Hmm. my issue or his?

[Caauug]

15 hours ago, Lilia1099 said:

I’m trying to navigate how to get around this now. Maybe give him space and let him decide if he wants to try?

Space?

Space is what you tell him you need, when you are done with him....

Space will give him time to get in contact with his next girl.

Space destroys relationships, but then again so does games, you know that now.

[poppyfields]

Lilia, you posted in your previous that men have always chased you, and that you enjoy that dynamic.  You're familiar with the game.

Well, allow me to caution you.  Men who continue to chase despite your resistence to be "caught," and/or testing their resolve by acting nonchalant and "cool" or attempting to elicit jealousy as you did with the flowers, are not interested in you, they are interested in the chase, the challenge.  

I urge you to learn the difference because unless you plan to play these silly games for the rest of your life, even when in a relationship, once you begin responding,  that same man who tried so hatd to "catch" you will be off and running to his next conquest.

Listen to men like salparadise, secure and confident, who would never tolerate such BS from a woman.  

Aren't you exhausted?  I used to play thst "cool girl" act too, I played that "chase me" game for SIX years with my ex, and yes he did chase me, even though we were in an exclusive relationship and living together! 

But he admitted he never felt he truly "had" me, and he enjoyed that dynamic, it inspired him!

But once I FINALLY agreed to marry him after 5.5 years of him nearly begging me, it all changed.  

Long story with many layers, but at the end I was utterly exhausted, depleted, emotionally drained from not only maintaining the "cool girl" facade for so many years, but to learn that his "love" was contingent upon me continuing to be this big "challenge" messed me up for a long time thereafter.  Like years. 

Please stay away from men who enjoy "chasing," and stop playing silly buggers. I've come to learn such men are emotionally void of any real substance or depth, I've also since learned my ex was a narcissist and sociopath.  

Be REAL, genuine.  You will attract much higher quality men that way.   Men who like you for you, not because you present this great challenge for them to "win" you.

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[notbroken]

Someone posted essentially that "it is your social media - post what you want".   Yes - you are absolutely free to post what you want.   However, actions have consequences.  The consequence of this one is that he thinks you have many suitors and he doesn't want to be one of the many.    You reap what you sow.   It will be hard to get him interested/committed now - and rightfully so honestly.   

[smackie9]

This has gone on for two pages when your solution is....never ever add a guy to any of your social media when you are not in an exclusive committed relationship ....PEEERRIOOOD!

[Lilia1099]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lilia, you posted in your previous that men have always chased you, and that you enjoy that dynamic.  You're familiar with the game.

Well, allow me to caution you.  Men who continue to chase despite your resistence to be "caught," and/or testing their resolve by acting nonchalant and "cool" or attempting to elicit jealousy as you did with the flowers, are not interested in you, they are interested in the chase, the challenge.  

I urge you to learn the difference because unless you plan to play these silly games for the rest of your life, even when in a relationship, once you begin responding,  that same man who tried so hatd to "catch" you will be off and running to his next conquest.

Listen to men like salparadise, secure and confident, who would never tolerate such BS from a woman.  

Aren't you exhausted?  I used to play thst "cool girl" act too, I played that "chase me" game for SIX years with my ex, and yes he did chase me, even though we were in an exclusive relationship and living together! 

But he admitted he never felt he truly "had" me, and he enjoyed that dynamic, it inspired him!

But once I FINALLY agreed to marry him after 5.5 years of him nearly begging me, it all changed.  

Long story with many layers, but at the end I was utterly exhausted, depleted, emotionally drained from not only maintaining the "cool girl" facade for so many years, but to learn that his "love" was contingent upon me continuing to be this big "challenge" messed me up for a long time thereafter.  Like years. 

Please stay away from men who enjoy "chasing," and stop playing silly buggers. I've come to learn such men are emotionally void of any real substance or depth, I've also since learned my ex was a narcissist and sociopath.  

Be REAL, genuine.  You will attract much higher quality men that way.   Men who like you for you, not because you present this great challenge for them to "win" you.

Thank you poppyfields, I really needed to hear this.

May I ask what eventually happened with you and your ex?

It seems almost identical to my last relationship, which was very intense. 
 

Started with the chasing, continued and went on for 2 years, then once I let my guard down we split!

I don’t want to go through it again.

I just feel like I keep meeting the same guys, enjoy the chase, then can’t even communicate my feelings properly. 

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This has gone on for two pages when your solution is....never ever add a guy to any of your social media when you are not in an exclusive committed relationship ....PEEERRIOOOD!

PERIODTTT!

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Lilia1099 said:

I just feel like I keep meeting the same guys, enjoy the chase, then can’t even communicate my feelings properly. 

You keep meeting the same types of emotionally unavailable men because you are emotionally unavailable to these men. It's like two negative batteries that push apart from each other.

