Ghosting/orbiting/deleting/whatever after a seemingly amazing date

[dmf]

Okay bear with me as there’s a bit of context to be had but I have never been so baffled and I’m hoping someone can give some insight or explanation as to WHY someone would do this.

I met a guy via online dating, we clicked right away and I would go as far as to say I’ve never felt so comfortable/had conversation flow so easily in my life (I never expressed this to him as obviously you never know how things will be in real life). Normally I try to meet as soon as possible but we both were very busy/had conflicting schedules so spent about a week messaging each other back and forwards throughout the day until we could meet.

We seemed very compatible, have similar interests, and the ONLY red flag raised was he mentioned he had some views and opinions that he thought would be deal breakers for me (I still have yet to discover what these are) and that there would be things about him I maybe wouldn’t like. 

The conversation was very flirty but it was established for certain that we wanted to get to know each other before anything progressed physically. 

We met and got a coffee then went for a little stroll along a river before finding somewhere quiet to sit and chat. We kissed multiple times, kept contact with each other while sitting (ie he was rubbing my shoulders a little or had an arm around me, I sat with my head on his shoulder some of the time), made each other laugh, and even both forgot what we were saying as we looked it each other. All in all extremely cute, the conversation flowed so well, we touched on some topics that were a little below the surface but nothing too deep for a first date. Throughout the couple of hours we both made remarks which suggested doing things together in the future.

At the end, we kissed some more, I said I had a good afternoon, he said he did too, and he said “do this again?” And I said yes obviously - he joked that it was a rhetorical question and asked me to message him when I got home (id previously mentioned I drove past an accident on the way there as it’s a very windy and narrow road). 

AND HERE WE ARE: I messaged him a cute video of my dog greeting me when I got home, he viewed it within about 2 minutes but never replied. That was fine, and I refrained from sending anything else as I know he had a lot on for the weekend. I didn’t hear from him over the next two days, again not worried, but he did view every story I posted on Facebook (I cringe saying this but feel it’s relevant). They were just the usual sorts of things I post - dinner with my friends, walking my dog. 

On Monday morning I messaged him (on fb messenger which has been our primary means of communication) and asked how his weekend was.. he didn’t view the message until the evening - then as soon as he read it he removed me as a friend?! He didn’t block me, didn’t unmatch me on the dating app we met on, and didn’t reply. Just unfriended me. I am SO CONFUSED. I sent him one more very polite message letting him know I had a great time with him and had been looking forward to getting to know him more but was shocked that he had chosen such a cold way to cut contact vs just saying he wasn’t interested in pursuing something, as that would have been fine. I ended it with take care and just left it at that. 

He read it, again didn’t reply (shock) and that was it. I am seriously STUNNED. 

Does anyone have any idea why someone would behave this way?! Why just delete me but not actually block communication? I’ve been questioning whether I completely misread everything but I truly cannot think of a single moment during our date that suggested he wasn’t feeling it as much as I was. 

 

[Foxhall]

most obvious answer would seem he has an other woman or two on the go and you are surplus to requirements,

at least you dont know him that well or didnt go too far,

better luck next time.

[kismetkismet]

My guess is that even though the two of you had a spark, he found out something on the date that let him know you weren't compatible long term. It may be something that he's a bit embarrassed about, or something that he just doesn't want to get into. 

[Versacehottie]

I think Facebook is his day-to-day social media and he has his real life and possibly other romantic interests on there.  The fact that you are using it to communicate with him--though you both used it before the date--now is something that he finds invasive since he doesn't want to continue the relationship.  He's not man enough to tell you, which is why he didn't unmatch you on the app or tell you directly.  He/you/both made a mistake inviting each other into each other's real life with the facebook add and now he's regretting it.  A lot easier to keep his dating stuff on the app and not have to feel guilty, bother or annoyed.

 I don't think you've done anything wrong after the date but sometimes non-confrontational people end up being much more cruel in their avoidance of dealing with things more head-on and honestly.  Good luck

[Maldives]

Who knows only he does but it is clear he doesn't want to pursue you anymore he's just chosen a very gutless way of coming out about it by kinda ghostng you in a half hearted way if that makes sense 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Goodguy05

[ShakeShake]

Whilst I understand you want to know why he did it, the only person that can answer that question is him. It could be for a number of reasons.

I think it's more important to not spend too much time/effort trying to work out the reasoning as quite simply - it does not matter. The fact is he did it, and does not want anything to do with you. That's enough reason for you to not want to have him in your life anymore, why would you?

On to the next one, someone that does not do something like this.

