Why is he avoiding a video call?

[levin78]

 

So I met this guy online last week. Right away we hit it off and connected pretty intensely. 

I know people will say that whatever connection is felt over text doesn’t mean much, but in all my dating experiences I have 100% always found text chemistry to translate into in person chemistry. So maybe it’s different for different people, but for me, good and engaging texting has always been a good indicator that I will like the person. That being said, I do still like to meet the person ASAP because I’m not interested in texting into oblivion. 

Anyways, we’ve been texting nonstop for almost a week now. Sometimes all afternoon until late at night like 1 or 2 am. He’s been very open about what he’s looking for...”a woman to trust and grow with, something that can grow into a serious relationship, a connection that is more than physical” etc. We’ve discussed that we’re on the same page about what we’re looking for and he’s expressed great enthusiasm and excitement about getting to know me. He asks thoughtful questions, expresses genuine interest in me, and isn’t afraid to bring up and discuss deep and emotionally intimate topics. He has driven all the conversations in this direction so it’s not me pushing it. 

I can’t help but get excited about this because allll of the previous guys I have dated had some holdup or reason why they didn’t want to be in a relationship. I guess I tend to attract emotionally unavailable or avoidant men. I have been longing for someone willing to open his heart and be vulnerable with me for years and this is the first time in a long time I feel like I’ve met someone with the potential to do that. None of the guys I've previously dated have taken the time to ask me many of the questions he's asking me.

Well, of course there’s always a “but”. After a few days of texting I asked if he’d like to do a video call so we could “meet” each other (we’d already discussed that actually meeting in person was not an option at this time due to COVID). He said he couldn’t that night, but would be able to the following day. The next day when I brought it up, he said something had come up and he wouldn’t be able to again. I wasn’t going to push it even further, so I said “ok, maybe another day then!” to which he said yes but didn’t suggest anything specific. Weird thing too is that on both of these nights when he was apparently unavailable for a video call, we ended up texting the whole night. It makes me feel like he's just avoiding a video call with me for some reason.

I’ve done my background research and I know he’s not catfishing me. Everything he says about his family/friends/life checks out with his social media profiles. He appears to be a bold and confident guy and he clearly knows how to talk to women, so I doubt he would be cripplingly nervous about meeting me. Still, he seems genuine, self-aware and kind so I don’t get the vibe he’s a player. The only thing I can think of is that he had to move back in with his mom because of COVID and I guess FaceTiming from your mom’s house could be somewhat emasculating for a grown man. But still, what’s the point of putting in all this effort to get to know me and initiating these intimate conversations over text if you have no plan to actually meet me in the immediate future? You can easily get an ego stroke, dirty pictures, or even sex from plenty of girls online without putting in that much effort lol. 

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. I guess I'm curious what other people think here. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt or is this a red flag I need to acknowledge? I know it's only been a week, I've just become impatient, anxious, and distrusting because of my past with emotionally unavailable men. I don't want to enter into a situation like that again and my psychology has got me freaking out now because it wants me to avoid it at all costs. But I also don't want my insecurities to mess up something with potential. So I guess I'm seeking advice on how to either address this situation or how to just calm my fears and relax and enjoy getting to know someone new?

[5x5]

He obviously doesn't want you to see him, it may be because he is playing games with you, is misrepresenting what he looks like or possibly albeit extremely unlikely he some extraordinary self esteem issues. Any of which would not make him good relationship material.

At the end of the day given any of that, he is wasting your time. So you would do well to stop wasting that time of yours and let this one go.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not dating right now, but if meeting in person wasn't possible, I'd think a video call is reasonable. Under these circumstances, I'd definitely find it problematic that he keeps dodging it. You may be right that he's afraid his mom might intrude, since he's living at her house. But if his living situation is so weird he can't even do a video call, there would be other issues with dating him, so I'd probably tell him to get back in touch once he's back on his feet and able to do normal dating/communication stuff.

[smackie9]

A) he's married or not single.

B) his photos on the app are old or fake and he's actually fat balding ugly or whatever

C) insecure/nervous

D) just lonely and doesn't want it to go any further than being a chat pal.

