Ghosting/orbiting/deleting/whatever after a seemingly amazing date

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

WC, would you also address all his "future fake talk" and how neither she nor any woman should take this seriously prior to or during a first meet?  In one ear, out the other.

She clearly did, and had certain expectations because of it.  So this "ghosting" hit her hard and she lashed out because of the implications and expectations.  

I posted about it but no one takes me seriously on this forum, or very few anyway.  Not complaining it is what it is. 

But I think it's important to address because so many men do it after which they are never to be seen or heard from again in many cases.  . 

But that's not the focus of the OP's thread. The focus is that he ghosted her. and she's pissed and called him out afterward. The focus for me, is, help the OP see why her response to his ghosting her, was not constructive. And, her confronting men who ghost her afterward, will not change the outcome after a first date.

Doesn't matter "why" he ghosted her. He just did. None of us will ever know "why" he ghosted the OP. Only he knows.

My posts have more to do with pointing out to the OP, that she can be mad at him all she wants to, for ghosting on her after their great date. But, that doesn't mean anything in the long run. People cannot be controlled.

The OP needs to accept that she is not going to be given the closure she thinks/feels she deserves, from every guy who rejects her. Ghosting, or lying, or whatever. Rejection means he's not interested. If he's rude about his rejection, he's rude about it.

The OP cannot dictate to these men how to give her closure. And that seems like what she's getting to: that she will always go after men who reject her like this, to call them out, as if she's righting a wrong for herself. But she's not. They could care less about the OP's feelings -- men who reject her. It's OLD.

It's about dating multiple people until you find that one person you feel the most compatible with, to be in a long term relationship with. Along the way, you will have a lot of bad dating experiences with people either you are not compatible with, or they don't feel compatible to you, which is their right. It's not the OP's right to say, "hey, I think we're compatible, so you have to keep dating me."

[poppyfields]

Oh I 100% agree!  But the future talk, it's part of it too, isn't it?  I am referring to what she posted:

>>...however I will NEVER agree that it’s okay to invest significant time talking to someone, kiss them, discuss future time spend together, and then not have the common decency to let them know you don’t see things progressing. <<

My take was the future faking had a significant impact on why she feels so upset about being ghosted and why she lashed out.

Not justifying, it was wrong, but hell had she just ignored it and not taken it seriously, perhaps she wouldn't have felt so upset when he did ghost. 

 

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[dmf]

9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

But that's not the focus of the OP's thread. The focus is that he ghosted her. and she's pissed and called him out afterward. The focus for me, is, help the OP see why her response to his ghosting her, was not constructive. And, her confronting men who ghost her afterward, will not change the outcome after a first date.

Doesn't matter "why" he ghosted her. He just did. None of us will ever know "why" he ghosted the OP. Only he knows.

My posts have more to do with pointing out to the OP, that she can be mad at him all she wants to, for ghosting on her after their great date. But, that doesn't mean anything in the long run. People cannot be controlled.

The OP needs to accept that she is not going to be given the closure she thinks/feels she deserves, from every guy who rejects her. Ghosting, or lying, or whatever. Rejection means he's not interested. If he's rude about his rejection, he's rude about it.

The OP cannot dictate to these men how to give her closure. And that seems like what she's getting to: that she will always go after men who reject her like this, to call them out, as if she's righting a wrong for herself. But she's not. They could care less about the OP's feelings -- men who reject her. It's OLD.

It's about dating multiple people until you find that one person you feel the most compatible with, to be in a long term relationship with. Along the way, you will have a lot of bad dating experiences with people either you are not compatible with, or they don't feel compatible to you, which is their right. It's not the OP's right to say, "hey, I think we're compatible, so you have to keep dating me."

I do appreciate this. And I absolutely agree. I genuinely was just trying to gain some insight as to why someone would behave like this - I’ve been ghosted before and been entirely ambivalent toward it, I suppose it was just the set of circumstances around this one that got me. It’s so frustrating when you don’t understand what went wrong and thought everything had been great. 

I actually went on another date last night, we got on well, had a great chat, but I could tell pretty quickly there was no spark whatsoever for either of us. We hugged, thanked each other for a good evening, then exchanged messages again today reaffirming it was lovely to meet but there was no spark. We can imagine being friends though. Whether it’s unrealistic or not, I just so wish everyone would behave like this. 

I think I will take the suggestion mentioned in one of the comments and start expressing to people that I’d prefer they let me know if they’re not feeling it.