[Miss Spider]

My guess is he didn’t want to get into a confrontation with you, which sorry to say, but judging by your 0P could’ve seemed like a very real possibility. He found this to be easier for him. Just pack up and move on. It’s not worth it. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, dmf said:

At the end, we kissed some more, I said I had a good afternoon, he said he did too, and he said “do this again?” And I said yes obviously - he joked that it was a rhetorical question and asked me to message him when I got home (id previously mentioned I drove past an accident on the way there as it’s a very windy and narrow road). 

This moment is where he told you outright that he wasn't interested in you. How do I know? Easy. 

1. He joked that asking you out was a rhetorical question. (Ouch. What a douche bag)
2. He didn't ask you out. "Do this again?" is not exactly 100% committed to a 2nd date. "I'd like to ask you out for a second date next Wednesday. Are you free then?" is what you're after. 
3. He asked YOU to message him. I.e. He doesn't see you as a priority since he's OLD multidating. He's letting you chase him. I.e. he's not 100% committed to seeing you again, as anything but someone he can breadcrub via text for an ego boost when he needs it, without having to put in the effort to ask you out in person. 
4. He didn't respond to your cute dog greeting video although he viewed it. 
5. He deleted you from his Facebook. (Ouch again) Because he doesn't want to see you again. STOP CHASING HIM!!!!

I'd put this guy in your "had fun but no reciprocation" box and move on. Do NOT get hung up on "oh but we made out and he was physical with me" on your first date. Guys are horn dogs. They are opportunists. They want to touch boobies any chance they can. They want to swap saliva any chance they can. They don't care who with. Sorry. He's not that into you based on his behavior. Forget about his words. Focus on his actions. Next!

Edited December 8, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, dmf said:

I messaged him a cute video of my dog greeting me when I got home, he viewed it within about 2 minutes but never replied. That was fine.

On Monday morning I messaged him (on fb messenger which has been our primary means of communication) and asked how his weekend was.. he didn’t view the message until the evening - then as soon as he read it he removed me as a friend?!

 I sent him one more very polite message letting him know I had a great time with him and had been looking forward to getting to know him more but was shocked that he had chosen such a cold way to cut contact vs just saying he wasn’t interested in pursuing something, as that would have been fine. I ended it with take care and just left it at that. 

He read it, again didn’t reply (shock) and that was it. I am seriously STUNNED. 

First off,  why do you think it was "fine" that he never replied to your first message?  

So you double texted and he read but ignored that too.

Then you sent yet another message calling him out on his poor behavior.

It's anyone's guess what's going on with him, but for next time, next guy, send one message and wait for reply.  

If they dont reply, that's a next.  

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Just as an fyi, I've had great fun dates, lots to talk about, even laugh about, even kissed, but once home, wasn't quite "feeling it" and declined second date.   

No rhyme or reason for it, but it's not uncommon when this happens. 

It really could be anything, my brother is a huge "commitmentphobe" and has done things like this.  It got "too close" too fast, as crazy as that sounds.  

But who knows.  Try to not give it a second thought, you will never figure it out.

The only person who knows is him.

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately one-and-done meets are more common than not.

You're both still talking to and meeting others.

Even if you had a great time on the first meet, it doesn't mean it will go anywhere.

You're not in a relationship so no breakup is required and he didn't confirm another date and that in itself indicates low interest.

The best thing you can do is delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Then just move on. Try not to overinvest in one meeting.

 

 

[MsJayne]

It's called being a coward. Thinks you were so smitten with him that you couldn't possibly handle a rejection from him, it would probably send you insane and you'd throw yourself off the nearest cliff so he decided that treating you with total disrespect would be a better way to handle it. I'm of the opinion that people who do this have a bit of a screw loose, manners are outside their realm of thinking. Maybe it's because other people fall in love with them all the time and it's just too much for them to handle. Or maybe it's just because he's actually a massive douche who probably "clicks" with every woman he meets in the hope that he'll at least get sex before he ghosts them. Be grateful you weren't one of them and maybe send him a message saying, "This is you" with a picture of a rectum via his Facebook page, then block and delete. 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, dmf said:

On Monday morning I messaged him (on fb messenger which has been our primary means of communication) and asked how his weekend was.. he didn’t view the message until the evening - then as soon as he read it he removed me as a friend?! He didn’t block me, didn’t unmatch me on the dating app we met on, and didn’t reply. Just unfriended me. I am SO CONFUSED. I sent him one more very polite message letting him know I had a great time with him and had been looking forward to getting to know him more but was shocked that he had chosen such a cold way to cut contact vs just saying he wasn’t interested in pursuing something, as that would have been fine. I ended it with take care and just left it at that. 

He read it, again didn’t reply (shock) and that was it. I am seriously STUNNED. 

Does anyone have any idea why someone would behave this way?! Why just delete me but not actually block communication? 