You won't change your dating life until you change yourself. Your biggest hurdle is YOU. You choose not to communicate your feelings properly because you are comfortable that way and you view being emotionally vulnerable as weak and unattractive, correct?

The most secure couples are people who are emotionally vulnerable with each other, which means that they each possess high self-esteem, self-worth, and they don't equate external validation as necessary since they already believe in themselves internally.

If you want to meet a man who values you for YOU, you have to stop being so manipulative with them, which is your own way of self-preservation. it's your way to protect yourself from emotional rejection.

You start with yourself to change your dating life. You start by acknowledging that you have flaws, that you need to fix those flaws yourself, and its not the guy's job to fix you. Sorry for the directness, but if you don't change yourself, you'll never change the way these guys you chase see you.

 

[Pumaza]

You cant just asume.

I think you adult,so step to him,let him know you like him and ask why he got silent.

Ask directly questions. If he not into you,move on.

[Lotsgoingon]

You needed to reassure the dating guy right away ... which could have come in the next conversation. Heck if things were really hot with him, you would want to notify him ahead of time.

But this is a great lesson. I too would have walked. The only way I would have stayed around is if I was going through some intense insecurity. And lemme say this, the flowers would have been question #1 the next time I talked to you.

You just performed what's called a self-destructive action. If social media is that important to you, then own it. 

But yes, any guy with some real confidence .would absolutely think about going silent. Someone super confident and patient might have called you and immediately asked WTF? But maybe not. There's a chance the guy felt played--right? That you had a bf all along or nearby but you just didn't tell him. He's sitting somewhere feeling like a fool. 

You could have planned a better way to scare off a guy.  Literally. 

 

 

[Lilia1099]

Thanks for all the replies.

I have taken a lottt on board and I was childish and thoughtless.

However just to update, the conversation is now quite short between us. He is probably still pissed and I understand.

I just feel like I had doubts in my mind anyway, I wouldn’t feel as inclined to act this way and match his energy previously. I think he is playing games.

Ugh I’m so confused and tired, I think I may draw a line under this one.

We had 2 dates so my expectations of what come out of it were low as we also hooked up way too early, although I did choose to!

[elaine567]

How is he playing games?
You were the one playing games and now you are correct he IS probably pissed off and angry with you.
This has nothing to do with hooking up early, this is all on  you, playing "hard to get" and trying to make him jealous.
As he is your co worker and you now have to work with him, then you need to smooth the waters and that probably means you leave him alone and act professional whenever you do need to interact with him at work.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Lilia1099 said:

I just feel like I had doubts in my mind anyway, I wouldn’t feel as inclined to act this way and match his energy previously. I think he is playing games.

Did you really take on board what we've been saying in this thread?

Because the bolded strongly suggests you haven't. 

You're your own worst enemy in all of this. 

[Miss Spider]

You’re hooking up with your coworker and making him jealous on Snapchat ?

girl, i...

 *grabs popcorn*

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lilia1099 said:

However just to update, the conversation is now quite short between us. 

Unfortunately the conversations tapered down after the hookup.

It would be nice to believe that "playing it cool" or trying to get him jealous had an impact on him and "he got pissed".

This is a live and learn situation.

When someone had couple of dates/hookup and is basically uninterested, you could do nude cartwheels in front of him with zero impact.

This is one of those cases.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

If you have to, only communicate about work and put an embarrassing office hookup in the rear view mirror.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Pace yourself and your don't try to backpedal to evoke interest this time.

 

 

[Miss Spider]

I am inclined to go with Wiseman, but I think you should delude yourself by any means necessary to avoid feeling weird at work. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately the conversations tapered down after the hookup.

It would be nice to believe that "playing it cool" or trying to get him jealous had an impact on him and "he got pissed".

This is a live and learn situation.

When someone had couple of dates/hookup and is basically uninterested, you could do nude cartwheels in front of him with zero impact.

Possibly, however OP said the conversations did not taper down after they hooked up, they were same as they always were.  Barring once when they were both extremely busy. 

They tapered down after she uploaded the flowers to her social and he viewed it.  Which would suggest the flowers did bother him.  Not jealousy, more so that she was playing games and attempting to elicit jealousy = turn OFF. 

Or perhaps it's a little of both.  He was on the fence after the hookup and then her game playing threw him over the edge to disinterest.

Guys aren't stupid. They know when women are playing games just like women know when men play games. 

I am not sensing anger or that he's pissed off.  That would suggest he gives a shyt.

I dont think he does, I think he's turned off by OP's game playing and self-entitledness by testing his resolve and attempts to elicit insecurity so he will chase like all the chumps did before him.

