Would you continue to date someone after 2.5 months if .

[Calmandfocused]

You feel like low priority, let down by the person you’re dating, and you feel like the person you’re dating really doesn’t give a damn about you? 
 

Following my previous threads regarding “jackhammering” and “he doesn’t like talking on the phone” I’ve had enough. 
 

It’s only been 2.5 months and I’ve come to the end of my tether. 
 

Am I being unreasonable in my thinking?  I don’t how much longer I can deal with issue after issue. 
 

I can’t make someone treat me how I want to be treated. I’m exhausted. 
 

Loveshackers, shall I just throw in the towel and throw in it for good? Dating shouldn’t be this much hard work should it?

[Pumaza]

You already answered your self.

Dont onow your other post.

Eitherway as you said, you dating exactly to see and know the person to see if its a match also.

Since its not.break it of,move on.A guy sure will do his best if he is into you.

[BaileyB]

If you feel this way after two and a half months, It does seem like you know what you need to do.

You have indeed answered your own question. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Am I being unreasonable in my thinking? 

You need to get out a shotgun and aim it squarely at the thinking in the above sentence. And after you lower the gun, raise it again and fire. 

There is no such thing as being "unreasonable" at the start of a relationship. The relationship has to fit you, bend towards you, satisfy you. Asking whether you are being unreasonable is the kind of thing you yourself when you know, you're talking to a customer service rep who doesn't want to give you what you want a store.

A relationship has to work to your satisfaction. You don't bend and stretch and pretend and numb and fantasize to make yourself feel satisfied.  The complaints you have are about the basics--you're saying the basics of a decent relationship aren't even in place.  You'd find more attention and focus from a rock. 

So the question isn't whether you're being unreasonable. The question is, why did you take you 2.5 months to figure out this guy was not going to do it for you.

Seriously, you could have figured out that this guy was clueless in a month, six weeks at most. What took you so long? Dump this guy.

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Calmandfocused]

39 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Am I being unreasonable in my thinking? 

You need to get out a shotgun and aim it squarely at the thinking in the above sentence. And after you lower the gun, raise it again and fire. 

There is no such thing as being "unreasonable" at the start of a relationship. The relationship has to fit you, bend towards you, satisfy you. Asking whether you are being unreasonable is the kind of thing you yourself when you know, you're talking to a customer service rep who doesn't want to give you what you want a store.

A relationship has to work to your satisfaction. You don't bend and stretch and pretend and numb and fantasize to make yourself feel satisfied.  The complaints you have are about the basics--you're saying the basics of a decent relationship aren't even in place.  You'd find more attention and focus from a rock. 

So the question isn't whether you're being unreasonable. The question is, why did you take you 2.5 months to figure out this guy was not going to do it for you.

Seriously, you could have figured out that this guy was clueless in a month, six weeks at most. What took you so long? Dump this guy.

 

That’s a good question LGO.

I’ve known it’s not been what I want from the very start. The reason I’ve given it 2.5 months is because I've been tormented by wondering  if the issues have solely belonged to me and not him, ie) I’m too demanding, I’m  high maintenance, my expectations are too high.... etc. I wanted to give him a fair crack at the whip. 
 

I have one clear standard that I made clear to him from the offset: Treat me well. 
 

Unfortunately I don’t believe that he is treating me well. That would entail caring about be and giving a damn about my feelings which I believe he does not. That much is clear to me. 
 

Ive had him go on and on earlier today that he does care. However his behaviour in the past 24 hours has given me crystal clear clarity that he does not. I’m finding this evidence very hard to ignore as it now goes past just how I feel. 
 

I’m going to end this car crash tomorrow

Edited December 12, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Ruby Slippers]

Don't waste any more energy on this. You're better off single than being mistreated. 

[Miss Spider]

No I would not. They should be making your life better, not making you feel worse 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

OP, you already know the answer and you state it in your OP. 

No, I would not put up with any mistreatment for any period of time. I would walk away. You should walk away. 

[Alvi]

16 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Unfortunately I don’t believe that he is treating me well. That would entail caring about be and giving a damn about my feelings which I believe he does not. That much is clear to me. 

Well, if that's how you feel, then end it. You should still be on your honeymoon period with this guy, you know when everything is great and rosy. If you say that he doesn't care about your feelings now, imagine what is going to be like in 2 years from now. You really should not be dating anybody who doesn't treat you with kindness and respect.

[Calmandfocused]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Well, if that's how you feel, then end it. You should still be on your honeymoon period with this guy, you know when everything is great and rosy. If you say that he doesn't care about your feelings now, imagine what is going to be like in 2 years from now. You really should not be dating anybody who doesn't treat you with kindness and respect.

