Break up after 4 years. can someone support my situation!

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Sorry you are going through this. You have received a lot of good advice. I’ll just add that when my marriage ended, my husband said “I want a new life.” Your now ex-girlfriend now also wants a new life.

As ShyViolet states this does not mean you didn’t have a great relationship while it lasted, just as my 11 years (5 married) wasn’t a wash or waste of time. I certainly wish we could have made it work but I for one would never want someone to stay with me out of obligation vs. a true desire and joy to be part of the relationship.

The pain of breakups is real but you will get through it and feel better. Embrace the new life you can now create!

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[datingnoob1234]

4 hours ago, DavidBrews said:

Hello datingnoob1234,

I'm deeply sorry for what happened between you both but i can refer you to someone who guided at times like this, she made me realize that all we've being is fact about reality, i can contact her for you if you want.

Please do! It would be really helpful

[datingnoob1234]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Listen, I'm going to be blunt here.  This is not an issue of her being "stubborn."  She has ended the relationship.  She made her decision.  You are in denial.  Sooner or later you will have no choice but to accept this reality.  The relationship is over.  You need to accept that.  

It really irks me when people say things like "we had a relationship of four years, how can we just throw that all away now?"  Just because a relationship was four years long, that has absolutely nothing to do with whether it should continue now.  Length of time is not in itself a reason why a relationship needs to continue.  Ending it is not "throwing it away."  You can end a relationship and still appreciate the time you spent with the person, and not regret that time, but still know that the two of you are no longer compatible and need to go your separate ways.

Hi ShyViolet,

Again thank you for being honest and real here.

My only issue is.. across all the advice. What if you want to TRY and FIX something. In reality, she won't reach back out to me again, after she ended the relationship? Correct. 

So what are my real options, i'd rather try and know i tried. If you get me!

Best wishes

[datingnoob1234]

17 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So what if she sees you buying a house? What does that have to do with whether or not you and your ex were going to fit?

Again, this is just brain lag talking. Your brain still assumes what she think matters--matters a lot. That's because in relationship we can become very dependent on the other person's approval and affections---and I don't mean this in a toxic way. So when we break up with them, we still have this habit of calling them, this habit of hearing their voice and wanting to hear their voice and all of that. This will pass.

Who cares if she thinks you've moved on? If she's the right person for you, she would confirm this and not base it on a distant impression. 

I hear what you're saying, once again thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm in a desperate position right now so it feels, i want to try and fix this. I'd rather know i've tried after a 2-3 month silence, then know i didn't do anything and between us we were just not opening up.

Also being realistic, would she really reach back out to me after blocking me in the first place? I don't think she would - hence why i wanted to maybe try!

Anymore advice? There's just something in my gutt in this scenario. 

[datingnoob1234]

9 hours ago, ajequals said:

Unfortunately   you have made her   "the One". thinking there is no one else out there for you. Most men usually do, including myself recently. All you can do is Work on yourself. Be the best you can be. Work on making your life better and end any attempt of contact. You can't make someone want you. All you can do is find someone that does. She might be back one day But you probably wouldn't want her then. You know now what Not to look for in a partner . 

Hey ajequals, 

I'm trying to do exactly that now. Working on myself and my career. But naturally my mind is obsessing on her and everything we had. Do i just wait for her to 'maybe' re-reach back out? I just don't think she would do that - i can tell she is stubborn. But i do want a future with her and everything that comes with it - she was my first love and i do truly love her. 

She blocked me on all socials, so my only option really is a letter? 

[flitzanu]

50 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hi ShyViolet,

Again thank you for being honest and real here.

My only issue is.. across all the advice. What if you want to TRY and FIX something. In reality, she won't reach back out to me again, after she ended the relationship? Correct. 

So what are my real options, i'd rather try and know i tried. If you get me!

Best wishes

we are trying to explain that there is no "best option" here.  she made her choice to leave you.  everything you do, every attempt you make from now forward is going to make things worse, and she will lose respect until the point of resenting you.

 

your "best option" is to block her, cut all ties, stop looking at social media, and pretend she doesn't exist, and that's going to be impossibly hard, but it will one day be easier.

 

she fired you from your job as boyfriend.  if you get fired from your employer, do you call them crying every day and harass them on how to fix it and beg them to come back?

[ShyViolet]

45 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hey ajequals, 

I'm trying to do exactly that now. Working on myself and my career. But naturally my mind is obsessing on her and everything we had. Do i just wait for her to 'maybe' re-reach back out? I just don't think she would do that - i can tell she is stubborn. But i do want a future with her and everything that comes with it - she was my first love and i do truly love her. 

She blocked me on all socials, so my only option really is a letter? 

You don't seem to be getting it.  The relationship is over, that is reality.  Face reality.  You have an obsession.  You admitted that.  Maybe you need professional help to deal with this.  Consider contacting a therapist.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

She blocked me on all socials, so my only option really is a letter? 

Ok, lay back and take this tie to sort out and reflect. No letters, circumventing blocks is a no no, regardless of what those 'get your ex back" sites say.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hi ShyViolet,

Again thank you for being honest and real here.

