IntBrowser Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 I was informed last night that my state has cancelled indoor dining until January. So the lady I met 3 weeks ago who said she wanted to go out as friends had this response to a joke I made "Well since we can't go out I guess I have to cook you dinner at my place" And then said......"Oh my bad that's not a platonic activity". And she said......"Why isn't it? Since when is a woman and man spending a evening together a platonic activity? I have 3 platonic friends and never invited them to my apt .
Miss Spider Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) I think she means you’d just be having dinner as friends. Not something I would do, but maybe she’s lonely for (male) companionship. She did pay for meal to go out with her. Dunno why you are being suggestively flirty with someone who friend zoned you. I thought she made it clear she’s not interested in that Edited December 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
basil67 Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 I enjoy cooking and wouldn’t hesitate to cook for a male friend. Perhaps I don’t understand your question..... 3 1
Emilie Jolie Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, IntBrowser said: Since when is a woman and man spending a evening together a platonic activity? Since always! It's a nice thing to do with friends. In your particular circumstance, it's simply an alternative solution to the plans you had previously made that you now can't do, so you can continue getting to know each other, not an open invite to having sex. She now knows what's on your mind, though. Edited December 12, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 2 1
Miss Spider Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) I think she’s known all along. They started out as dating and she was the one who told him she just wanted to be friends. Apparently he agreed and is now still talking to her, but has still not given up on initial objective. She’s not interested like that. You two obviously have conflicting goals here Edited December 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 3
Emilie Jolie Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 Yeah, it looks like it's friendship or nothing. Sorry OP! 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 2 hours ago, IntBrowser said: "Well since we can't go out I guess I have to cook you dinner at my place" And then said......"Oh my bad that's not a platonic activity". And she said......"Why isn't it? It seems you were being a bit cheeky/flirty? Since you're implying sex will happen if she comes to your place, you may have to rethink this friendzone thing. If you want her as a friend, great,if not don't invite her over. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) They probably would still try. This is why I no longer ljbf and one on one have a dinner with dudes at their house. “Friends” suuuuure Edited December 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Fletch Lives Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 What are you talking about? I have dinner with lady friends all the time when single. If in a relationship, my girlfriend is there too. The only problem is if you pine over her and that stops you from dating others and finding a woman who likes you romantically. But if you can date other women, great! You can only have one lover but you can't have too many Friends! 2
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 The "Netflix and chill" assumptions have to be modified with covid and all altering the dating landscape this much. 1
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: They started out as dating and she was the one who told him she just wanted to be friends. Apparently he agreed and is now still talking to her, but has still not given up on initial objective. She’s not interested like that. You two obviously have conflicting goals here ^^^ this. 1 1
Blind-Sided Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 Are you a teenager? I have several female friends, and I've been to their houses for dinner, or whatever more times than I can count over the years I've known them. If you have the mentality that you have to fool around, just because you are at someone's house, opposed to being at a restaurant... then you have some growing up to do. Sorry to be blunt... but it's the way it is. 2 2
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 The let's be friends means I am not sexually attracted to you, or you are not bf material or I see no future with you, or you are not my type or you are just not what I am looking for... BUT you seem like a nice guy, so I can add you to my friends list. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, IntBrowser said: Since when is a woman and man spending a evening together a platonic activity? I have 3 platonic friends and never invited them to my apt . Spending time together has been platonic since the beginning of time. How you spend that time may change the dynamic -- e.g. kissing, making out or having sex -- but eating food together is not solely the province of romance even if it's in someone's home. This new business that an invite to someone's home is automatically an invite for sex is not universally true. Here given the context -- the lack of alternate venues due to Covid -- her home if the only option for you to dine together. However, since you find it so objectionable, do the lady in Q a favor & leave her alone. She doesn't need to deal with your dirty judgmental attitude. If she has already friend-zoned you the location is not going to suddenly render her DTF Edited December 12, 2020 by d0nnivain 1 1
Emilie Jolie Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: They probably would still try. This is why I no longer ljbf and one on one have a dinner with dudes at their house. “Friends” suuuuure I mean, not all men are sex-obsessed, to be fair, but that's when the friendship has been firmly established. The lady friend in the OP might be a little too trusty here - it would be a bit manipulative to take advantage of this, imo. Edited December 12, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
