Sassydiva Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 I have a close friend for a little over 2 years. We usually hang at his place, drink, and either one of us cooks (usually me) or we order out. I sleep over but no sex. He has brought me around his family during holidays, so tries to make it seem like I’m part of the family. He’s been acting shady lately, distant, and giving lousy excuses. We had plans and he made it seem like he didn’t want to have anyone over so I said let’s just do it another time. He is always going out with friends to bars/restaurants, and a few times it was public events. He will post a pic on IG saying if anyone is in the area, to pass through. He knows I’m 30 min away..so I can’t pass through that quickly. I have expressed on many occasions that I would love to be invited, and he’s always saying it’s spontaneous. I don’t believe that, I believe he wants me over when he doesn’t have anything better to do. He has said we will go here or there but it never happens. Last time we went out to eat, was in June. He’s always going out with his boys to eat, never me. He has so many food places there, but not once does he say let’s get something to eat. I know we’re not dating, so if he doesn’t want to pay for the whole meal I’ll pay my portion, that’s fine. All my friends like to go out to eat and do fun things together, never do they turn me down to go out to eat unless they are struggling financially or something. Then he recently sends me pictures of his food while he was out to eat. I told him I want to go there again when we get together. He says “No doubt” might as well have said to F off. Then he sends me a text of his empty plate. I really don’t understand this. I have been kind to him and his family, bent over backwards for him and I get crapped on!
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 It's unclear if you are dating or not. What's up with the sexless sleepovers? No one can "use" you. He's not your BF and you're not his GF. This seemed like a mutually agreeable situationship, but sooner or later one of you will want to make time for a real relationship. Walk away. Find a guy you can have a real relationship with. 1
Author Sassydiva Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: It's unclear if you are dating or not. What's up with the sexless sleepovers? No one can "use" you. He's not your BF and you're not his GF. This seemed like a mutually agreeable situationship, but sooner or later one of you will want to make time for a real relationship. Walk away. Find a guy you can have a real relationship with. Ok so we’re not dating, however, even close platonic friends do things together as friends (dinner, etc) me and my female friends would go to dinner, drinks, etc. All he wants is to “chill” at his place and when I bring up going out to eat he says “we will” or has some money excuse, meanwhile, he always has money to hang with his boys. It’s bull. I set the tone and now he thinks all we have to do is just chill at his house. Real friends do things together. At least some of the time. I’m fine with walking away. Spend time with real friends who enjoy my company and men who can properly date.
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 Go out with your other friends and don't "chill" at his house. He doesn't want to keep doing this, so just move on. He is trying to discourage the habit of going out as a pseudo couple. 2
TheEternalPessimist Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 DON'T bend over backwards for him anymore, he is clearly using you for emotional validation and such. I've had friends of the opposite sex do this to me over the years, it baffles me to this day. Is your friend single? Because if he is then as soon as he gets a girlfriend you can pretty much kiss your friendship goodbye. Again, I'm speaking from experience here. 2 1
Author Sassydiva Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said: DON'T bend over backwards for him anymore, he is clearly using you for emotional validation and such. I've had friends of the opposite sex do this to me over the years, it baffles me to this day. Is your friend single? Because if he is then as soon as he gets a girlfriend you can pretty much kiss your friendship goodbye. Again, I'm speaking from experience here. Yes he’s single. He will at times actually want to do things tiger her but it’s always spontaneous never planned. No point in wasting time. He can say we’re close friends all he wants, it’s BS in my book. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 20 minutes ago, Sassydiva said: He will at times actually want to do things tiger That sounds like fun. However stop hanging out if this is just annoying you. 2
TheEternalPessimist Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Sassydiva said: Yes he’s single. He will at times actually want to do things tiger her but it’s always spontaneous never planned. No point in wasting time. He can say we’re close friends all he wants, it’s BS in my book. Of course it's BS, close friends do not behave in such a way. Friendship has to be a two-way street always or at least as often as possible. It baffles me that he says you are close friends yets uses you like this and goes out of his way to try and piss you off.
Author Sassydiva Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: That sounds like fun. However stop hanging out if this is just annoying you. *together it’s only annoying me because he does not treat me with the same value he does his other friends. And the big plot twist, is how he actually says we’re like family but family does things together. Just because he invites me to his family for holidays, like I feel so privileged, yet he will ditch me in a heartbeat for his “boys” idk but according my standards I go out with fam, and I sure as hell don’t ditch them! 1
stillafool Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 (edited) He doesn't want to hang out with a girl but the guys so he can chase girls. If he hangs out with you other girls will think he has a gf. He doesn't want that. He doesn't mind taking you around family because they know you are just his friend. I agree you need to find girl friends to hang with because young men like to chase women. Edited December 11, 2020 by stillafool
Author Sassydiva Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: He doesn't want to hang out with a girl but the guys so he can chase girls. If he hangs out with you other girls will think he has a gf. He doesn't want that. He doesn't mind taking you around family because they know you are just his friend. I agree you need to find girl friends to hang with because young men like to chase women. He’s 46 my goodness you would think he’s 21 the way he acts
stillafool Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 Well maybe he's one of those guys that going to be an eternal bachelor. To each his own.
TheEternalPessimist Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 At his age, most people are married with kids or in a relationship with kids. He's behaving like some of my friends did when we were all in our early 20s.
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, "Nobody can use you without your consent." If this isn't working for you, stop hanging out with him. If you do want to spend time with him, learn to compartmentalize. When you are together be in the moment. When you are apart it needs to be out of sight, out of mind. He's not going to make the effort to include you. The best you are gonna get is when he posts one of those drop by things, you can haul your tail 30 minutes over there (I wouldn't). 2
Author Sassydiva Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 25 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said: At his age, most people are married with kids or in a relationship with kids. He's behaving like some of my friends did when we were all in our early 20s. Yes exactly. The reason I think I feel a big disconnect with him is because he’s not emotionally mature at all. Even my closest friends, I wouldn’t want acting like this. Come on now
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 Did you ever stop to think that going out to eat with you would feel too much like a date for him & he doesn't want to cross that boundary? If you are so all fired up to dine in a particular restaurant, go there with somebody else. 1
stillafool Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 27 minutes ago, Sassydiva said: Yes exactly. The reason I think I feel a big disconnect with him is because he’s not emotionally mature at all. Even my closest friends, I wouldn’t want acting like this. Come on now He's a grown man. If he's just a friend and you feel a big disconnect and also that he's emotionally immature why even care if he wants to hang out with you? 1
MsJayne Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 Maybe he's gay and you're his decoy in front of his family. That would explain why you're not invited when other friends are around and also why he's never hit on you when you've slept over. 2
Acacia98 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 5 hours ago, stillafool said: He's a grown man. If he's just a friend and you feel a big disconnect and also that he's emotionally immature why even care if he wants to hang out with you? My thoughts too. @OP, adjust your expectations so that they fit the reality of your friendship more closely. Alternatively, end the friendship. 1
JTSW Posted December 13, 2020 Posted December 13, 2020 (edited) Do you sleep in his bed with him when you sleep over? What about your child? Where is he/she when your sleeping over? You sound like a gf complaining that her bf never takes her out. Its also obvious you would like to be his gf. You've posted about this guy before. He's single, living his life the way he wants to. He's immature but also knows you're a mother with a child to take care of. Just forget about this guy. He's not necessarily doing anything wrong but he's also not a decent friend. Edited December 13, 2020 by JTSW
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