My only issue is.. across all the advice. What if you want to TRY and FIX something. In reality, she won't reach back out to me again, after she ended the relationship? Correct. 

So what are my real options, i'd rather try and know i tried. If you get me!

Best wishes

datingnoob1234, you already tried fixing things. And she didn't want that. That's why she blocked you. If you want to show her you respect her, you should respect her boundaries. She shut the door in your face. The proper response after knocking and knocking and getting no answer is turning around and walking away. It's not jumping into the house through the window. It's not breaking the door down to reach her.

Assuming that she's not making the right decision will come across as very condescending. It will basically tell her you think she's stupid and needs you to tell her what she thinks and feels. I can assure you that's the message you'll convey to her if you insist on reaching out to her yet again. It'll just make things worse.

Your real option is to assume she's a capable woman who will unblock you and reach out to you if she wants to.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

 She blocked me on all socials, so my only option really is a letter? 

If you're still blocked everywhere, it is safe to assume she won't welcome a letter from you. 

Much as it hurts, you have to respect her decision - even if you don't agree with it. Continuing to try to reach out and change her mind really only sends the message that you're not listening to her. 

When someone has decided they no longer want to be part of a relationship, it is absolutely their prerogative to go. She didn't want to try to fix things, which is the most important thing you have yet to accept. 

[datingnoob1234]

14 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

datingnoob1234, you already tried fixing things. And she didn't want that. That's why she blocked you. If you want to show her you respect her, you should respect her boundaries. She shut the door in your face. The proper response after knocking and knocking and getting no answer is turning around and walking away. It's not jumping into the house through the window. It's not breaking the door down to reach her.

Assuming that she's not making the right decision will come across as very condescending. It will basically tell her you think she's stupid and needs you to tell her what she thinks and feels. I can assure you that's the message you'll convey to her if you insist on reaching out to her yet again. It'll just make things worse.

Your real option is to assume she's a capable woman who will unblock you and reach out to you if she wants to.

Hey Acacia98,

I hear this and once again i am really appreciative.

 
My point is more the fact it's been 2.5 months now of absolutely no contact what so ever.. within that time i purchased a house? Who knows what she is thinking! Maybe she think's im done with her? At the moment it's all guessing games, without being over the top here. 

What is the harm if i was to try reach out, with the attempt of a coffee meet in the new year? 

What else do i have to lose?! 

[datingnoob1234]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you're still blocked everywhere, it is safe to assume she won't welcome a letter from you. 

Much as it hurts, you have to respect her decision - even if you don't agree with it. Continuing to try to reach out and change her mind really only sends the message that you're not listening to her. 

When someone has decided they no longer want to be part of a relationship, it is absolutely their prerogative to go. She didn't want to try to fix things, which is the most important thing you have yet to accept. 

Hey ExpatInItaly, 

Thanks for your POV and advice here. 

As i've already replied below.. we haven't had contact for 2.5 months and within that time i purchased a house.

It's currently a mental guessing game, she might think i've moved on - but i'm far from that in all honesty.

I would rather 'try' after this no-contact period, than just give up.

Sorry to bore you all. :(

 

[Miss Spider]

31 minutes ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hey Acacia98,

I hear this and once again i am really appreciative.

 
My point is more the fact it's been 2.5 months now of absolutely no contact what so ever.. within that time i purchased a house? Who knows what she is thinking! Maybe she think's im done with her? At the moment it's all guessing games, without being over the top here. 

What is the harm if i was to try reach out, with the attempt of a coffee meet in the new year? 

What else do i have to lose?! 

Stop she  blocked you. She does not want communication with you. Please respect her wishes. You’re not making yourself look good by doing that 

[Wiseman2]

Did you purchase the house for yourself as a financial/personal decision or to comply with her demands in hopes of getting her back?

Either way, it's better to have the deed/mortgage solely in your name.

Even if you get back together, at least it won't be a financial and logistical nightmare of coowning a place with someone you never lived with and are not married to.

She blocked you everywhere. Are you hoping she finds out you purchased a house?

[datingnoob1234]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you purchase the house for yourself as a financial/personal decision or to comply with her demands in hopes of getting her back?

Either way, it's better to have the deed/mortgage solely in your name.

Even if you get back together, at least it won't be a financial and logistical nightmare of coowning a place with someone you never lived with and are not married to.

She blocked you everywhere. Are you hoping she finds out you purchased a house?

I brought it as an investment, maybe secretly i hoped it could change things.

She has me blocked everywhere, but she defintley has seen that i brought a house (from close friends feeds / accounts).

This will either push her onto move on? Or alternatively contact me. But she hasn't contacted me, maybe she thinks i'm done with her!

 

[datingnoob1234]

 

21 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Stop she  blocked you. She does not want communication with you. Please respect her wishes. You’re not making yourself look good by doing that 

She blocked me everywhere because at the time i wouldn't accept what she was saying. 

Since that time point, it's been nearly 3 months with zero contact. 

I'm still blocked, but what's the harm in checking in? 

[datingnoob1234]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you're still blocked everywhere, it is safe to assume she won't welcome a letter from you. 

