2 internet dates flaked

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, mortensorchid said:

The first who decided to work instead was/is 49, the second is 51.  

I'm shocked... I really can't understand mature men acting this way.

I had thought they were much younger (than you) and were just immature, but I was incorrect.

 

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

The first who decided to work instead was/is 49, the second is 51.  

By that age, most men prioritize themselves over everyone else. Hard to get men like that to be empathetic towards others. 

7 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

To answer some questions here - there have been instances when I have been in chat with a younger man but I have also been in contact with those my age or older.  They are just not interested enough.  I don't think it's me in particular, this is how they must treat others around them in general.  It's disappointing no matter what.  Others who criticize here must have had nothing but positive experiences with others, you have never known one day of unhappiness or disappointment.  Because it is disappointing to have someone do this.

I’m not critiquing you at all. I’ve had some horrible OLD experiences myself. I just stopped using OLD because I realized its not the right platform for me to use, to meet single men to date. I hate the idea of paying some “website” to connect me to fake profiles of men, profiles of men who intentionally misrepresent themselves (facts about their appearance, their work and social lives, their health, etc.). And the general attitude people have towards OLD is that people are “products” and therefore, justify acting like asshats with the one-and-done date, or the ghosters who don’t even show up to the date, or the pressure that you have 30 seconds to impress your date to give you a second date. I just hate the entire OLD platform so I stopped. 

If OLD isn’t working out for you, maybe you need to stop using it and try to meet guys through mutual groups like through Meetups. Of course when COVID restrictions to socialize are lifted. 

[FMW]

OLD sounds like a nightmare.  I'm glad I live in a large City that has plenty of opportunities to meet people in person (during non-COVID times of course).  A few of my friends tried it, but their only relationships that have lasted any amount of time have been people they meet in person.  

[Miss Spider]

It’s like everyone that you have talked to though, mort. We’re just trying to help here. There should not be a reason why you are encountering this much trouble. We’re just trying to help get to the bottom of it. 

[mortensorchid]

I decided not to use Hinge anymore because of the luck I've had with them.  Moving on.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I decided not to use Hinge anymore because of the luck I've had with them.  Moving on.

I don't think it's Hinge.  Same men on Hinge as on other apps, some good, some not so good.  I think it will be the same no matter what app you're on. 

Mort, I don't mean to criticize and mean no disrespect but I agree with shortskirts, WC and some others, something is amiss with how you interact with these men.  

I sense a disconnect of sorts, a detachment, even with how you respond and relate to the posters here trying to help you, that's the vibe I get.  I'm sorry.  

And if I'm getting that vibe, could it be possible the men you talk to are getting that same vibe as well?  

I dunno, something to consider?  You are an attractive, youthful-looking woman in early 40s, men should be lining up wanting to meet you!  I get there are flakes, but every guy?  

Anyway, good luck with the new apps.  

 

Edited December 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, poppy seems on track with the disconnect part. Like a lot of people who struggle with dating here, I kind of see why with the tone of your posts. . I hope you do not take this the wrong way. Your posts come off kind of frigid and  unenthused, almost like you’re burnt out on dating. You usually don’t address important questions brought up in your threads. You refer to guys that you are interested in as “betas“ and women they’re interested in as “trashy” which implies some bitterness. The few times that you have posted  chat dialogue from dating apps, the conversations between you two seem boring and blah, like you wished you could be doing anything else but chatting with the guy, but you want a date. Anyway, again, I am not trying to tear into you. Just trying to explain something I’ve observed so that maybe with some introspection you can figure out why you might not be attracting the people that you want to be. Attitude has a lot to do with dating. Please keep in mind that people like to date people that make them feel good. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Alvi]