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

WC, it's part of it though, isn't it?  I am referring to what she posted:

>>...however I will NEVER agree that it’s okay to invest significant time talking to someone, kiss them, discuss future time spend together, and then not have the common decency to let them know you don’t see things progressing. <<

My take was the future faking had a significant impact on why she feels so upset about being ghosted.

 

I'll stick to the topic of Ghosting. Ghosting is rude but it's par for the course with some men (and women for that matter) where online dating is concerned. The OP needs a thicker skin, and she needs to communicate directly to the men she meets in person on their date, in a non-confrontational way, that due to her being ghosted a few times, she'd appreciate it, if they can just tell her if they want to see her again or not. That doesn't mean they will respect the OP's request. Some may. Some may not. But she has to take some responsibility here. She can't put 100% blame on the guy. He's in the dating game too, for the same reasons she is: to find someone to be in a relationship with.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to respond to ghosters. Confronting them does nothing. They could care less. Feel the feelings, then shake it off (thank you Taylor Swift) and go on to the next date. Or, if you don't like the way that people act in the online dating environment (ghosters, for example), then stop using online dating. Or, make requests directly to the men on the date, about how you'd like to be treated. They will either respect your request or could care less. But if you don't take the risk, you won't get anywhere.

[Miss Spider]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh I 100% agree!  But the future talk, it's part of it too, isn't it?  I am referring to what she posted:

>>...however I will NEVER agree that it’s okay to invest significant time talking to someone, kiss them, discuss future time spend together, and then not have the common decency to let them know you don’t see things progressing. <<

My take was the future faking had a significant impact on why she feels so upset about being ghosted and why she lashed out.

Not justifying, it was wrong, but hell had she just ignored it and not taken it seriously, perhaps she wouldn't have felt so upset when he did ghost. 

 

Poppy, I take your posts seriously for what it’s worth! I value your ideas and think you contribute a lot of interesting thoughts here. I am curious if you are saying you would see someone saying they would like to spend time together in the future as an inherently red flag? Because just about every day I have had it has ended with them saying this and it ended up happening.. it’s just in this case that he was not interested that it became a red flag right?

Edited December 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dmf]

I also do just want to clarify for those saying I lashed out: I don’t feel like I did. I sent a message saying I was surprised to have misread the situation and would rather he have let me know if he wasn’t interested as I thought just ghosting/deleting someone after so much effort is rather unnecessarily unkind. I said I hoped he communicated this with women in the future, that I enjoyed the day with him, and wished him all the best. 

I promise I did not send 3 paragraphs detailing how he has wronged me it was nowhere near that dramatic 

[Watercolors]

3 minutes ago, dmf said:

I do appreciate this. And I absolutely agree. I genuinely was just trying to gain some insight as to why someone would behave like this - I’ve been ghosted before and been entirely ambivalent toward it, I suppose it was just the set of circumstances around this one that got me. It’s so frustrating when you don’t understand what went wrong and thought everything had been great. 

I actually went on another date last night, we got on well, had a great chat, but I could tell pretty quickly there was no spark whatsoever for either of us. We hugged, thanked each other for a good evening, then exchanged messages again today reaffirming it was lovely to meet but there was no spark. We can imagine being friends though. Whether it’s unrealistic or not, I just so wish everyone would behave like this. 

I think I will take the suggestion mentioned in one of the comments and start expressing to people that I’d prefer they let me know if they’re not feeling it.

That other poster was me. Ahem.

I've been ghosted on before. It stinks.

I've also made the mistake of just adding men to my FB account while OLD. Also a mistake because either I'd delete him, or he'd delete me. Sometimes it was weird. Sometimes it was a relief. I stopped OLD and I stopped adding people randomly to my social media. And I feel healthier for it.

Just make the request and leave it up to the man to respect your request or not. Remember, and you already know this, you can't control anyone but yourself.

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, dmf said:

I also do just want to clarify for those saying I lashed out: I don’t feel like I did. I sent a message saying I was surprised to have misread the situation and would rather he have let me know if he wasn’t interested as I thought just ghosting/deleting someone after so much effort is rather unnecessarily unkind. I said I hoped he communicated this with women in the future, that I enjoyed the day with him, and wished him all the best. 