 

Lemme take a guess: It's because he wants to see how you behave after rejection. He's amused. Like a cat that injures a little bird just for fun then watches it flail around helplessly. He may very well be planning on toying some more with you down the road. So do yourself a favor and block him everywhere.

[Wiseman2]

Shock and awe and stunned are quite extreme reactions to a very common first meet not going for a second date.

If "stunned and shocked", are your reaction to simple first meets not panning out, OLD, may be too brutal for you.

[Calmandfocused]

I can see why you’d feel so confused and crushed Op. You experienced what you thought was an amazing date and you were confident he felt the same. 
 

But now you know two things clearly; 

1) He’s disingenuous 

2) He’s unsuitable dating material and therefore unsuitable for your attention. 
 

Or maybe he just doesn’t like dogs. But I doubt this is the reason. 
 

I can understand why you’re finding it difficult to accept his rejection but you must understand that chasing a flaker will make them run away even faster. Don’t do this in future no matter how much of a “connection” you feel. 
 

Thank your lucky stars that he showed you who he is after date 1 and didn’t waste any more of your time. 
 

Brush yourself off, get back out there and don’t judge a book by its cover until he clearly shows you consistent interest after the first date. 

[dmf]

Thanks everyone.. I’ve both rejected plenty and had plenty of rejection via OLD so it’s not that,  I guess I’ve just never been so blindsided before because it’s usually somewhat obvious to me what the reason is - as in it’s pretty clear there wasn’t a spark/attraction/compatibility. In this case it just so seemed there was all 3 and I can’t think of a single indication during the date that made me think we weren’t going to see each other again. 

I suppose also because we had communicated so well previously and during the date I was really taken aback that he didn’t just say “hey I had fun but don’t think there’s anything here”. 

Im also triply confused that he deleted but didn’t block me, it’s like he wanted me to know I was deleted but still make it possible to communicate, it’s so strange. 

I’m wondering whether he is a commitment-phobe too, hence it was easy to message back and forwards every day (he was the main initiator by the way) but then as soon as faced with the real life possibility of something, he turned into a complete douche. 

[Wiseman2]

Commitmentphobia? It seems like you are overinvesting in this.

It doesn't matter how well the texting or first meet went.

He did state clearly that he saw incompatibilities but not exactly what they were.

The turnaround was after meeting in person. Perhaps he met someone, went back to an ex, who knows?

Don't give it this much headspace, no less a faux diagnosis.

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

I’ve been on several dates where the person thought I was really vibing them.  I can see why they might think that though. I am very flirty and all about my dates when I’m with them. I’m interested in people so I like to get to know them. My logic is that if I am going to be spending a few hours with someone I am even marginally attracted there’s no point in being a dead fish. If am attracted to them enough to them I may kiss them because it‘s fun. 
But when I get home sometimes I decide that I am not feeling it enough overall for date 2.
 

I guess I can’t attest to your intuition or how real it felt to you, but obviously you were off about it based on what’s happened. 
 

 How do you know down to the moment when he saw your message and then immediately deleted you after?? Forgive me if I am wrong, I am not certain on how it works, but I don’t think there is a pop up or anything when someone deleted you from Facebook messenger? Maybe he just deleted you on Facebook because he knew then he didn’t want to date anymore so there was no need to be friends. Maybe he didn’t intend for you to know he did it. Maybe he didn’t know you were obsessively checking his Facebook to see you were unfriended, but your message going off on him cleared that up. 
 

You’re really complaining that he didn’t block you instead? Unlike some people, I don’t think he did this because he gets off on delusions of grandeur or hurting people . I think he really didn’t give this a fraction of the thought that you have. He lost interest and just deleted you from his friends list. He found it easier to just stop talking and then to have an awkward talk.It was one date and you two weren’t a match. Sorry it didn’t work out, but leaves you open to find the right one. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, dmf said:

the ONLY red flag raised was he mentioned he had some views and opinions that he thought would be deal breakers for me (I still have yet to discover what these are) and that there would be things about him I maybe wouldn’t like.

This is the bit that should have rung alarm bells for you but you seemed to gloss it over.
He was  telling you if you knew him you wouldn't like him and that is fairly major IMV.
There is not a lot of wiggle room there.
"Dealbreaker" is pretty strong language, but you ignored it and carried on regardless.
How could you possibly get into a relationship with someone who if he told you who he really was and how he really thought, it would be a deal-breaker for you?

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe he's not exactly single and was worried his wife or girlfriend would wonder who this new FB friend is. 

Regardless, this doesn't sound like a loss. He warned you there are some things about him that you probably wouldn't like. Anyone who's ever hinted that to me turned out to be absolutely correct. He knows himself and knows this likely wasn't going to work, for whatever reason he wasn't ready to tell you.