To be fair, I don't think this is OP's fault. I've been on the dating sites for two years. Let's just say online dating is brutal. My experiences are pretty similar to what she is describing. It's like she is talking about myself. When I was in my 20th and 30th, I had zero problem finding guys for relationships. As soon as I turned 40, that is it. It's like I am totally invisibly to men. I am not a bad looking according to my friends and in a good shape. I have a good job and a house. My pics are current. But I feel like that men don't want to date older woman. That is it for a woman after 40. Too many younger choices for men. A lot of conversations go nowhere, now can one make them more interesting if you don't feel like a guy putting any energy into them? They don't ask you any question and give you one word answer. I feel like 99% of men online are just passing their time, not looking for anything serious.  Or married, or looking for a  hookup. Definitely not for long term. Or guys are looking for someone to whine about how they cannot find any women to date. In those rare cases that conversation is interesting and a guy asks you out, he doesn't always comes with a plan to actually make it happen. All I get is "Wanna meet sometimes, wanna go for a coffee?" lol. How many times did a guy cancelled a date on me the very last minute? Countless times. Probably more than 30 guys cancelled on me during the last two years. What am I doing wrong? No clue to be honest. They come up with the lamest excuses to weasel out of the date. They tell me that I am great, beautiful, wonderful in our conversation, tell me that they cannot wait to meet me and then poof, no date, just like that. Or if you actually go on a date, you feel that the guy is not that interested in you. How can you feel connected to a date if you feel that he is disconnected? Or the date went fine and you never hear from the guy again. Last guy I went on a date with though that I would dress sexier for our date. Of course, never heard from him again. Whatever, lol. Don't think that OP is going anything wrong. Just the reality of being older and on a dating site where many other choices are easily available. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Alvi

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

To be fair, I don't think this is OP's fault. I've been on the dating sites for two years. Let's just say online dating is brutal. My experiences are pretty similar to what she is describing. It's like she is talking about myself. When I was in my 20th and 30th, I had zero problem finding guys for relationships. As soon as I turned 40, that is it. It's like I am totally invisibly to men. I am not a bad looking according to my friends and in a good shape. I have a good job and a house. My pics are current. But I feel like that men don't want to date older woman. That is it for a woman after 40. Too many younger choices for men. A lot of conversations go nowhere, now can one make them more interesting if you don't feel like a guy putting any energy into them? They don't ask you any question and give you one word answer. I feel like 99% of men online are just passing their time, not looking for anything serious.  Or married, or looking for a  hookup. Definitely not for long term. Or guys are looking for someone to whine about how they cannot find any women to date. In those rare cases that conversation is interesting and a guy asks you out, he doesn't always comes with a plan to actually make it happen. All I get is "Wanna meet sometimes, wanna go for a coffee?" lol. How many times did a guy cancelled a date on me the very last minute? Countless times. Probably more than 30 guys cancelled on me during the last two years. What am I doing wrong? No clue to be honest. They come up with the lamest excuses to weasel out of the date. They tell me that I am great, beautiful, wonderful in our conversation, tell me that they cannot wait to meet me and then poof, no date, just like that. Or if you actually go on a date, you feel that the guy is not that interested in you. Or the date went fine and you never hear from the guy again. Last guy I went on a date with though that I would dress sexier for your date. Of course, never heard from him again. Whatever, lol. Don't think that OP is going anything wrong. Just the reality of being older and on a dating site where many other choices are easily available. 

Sorry about your experience, Alvi. Perhaps you’re right, but  then how do you explain the multitude  women on here over 40 that have no problems with getting online dates  

[Alvi]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sorry about your experience, Alvi. Perhaps you’re right, but  then how do you explain the multitude  women on here over 40 that have no problems with getting online dates  

That I don't know. I am asking myself this question over and over again. Perhaps they are just lucky to find the right guy. Or he just finds her. Or perhaps they screen and filter better. But I do filter too. I am more on a shy side, not very outgoing. That might have something to do with that. Friends told me that I can come cold and aloof at times so that's probably not helping things either. Can't explain it but it's like when I trued 40, men don't see me at all. My former co-worker, who is in her 50th, found a husband on the internet. But he was the one who found her online, texted and phoned her, didn't cancel a date, pursued her  after their date and showed the interest. She was unsure about him at first but eventually gave in.