I promise I did not send 3 paragraphs detailing how he has wronged me it was nowhere near that dramatic 

But even that message was a mistake. My point of my posts is: you cannot change him. You cannot tell him how to treat other women. That's not up to you, dmf.

And I guarantee you, he could care less that you sent that message. He doesn't know you. Sure he made out with you on your date with him. But meh, I said it before, men like a good snog and a good feel up. They are horn dogs. They'll always do that even if they are repulsed by the woman. You know this to be true. I know you do.

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I'll stick to the topic of Ghosting. Ghosting is rude but it's par for the course with some men (and women for that matter) where online dating is concerned. The OP needs a thicker skin, and she needs to communicate directly to the men she meets in person on their date, in a non-confrontational way, that due to her being ghosted a few times, she'd appreciate it, if they can just tell her if they want to see her again or not. That doesn't mean they will respect the OP's request. Some may. Some may not. But she has to take some responsibility here. She can't put 100% blame on the guy. He's in the dating game too, for the same reasons she is: to find someone to be in a relationship with.

But there is a right way and a wrong way to respond to ghosters. Confronting them does nothing. They could care less. Feel the feelings, then shake it off (thank you Taylor Swift) and go on to the next date. Or, if you don't like the way that people act in the online dating environment (ghosters, for example), then stop using online dating. Or, make requests directly to the men on the date, about how you'd like to be treated. They will either respect your request or could care less. But if you don't take the risk, you won't get anywhere.

Ok fair enough, nuff had probably been said about it anyway.  And I agree with everything you've been posting.  

[Watercolors]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Ok fair enough, nuff had probably been said about it anyway.  And I agree with everything you've been posting.  

You know I respect you, Poppy. Even when we disagree and butt heads on here sometimes. But we both always contribute to conversations from the goodness of our hearts. Because we're good people. That's why.

[dmf]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

But even that message was a mistake. My point of my posts is: you cannot change him. You cannot tell him how to treat other women. That's not up to you, dmf.

And I guarantee you, he could care less that you sent that message. He doesn't know you. Sure he made out with you on your date with him. But meh, I said it before, men like a good snog and a good feel up. They are horn dogs. They'll always do that even if they are repulsed by the woman. You know this to be true. I know you do.

I don’t expect to change him. But I hope that if people will continue to call out needless ghosting it will become less of an “acceptable” behaviour. 

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Poppy, I take your posts seriously for what it’s worth! I value your ideas and think you contribute a lot of interesting thoughts here. I am curious if you are saying you would see someone saying they would like to spend time together in the future as an inherently red flag? Because just about every day I have had it has ended with them saying this and it ended up happening.. it’s just in this case that he was not interested that it became a red flag right?

Thanks shortskirts means alot. xo

No future faking is not a red flag imo, it's typical in my experience.

I mean hell it happens so often if every woman considered it a red flag no one wouid be dating anyone! Lol

Only that it's best to not place so much significance on it and take it too seriously prior to or during first meet.  For exactly the reasons that happened here.

If things work out, fabulous!  But best to exercise some caution and see it for what it is - talk.  Judge by actions is what I always did

OP took it seriously, had expectations because of it and was seriously disappointed, hurt and confused when those future plans didn't pan out and he ghosted after first meet.

Jmo on that.

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, dmf said:

I also do just want to clarify for those saying I lashed out: I don’t feel like I did. I sent a message saying I was surprised to have misread the situation and would rather he have let me know if he wasn’t interested as I thought just ghosting/deleting someone after so much effort is rather unnecessarily unkind. I said I hoped he communicated this with women in the future, that I enjoyed the day with him, and wished him all the best. 

I promise I did not send 3 paragraphs detailing how he has wronged me it was nowhere near that dramatic 

I don’t think you did anything really wrong. If it makes you feel better to have done it and you weren’t mean or angry, it’s probably fine. There is a rare chance that he saw a new perspective, but I think most of the time it’s just met with annoyance or eye roll.

It comes down to a difference in perception too. Just applying the golden rule. I think I would prefer to be ghosted. I see all these “it’s not going to work” messages and I don’t think I’d prefer receiving one over nothing at all. Maybe I’d like to be in denial and think that the person just died instead of didn’t like me. Lol . 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Maybe I’d like to be in denial and think that the person just died instead of didn’t like me. Lol . 

Lol, ignorance can be so bliss sometimes.

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, ignorance can be so bliss sometimes.