A very good point. I can’t see a future with him. The thought of how the relationship would be 2 years from now fills me with dread. I can’t do it. 
 

We haven’t really had a honeymoon period. Well I haven’t anyway. It’s been issue after issue. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Watercolors]

Just now, Calmandfocused said:

A very good point. I can’t see a future with him. The thought of how the relationship would be 2 years from now fills me with dread. I can’t do it. 
 

We haven’t really had a honeymoon period. Well I haven’t anyway. It’s been issue and issue. 

The reason women stay with abusive men is several reasons: low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, financial security, housing security...the list of reasons is endless. The result is always the same though: the verbal/emotional abuse will always, always escalate to physical abuse eventually. 

Also, you can’t reason with someone who is abusive. It’s futile. So, if you are staying with the hopes that reasoning with him will change the way he treats you, any “nice” behavior he exhibits is just temporary to keep you hooked on him, so that he can continue to condition you and break down your defenses, until you are so brainwashed and have no self-esteem left, that you will believe he is actually a good guy who is misguided and can be saved by you. 

Since you instinctively know that you can’t see a future with him at 2.5 months, which is supposed to be that fun period where two people have lots of sex and fun dates and get to know each other better, then you know you have to walk away and stop wasting your time. 

You cannot change him. Stop believing that you can. 

[Calmandfocused]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

The reason women stay with abusive men is several reasons: low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, financial security, housing security...the list of reasons is endless. The result is always the same though: the verbal/emotional abuse will always, always escalate to physical abuse eventually. 

Also, you can’t reason with someone who is abusive. It’s futile. So, if you are staying with the hopes that reasoning with him will change the way he treats you, any “nice” behavior he exhibits is just temporary to keep you hooked on him, so that he can continue to condition you and break down your defenses, until you are so brainwashed and have no self-esteem left, that you will believe he is actually a good guy who is misguided and can be saved by you. 

Since you instinctively know that you can’t see a future with him at 2.5 months, which is supposed to be that fun period where two people have lots of sex and fun dates and get to know each other better, then you know you have to walk away and stop wasting your time. 

You cannot change him. Stop believing that you can. 

Thanks WC, I appreciate this post. 
 

Sorry I think I might have given the wrong impression here; he’s not been abusive per see (apart from today but that’s another story), it’s more about cluelessness, lack of awareness, not giving a damn, selfishness and very poor communication. Also, I believe he simply fails to see my value and my worth. 
 

However, notwithstanding, the thing that really gets my goat is that he just doesn’t seem overly excited or even interested in me. I feel like he’d rather do anything but spending time with me. He denies all of this but that’s how i see it. 
 

On the nights I do see him he falls asleep on my sofa very early and within the first hour. Every single time I see him.   Yes he works long hours but does that sound like fun to you? I’ve put up with this because I’ve tried to be supportive and understanding about his working arrangements but it’s grating on me and is making me feel angry and resentful. I’m finding this hard to admit as I fear I sound horrible writing this but unfortunately it’s true

[Alvi]

18 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I can’t see a future with him. The thought of how the relationship would be 2 years from now fills me with dread. I can’t do it. 

This guy sounds like a bad dream. Just end it OP and never look back.

[Watercolors]

11 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Thanks WC, I appreciate this post. 
 

Sorry I think I might have given the wrong impression here; he’s not been abusive per see (apart from today but that’s another story), it’s more about cluelessness, lack of awareness, not giving a damn, selfishness and very poor communication. Also, I believe he simply fails to see my value and my worth. 
 

However, notwithstanding, the thing that really gets my goat is that he just doesn’t seem overly excited or even interested in me. I feel like he’d rather do anything but spending time with me. He denies all of this but that’s how i see it. 
 

On the nights I do see him he falls asleep on my sofa very early and within the first hour. Every single time I see him.   Yes he works long hours but does that sound like fun to you? I’ve put up with this because I’ve tried to be supportive and understanding about his working arrangements but it’s grating on me and is making me feel angry and resentful. I’m finding this hard to admit as I fear I sound horrible writing this but unfortunately it’s true

He’s trying to tell you in multiple ways (that you are intentionally ignoring, might I add) that he doesn’t respect you or even like you. I don’t know who asked who out or how you met. But what I do know from my own personal experiences, is that when a guy acts the way you describe, it’s because he’s too much of coward to breakup with the woman he’s dating, so he acts like an a**h*** and says horrible stuff, to get her to break up with him. 