 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sorry about your experience, Alvi. Perhaps you’re right, but  then how do you explain the multitude  women on here over 40 that have no problems with getting online dates  

Good point.  I am just a tad younger than mort and couldn't count all the men wanting to meet.  Not saying that as a brag, it's common for most women on dating apps.  

I only ended up meeting two, and the second man is my fiance, getting married next year.  

I don't understand the 40+ issue.  What does that mean, a 39 year old attractive youthful looking woman gets 200 hits but once she turns 40, suddenly she's invisible?  

shortskirts, that was excellent advice in your previous post.  Introspect, look within.  

There is a disconnect, somewhere.  If you continue to blame the men, deeming them all whatever (nothing good) nothing will ever change, except you will be getting older and more jaded with every passing year.  

JMO

Edited December 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Shining One]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't understand the 40+ issue.  What does that mean, a 39 year old attractive youthful looking woman gets 200 hits but once she turns 40, suddenly she's invisible?

While certainly not invisible, I would say a 40+ woman is less visible on OLD than a 39-year-old due to age filters. Ages ending in 9 are a common cutoff point. If a man is only viewing profiles within a certain age range, he won't see how attractive and youthful the 40+ women are.

[Alvi]

4 minutes ago, Shining One said:

While certainly not invisible, I would say a 40+ woman is less visible on OLD than a 39-year-old due to age filters. Ages ending in 9 are a common cutoff point. If a man is only viewing profiles within a certain age range, he won't see how attractive and youthful the 40+ women are.

That makes sense. 

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, Alvi said:

That I don't know. I am asking myself this question over and over again. Perhaps they are just lucky to find the right guy. Or he just finds her. Or perhaps they screen and filter better. But I do filter too. I am more on a shy side, not very outgoing. That might have something to do with that. Friends told me that I can come cold and aloof at times so that's probably not helping things either. Can't explain it but it's like when I trued 40, men don't see me at all. My former co-worker, who is in her 50th, found a husband on the internet. But he was the one who found her online, texted and phoned her, didn't cancel a date, pursued her  after their date and showed the interest. She was unsure about him at first but eventually gave in.

 

 

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Good point.  I am just a tad younger than mort and couldn't count all the men wanting to meet.  Not saying that as a brag, it's common for most women on dating apps.  

I only ended up meeting two, and the second man is my fiance, getting married next year.  

I don't understand the 40+ issue, what does that mean, a 39 year old attractive youthful looking woman gets 200 hits but once she turns 40, suddenly she's invisible?  

shortskirts, that was excellent advice in your previous post.  Introspect, look within.  

There is a disconnect, somewhere.  If you continue to blame the men, deeming them all whatever (nothing good) nothing will ever change, except you will be getting older and more jaded with every passing year.  

JMO

Yes, I was thinking what shining one said The only reason why I think a person that is 40 would get significantly less attention than someone 39 on online dating apps has to do with search parameters. That’s why you see any inordinate amount of people on there who are at an age ending in 9 lol. 

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Shining One said:

While certainly not invisible, I would say a 40+ woman is less visible on OLD than a 39-year-old due to age filters. Ages ending in 9 are a common cutoff point. If a man is only viewing profiles within a certain age range, he won't see how attractive and youthful the 40+ women are.

Fair point BUT, mort does get hit up, often.  But after chatting/interacting with her, often even agreeing to meet, they flake. 

This would suggest it's not her age that's the issue, but how she is interacting with them.   Like I said, I get there are flakes, but every guy she chats/interacts with? 

Anyway, shortskirts wrote an insightful post a little bit ago, I think it was spot on.  

Edited December 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I think shining was referring to Alvi’s problem. I agree with you that  mort has a different issue. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

In those rare cases that conversation is interesting and a guy asks you out, he doesn't always comes with a plan to actually make it happen. All I get is "Wanna meet sometimes, wanna go for a coffee?" lol. 