Mrin Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 Dude here. I have a close female friend. Very pretty. Single. I can't count the number of times one of us has gone to the other's for 1:1 dinner. Some of those nights have involved getting blindingly drunk until the cows come home and spending the night. Never once have either of us crossed the line and done anything even remotely romantic or flirty. It is only not platonic when one person doesn't have a platonic mindset. YMMV 3
poppyfields Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Mrin said: Dude here. I have a close female friend. Very pretty. Single. I can't count the number of times one of us has gone to the other's for 1:1 dinner. Some of those nights have involved getting blindingly drunk until the cows come home and spending the night. Never once have either of us crossed the line and done anything even remotely romantic or flirty. It is only not platonic when one person doesn't have a platonic mindset. Bolded, I agree Mrin. So, just out of curiosity, did you ever think about or want to cross that line? Sexually? Not even once in the darkest recesses of your mind? Even though you never would? Which begs the question, can men and women ever truly be "just" friends? Without one or the other (typically the man, sorry guys) at least thinking about crossing that line, even when knowing it's not possible? Especially when the woman "friend" is attractive and sexually appealing? I have known men and women who are simply friends but in every one of those cases, the man would like it to be more, at least sexually. But the woman only wants a friendship so he settles, never crossing that boundary. Over the years, I would have liked to have been "just friends" with a few men and each time they eventually let it be known they wanted to date me or have sex with me. I recall one man, a former co-worker. He was married but having problems and he would open up to me about it and we became friends, nothing inappropriate was ever said or done. He and his wife eventually divorced and wouldn't ya know, he divulged his feelings for me and it became REALLY awkward after that. I no longer felt comfortable with the friendship; he eventually left the company. So even though men and women can be friends, I often wonder if it's a genuine platonic friendship with neither one ever thinking about crossing the line, and if the opportunity arose for it to be more, he or she wouldn't jump on it. The OP's situation is a perfect example. HE wants more, she only wants friends, and he's settling. So what's the verdict OP, you gonna take her up on her offer for that friends-only dinner? Edited December 12, 2020 by poppyfields 1
central Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 6 hours ago, IntBrowser said: I was informed last night that my state has cancelled indoor dining until January. So the lady I met 3 weeks ago who said she wanted to go out as friends had this response to a joke I made "Well since we can't go out I guess I have to cook you dinner at my place" And then said......"Oh my bad that's not a platonic activity". And she said......"Why isn't it? Since when is a woman and man spending a evening together a platonic activity? I have 3 platonic friends and never invited them to my apt . I have a number of platonic female friends. I'm married, and my wife knows them well. One in particular and I share a particular interest in certain sci-fi genres that my wife does not. About once a week for several years we've gotten together at her place to watch a couple of episodes. Often we'll have dinner, usually share a bottle of wine, and in warm weather may dip in her pool and talk before watching and discussing the shows. We've never kissed or had sex - and yes, she's attractive. We agreed that we would not go there, and haven't. It's not difficult to maintain that essential distance. We treat each other like siblings. So to me, a platonic activity is anything that does not lead to romantic or sexual activity because you've set boundaries. 2
central Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: But, did you ever think about it or want to cross that line? Which begs the question, can men and women ever truly be "just" friends? Without one or the other (typically the man, sorry guys) at least thinking about crossing that line, even when knowing it's not possible? Especially when the woman "friend" is attractive and sexually appealing? Does it matter if you think about crossing the line, if you never do? Most of my female friends are very attractive. A couple I've even dated in the past (and had sex). Now we do not - we're honest to goodness platonic friends, and keep that boundary even when we've had too much to drink. All it takes is a little integrity and a little self-control. I value my marriage and my friendships, and don't want to mess up either, so I don't. So yes, men and women can truly be just friends, despite all the nonsense out there that says otherwise. I think that idea is due to many people NOT being trustworthy, and many others being insecure and try to control their partner rather than deal with that. So this can be evaluated based on your partner's integrity and past behavior, rather than applying a stupid "rule" to evenyone. Besides, some people can't be trusted, but preventing them from having such friendships won't prevent those people from finding a way to engage in inappropriate behavior with someone. Anyway, I have many platonic, attractive female friends. My wife has platonic, attractive male friends. We spend time with those friends, often alone. Yet somehow we've managed not to cross our boundaries and trust each other to keep it that way. If you or your spouse can't be trusted to do the same, then sure, police their friendships if you must. 1
