Hmm. my issue or his?

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

But I feel like even if you play games, super interested guys will still stick around and put up with them. It’s very hard to deter an interested man. 

Sure, they're Interested.  But in what, the woman playing games?  Or the challenge, the chase? 

In my experience it's the latter.  And once the games stop and she starts indicating real interest, he's off chasing another game player.

Like attracts like = Game players attract game players.  

Any man who chooses to hang around chasing a woman playing "chase me" or whatever games are men no woman seeking a long term committed relationship shouid be dating.  

That said, Lilia did admit to being an "anxious avoidant" so nothing will change unless and until she wants it to and seeks help for it.

Edited December 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Sure, they're Interested.  But in what, the woman playing games?  Or the challenge, the chase? 

In my experience it's the latter.  And once the games stop and she starts indicating real interest, he's off chasing another game player.

Like attracts like = Game players attract game players.  

Any man who chooses to hang around chasing a woman playing "chase me" or whatever games are men no woman seeking a long term committed relationship shouid be dating.  

That said, Lilia did admit to being an "anxious avoidant" so nothing will change unless and until she wants it to and seeks help for it.

Going to have to disagree.Some of the guys are interested in games. But some are just very interested in the woman. I don’t think like attracts like all the time.
many times it is actually the opposite. Actually, my sweetest and most genuine  friends that never play games have attracted a lot of players or worse. Also, many men who don’t understand games don’t really read a woman’s games as games either, especially if she is pretty adept at them. They see it as she is just not that into him and when has that roadblock ever stopped a very interested guy? 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

I hope it works out for you, OP

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 I don’t think like attracts like all the time. Actually, my sweetest and much genuine  friends who never play games attract a lot of players or worse. Also many men don’t really read a woman’s games as games either, especially if she is pretty adept at them. They see it as she is just not that into him and when has that roadblock ever stopped a very interested guy? 

Bolded, I agree with you about that.  Fair point.

I dunno shortskirts, I encountered this so much when dating, I really have nothing good to say about men (and women) who either play such BS games or are too obtuse to not see through such games and dump.  Apologies if that sounds judgy, but I found it ridiculous.

For men, those absurd PUA websites and I s'pose for women, the equivalent.

I do give Lilia credit for owning her issues (anxious avoidant, fear of vulnerability) and recognizes how it impacts her behavior, and hopefully seek help for it.

But fair point re like attracts like, I agree with you, thanks.

Edited December 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[basil67]

The kind of guy who will stick around during these games is either a game player himself or desperate.   A solid guy who has self worth and wants the same in a woman isn't going to stick around.  

[Miss Spider]

Yeah I’m sure some guys are attracted to the game itself , but not always. My point was more how I think responders are being a bit extreme( often the case here) about OP’s behavior. Taking a while to answer a text being called “manipulative” is quite an amplification. If she’s just being  late with her texts and not being there and not initiating dates herself(after like 3? )I don’t think it’s that bad. I don’t think that’s enough for most rational men to stick a fork in it if he really likes her 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

The kind of guy who will stick around during these games is either a game player himself or desperate.   A solid guy who has self worth and wants the same in a woman isn't going to stick around.  

Agree and precisely my point.  Maybe since you said it, it will be taken seriously.

[Miss Spider]

I also want to say that he may be playing some games himself to protect his heart as well. This could be a very tricky situation, them being coworkers and all. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yeah I’m sure some guys are attracted to the game itself , but not always. My point was more how I think responders are being a bit extreme( often the case here) about OP’s behavior. Taking a while to answer a text being called “manipulative” is quite an amplification. If she’s just being  late with her texts and not being there and not initiating dates herself(after like 3? )I don’t think it’s that bad. I don’t think that’s enough for most rational men to stick a fork in it if he really likes her 

I dont think she's being manipulative at all.  By her own admission, she has some issues to sort through that result in some disingenuous and destructive (imo) behaviors, that's all.  

It's not uncommon. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I also want to say that he may be playing some games himself to protect his heart as well. This could be a very tricky situation, them being coworkers and all. 

That's exactly what I said too but got shot down for it!  

And yeah it's tricky!  Two people playing games to self-protect?

I wish them luck!  