See, I think this a more general complaint about online dating I see around here. A lot of ladies find these kinds of casual date suggestions unappealing. This wouldn’t bother me at all. I am in my 20s. I guess a lot of guys are just with going the path of least resistance lol 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think shining was referring to Alvi’s problem. I agree with you that  mort has a different issue. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

See, I think this a more general complaint about online dating I see around here. A lot of ladies find these kinds of casual date suggestions unappealing. This wouldn’t bother me at all. I am in my 20s. I guess people a lot of guys are just with going the path of least resistance lol 

>>Wanna meet sometimes, wanna go for a coffee?"

I was in my late 30s at the time, and did not have any issue with this either.  Except for maybe a man in his 40s using the word "wanna"  but I'm a stickler for good grammar.  lol

But the content, no.  It's a casual first meet.  "Would you like to meet?" is what my fiance asked me.  I get chills now thinking back on that.

Edited December 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Wat up yea I wanna meet 4 coffee

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Wat up yea I wanna meet 4 coffee

Lol, my BFF and I often start off texts or calls with "whatup" or "whhhaaatttupppp." I'm being serious, it's hilarious.

When dating, I've had guys text me "Whatup!" as well, I thought it was funny!  Assuming I liked them of course. My fiance is a bit more refined than I.

I dunno (see there I go, I'm not much better lol), no matter what our ages, it's good to be chill, gotta laugh with it! 

 

Edited December 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[LivingWaterPlease]

mortensorchid. not that it matters but for a long time I've thought you were mortenschild. Just now noticed you're a flower, not a child!

I'm 70. I stopped online dating in my 50's because I was getting jaded and was rejecting people based on whim. I began to value the people the profiles represented less and less and I didn't like that about myself.

That said I had no problems getting very good interested men at that age. Men who are interesting are looking for women who are interesting. And someone else (shortskirts, I think) mentioned that people like to be with those who show interest in them. I'll go a step further. IMO men and women alike are attracted to folks who are warm and vivacious.

If you are playing it cool, or trying not to show emotions that could get some guys to back off.

Just go out on a date and enjoy him as if he were the last man on earth! Listen to him, laugh at his jokes, enjoy him! People know if they're being enjoyed or not. Try to forget about yourself and making a good impression on him. Just try to make him feel great about being a human being! Doesn't mean every one of them will fall in love with you. But, it does mean you'll be a good date and also you'll enjoy yourself more, too!

 

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The pitfalls and brutality of OLD is no one's fault.

However the only way to deal with that and to minimize burnout is to have a good strategy.

[Trail Blazer]

On 12/12/2020 at 5:01 AM, ccas93 said:

at least they both told you. I had a girl once arrange a date on a saturday night with me. she stopped responding saturday afternoon and didn't communicate to me that we were off. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she just got busy, so I didn't make plans with other people to do anything else that night when I could have. Biggest waste of a weekend night ever, when I realized she was actually ignoring me and flaking, I sent her a message telling her what poor etiquette it was to do it like that, and she immediately unmatched me. 

I had one girl not turn up at all after I'd organized a dinner-date.  That was the first and last dinner-date I'd ever organize for a first date.  Hey, at least my date was cheaper than expected; I only paid for one meal... my own! 

[Trail Blazer]

Sorry to hear that your bad run with guys is continuing on, OP. 

Can you put your finger on why, at all?  Can you pin-point a time when things have seemingly deteriorated in chat prior to them flaking?

I'm just wondering if there's any patterns you can discern.  When things continually fail in life, we need to conduct a root-cause analysis for why this keeps happening.

Try and find any patterns in behavior with these guys and think back to what you may have been discussing to see if any thing you've said or done correlates with their engagement deteriorating.

I'm not saying that it's all your fault, necessarily.  However, I am advocating that you take a sense of responsibility for your own success and perhaps don't default to an attitude where it's always the guy's fault.