Lilia, big lesson to be learned here.  Do not do crap like this if you want a good guy.  Most will see right through it as I suspect he did.

I think this is done.  Behave professionally at work and take this experience and lesson with you as you continue meeting men and dating.

Edited December 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lilia1099]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Possibly, however OP said the conversations did not taper down after they hooked up, they were same as they always were.  Barring once when they were both extremely busy. 

They tapered down after she uploaded the flowers to her social and he viewed it.  Which would suggest the flowers did bother him.  Not jealousy, more so that she was playing games and attempting to elicit jealousy = turn OFF. 

Or perhaps it's a little of both.  He was on the fence after the hookup and then her game playing threw him over the edge to disinterest.

Guys aren't stupid. They know when women are playing games just like women know when men play games. 

I am not sensing anger or that he's pissed off.  That would suggest he gives a shyt.

I dont think he does, I think he's turned off by OP's game playing and self-entitledness by testing his resolve and attempts to elicit insecurity so he will chase like all the chumps did before him.

Lilia, big lesson to be learned here.  Do not do crap like this if you want a good guy.  Most will see right through it as I suspect he did.

I think this is done.  Behave professionally at work and take this experience and lesson with you as you continue meeting men and dating.

Yes poppy you are correct.

Our conversations were fine after. He even text me an hour after we left! The conversations were literally the usual until I uploaded the Snapchat story of the flowers.

Tbh, I recognise it was childish but also I am very active on social media so it was not with full intent.

As it stands now, I have left him to it.

He responded to my last messsges being quite short, so I have not replied since.

I learnt my lesson, I’m still young and have some growing up to do I guess.

Fun times having to see him at work. Lol.

[PinkiePluto]

I don’t understand why you are making this so complicated. You had good conversations. Hooked up. Went on dates. If you want to explore more with him relationship wise, just tell him and stop playing games! I know Covid restrictions have put a hamper on things, so  you could try...
”Hey Mike, I enjoy our time together. Want to make dinner together, meet at the park, watch a movie at home, etc”

If he declines, oh well. At least you know where you stand. Although you may have burned the bridge at this point. Hopefully; you’ll apply this experience to your future. 
 

[Lilia1099]

I thought I would just post an update as I am going through responses. Thank you again, you are all very helpful, wise and frank!

So today he reached out and communicated he has been waiting for me to arrange another date as he did not know where he stood. 

This is pretty understandable given my behaviour etc.

I feel pretty relieved as I’m now working on my communication, behaviour etc.

I had no idea that men actually need women to be upfront.. I guess I’m clueless!

I will get back to him on the next date.

It has baffled me a bit as I thought guys actually LIKED to chase (to an extent!?)

It seems this guy wants more solid, open communication which is something I am not good at.

I guess my concern is now that’s where our incompatibility lies.. thoughts?

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lilia1099 said:

he reached out and communicated he has been waiting for me to arrange another date as he did not know where he stood. 

I will get back to him on the next date.

It seems this guy wants more solid, open communication which is something I am not good at.

No sure what this means? You haven't responded yet?

That is not about "open communication", that is about procrastination, game playing and basically bad manners.

Why wouldn't you reply to people's communication in a timely fashion? Do you work with other people? Can you blow them off for days, hours, weeks? 

I don't know...."I'll get back to them if/when I feel like it" comes off sort of arrogant. Sorry this would be a deal breaker. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

The “incompatibility” might be that you like to play games too much. His comment seems to imply he doesn’t even know if you like him enough. If you like someone , you need to show interest. If you want to see him again, pick a day! It’s not that hard. 

[elaine567]

35 minutes ago, Lilia1099 said:

I will get back to him on the next date

Why haven't you done it already?
You had time to post your update here, so why are you still playing games...

[Watercolors]

On 12/8/2020 at 10:16 AM, Lilia1099 said:

Yes poppy you are correct.

Our conversations were fine after. He even text me an hour after we left! The conversations were literally the usual until I uploaded the Snapchat story of the flowers.

Tbh, I recognise it was childish but also I am very active on social media so it was not with full intent.

As it stands now, I have left him to it.

He responded to my last messsges being quite short, so I have not replied since.

I learnt my lesson, I’m still young and have some growing up to do I guess.

Fun times having to see him at work. Lol.

But I don't believe you. I don't believe that you recognize your childish behavior. Because even after you and he spoke recently, you're still acting childish. You're still playing games. 

I don't think you've learned your lesson. You like playing games with men. 

40 minutes ago, Lilia1099 said:

I thought I would just post an update as I am going through responses. Thank you again, you are all very helpful, wise and frank!

So today he reached out and communicated he has been waiting for me to arrange another date as he did not know where he stood. 

This is pretty understandable given my behaviour etc.

I feel pretty relieved as I’m now working on my communication, behaviour etc.