Neither one of those is good. When you come across something like this, it's time to bail.

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

You should try one more time to schedule a video call.  Ask him what day and time would work for him.  If he avoids it again, then I wouldn't waste my time with this guy.  What is the point of endlessly texting with someone who doesn't even want to do a video call and who you aren't going to be meeting in person anytime soon due to covid?

[elaine567]

How old is he?
Is it possible he is just not tech savvy enough to set up a video call and doesn't want to show his ignorance...?

[levin78]

 

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

A) he's married or not single.

B) his photos on the app are old or fake and he's actually fat balding ugly or whatever

C) insecure/nervous

D) just lonely and doesn't want it to go any further than being a chat pal.

Neither one of those is good. When you come across something like this, it's time to bail.

 

Hmm I'm not too worried about A or B since the social media definitely checks out (recent posts on multiple platforms in which he looks the same as he does in his dating profiles, no evidence of a girlfriend/wife anywhere, recent posts that definitely prove he's living at his mom's right now, etc.).

I'm mostly worried about D I guess. However if that were the case why beat into the ground that he's looking for something serious so much??? I didn't ask him and we were having perfectly fun and engaged casual chats prior to him volunteering that information (multiple times, might I add). In our conversations he seems very interested in figuring out exactly what I'm looking for and seems to want to make sure it's something serious like him. 

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How old is he?
Is it possible he is just not tech savvy enough to set up a video call and doesn't want to show his ignorance...?

He's only 29 lol so he definitely knows how to FaceTime.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, levin78 said:

He's only 29 lol so he definitely knows how to FaceTime.

Yes if he IS 29 but maybe not if he is actually 59 or 69....

[Fletch Lives]

hmmm....... i'll just say that I prefer meeting in person to video. But he says he won't meet because of covid. Is he being truthful, or is it just an excuse because he's not into you?

I guess it's a hard time to date, but regardless, if you want a relationship, you have to meet soon, and obviously that's not going to happen. I'd  find another guy who does not have a covid excuse.

As an alternative, you could wait for the vaccine to date and get busy with your life for now.

[poppyfields]

I have no idea what's going on with him but chiming in to say that personally I find chatting over video awkward, I much prefer email or text.  Be it shyness, a form of social anxiety, I have never felt comfortable with it.

My brothers often want to FT and I avoid with them as well! 

That said, I s'pose because of covid and not being able to meet in person for a while, I'd do it but would be anxious, nervous and self-conscious. 

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[levin78]

3 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

hmmm....... i'll just say that I prefer meeting in person to video. But he says he won't meet because of covid. Is he being truthful, or is it just an excuse because he's not into you?

I guess it's a hard time to date, but regardless, if you want a relationship, you have to meet soon, and obviously that's not going to happen. I'd  find another guy who does not have a covid excuse.

As an alternative, you could wait for the vaccine to date and get busy with your life for now.

Oh yes I 100% prefer meeting in person too. I haven't chalked it up to a lame excuse quite yet...since he is living with his mom he is concerned about exposing her to covid and he also has a job which requires him to go into work, so contracting covid would mean being out of work for two weeks which is obviously not ideal. I understand that those aren't risks he wants to take at this time.

I have complications on my end as well. My roommate is very very anxious about covid so I have to be cognizant of her comfort zone as well when meeting new people. Plus, the weather is cold and everything is closed! Not much we could get out and do, and I'm definitely not inviting him into my home before knowing him well.

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I have no idea what's going on with him but chiming in to say that personally I find chatting over video awkward, I much prefer email or text.  Be it shyness, a form of social anxiety, I have never felt comfortable with it.

My brothers often want to FT and I avoid with them as well! 

That said, I s'pose because of covid and not being able to meet in person for a while, I'd do it but would be anxious, nervous and self-conscious. 

 

Yes, this is what I'm worried about as well...I've found in my pandemic dating experiences thus far that many people (especially men) just really really really do not like to FaceTime, especially with someone they don't know well yet. The few guys I have locked down for a FaceTime date so far have actually commented during the date that they thought it was weird when I asked and they did not really want to do it lol (but they did it anyway because they knew that's the only way I'd feel comfortable meeting with them in person later on). I completely understand that hesitation and am willing to be flexible with it, but it's hard because I also don't want to get emotionally invested by texting for months then find out it wasn't genuine or the connection isn't there in person, etc. Maybe I just need to communicate that to him and we can reach a compromise.

[levin78]

Another thought...maybe he is asking me all these intense questions because he's trying to vet me before eventually being more open to meeting up in person? I can understand why someone who is sure about what they're looking for would want to be sure their date was on the same page prior to meeting face-to-face these days.

Still think he could do a video call but like previous posters have said I understand that that's really not everyone's cup of tea.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, levin78 said:

Oh yes I 100% prefer meeting in person too. I haven't chalked it up to a lame excuse quite yet...since he is living with his mom he is concerned about exposing her to covid and he also has a job which requires him to go into work, so contracting covid would mean being out of work for two weeks which is obviously not ideal. I understand that those aren't risks he wants to take at this time.

I have complications on my end as well. My roommate is very very anxious about covid so I have to be cognizant of her comfort zone as well when meeting new people. Plus, the weather is cold and everything is closed! Not much we could get out and do, and I'm definitely not inviting him into my home before knowing him well.

Yes, this is what I'm worried about as well...I've found in my pandemic dating experiences thus far that many people (especially men) just really really really do not like to FaceTime, especially with someone they don't know well yet. The few guys I have locked down for a FaceTime date so far have actually commented during the date that they thought it was weird when I asked and they did not really want to do it lol (but they did it anyway because they knew that's the only way I'd feel comfortable meeting with them in person later on). I completely understand that hesitation and am willing to be flexible with it, but it's hard because I also don't want to get emotionally invested by texting for months then find out it wasn't genuine or the connection isn't there in person, etc. Maybe I just need to communicate that to him and we can reach a compromise.

Since you have verified he is who he says he is, pics, job, career all check out, may I ask what a video call would do that a phone call would not? 

He may be anxious and feel awkward like me (and many others), and afraid he will not be his true self over video and be negatively judged because of it.  

It's nerve-wracking enough meeting in person after chatting on line for awhile, I was so anxious to meet my fiance after chatting for two weeks, I almost cancelled the meet!!

Thank goodness he didn't pressure me to FT prior because I know I either would have cancelled, or if I agreed to it, turned him off by my discomfort and anxiety. 

Just my own thoughts about and possible that's what he is feeling as well? 

Can you ask him?  Have an honest and open dialogue about it?

The anxiety is not that much different from being camera shy. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

Pull way back on the texting.

[Versacehottie]

Your story doesn't sound that bad except the one thing that stood out to me that in my experience is the sign of a bad boyfriend (to-be) or friend or person in your life--in which case it sounds really bad. People that dodge things the way he did...that's typically a pattern that will continue in the way they address everything they don't want to discuss or say no to or negotiate.   It's hard in your case because it's a new person so you want to give him the benefit of the doubt or that it might not be easy to convey to you, a new person in his life, what he's afraid or doesn't want to do.  Video chats or FT with people you don't know can definitely be awkward---but he's taking you kind of for a fool straight away with "i've got something to do" but then texting with you throughout the night so it's definitely that he is avoiding these video calls.  

Did he tell you he lives with his mom or did you figure it out from his social media?  Maybe he doesn't want her to hear him.  I think though if you are getting the concept that I'm trying to say, the bigger problem will not be getting him to talk to you on a video chat or FT but that when he doesn't want to do something, or come clean, this is how he manages it.  

Completely agree with Wiseman, stop texting so much anyway though. Good luck

Edited December 7, 2020 by Versacehottie

[levin78]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Since you have verified he is who he says he is, pics, job, career all check out, may I ask what a video call would do that a phone call would not? 

He may be anxious and feel awkward like me (and many others), and afraid he will not be his true self over video and be negatively judged because of it.  

It's nerve-wracking enough meeting in person after chatting on line for awhile, I was so anxious to meet my fiance after chatting for two weeks, I almost cancelled the meet!!

Thank goodness he didn't pressure me to FT prior because I know I either would have cancelled, or if I agreed to it, turned him off by my discomfort and anxiety. 

Just my own thoughts about and possible that's what he is feeling as well? 

Can you ask him?  Have an honest and open dialogue about it?

The anxiety is not that much different from being camera shy. 

I am flexible and completely open to a phone call! I suppose I just feel shot down that he doesn't seem interested in actually "meeting" me. 

I think asking him is a good idea. Based on the conversations we've already had and the kinds of questions he's asked me, he seems open to communicating and I think I'd feel comfortable asking him. 

Thanks for your perspective!

31 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Your story doesn't sound that bad except the one thing that stood out to me that in my experience is the sign of a bad boyfriend (to-be) or friend or person in your life--in which case it sounds really bad. People that dodge things the way he did...that's typically a pattern that will continue in the way they address everything they don't want to discuss or say no to or negotiate.   It's hard in your case because it's a new person so you want to give him the benefit of the doubt or that it might not be easy to convey to you, a new person in his life, what he's afraid or doesn't want to do.  Video chats or FT with people you don't know can definitely be awkward---but he's taking you kind of for a fool straight away with "i've got something to do" but then texting with you throughout the night so it's definitely that he is avoiding these video calls.  

Did he tell you he lives with his mom or did you figure it out from his social media?  Maybe he doesn't want her to hear him.  I think though if you are getting the concept that I'm trying to say, the bigger problem will not be getting him to talk to you on a video chat or FT but that when he doesn't want to do something, or come clean, this is how he manages it.  

Completely agree with Wiseman, stop texting so much anyway though. Good luck

Yes this is a good point. He could've easily said "Hey yeah I want to meet you but I'd feel more comfortable with a video call after we've texted a bit longer" or "I don't feel super comfortable FaceTiming with my mom around" or literally anything other than a flimsy excuse, so I suppose that may be the red flag here.

He was open about living with his mom, this isn't something I found out on my own. I think if I was living with my parents I wouldn't want to be doing video dates where they could potentially hear me so I could understand that. But that being said, I also probably wouldn't be engaging on online dating if I knew I wasn't open to meeting in person OR video calls, because what's the point then? And if I did I definitely wouldn't be acting as though I'm looking to get into a serious relationship as it would be for pure entertainment. 

I think I'm gonna give him the week and see what happens, ask one more time if he'd be open to a video/phone call, openly ask him what's up if he dodges it again, then be done if he isn't open to talking about it/explaining it and potentially compromising. 

[MsJayne]

Maybe there's other people around and he doesn't want them overhearing his private conversations, and that could be his mum or his best mate, or it could be the most recent woman he's met on date site that he's stringing along for sex and she's turned up two minutes before he was going to call you. Face-timing is invasive of personal space and not everyone likes it,  and I'm a good example. Answering a text or two is fine, but when someone wants to have a big long convo it's just annoying if I'm busy or not in the mood, even more so if I've got to hold the 'phone up to my face for however long.  It could be many reasons and, if you're really interested and sure he's legit, it's only been a week, so pushing for more intimate contact is possibly coming across as a bit demanding.  The other possibility is that he has a hump and spends his weekends ringing the church bells. 

[Versacehottie]

Do you know how long Covid is shutting down your area?  If you don't want to fully give up on him and don't want a pen pal (understandable), then slow down texting by a LOT and speak of meeting up in person when the shutdown is lifted.  Like in my area  (US-CA), it is on for 3 weeks starting today.  But in the majority of the US, I would guess, if you wanted to meet for an outside walk, I'm sure you could do that.  (not suggesting that you do, only that you could).  I completely agree that some guy who signs up for online dating at this point but is hesitant on actually dating, especially if you are offering him the alternative of video chat for now.

I think directly asking why the next time he dodges the suggestion is a good idea.  I mean if you guys FaceTime, he could do that while on a walk in his neighborhood or in his car or whatever. It doesn't have to go on for hours, just a little while. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe there's other people around and he doesn't want them overhearing his private conversations, and that could be his mum or his best mate, or it could be the most recent woman he's met on date site that he's stringing along for sex and she's turned up two minutes before he was going to call you. Face-timing is invasive of personal space and not everyone likes it,  and I'm a good example. Answering a text or two is fine, but when someone wants to have a big long convo it's just annoying if I'm busy or not in the mood, even more so if I've got to hold the 'phone up to my face for however long.  It could be many reasons and, if you're really interested and sure he's legit, it's only been a week, so pushing for more intimate contact is possibly coming across as a bit demanding.  The other possibility is that he has a hump and spends his weekends ringing the church bells. 

Hilarious! (bolded)

I totally agree about the reasons and preference not to video chat.  The only thing is, which is back on the OP to manage, is he is already monopolizing her time (or vice versa, she his as well).  So in a way, his presence in her life is already taking up a ton of space like they are closer or have a more realistic dating thing going on, so I think it's normal progression, even though it's only been a week, to FaceTime.  

The real solution in the meantime is to not let him monopolize so much of your time, OP, especially if you don't want a "chat pal" or someone who is alleviating his boredom by being on dating apps.  I would recommend that anyway, so the dates themselves, presuming you will get to those eventually are lackluster or fail to be as exciting as these initial good feelings from texts pinging are.

[vla1120]

I've had people ask me to video chat and I hate doing it just because I am self-conscious. I never thought about the fact that it could be misconstrued and someone could think I'm not who I really say, or have something to hide, etc. I guess I'll have to try to get over being self-conscious about it!

[smackie9]

You know it wouldn't surprise me this is a scam. The intensity of the texting, the avoidance of a FT, or even a phone call...it's only been texting, and it's daily and in afternoons to early morning hours...somewhere else in the world it's morning going into the afternoon.  Remember scammers hijack people's identity...their social media, photos, etc. they patrol the dating sites for lonely people.Sometimes they work their victims for weeks to months before they start asking for funds...they make sure the victim is so in love/hooked they lose all sense of common sense. Keep your feelings in check, and be suspicious. If it seems way too good to be true then it is.

Edited December 7, 2020 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, levin78 said:

 

I met this guy online last week. we’ve been texting nonstop for almost a week now. Sometimes all afternoon until late at night like 1 or 2 am.

This is a much bigger red flag. Stop texting this much and building false intimacy. Are you social  media friends or have you looked him up? You seem quite focused that he lives at home, however, he must have his own room (unless his gf is also living there)?

[Miss Spider]

RED FLAG

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MsJayne]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You know it wouldn't surprise me this is a scam. The intensity of the texting, the avoidance of a FT, or even a phone call...it's only been texting, and it's daily and in afternoons to early morning hours...somewhere else in the world it's morning going into the afternoon.  Remember scammers hijack people's identity...their social media, photos, etc. they patrol the dating sites for lonely people.Sometimes they work their victims for weeks to months before they start asking for funds...they make sure the victim is so in love/hooked they lose all sense of common sense. Keep your feelings in check, and be suspicious. If it seems way too good to be true then it is.

Very relevant point. They also lure the target by asking lots of questions, which appears to be extreme interest but is actually their method of fishing for info on potential passwords etc,  like pets names, kids names, birth date, street number, etc.  

[curlygirl40]

I would definitely  be more worried about all of the serious conversations you've had and the constant texting within such a short period of time.  Seems off to me.   The type of stuff you would save for after you've really clicked with someone in person.

Something I don't think I've seen anyone else mention, if you have a smart phone (as I'm sure he does) you can FT in your car.   You don't have to be in the same room with your mother.   So if he really wanted to get to know you, he could hop in the car and go down the street and you could chat.   So this to me is not a valid reason.  

Maybe he is worried that you will find him awkward or something or afraid he doesn't come across the same as he does in person.  Maybe he video chatted with another girl and then she stopped talking to him and he's afraid that will happen with you and that if you just wait to meet him in person, you will be smitten.    

I do think this is a red flag of sorts but I would slow down the texting and wait to see what he does in the next week or so.   

It might be a month or two (or more!) before you feel comfortable getting together in person, this is a long time to be only texting with someone before meeting.   

Good luck