5 months. I think a break from dating is a good idea. Don’t feel stupid. You chose him because he’s your type. Well, time to break that “type” from your future dating opportunities. Screen men better. In fact, maybe think of avoiding online dating in general and focus on yourself, your children, and doing activities that make you happy (yes, I know, Covid though). You never know if/when you will meet a better quality man the old fashioned way. Save your money. Stop throwing it away every month on online dating. Set that amount aside every month to save up for a nice vacation or to buy something nice for you and your children instead. 2
Fletch Lives Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 If things were going well, at 2.5 months, you should be going into the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Obviously that's not happening. I'm sorry to say but this is obviously this is not a match. Keep fishing.
Versacehottie Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 I love stupid o'clock, that's hilarious. Yeah, drop off his stuff. No better way to get him out of your life asap. It's kind of ironic that he's too lazy to round it up today on his own, right? It's pretty symbolic of a lot of the issues along the relationship, right? The apathy, laziness. Definitely get his stuff out of your life so he can't drag you through coming to get it & try to keep hoping he reaches you at a weak moment. Good luck
Author Calmandfocused Posted December 13, 2020 Author Posted December 13, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I love stupid o'clock, that's hilarious. Yeah, drop off his stuff. No better way to get him out of your life asap. It's kind of ironic that he's too lazy to round it up today on his own, right? It's pretty symbolic of a lot of the issues along the relationship, right? The apathy, laziness. Definitely get his stuff out of your life so he can't drag you through coming to get it & try to keep hoping he reaches you at a weak moment. Good luck Yes I refused to let him come to my house to fetch his stuff. This way I have the control and I don’t have to communicate with him. Plus knowing what I now know I do not want drugs or him anywhere near my home and/ or near my children. I’ve very protective of my children. Whilst I’m pleased that I now know the truth, I keep cringing at the knowledge that he probably brought cannabis into my home at some point, and yet I had no idea. This is freaking me out a bit. So how do I screen for drug takers/ alcoholics in the future? (yep I met an alcoholic too just before this guy). I’m keen to dodge addicts as well as abusers . WC, all except one of my abusive exes were non drinkers and non drug takers. In fact I’ve never dated anyone whose even smoked cannabis occasionally, never mind someone whose addicted to it. I feel sick and appalled! Edited December 13, 2020 by Calmandfocused 1 1
lana-banana Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 So sorry to hear, CAF. This is definitely not long-term relationship material - but good on you for being strong and doing the right thing. A lot of people would delude themselves into thinking that it'd be fine, or that they can get past it, but you shouldn't. Your gut instincts are there for a reason! As a rule of thumb, I would say if you're noticing potential dealbreakers or things that seem insurmountable within the first six months, it's not a good sign. You should be spending those months madly infatuated and hanging on each other's every word, not wondering whether they're right for you. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 (edited) My mom is the biggest pothead ever and she would never come off that way. It is a bit annoying how much weed she smokes (more than any of my bfs) but it’s not something that really interferes with her life, so it’s easy to not know. It’d be easy to hide. Sorry that they hid this from you, but glad it illuminates things and makes the break up easier. Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Watercolors Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Yes I refused to let him come to my house to fetch his stuff. This way I have the control and I don’t have to communicate with him. Plus knowing what I now know I do not want drugs or him anywhere near my home and/ or near my children. I’ve very protective of my children. Whilst I’m pleased that I now know the truth, I keep cringing at the knowledge that he probably brought cannabis into my home at some point, and yet I had no idea. This is freaking me out a bit. So how do I screen for drug takers/ alcoholics in the future? (yep I met an alcoholic too just before this guy). I’m keen to dodge addicts as well as abusers . WC, all except one of my abusive exes were non drinkers and non drug takers. In fact I’ve never dated anyone whose even smoked cannabis occasionally, never mind someone whose addicted to it. I feel sick and appalled! I’m really proud of you for having strong boundaries with this guy now, about not allowing him to come over to your house to pick up his things. And I’m really happy to hear that you prioritize your children’s well-being over some random guy’s. Please don’t dwell on the past. At least it was only 6 weeks with this bozo, and not 6 months or worse...6 years! Can you imagine?! You can screen these men two ways: you can put that in your OLD “no drugs or alcohol” and you can tell them in person, “I don’t date men who drink, smoke pot, or do drugs.” And stick to it! There are so many eligible bachelors out there who don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, who would be a great partner for you and your children someday. But you have to be diligent about weeding out the guys who like to hit the pub for hours on end, who smoke weed (and lie about). I know some of your abusive exes weren’t into drugs or alcohol. So just be diligent. Make the guys really slow down the pace, by YOU slowing down the pace. Don’t let them bring their stuff over to your house so soon. Don’t introduce them to your children until you have fully vetted them and spent at least 2-3 months dating them. You know what I mean? Set up a system for yourself to follow, and if the guys you meet don’t meet your criteria, you just let them go.