[Miss Spider]

I don’t know. We start out vulnerable. I was bullied as a child so when I am in social situations with big groups(5+) I can seem withdrawn and it’s hard to speak up.  Some people still like me regardless of this front I put up. Yes, it is not the genuine me. It’s a wall I have up. Some people are willing to try a little bit more to befriend me. It’s not about the challenge or being desperate. They are just a little bit more patient and willing to see if I open up because there might be something below the surface. I think that is what you and the OP when she says that she needs the “right guy”. (?) 
 

Who shot down your opinions, poppy. Do i need to smack a bish. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Who shot down your opinions, poppy. Do i need to smack a bish. 

Lol, nah it's okay my friend, I can hold my own.

[Miss Spider]

No doubt, but you know I’ll always hold your earrings

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t know. We start out vulnerable. I was bulls a child so when I am in social situations with big groups(5+) I can seem withdrawn and it’s hard to speak up.  Some people still like me regardless of this front I put up. Yes, it is not the genuine me. It’s a wall I have up. Some people are willing to try a little bit more to befriend me. They are not into the games of getting my wall down or desperate. They are just a little bit more patient and willing to see if I open up.I think that is what you and the OP when she says that she needs the “right guy”. (?) 

That is entirely different.  What you describe is a sort of social anxiety due to being bullied, it wasn't game playing, was it?  Chase me, jealousy games?  

You had a fear of dropping your guard, and rightfully so, it doesn't sound disingenuous or destructive to me.  Or intentional, which games are. 

And yes any man interested in you will recognize that and try harder to make you feel comfortable and drop your guard.

It's an entirely different thing from what's happening here imo.

I'm sorry you experienced that!  Now I want to smack a bish!

Edited December 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That is entirely different.  What you describe is a sort of social anxiety due to being bullied, it wasn't game playing, was it?  Chase me, jealousy games?  

You had fear of dropping your guard, and rightfully so, it doesn't sound disingenuous or destructive to me.

And yes any man interested in you will recognize that and try harder to make you feel comfortable and drop your guard.

It's an entirely different thing from what's happening here imo.

I'm sorry you experienced that!  

No, it wasn’t a game where I was trying to up or test their interest. I just felt  like a similar principle applied in that I was purposefully putting up roadblocks so I wouldn’t be forced to socialize. I would tell them I needed to go do something else or talk to someone else to avoid the situation sometimes. And it wasn’t just men.  It was a lot of women to who would go out of their way to befriend me even though I wasn’t showing much reciprocation at first. It was hard and very draining to socialize with people because I was micro-managing how I came across to them (in order for them to like me, I suppose). This would also apply sometimes to guys I was romantically interested in. I would purposefully avoid them out of shyness too. But a person is more than just the wall that they put up. It does block out/change a lot of your personality, but there were instances I would be myself. 

But thanks ! Yeah I have largely worked through my issues of social anxiety. I am in a really big zoom group and five speeches often! 
 

I would never recommend anyone play games or leave any issues that they have with the managerial part of their psyche unresolved. There are a lot of problems that stem from it. You are right you could attract people that are not really interested in the real you at all because often are showing it, so it could be for the challenge. Plus, it’s exhausting. It does take  a lot of work to get through those barriers.

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lotsgoingon]

Shortskirts, you were putting up road blocks because that's how you were at the time. Very different from deliberately playing games. Body language is so subtle. Very very subtle, but there's a difference between being shy or having social anxiety on the one hand and deliberately playing games on the other. Huge, I think. And I think people can often pick up the difference.

You might have also subtly come back and done repairs and opened up the next time you saw the people you had been distant with. Still very different from deliberately playing games.

 

 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Shortskirts, you were putting up road blocks because that's how you were at the time. Very different from deliberately playing games. Body language is so subtle. Very very subtle, but there's a difference between being shy or having social anxiety on the one hand and deliberately playing games on the other. Huge, I think. And I think people can often pick up the difference.

You might have also subtly come back and done repairs and opened up the next time you saw the people you had been distant with. Still very different from deliberately playing games.

Guess you hadn't read the subsequent posts when posting this.

But yeah it's entirely different from intentionally playing games, which shortskirts acknowledged.  

Edited December 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Very very subtle, but there's a difference between being shy or having social anxiety on the one hand and deliberately playing games ... And I think people can often pick up the difference.