‘He never texted me back after that great first date?!. He must have got dysentery and died when he got home.  RIP. ‘

Edited December 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dmf]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

‘He never texted me back after that great first date?!. He must have got dysentery and died when he got home.  RIP. ‘

Hahahaha this is giving me life. Poor man, may he RIP. Well he is a ghost afterall  

[Versacehottie]

17 minutes ago, dmf said:

I don’t expect to change him. But I hope that if people will continue to call out needless ghosting it will become less of an “acceptable” behaviour. 

I'm quite sure ghosting has been going on since the beginning of time.  Somewhere in a cave somewhere sits a cavewoman wondering why her caveman didn't come back for a second date. It's just easier to connect, communicate and stay in touch (and watch what the ghoster is doing on social media, ie everything but letting you know he's not interested).

My advice about this part of the subject is:

Stop trying to fight how you believe things "SHOULD" be and accept them as they ARE.

It's more productive and a much better use of your personal energy and for your psyche to handle life this way.  No response or follow up contact, especially after a first date, means=not interested. If you get caught up in what you believe to be morally right or wrong in regards to how you think letting someone down after dating, it's a failure to acknowledge that people handle things differently/are different.  The productive thing to do for yourself, is to recognize this is a big CLUE that he's not the right one for you that on such a value, he feels much differently. 

Regarding the future faking stuff.  Maybe you were just hyped up but people are going to talk about future plans and will kiss you etc as it is an integral part of the dating process, seeing if you fit together, it's like the marketing brochure of what you might get if you are together.  You should, as some of the others said, take it with a grain of salt at one date in.    No one is obligated to do anything after sharing those things with you.  You each will ride out the fantasy until you don't want to anymore--and people handle that part differently.  The last thing you want to do is be a person who obligates someone in a romantic beginning.  I think if you lay it out as important to you that you must be TOLD or even would like to be told if the other person isn't feeling it, you plant a seed of your insecurity; it becomes almost a foregone conclusion since it's a version of a prediction; AND importantly, you will still end up disappointed.  The thing is you are asking for something that I believe people feel very differently about.  They will probably tell you what you want to hear and then do what they want anyway, especially in these first dates.  I think you need to make peace with it IMO.   You can change the world by not doing it yourself if you feel strongly about it.  

[ShyViolet]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Stop trying to fight how you believe things "SHOULD" be and accept them as they ARE.

It's more productive and a much better use of your personal energy and for your psyche to handle life this way.  No response or follow up contact, especially after a first date, means=not interested. If you get caught up in what you believe to be morally right or wrong in regards to how you think letting someone down after dating, it's a failure to acknowledge that people handle things differently/are different.  The productive thing to do for yourself, is to recognize this is a big CLUE that he's not the right one for you that on such a value, he feels much differently. 

This is great advice.  I agree 1000%

The second you realize that he is no longer interested, that he is not responding, you should just MOVE ON with your life and not spend another second of your time or energy on him.  You are not gaining the moral high ground, or accomplishing anything at all, by making it your mission to "call him out" on his ghosting.  You are not teaching him anything.  You are not changing him. You are not going to figure out "WHY" he ghosted you.  It doesn't matter why.   It's just a waste of your time, and frankly, he is probably telling his friends that this "crazy girl won't stop texting him".  Just stop.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, dmf said:

Is.. is this really where we are as a society now? I agree he doesn’t “owe” me a future together or even a second date - however I will NEVER agree that it’s okay to invest significant time talking to someone, kiss them, discuss future time spend together, and then not have the common decency to let them know you don’t see things progressing. 

I will continue to call out ghosting where there is no valid reason for doing so beyond “not liking confrontation”.  Perhaps I’m old fashioned. Unless the disinterest is very mutual, I will always let someone know that I enjoyed my time with them but don’t see things progressing. 

I had something like this happen to me. A surprisingly great first date where it felt like we really connected and kissed—- then nothing happened.

in my situation...my guess she went back to an ex she had re recently dated.

 

with him....he likely was dating other women. You didn’t rank as #1 on the list.

 

when this happens, both sexes do it, it’s one of 3 reasons....

1  for whatever reason they didn’t feel it or something wasn’t there like when kissing.  There wasn’t anything wrong with you so they avoid you instead of breaking your heart

2  you weren’t #1 in their dates. They like you but want to see how this other thing goes. If they avoid you then they could go back to you if this other thing falls apart. I wish people  could accept this... Thrn you might have more second chance dates and maybe actually work out.