He’s taking  advantage of your caring nature, because you allow him to. You allow him to cross your boundaries, because you want to take care of him and put his needs before your own, which is not how healthy relationships work either. Both people have needs and should equally compromise to meet each other’s needs. That’s the ideal scenario. But a guy who works long hours, falls asleep on your couch and doesn’t give a s*** about fulfilling your needs, is not a guy who likes or even respects you. Maybe he’s using you for your house because he has no place to live? Maybe his idea of a “date” is to just crash at your house after work because that’s convenient for him; who cares about the effect it has on you. But, you are allowing this and there’s no justifiable reason that you should allow him to do that at 2.5 months or 2.5 years. 

Is this your idea of what a healthy relationship looks like? Because if it is, then the problem starts with you and he’s just a symptom of that. Not to be harsh, but sometimes I feel being direct is better than pussyfooting around the issue. 

Stop asking “why is he doing this” and start asking yourself: why are you attracted to emotionally unavailable men like this guy? Do you have low self esteem? Are you bored? Lonely? Do you have trouble meeting men in general because you are introverted? Something inside you, is attracted to guys like this guy and until you figure out your triggers, you will continue to invest in guys who don’t even like you (sure, they’ll have sex with you b/c men are pigs that way). 

Walk away. By staying, you are validating to a guy who doesn’t value you - that you agree with him; you don’t value yourself. There’s nothing to analyze here either. As women, we LOVE to analyze and problem solve and over analyze until we get the answer that soothes our egos. We do it because we are socialized to do that where relationships are concerned. So, stop doing that. Stop overthinking this situation and just dump him already. 

Then, STOP dating and go figure out your triggers (codependency, low self esteem, etc. whatever those may be) and why you are attracted to men like this guy who don’t even care about your feelings. And why you can’t put up boundaries the minute you sense this happening, which in this case would be the boundary of breaking up with him, b/c you value and respect yourself more than he does, and no words or empty gestures he makes, can justify him not truly liking or respecting you the way you deserve to be by men you date. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Watercolors

[Versacehottie]

no i don't think you should keep seeing him.

What's that quote: the person you are dating shouldn't make you feel bad for being you.  Much more eloquent than that but yeah something like that.  I think regardless of what the issues are (i forgot the specifics on any other threads), that you are doubting yourself rather than spreading your wings.  You're worried about being too high maintenance, etc which is why you keep hanging in there.  Probably at least a mismatch and perhaps other problems on his end.  The bottom line is you aren't happy.  He doesn't make you happy; sounds like you don't "get each other".  So say goodbye  Good luck

[Calmandfocused]

16 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

He’s trying to tell you in multiple ways (that you are intentionally ignoring, might I add) that he doesn’t respect you or even like you. I don’t know who asked who out or how you met. But what I do know from my own personal experiences, is that when a guy acts the way you describe, it’s because he’s too much of coward to breakup with the woman he’s dating, so he acts like an a**h*** and says horrible stuff, to get her to break up with him. 

He’s taking  advantage of your caring nature, because you allow him to. You allow him to cross your boundaries, because you want to take care of him and put his needs before your own, which is not how healthy relationships work either. Both people have needs and should equally compromise to meet each other’s needs. That’s the ideal scenario. But a guy who works long hours, falls asleep on your couch and doesn’t give a s*** about fulfilling your needs, is not a guy who likes or even respects you. Maybe he’s using you for your house because he has no place to live? Maybe his idea of a “date” is to just crash at your house after work because that’s convenient for him; who cares about the effect it has on you. But, you are allowing this and there’s no justifiable reason that you should allow him to do that at 2.5 months or 2.5 years. 

Is this your idea of what a healthy relationship looks like? Because if it is, then the problem starts with you and he’s just a symptom of that. Not to be harsh, but sometimes I feel being direct is better than pussyfooting around the issue. 

Stop asking “why is he doing this” and start asking yourself: why are you attracted to emotionally unavailable men like this guy? Do you have low self esteem? Are you bored? Lonely? Do you have trouble meeting men in general because you are introverted? Something inside you, is attracted to guys like this guy and until you figure out your triggers, you will continue to invest in guys who don’t even like you (sure, they’ll have sex with you b/c men are pigs that way). 

Walk away. By staying, you are validating to a guy who doesn’t value you - that you agree with him; you don’t value yourself. There’s nothing to analyze here either. As women, we LOVE to analyze and problem solve and over analyze until we get the answer that soothes our egos. We do it because we are socialized to do that where relationships are concerned. So, stop doing that. Stop overthinking this situation and just dump him already. 