Still very different from deliberately playing games.

 

 

Can you explain how from the perspective of the other  person(so affects their actions) these would seem different? I would ignore /put off answering texts because answering gave me anxiety vs “playing games”? The action (purposefully ignoring a text) and at initial motivation (op said she’s scared)is the same. The purpose is different, but unless you told the person exactly why you were ignoring it, it would just be a guess. My experience is that most people don’t put nearly as much thought into why a text is a little late  as we think they do...People that come to LS tend to be a little more introspective/analytical than average. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 there's a difference between being shy or having social anxiety on the one hand and deliberately playing games on the other. Huge, I think. And I think people can often pick up the difference.

If I was dating someone with a view to a relationship and was receiving road blocks, I can't see that the cause for the road blocks really matters.   Whether they be facing internal challenges or just game playing, the end result of them not meeting my needs remains the same.     Or me not meeting their needs If I'm the one with issues.

You're either into me, responsive and engaged or you're not.  If you're in, that's great.  If you're not, then you're done.   

[Lotsgoingon]

Not all nervousness is off putting. I happen to deal with public speaking as part of my job, and one of the core findings of public speaking is that what terrifies the speakers--the idea of being fall-out nervous--barely registers, if at all, with the audience. The audience can distinguish nervous from unprepared, huge difference. In lots of social encounters people do NOT pay attention to nervousness. 

I once saw a close friend interviewed on television. I thought he was a "a little stiff." Of course, he's totally informal and silly with me .... Well he later told me he was "terrified" during the tv interview. I've known this person all my life. Could only barely tell he was nervous.

I've been nervous in all my job interviews, I assume. But there was only one where I truly bombed and that interview bombed because I couldn't give good answers to the sophisticated questions that the interviewers posed to me. In that case, I got flustered and less articulate, but it was because I couldn't answer their question in any real way. So the problem there wasn't my nervousness. It's that I didn't have good answers to the questions. Which, later I realized meant that I was then not ready for that particular job. 

Everybody is nervous on a date. If you're not at all nervous, then you don't really like the person much. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yea I agree. It might be a dealbreaker for one person, but it’s certainly not for person. No one I’ve met to my knowledge...

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Everybody is nervous on a date. If you're not at all nervous, then you don't really like the person much. 

Granted, it's been a long time since I last dated, but I can't recall ever being nervous on a first date.   If one is secure in themselves, what is there to be nervous about?   Either we fit or we don't.  

That said, I've probably blown a job interview or two for being over confident.

Edited December 11, 2020 by basil67

[Lilia1099]

7 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea, you’re playing it too cool. Need to ease up a little. I feel like even if you play games, super interested guys will still stick around and put up with them. It’s very hard to deter an  interested man. Try your best to knock the wall down. I think people are being a little harsh. You didn’t do anything horrible to him.   You guys still talking/made plans? 

Thank you.

I agree.

I played it too cool and recognised the flower thing was childish.

It’s so hard as my country is in lockdown so the only option we have is to see each other at home, which is still technically not allowed.

We have made plans for next week but what I worry is because we can’t date atm, we will just keep hooking up as we have nowhere to go etc.

 

[Lilia1099]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t know. We start out vulnerable. I was bullied as a child so when I am in social situations with big groups(5+) I can seem withdrawn and it’s hard to speak up.  Some people still like me regardless of this front I put up. Yes, it is not the genuine me. It’s a wall I have up. Some people are willing to try a little bit more to befriend me. It’s not about the challenge or being desperate. They are just a little bit more patient and willing to see if I open up because there might be something below the surface. I think that is what you and the OP when she says that she needs the “right guy”. (?) 
 

Who shot down your opinions, poppy. Do i need to smack a bish. 

Sorry to hear about your past.

I am similar in a sense of putting up walls, a lot of the above resonated with me.

I understand my own issues need to be fixed first, but finding the right guy will be helpful as it may not exacerbate some of it.

I am finding any guys who played games right back or made me have doubts essentially made me act out more. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lilia1099 said:

 I worry is because we can’t date atm, we will just keep hooking up as we have nowhere to go etc.

 

So what's the plan? Why can't you arrange dinner, movies,  at his/your place, whatever without the hookup?

Who's forcing you to have sex? Either you want hookups...or you don't. It's that simple.