poppyfields Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 12 minutes ago, central said: We agreed that we would not go there, and haven't. It's not difficult to maintain that essential distance. We treat each other like siblings. Ah, but do you think of her as only a sibling? You've discussed it and "agreed" you would never cross that boundary which would suggest you both at least thought about it, but decided against for obvious reasons. 1 1
central Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 Just now, poppyfields said: Ah, but do you think of her as only a sibling? You've discussed it and "agreed" you would never cross that boundary which would suggest you both at least thought about it, but decided against for obvious reasons. Sure, we've thought about it. It would be unnatural to not have thought about it. So what? It's actions (or here, the lack of) that count. If I see an especially sexually appealing woman at the grocery store, I don't do anything about that either. Should I not go shopping? Men and women often find someone attractive, but usually don't do anything about it because they aren't free to do so, have some integrity, and some self control. You make it sound like normal attraction can't be controlled, and is a bad thing. 1
poppyfields Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 1 minute ago, central said: Does it matter if you think about crossing the line, if you never do? Most of my female friends are very attractive. A couple I've even dated in the past (and had sex). Now we do not - we're honest to goodness platonic friends, and keep that boundary even when we've had too much to drink. All it takes is a little integrity and a little self-control. I value my marriage and my friendships, and don't want to mess up either, so I don't. So yes, men and women can truly be just friends, despite all the nonsense out there that says otherwise. I think that idea is due to many people NOT being trustworthy, and many others being insecure and try to control their partner rather than deal with that. So this can be evaluated based on your partner's integrity and past behavior, rather than applying a stupid "rule" to evenyone. Besides, some people can't be trusted, but preventing them from having such friendships won't prevent those people from finding a way to engage in inappropriate behavior with someone. Anyway, I have many platonic, attractive female friends. My wife has platonic, attractive male friends. We spend time with those friends, often alone. Yet somehow we've managed not to cross our boundaries and trust each other to keep it that way. If you or your spouse can't be trusted to do the same, then sure, police their friendships if you must. Oh I agree with having integrity, and respecting that crossing the boundary isn't possible for whatever reasons. I guess I just wonder if it's a true platonic friendship like say I have with my girlfriends where crossing the line would never even have to be discussed and agreed to. That's all. Cool you're able to! Like I said, I wouid have liked to have been friends with a few men over the years, but they eventually wanted more (sex or to date) so it just became awkward.
poppyfields Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, central said: Sure, we've thought about it. It would be unnatural to not have thought about it. So what? It's actions (or here, the lack of) that count. If I see an especially sexually appealing woman at the grocery store, I don't do anything about that either. Should I not go shopping? Men and women often find someone attractive, but usually don't do anything about it because they aren't free to do so, have some integrity, and some self control. You make it sound like normal attraction can't be controlled, and is a bad thing. I'm not accusing or judging you central, just asking, because I wonder about it sometimes. Not sure where you got I believe normal attraction cannot be controlled or a bad thing, again I am only simply asking the question. Once again, I think it's cool you are able to! I admire your integrity and respect for your marriage. Edited December 12, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Mrin Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 18 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Bolded, I agree Mrin. So, just out of curiosity, did you ever think about or want to cross that line? Sexually? Not even once in the darkest recesses of your mind? Even though you never would? Mmmmm ya. Early on. I suppose we both did actually. Only idle speculation as we were both in other relationships and I'm hella faithful. For me it was on of those, " wow she's totally different than most women I know" type things. For her, it was probably more because I'm sort of a unicorn in these parts - driven, professional, responsible, highly educated, grown ass, etc. I don't mean that in a conceited I'm so great sort of way - dudes like me are a dime a dozen in a city but in a small mountain town populated by Peter Pan ski and paddle bums I'm a rare comidity. Ha! So I got that going for me, which is nice. But I digress. So ya, aside from that idle speculation in the beginning she's become like a sister to me and me her brother. We actually refer to each other as our twin - which confuses the hell out of everyone because I am a bearded somewhat jacked white dude and she's a tiny Korean woman who could fit into a duffel bag and fly carry on. Ha! So as I reflect on this and to help move the conversation forward - it is all about getting past that initial "what if" and both adopting the platonic mindset. Does does that make sense? 1
poppyfields Posted December 12, 2020 Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Mrin said: So as I reflect on this and to help move the conversation forward - it is all about getting past that initial "what if" and both adopting the platonic mindset. Does does that make sense? Yes, thanks. So back to the OP's situation, IntBrowser, what have you decided to do? Can you respect that she only wants a friendship and maintain a platonic-only mindset? Edited December 12, 2020 by poppyfields
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