[dmf]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’ve been on several dates where the person thought I was really vibing them.  I can see why they might think that though. I am very flirty and all about my dates when I’m with them. I’m interested in people so I like to get to know them. My logic is that if I am going to be spending a few hours with someone I am even marginally attracted there’s no point in being a dead fish. If am attracted to them enough to them I may kiss them because it‘s fun. 
But when I get home sometimes I decide that I am not feeling it enough overall for date 2.
 

I guess I can’t attest to your intuition or how real it felt to you, but obviously you were off about it based on what’s happened. 
 

 How do you know down to the moment when he saw your message and then immediately deleted you after?? Forgive me if I am wrong, I am not certain on how it works, but I don’t think there is a pop up or anything when someone deleted you from Facebook messenger? Maybe he just deleted you on Facebook because he knew then he didn’t want to date anymore so there was no need to be friends. Maybe he didn’t intend for you to know he did it. Maybe he didn’t know you were obsessively checking his Facebook to see you were unfriended, but your message going off on him cleared that up. 
 

You’re really complaining that he didn’t block you instead? Unlike some people, I don’t think he did this because he gets off on delusions of grandeur or hurting people . I think he really didn’t give this a fraction of the thought that you have. He lost interest and just deleted you from his friends list. He found it easier to just stop talking and then to have an awkward talk.It was one date and you two weren’t a match. Sorry it didn’t work out, but leaves you open to find the right one. 

This wasn’t really the point of the post but to clarify how I noticed it - I happened to be online communicating with other people and saw that he was on. Out of curiosity I checked to see if I had read the message I sent that morning, and literally as I was looking at the screen it changed to “read”, then seconds later his “active now” status completely disappeared. I thought it was weird so checked his profile and saw he had unfriended me. It was a complete fluke of timing, I wasn’t obsessively checking but I can see how it sounded like that.

[dmf]

56 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is the bit that should have rung alarm bells for you but you seemed to gloss it over.
He was  telling you if you knew him you wouldn't like him and that is fairly major IMV.
There is not a lot of wiggle room there.
"Dealbreaker" is pretty strong language, but you ignored it and carried on regardless.
How could you possibly get into a relationship with someone who if he told you who he really was and how he really thought, it would be a deal-breaker for you?

I know, I guess I just wanted the chance to make that decision for myself as everything else was going great.

[Miss Spider]

Oh okay, I see. Thx for clarifying. Yeah that’s weird, but you’re right it doesn’t matter anyway because he looks like already made the decision to ghost before or shortly after the dog video.  And really, who knows why he wasn’t feeling it, could be anything. Everything seemed great between you guys. I guess I can understand it being surprising to you if there were no signs but some people be like that. 
 

The only suggestion I want to make is perhaps rethink texting 2x if a person doesn’t bother to respond to first because no response is response 

 

Sorry but yea it’s not even worth pondering. More where that came from 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ellener]

It's a strange thing to tell someone 'if you knew me you wouldn't like me', but to be honest that could be lots of things....I'm a bit touchy talking about my disabled feet for example, he could be bi...but the Facebook thing, could just be he wanted you two to be more private after one date?

I don't do facebook, but when I did there were people on there from all bits of my life, so I wouldn't use it for anything I wanted kept private. 

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

perhaps rethink texting 2x if a person doesn’t bother to respond to first because no response is response 

I agree. And with this-

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to overinvest in one meeting.

 

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Shock and awe and stunned are quite extreme reactions to a very common first meet not going for a second date.

If "stunned and shocked", are your reaction to simple first meets not panning out, OLD, may be too brutal for you.

Agree as is any suggestion that he's a POS for "doing what he did."  You didn't say that OP but some others did.

What did he do exactly?  He wasn't interested after a first meet.   This is quite common.  Many people choose to ghost which isnt even the right word because there was nothing to ghost from.  It was one meet!

It's very difficult for some to say the words "I'm not interested" after a first meet.   It can sound presumptuous because we don't know if the other person is even interested themselves. 

OP sent three texts in a row to this guy.  In an ideal world, sure he could have messaged "not interested" but should that be necessary after only one meet?  I never thought so.

People have the right to not be interested or lose interest for whatever reason.   There is no need for anyone to be losing their shyt over it, and the third message OP sent was way over the top imo.  Totally unnecessary.

People need to chill otherwise they are going to get chewed up and spit out when OLDing.

Good luck moving forward OP.

 

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[lurker74]

Most likely answers are, in order of likelihood:

• He had a date after you that he liked more
• His ex is back in his life
• His views that you won't like were confirmed by him (e.g. he's a Trumper, you are not; he's a flat earther, you believe the earth is a sphere...) and he didn't want to have the conversation
• He was never that into you but likes making out. Maybe this is bad but at least he didn't try to sleep with you.

Never invest in anyone that early. The reasons for moving on are many and varied.