Author Calmandfocused Posted December 13, 2020 Author Posted December 13, 2020 1 hour ago, lana-banana said: So sorry to hear, CAF. This is definitely not long-term relationship material - but good on you for being strong and doing the right thing. A lot of people would delude themselves into thinking that it'd be fine, or that they can get past it, but you shouldn't. Your gut instincts are there for a reason! As a rule of thumb, I would say if you're noticing potential dealbreakers or things that seem insurmountable within the first six months, it's not a good sign. You should be spending those months madly infatuated and hanging on each other's every word, not wondering whether they're right for you. You’re right. In the 10 weeks I was dating this guy I was not infatuated, there was no honeymoon period for me at all.
Author Calmandfocused Posted December 13, 2020 Author Posted December 13, 2020 7 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I’m really proud of you for having strong boundaries with this guy now, about not allowing him to come over to your house to pick up his things. And I’m really happy to hear that you prioritize your children’s well-being over some random guy’s. Please don’t dwell on the past. At least it was only 6 weeks with this bozo, and not 6 months or worse...6 years! Can you imagine?! You can screen these men two ways: you can put that in your OLD “no drugs or alcohol” and you can tell them in person, “I don’t date men who drink, smoke pot, or do drugs.” And stick to it! There are so many eligible bachelors out there who don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, who would be a great partner for you and your children someday. But you have to be diligent about weeding out the guys who like to hit the pub for hours on end, who smoke weed (and lie about). I know some of your abusive exes weren’t into drugs or alcohol. So just be diligent. Make the guys really slow down the pace, by YOU slowing down the pace. Don’t let them bring their stuff over to your house so soon. Don’t introduce them to your children until you have fully vetted them and spent at least 2-3 months dating them. You know what I mean? Set up a system for yourself to follow, and if the guys you meet don’t meet your criteria, you just let them go. It was more than 6 weeks but I’m splitting hairs. It doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I dread to think what I would have had to put up with at 5 months. Plus the sex life was dreadful. Sorry to be crude ( I’m just getting my thoughts out there) but evidently the way he had sex was everything to do with him being off his face and numb to any sensation. I’m still in shock that I didn’t notice that I was having sex with someone stoned out their mind. This knowledge is making me very queasy. At least I know now. That’s what I keep telling myself.
Author Calmandfocused Posted December 13, 2020 Author Posted December 13, 2020 With my last long term partner I didn’t introduce him to my children until I’d been dating him a year. On reflection that was way too long but at the same time I don’t want my children having memories of their mother having a string of boyfriends. It’s a hard balance to establish. 1 1
Watercolors Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: With my last long term partner I didn’t introduce him to my children until I’d been dating him a year. On reflection that was way too long but at the same time I don’t want my children having memories of their mother having a string of boyfriends. It’s a hard balance to establish. I don’t think a year is too long to wait to introduce a man to your children. You did what you thought was best at the time. “ Don’t second guess yourself so much. As long as you prioritize your life around what’s best for your children, and what’s best for you, then any man who comes into your life will have to realize he comes in 4th, NOT 1st. If a man doesn’t respect your priorities as a single mom, which is a lot, then he doesn’t respect you or your children. Edited December 14, 2020 by Watercolors
smackie9 Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 As I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. After a few weeks of this you kick them to the curb, not spend months banging your head against the wall....why do that?
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