 

3  what coukd have happened here is he liked you but feared you wouldn’t like some things about him such as political views, religion, his interest is in something you hate like guns/hunting, in talking you want different things. 
 

in #3.. i meta woman who we clicked with but we were very different politically. Something in this environment I can’t see ever living with.  Maybe 20 years ago I could have looked past  that. Not now.  It wasn’t like you shared some similar views but not agree on others...it was farther apart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

47 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Stop trying to fight how you believe things "SHOULD" be and accept them as they ARE.

It's more productive and a much better use of your personal energy and for your psyche to handle life this way.  No response or follow up contact, especially after a first date, means=not interested. If you get caught up in what you believe to be morally right or wrong in regards to how you think letting someone down after dating, it's a failure to acknowledge that people handle things differently/are different.  The productive thing to do for yourself, is to recognize this is a big CLUE that he's not the right one for you that on such a value, he feels much differently. 

+1! I said the same thing and I totally agree. 

 

39 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

The second you realize that he is no longer interested, that he is not responding, you should just MOVE ON with your life and not spend another second of your time or energy on him.  You are not gaining the moral high ground, or accomplishing anything at all, by making it your mission to "call him out" on his ghosting.  You are not teaching him anything.  You are not changing him. You are not going to figure out "WHY" he ghosted you.  It doesn't matter why.   It's just a waste of your time, and frankly, he is probably telling his friends that this "crazy girl won't stop texting him".  Just stop.

+1! I agree with you as well ShyViolet. When someone shows you what you mean to them, believe them. If a man stops contacting you after your first date with him, MOVE ON. Stop making excuses for him. Did you ever see that movie, based on the same book, "He's Just Not That Into You." Well, if you haven't, I highly recommend it. It is a book written from two writers (a man and woman) point of view about dating. 

Thousands of threads in the dating section here exist about "he is a jerk b/c he ghosted me." My bet is, if you printed them all out and edited them for grammar, you'd have multiple volumes. 

OP, you've been ghosted before and it didn't ruin your life. Why now? Just because you felt a spark and had a great make-out session with this man on one date? Happens all the time. First dates can go on for hours, hell, even days, and still not lead anywhere. 

You need to learn to draw the line, communicate your expectations DIRECTLY to the guy face to face, not in some ranty text message, and grow a thicker skin and stop taking OLD rejection so personally. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that the key here is him saying that he has some deal-breaker views/opinions. I am not sure why you didn't press him harder there. Whenever a guy said this to me, those deal-breakers were shocking and the guy was 100% right. Most common ones by far are polyamory, bi and/or married.

Then there are weird ones: flat earther, practices witch craft for a living, just spent 10 years in jail, is a meth user that has started recovery....

He probably decided to have one fun date but ultimately he has already told you that you are not compatible. You ignored the waving red flag - I don't see why are you surprised.

Edited December 10, 2020 by Eternal Sunshine

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I think that the key here is him saying that he has some deal-breaker views/opinions. ultimately he has already told you that you are not compatible. You ignored the waving red flag - I don't see why are you surprised.

Agree. Just write this guy off.

[Fletch Lives]

It takes a couple of months for someone to fall in love so until that time you have no solid hook to get them to commit. Plus, some people are married or on the rebound or otherwise just fooling around. Finally you have the insane. So within two months, particularly after a first date, they are more apt to flake. There is rejection in dating, that's just the way dating goes. 

But take heart - you only need to find one good one. Keep your head high and keep on truckin' sister!

[dmf]

HEY EVERYONE! 

In an unexpected turn of events, I went on a date a few days ago (with a new guy) that was a game changer. I wasn’t all that enthused about meeting him but it turned out to be the best first date of my life. 

I want to thank everyone again because I followed your advice and didn’t engage in much texting before meeting, didn’t add each other on socials, and just kept a much more level head about it all. 

I can clearly see that the guy I originally posted about is NOT the sort of person I should have even wasted energy on. 

This guy set up future dates with me on the date. He called me within an hour to make sure I was home okay. He’s been actively following up since and not just making mindless chat - actually making plans. I’ll see him again tomorrow, I’m cautiously optimistic but keen not to get ahead of myself and to just let it evolve naturally if it’s meant to be

As predicted - never heard from the ghost again, and I’m glad. 

[Miss Spider]

Whoa that’s awesome, dmf. I’m glad you met someone you like:)