Then, STOP dating and go figure out your triggers (codependency, low self esteem, etc. whatever those may be) and why you are attracted to men like this guy who don’t even care about your feelings. And why you can’t put up boundaries the minute you sense this happening, which in this case would be the boundary of breaking up with him, b/c you value and respect yourself more than he does, and no words or empty gestures he makes, can justify him not truly liking or respecting you the way you deserve to be by men you date. 

Ironically I’ve got a history of being in abusive relationships which I’ve been in therapy for. Even more ironically is the fact that I’m doing very well at avoiding the classic abuser types. However what this does mean is I’m meeting men with behaviour types that are completely alien to me.

Some of the things that are  happening to me recently in dating has never happened to me before in my life. This experience being one of them. 
 

Ive said before that I’m so focused on the “he’s showing no warning signs of being abuser so that’s great ” and being subsequently relieved, that I’m missing other signs that the guy is wrong for me. 
 

No I’m extrovert and I’m generally very confident, except when it comes to relationships. I don’t trust myself to make a wise relationship decision and it seems I’m still learning in relation to what to avoid. 
 

I do see the good in people and I tend to focus on that first and foremost. But like you say, I need to focus and take note more on the overall picture. 

[Watercolors]

23 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Ironically I’ve got a history of being in abusive relationships which I’ve been in therapy for. Even more ironically is the fact that I’m doing very well at avoiding the classic abuser types. However what this does mean is I’m meeting men with behaviour types that are completely alien to me.

Some of the things that are  happening to me recently in dating has never happened to me before in my life. This experience being one of them. 
 

Ive said before that I’m so focused on the “he’s showing no warning signs of being abuser so that’s great ” and being subsequently relieved, that I’m missing other signs that the guy is wrong for me. 
 

No I’m extrovert and I’m generally very confident, except when it comes to relationships. I don’t trust myself to make a wise relationship decision and it seems I’m still learning in relation to what to avoid. 
 

I do see the good in people and I tend to focus on that first and foremost. But like you say, I need to focus and take note more on the overall picture. 

I’m glad you are in therapy. No, he doesn’t meet the classic abuser signs. But that’s the whole problem. Abusers can’t be put into a nice little box, created by the DSM-V. There are tons of websites and blogs and resources for abused women and warning signs of abusers. But, each abuser comes in different packaging.

Each abuser has their own personality, their own style. Some of their traits will fit the classic abuser traits. But they disguise the classic abuser pattern. Men who abuse women; they know how to take advantage of women who only date men like them. Abusive men have an underlying hatred of women, so they date insecure women they know won’t fight back. Abuse happens in varying degrees. 

So, there’s one trigger you’ve written in your post: low self esteem. You don’t trust yourself to make a wise relationship decision...yet. You keep trying, and like this with guy. But to your credit, after 2.5 months, your intuition kicked in, and gave you that uneasy feeling that you are still stuck in your abuse patterns with men; the way you allow him to treat you right now. 

Are you ready to end things with him? Will you? Or will you justify his behavior “he works late nights, so I let him sleep on my couch” so that he stays with you, even though he doesn’t even respect or like you. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Watercolors

[Calmandfocused]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I’m glad you are in therapy. No, he doesn’t meet the classic abuser signs. But that’s the whole problem. Abusers can’t be put into a nice little box, created by the DSM-V. There are tons of websites and blogs and resources for abused women and warning signs of abusers. But, each abuser comes in different packaging.

Each abuser has their own personality, their own style. Some of their traits will fit the classic abuser traits. But they disguise the classic abuser pattern. Men who abuse women; they know how to take advantage of women who only date men like them. Abusive men have an underlying hatred of women, so they date insecure women they know won’t fight back. Abuse happens in varying degrees. 

So, there’s one trigger you’ve written in your post: low self esteem. You don’t trust yourself to make a wise relationship decision...yet. You keep trying, and like this with guy. But to your credit, after 2.5 months, your intuition kicked in, and gave you that uneasy feeling that you are still stuck in your abuse patterns with men; the way you allow him to treat you right now. 

Are you ready to end things with him? Will you? Or will you justify his behavior “he works late nights, so I let him sleep on my couch” so that he stays with you, even though he doesn’t even respect or like you. 

I am 100% ready to end things with him and I will. 
 

I know I have to put my needs first and foremost and I know it’s the best decision for me. 
 

If I start thinking “we’ll you haven’t given him a chance” I’ll tell myself that 2.5 months is a bigger chance than most would give. 
 