I had no idea that men actually need women to be upfront.. I guess I’m clueless!

I will get back to him on the next date.

It has baffled me a bit as I thought guys actually LIKED to chase (to an extent!?)

It seems this guy wants more solid, open communication which is something I am not good at.

I guess my concern is now that’s where our incompatibility lies.. thoughts?

 

Of course it's understandable given your behavior that he doesn't know where he stands with you. You won't tell him where he stands. That's part of your game-playing behavior. 

Of course you know that men need women to be upfront. You're not clueless. You just don't seem to respect other people's feelings and then you act offended when people react upset to being manipulated by you. As though it's their issue, not yours. 

 

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No sure what this means? You haven't responded yet?

That is not about "open communication", that is about procrastination, game playing and basically bad manners.

Why wouldn't you reply to people's communication in a timely fashion? Do you work with other people? Can you blow them off for days, hours, weeks? 

I don't know...."I'll get back to them if/when I feel like it" comes off sort of arrogant. Sorry this would be a deal breaker. 

I agree. It's very bad manners to leave someone hanging and not respond to their communication. Especially since you work with him. Now that you two have slept together, if you don't smooth things over with him, you will make your work environment very toxic for you both. 

I agree with Wiseman. Your tone comes across very arrogant and entitled, as if, you have 5,000 FB friends and you manage them like they aren't real people with real feelings. 

I'll get back to them if/when I feel like it" is very disrespectful of other people's feelings. You surely can acknowledge that, can't you? It's quite obvious that is not a respectful way to treat people in general. 

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The “incompatibility” might be that you like to play games too much. His comment seems to imply he doesn’t even know if you like him enough. If you like someone , you need to show interest. If you want to see him again, pick a day! It’s not that hard. 

Agreed. 

Stop playing games and manipulating people's feelings the way that you have been. Especially your coworker whom this thread is about. Show him some respect and communicate directly to him how you feel about the situation. I don't know if your behavior stems from severe social anxiety, or, if you just like to manipulate people in general.

Some people are like that; they tend to "manage" people in a utilitarian way, as in, "What can this person do for me?" Some people with huge social circles manage people by having one-sided social relationships. The problem is, that most people expect two-sided reciprocal relationships, even with acquaintances. Based on your posts, to me, you appear to be someone who is quite comfortable having one-sided connections with people. I hope that's not the case, but your post makes me feel like you don't always take other people's feelings into account. 

And, don't sleep/mess around with men (esp. coworkers) and then ghost them. That's just not nice. You flaunted flowers from another admirer on your sm, to make your coworker jealous. But what happened was, he felt hurt, confused, and probably offended that you just threw him to the side without any follow up communication to him about your feelings. 

Take responsibility for your actions and stop acting aloof with him. He deserves to be treated with respect. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

On 12/7/2020 at 6:15 AM, poppyfields said:

Please stay away from men who enjoy "chasing," and stop playing silly buggers. I've come to learn such men are emotionally void of any real substance or depth...

Be REAL, genuine.  You will attract much higher quality men that way.   Men who like you for you, not because you present this great challenge for them to "win" you.

Lilia, I am posting the clip above for emphasis.  You have got to get yourself out of this "men enjoy chasing" mentality!!  

This has been your norm and you've been conditioned to it.  You intentionally play the game, and men chase. 

Problem is men who enjoy chasing do NOT enjoy it because they are interested in you, what they are interested in is the challenge all your games and strategies present.  And of course they will play games right back. It's one hell of a dynamic lemme tell ya.

In short they're idiots!   And no disrespect but perhaps you are as well.  I own that I was years back when I shared your mindset. 

Anyway, since you've never done, being "real" is going to take some substantial effort on your part.  And the ability to be vulnerable.

Start with this guy!  Respond back!  You wont die I promise!

Edited December 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lilia1099]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lilia, I am posting the clip above for emphasis.  You have got to get yourself out of this "men enjoy chasing" mentality!!  

This has been your norm and you've been conditioned to it.  You intentionally play the game, and men chase. 

Problem is men who enjoy chasing do NOT enjoy it because they are interested in you, what they are interested in is the challenge all your games and strategies present.  And of course they will play games right back. It's one hell of a dynamic lemme tell ya.

In short they're idiots!   And no disrespect but perhaps you are as well.  I own that I was years back when I shared your mindset. 

Anyway, since you've never done, being "real" is going to take some substantial effort on your part.  And the ability to be vulnerable.

Start with this guy!  Respond back!  You wont die I promise!

Poppy I am scared of being vulnerable which is partially where this stems from. I am confident in every aspect of my looks and career but being vulnerable with men makes me want to recoil! 
 

I worry that I will never be able to allow a guy to like me for me, and put all my cards on the table.

I am trying.