Much as it hurts, you have to respect her decision - even if you don't agree with it. Continuing to try to reach out and change her mind really only sends the message that you're not listening to her. 

When someone has decided they no longer want to be part of a relationship, it is absolutely their prerogative to go. She didn't want to try to fix things, which is the most important thing you have yet to accept. 

Hey!

Thanks for your help here.

As i've said similar in a few replies, i was blocked because i wouldn't accept what she was saying and she couldn't handle dealing with an upset/unstable version of myself.

If you've seen my story above, that explains why i was so hurt in the first place.

I don't see her reaching back out, especially after probably seeing that a purchased a house. Again it's sort of like mind games here, i'm in my own head - as i don't know how or what she feels!

Do i send her an email? A letter.. around this time at christmas, maybe she's thinking about me? 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/10/2020 at 10:10 AM, datingnoob1234 said:

a future for us anymore. We both are on separte paths in life and want different things?

But i still couldn't understand this. I tried everything, writing letters, seeing her, texting her and literally EVERYTHING. A month after my mum was 

Well, she's the one who ended it, you've already tried everything and she's blocked you so it's hard to understand why you believe she's simply not aware that you want to reconcile.

If she's aware you bought a house and isn't unblocking/contacting you, you may have to consider that she just wanted to end things either way.

The harm in more letters? Restraining orders against you. Evidence of stalking (google the laws on what it constitutes) she can bring to the local police.

You need to address your recent losses and grief and stressful issues with your family. Take care.

[datingnoob1234]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, she's the one who ended it, you've already tried everything and she's blocked you so it's hard to understand why you believe she's simply not aware that you want to reconcile.

If she's aware you bought a house and isn't unblocking/contacting you, you may have to consider that she just wanted to end things either way.

The harm in more letters? Restraining orders against you. Evidence of stalking (google the laws on what it constitutes) she can bring to the local police.

You need to address your recent losses and grief and stressful issues with your family. Take care.

Thanks Wiseman2,

I don't think it will get to that stage, i haven't spoken to the girl for 3 months  

Look after yourself too, thanks for your help!

[ShyViolet]

You need to respect the boundaries that she has put up. She is done with you. She's made it clear that she does NOT want to have contact with you.  If she has you blocked everywhere, and you send her letters or insist on still trying to contact her, that is stalking.  Do you understand that?  Is that really the place you want to take this?

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

Hey Acacia98,

I hear this and once again i am really appreciative.

 
My point is more the fact it's been 2.5 months now of absolutely no contact what so ever.. within that time i purchased a house? Who knows what she is thinking! Maybe she think's im done with her? At the moment it's all guessing games, without being over the top here. 

What is the harm if i was to try reach out, with the attempt of a coffee meet in the new year? 

What else do i have to lose?! 

2.5 months is nothing, my friend. You haven't even had time to take stock of things. After one year maybe you'll be in a better position to re-establish contact with her.

You're still blocked everywhere. She's not tried calling you. She's not sent a friend or relative to talk to you on her behalf. Her actions communicate that she is done with you. So there's really no point speculating about what she's thinking. No need for guessing games at all.

What you have to lose? 1. Your dignity. 2. What little progress you had started making towards healing. 

[datingnoob1234]

19 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

2.5 months is nothing, my friend. You haven't even had time to take stock of things. After one year maybe you'll be in a better position to re-establish contact with her.

You're still blocked everywhere. She's not tried calling you. She's not sent a friend or relative to talk to you on her behalf. Her actions communicate that she is done with you. So there's really no point speculating about what she's thinking. No need for guessing games at all.

What you have to lose? 1. Your dignity. 2. What little progress you had started making towards healing. 

I for sure understand what you're saying.. 

But we have had 'no contact' since September and within that time i have purchased a property - so who know's if anything has changed or maybe her mindset.

I was only planning to check in with her over the christmas period, with hope of maybe a coffee meet up in the new year?

You still advise against this?

[Gaeta]

And how will you contact her if she has blocked you everywhere? 

Listen, you are shopping yourself a visit from your local police. 

The woman had to block you EVERYWHERE that  means you were out of control. If a man didn't respect the fact I blocked him everywhere and found ways to contact me other than the usual social media I would file a complain for harassment. 

[Wiseman2]

Wait until she contacts you. She has your contact info and you haven't blocked her.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, datingnoob1234 said:

I was only planning to check in with her over the christmas period, with hope of maybe a coffee meet up in the new year?

You still advise against this?

Why did you make this post if you're not planning on taking anyone's advice and just going to repeat the same things over and over? 

You don't contact someone who has you BLOCKED EVERYWHERE.  The fact that she still has you blocked everywhere should tell you that it's not ok to contact her anyway.  You are not listening to her.  You are only thinking about what YOU want.  Well this is not all about you.  A relationship is between two people.  And when one person decides to block the other, it doesn't matter if YOU don't want to give up.  You don't get to control the situation.  You have to respect the decision that the other person has made, or else that makes you a stalker.  

Edited December 13, 2020 by ShyViolet