You’re right he doesn’t like me. Doesn’t really talk to me to be fair. He’s too tired to talk. 

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I am 100% ready to end things with him and I will. 
 

I know I have to put my needs first and foremost and I know it’s the best decision for me. 
 

If I start thinking “we’ll you haven’t given him a chance” I’ll tell myself that 2.5 months is a bigger chance than most would give. 
 

You’re right he doesn’t like me. Doesn’t really talk to me to be fair. He’s too tired to talk. 

Ah, I hear a “but...” in your post. I sense that you are not ready to really end things yet. Listen, this is your life. All we are, are strangers on an online forum.

When you are ready to leave him, you will leave him. But, I sense you are not ready yet. And if you aren’t, you need to decide if/when you will be ready to leave him and what does that look like, so that it doesn’t have any fallout where you feel your safety is compromised by him. If he is a louse and a couch potato, you could change the locks. You could box up his stuff and tell him he has to leave. Then change the locks. I assume you two live together? 

[ShyViolet]

It's obvious that you already know the answer.  Put this relationship out of its misery.  2.5 months is a very short amount of time; if you already feel this way then this relationship isn't worth your time.  Time is precious; don't waste it.

Edited December 13, 2020 by ShyViolet

[Calmandfocused]

5 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Ah, I hear a “but...” in your post. I sense that you are not ready to really end things yet. Listen, this is your life. All we are, are strangers on an online forum.

When you are ready to leave him, you will leave him. But, I sense you are not ready yet. And if you aren’t, you need to decide if/when you will be ready to leave him and what does that look like, so that it doesn’t have any fallout where you feel your safety is compromised by him. If he is a louse and a couch potato, you could change the locks. You could box up his stuff and tell him he has to leave. Then change the locks. I assume you two live together? 

Oh my gosh! No! I’d never move in with a man I’d only been dating 2 months. I have 2 young children to think about.

 

I understand what you’re saying WC. In the past I’ve flip flopped back and forth for a long time before I finally pulled the plug. 
 

But this is different in the sense that I’m not hopelessly in love with him. So whilst I am upset (obviously) I can remain logical without being dictated by my emotions. 
 

I have done it. I rang him at stupid o'clock this morning and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. Not the easiest conversation I’ve ever had but I’m glad it’s done. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Following my previous threads regarding “jackhammering” and “he doesn’t like talking on the phone” I’ve had enough. ’

Its only been 2.5 months and I’ve come to the end of my tether. 

Perfect time to cut your losses.

6 weeks of frustration is enough to know it's time for the "it's not working out" talk.

Don't bring up the ED, bad sex and lassitude about communication. 

Just make it a clean simple break.

[Watercolors]

24 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Oh my gosh! No! I’d never move in with a man I’d only been dating 2 months. I have 2 young children to think about.

 

I understand what you’re saying WC. In the past I’ve flip flopped back and forth for a long time before I finally pulled the plug. 
 

But this is different in the sense that I’m not hopelessly in love with him. So whilst I am upset (obviously) I can remain logical without being dictated by my emotions. 
 

I have done it. I rang him at stupid o'clock this morning and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. Not the easiest conversation I’ve ever had but I’m glad it’s done. 

Good for you!! Glad you did it! Don't you feel a huge weight of relief now? You've cut loose a heavy anchor who would have continued to weigh you down. 

Now you are free to find a higher quality partner. Remember, have confidence in yourself about who you choose to date. The moment you see a red flag in the guy's actions or words, cut and run. Don't second guess yourself anymore. I used to do that but not anymore. And it's a hard habit to break; the self-doubt and second-guessing. But I'm so happy for you! You're free!

[Calmandfocused]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Good for you!! Glad you did it! Don't you feel a huge weight of relief now? You've cut loose a heavy anchor who would have continued to weigh you down. 

Now you are free to find a higher quality partner. Remember, have confidence in yourself about who you choose to date. The moment you see a red flag in the guy's actions or words, cut and run. Don't second guess yourself anymore. I used to do that but not anymore. And it's a hard habit to break; the self-doubt and second-guessing. But I'm so happy for you! You're free!

Well apart from feeling very tired because I haven’t slept much worrying about this, yes I do feel better. 
 

You’re right. There’s always this nagging feeling for me that I should give someone a chance before I terminate. However I think this is what keeps me sticking around. I need to ignore this and trust my instincts from the get go. 
 

And if that means I have to date 20 more men in order to get there then I will.

But for now I’m giving myself a break. All this is wearing me out.  
 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry , it’s very hard to break up with someone. You made the right decision, though! Stay strong. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes