New guy doesn't flirt back- red flag?

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Tell him to stop texting you every morning.

That's too intimate for your relationship with him so far. Frequency of contact should be based on "closeness." This guy is just a fly who came through the door for all you know. He doesn't merit contact with you everyday. And it's a bit of a red flag that he's doing that. He might be socially awkward or inexperienced--which can be fine--but if so, he needs you to guide him. 

Texting frequently at the start of a relationship (or dating)  is terrible for this very reason--people use it to push or try to push a relationship beyond what it is!

This^^.

[SumGuy]

18 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I started talking to this guy a couple of weeks ago. We are both in our early 30’s. He’s in the armed forces, I work in education so we’ve both got busy lives.

We have had 2 video dates and are meeting IRL next week. He is eager to plan the date well, wants to take me out for a nice meal. He texts me good morning etc every day too. So positive signs from this angle, but..

An issue I have noticed is that there is no flirting at all. And the couple of times that I have tried to flirt, he doesn’t respond to it or might change the subject. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable, almost as though he’s not that attracted to me. If that’s the case I’d rather not pursue this anymore.

Is it usually a red flag when a guy does this? 

 A red flag on compatibility in my book.   His response is so the opposite of mine.

[babybrowns]

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses so far. It is helping! 

So in terms of when I’ve tried to flirt, I can give the example of when I asked if he’d be happy to cook for me one day since he likes cooking. He was welcome to it and said non-soldiers are allowed, but perhaps not overly excited about me coming to his digs. I know we’ve not met IRL yet but this guy is talking about the future with already- “I’d love to spend a lot of time during my days off this month getting to know you if that’s ok” a bit soon for me personally but will see what happens 

One thing that is a bit of a red flag is that although he asks me how has my day gone every day, it’s the only question he asks me when we’re not on video chat. In my experience, when a guy isn’t that fussed about getting to know you they’re after the physical..but then again, yes I want to play this out till our IRL date next week and then see. 

 

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by babybrowns

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses so far. It is helping! 

So in terms of when I’ve tried to flirt, I can give the example of when I asked if he’d be happy to cook for me one day since he likes cooking. He was welcome to it and said non-soldiers are allowed, but perhaps not overly excited about me coming to his digs. I know we’ve not met IRL yet but this guy is talking about the future with already- “I’d love to spend a lot of time during my days off this month getting to know you if that’s ok” a bit soon for me personally but will see what happens 

One thing that is a bit of a red flag is that although he asks me how has my day gone every day, it’s the only question he asks me when we’re not on video chat. In my experience, when a guy isn’t that fussed about getting to know you they’re after the physical..but then again, yes I want to play this out till our IRL date next week and then see. 

 

 

I feel like a red flag referee because i have to keep throwing them at you. 

Red flags I've noticed from your posts about him. 

1. The daily 'good morning' texts that you both engage in. Total lack of boundaries. You are still complete strangers. You should not be doing this. 

2. Future talk with you. Future talk is a well-known manipulation that all men use in the beginning when they just want to keep the woman as an option, or second choice. They use it to hook her emotionally, in case their first choice is no longer available. A tried and true method that works on women with weak boundaries. 

3. He is overdosing you on romance through his suggestions. Suggestions are not facts. 

4. Your attempts to flirt with him before you've even met him in person make you look like an easy conquest to him. 

5. The back and forth texting between you both is creating a false intimacy that you are both responsible for doing. 

6. You are already emotionally hooked on him, your guard is 100% down, and you're ok with "seeing what happens." So you've already given away all of your power and you have no boundaries set in place for him to respect. Or you would stop all the in-between texting b/c that is not true intimacy or real communication. You are still just two complete strangers with each other. Whatever he tells you and vice versa, is just text. It's not reality. 

I think you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. You are already giving him a lot of outs, despite his red flag behavior, and despite your own red flag behavior, which you don't acknowledge which is a bad sign that you are lax on having any standards or boundaries with him. That's not good. 
 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

babybrowns, you said our posts are helping, how so?  Are you acknowledging ALL the red flags most of us have alerted you too?

Dial things back if and until you meet IRL?  It doesn't appear you plan to which is why I'm asking.  

Please read Watercolors last post.  

Based on all you've written, I'm sorry but I don't envision things working out well for you.

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

Whoa..... Whoa now....

Cart............................ Horse

I'd just relax until you meet in person. That changes everything. 

[Maldives]

Your reading into it too much 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Your reading into it too much 

Agree. You're complaining about "not being flirty enough" in the same sentence as complaining "he's only after sex"🤔.

Try to get a handle on your anxiousness.

It's as simple as waiting until you meet to determine what you want and if you want to continue with him.

Relationships are not built through text questions.

 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relationships are not built through text questions.

Except that so many people try to justify that relationships indeed are built on text questions. 

Now, before they even meet each other, complete strangers add each other to their sm accounts and pretend to be building intimacy with each other. Then they delete that person after meeting IN person. All that online communication before meeting...for nothing. Why do people invest in nothing? When they should wait and invest in something after they meet in person? 

Aye, there's the rub. Or, the text as it t'were. 

I think we should all throw away our cellphones and go back to life when all we had were wall phones. Ah, the simple life. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Watercolors

[Miss Spider]

Just wow @ theories in this thread. Very interesting. I must say I am surprised that he hasn’t been armchair diagnosed a sociopath or cerebral narcissist by anyone yet.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 I am surprised that he hasn’t been armchair diagnosed a sociopath or cerebral narcissist by anyone yet.  

Maybe he has an ingrown toenail  👣, that diagnosis would best explain why "he's not flirty enough" and "he's probably just after sex"

[Calmandfocused]

Holy moly! 
 

Give this guy a break! What’s he done? Sent some good morning texts, hasn’t flirted with the op, and has said some tongue in cheek stuff about what he wants to do with op in the future. Let’s be real here and not castigate someone from the offset. 
 

Op I think you (and your date) are getting a super hard time here. No human being is expected to be perfect. 
 

My advice is go on your date, see if you like him (and vice versa) and take it from there. 
 

Good luck and let us know what happens. 

[poppyfields]

I suppose at the end of day, it's subjective.  Some will view daily good morning texts and future talk before meeting IRL as a red flag (or simply a turn off as I do) and some won't.  I think that's all we are doing, providing our own opinions about it, not armchair diagnosing.  

OP, there is no right or wrong.  Just do what you're comfortable doing (or not doing) and let chips fall where they may.  It's all a risk anyway.

Good luck and keep us posted!  

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

OMG.

They haven't even met and there are "red flags" and strongly worded posts telling her not to even meet the guy.

We know nothing about him, nor anything about what she has done to initiate flirting.  It's within the realm of possibility that what she thinks is flirting is actually ambiguous and that's why he has not reciprocated.

As for him texting "good morning," I am in the camp that would prefer if the guy did not do this, but I don't think the fact that he does it makes him the next Ted Bundy, either.  Yes, maybe he's trying to create a false sense of intimacy.  But also... maybe he just isn't skilled and thinks this is a good way to maintain contact until they meet.

Bottom line:  go on the date and see how you feel about him when you are both actually together in person!

[Ruby Slippers]

8 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I must say I am surprised that he hasn’t been armchair diagnosed a sociopath or cerebral narcissist by anyone yet.  

😂 seriously

[poppyfields]

I'm so confused now.  Has it not always been advised on LS to not get caught up in protracted text messaging that involve future talk, daily good morning texts, etc before meeting IRL?

That it creates a sort of false intimacy that has the potential of blowing up when you meet IRL?

If there are any "red flags" which I'm not even sure is the correct terminology, it's on both sides as they are creating this sort of "false intimacy" together.  

Not him specifically, but both.  

Now for me, daily good morning texts and talk of the future prior to meet were always a turn off.  Guy doesn't know me and therefore disingenuous and contrived. 

Something some men like to do to pull women, and as Lotsgoingon said, not appropriate to the level of genuine intimacy established at that point in time, prior to meet.

JMO and experience about that.  No doubt others will have their own experiences and their opinions will come from that place.  

Good morning texts are not necessarily flirty but to me at least seem phony prior to meet, again guy has never met me.  

No one has diagnosed him as anything from what I read.  And no red flags per se.  Perhaps just a "warning" to not become invested prior to meet based on talks of a future or good morning rituals which are best done after you meet, click and begin dating.  JMO.

Go meet him and have fun!  Keep expectations in check.  

And let us know how it went!  

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree she should meet the guy and see how it goes. I don't agree that not flirting via text and phone before they've even met is any kind of red flag. I think it's smart, and it would be refreshing to me not to have innuendo coming at me from a perfect stranger.

[flitzanu]

10 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Just wow @ theories in this thread. Very interesting. I must say I am surprised that he hasn’t been armchair diagnosed a sociopath or cerebral narcissist by anyone yet.  

HE'S ABSOLUTELY A NARCISSIST, DUH!

 

😂

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree she should meet the guy and see how it goes. I don't agree that not flirting via text and phone before they've even met is any kind of red flag. I think it's smart, and it would be refreshing to me not to have innuendo coming at me from a perfect stranger.

I think flirting and playful banter prior to meet is fine.  It reflects an attraction at least on line, hopefully that attraction will translate to IRL once you meet.

My fiance and I chatted for two weeks prior to meet.  There was tons of flirting which we both viewed as what it was, fun playful banter/flirt, nothing more, nothing less.  We both understood it could all change once we met IRL.

What he did not do was text me "good morning" every day like a boyfriend wouid or talk about the future, like a boyfriend wouid or even just a man I'm dating IRL.

It was totally premature as we both understood that everything could change once we met.

Re OP's guy doint this, it might be viewed by some as a red flag, depending on what his intentions are for doing.

I don't, it was the wrong terminology.  More just something to be aware of and cautioned about to avoid becoming too invested prior to your meeting IRL and having it all blow up once you meet.

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd have more of an issue with too much flirting before meeting than a daily good morning text. My style and the style of men I click best with is that we're very selective, and once we find someone who seems to have potential, we generally stop looking for anybody else until we can meet and see what's up. So generally when I make a good connection online, he stays in touch every day until we meet. The caveat is that we meet as soon as possible to see if there's any potential. Dragging out the communication for too long before meeting is not a good use of time, as you generally don't know much of anything till you meet. Most online daters figure this out eventually.

[Miss Spider]

@poppyfields 

An offhand remark on how they would like to get to know someone more down the road is not what I’d call “future faking”. And how is saying “good morning“ each day until you meet  creating a “false sense of intimacy”?  Reminds  reminds me of someone who said “merry Xmas” was trying to get into their life. It’s just a nice/low effort  sentiment. Guys who are inexperienced or very “old-fashioned”/“chivalrous” do this often as well. Actually, inexperienced correlates more with the not flirting at all part. Just don’t get why people seem to jump to the conclusion that this guy is rubbing his hands together slowly with an evil grin behind his screen, with just the information provided. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'd have more of an issue with too much flirting before meeting than a daily good morning text. My style and the style of men I click best with is that we're very selective, and once we find someone who seems to have potential, we generally stop looking for anybody else until we can meet and see what's up. So generally when I make a good connection online, he stays in touch every day until we meet. The caveat is that we meet as soon as possible to see if there's any potential. Dragging out the communication for too long before meeting is not a good use of time, as you generally don't know much of anything till you meet. Most online daters figure this out eventually.

That's cool Ruby to each her own, right? 

My fiance and I were both selective and had developed a connection on line as well.

He specifically had a history of rushing into things too fast, too soon, with the daily good morning rituals etc so was careful to not let that happen again. 

So he (we) paced it out, and I was glad he did!  We did flirt and banter quite a bit, nothing sexual or inappropriate.

Occasionally he wouid email me good morning with a memo or song but it was not a daily thing where if he stopped, I'd be wondering why and questioning.  As women are prone to do if/when a guy is unable to keep up that daily ritual and pace..

Plus, knowing myself I get bored with same ole, same ole, routine, just me. 😲 

I suppose for us it was managing expectations prior to meet, less pressure, which I found was more conducive to connecting during the meet/date. 

So it worked for us!  

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Sorry for bad grammar/punctuation. I am using voice to text on my phone.