sunshine1189 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Hi, I started dating again after a few years (long story, but a guy I dated briefly a few years ago scared me enough to want to protect any guys I'd date in the future, so I stopped dating altogether), and it's a bit confusing. I guess because I never really had to pursue guys, initiate texts etc. I met a guy who meets my criterion and we have fun together. He hadn't dated anyone seriously in a long time either. I can tell he's shy about dating, and not very experienced. He's pretty easy to talk to, and thoughtful. With initially meeting so close to Thanksgiving, there was a hiatus in meeting again until this week. I just always wait for him to text me first. Some days he doesn't. I just wonder if I'm messing things up by not initiating much. Sometimes it seemed he "punished" me by waiting the exact amount of time I made him wait in my response. I do want to see about us becoming more consistent, but it's hard.... Any advice is appreciated.
basil67 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Some say that when dating, you should match the interest level the other is showing. Given that his responses seem to match yours, I'd say this is what he's doing. Question to you: Is your lack of initiating contact because you're not very interested? Or are you wanting him to chase you? Because if you're wanting him to chase, but he thinks you have low interest, the whole thing will crash and burn. If you are actually interested, increase your effort and see if he matches it. 1 1
SumGuy Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 My suggestion is to not play games with communication. Don't intentionally wait to respond, and don't be afraid to initiate. 4 1
Author sunshine1189 Posted December 5, 2020 Author Posted December 5, 2020 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: Some say that when dating, you should match the interest level the other is showing. Given that his responses seem to match yours, I'd say this is what he's doing. Question to you: Is your lack of initiating contact because you're not very interested? Or are you wanting him to chase you? Because if you're wanting him to chase, but he thinks you have low interest, the whole thing will crash and burn. If you are actually interested, increase your effort and see if he matches it. I don't really initiate (only did a few times with him) because I'm really shy and backwards about it, having been raised by my grandma who always said not too..I know, it's strange...just never learned to pursue men. I did say on my dating profile that I was shy and "tag, you're it" about messaging. He says he's an introvert, and I say that's why I always wait for him to initiate because I know he needs time to recharge. Also, he was out of town with his buddies over Thanksgiving and I didn't want to be a nag. I am interested, but it's just so hard to initiate. Also, I found out that the guy I dated previously (most likely) had logged in to my profile, and two different guys I talked to said they were banned. The subject of this post also mysteriously vanished from the dating site around the same time. But he didn't say anything about being banned. However, he knows in a general sense the kind of guy I'm dealing with and that I'm getting ready to get a new phone and number because of it.
ShakeShake Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Initiating a conversation by sending a message is not 'pursuing'. It's normal communication between two people who are interested in each other. You are making it to be a bigger issue than it needs to be. If you want to contact him for whatever reason, just do it. If he is interested in you, he won't see you as nagging but will be happy you reached out. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, sunshine1189 said: , I found out that the guy I dated previously (most likely) had logged in to my profile, and two different guys I talked to said they were banned. You need to change ALL your passwords on ALL your accounts and devices. Reset ALL your privacy settings in ALL your social media. Delete and block all dead weight and trouble makers from all your social media and messaging apps. What sites and posts are you talking about? what's up with these guys telling you they were banned? Don't let paranoia control things as far as your ex, weirdos hacking into your accounts and allegedly being "punished" for message response times. Edited December 5, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 1
Fletch Lives Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Men are people. You should text like you text a friend. A relationship is a friendship on fire. 2 1
d0nnivain Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 12 hours ago, sunshine1189 said: I just always wait for him to text me first. There is no more need for you to do that. I don't know how old your grandmother is but her advice is outdated. As late as 1973 women could not get a bank loan without a male co-signer. It's 2020. Women are now independent. Act like it. Being kind, open & friendly is not the same thing as being clingy or easy. It's just being nice & making it easier on the other person. Feel free to reach out or initiate communication. You don't have to fully take the laboring oar but stop sitting on your hands. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Don’t play games/time texts etc.That seems like more self defense mechanisms stemming from your bad relationship. People can usually sense when games are being played and often get annoyed/turned off by it. Text when you want, but make sure you busy yourself and focus enough on you and your life, so you’re not being a gnat or obsessive. Hope it works out. 1
dangerous Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 14 hours ago, SumGuy said: My suggestion is to not play games with communication. Don't intentionally wait to respond, and don't be afraid to initiate. This. 1
Beachead Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) @sunshine1189 18 hours ago, sunshine1189 said: Hi, I started dating again after a few years (long story, but a guy I dated briefly a few years ago scared me enough to want to protect any guys I'd date in the future, so I stopped dating altogether), and it's a bit confusing. I guess because I never really had to pursue guys, initiate texts etc. I met a guy who meets my criterion and we have fun together. He hadn't dated anyone seriously in a long time either. I can tell he's shy about dating, and not very experienced. He's pretty easy to talk to, and thoughtful. With initially meeting so close to Thanksgiving, there was a hiatus in meeting again until this week. I just always wait for him to text me first. Some days he doesn't. I just wonder if I'm messing things up by not initiating much. Sometimes it seemed he "punished" me by waiting the exact amount of time I made him wait in my response. I do want to see about us becoming more consistent, but it's hard.... Any advice is appreciated. People are always coming in with their own personal insecurities and problems which can affect how they are with you. Don't make any snap judgements as of yet. Give him the benefit of the doubt. It's still fairly early. My advice is if you want to talk to him, then talk to him and ask him if he wants to hang out. See what he does with your effort. If he's not interested, he'll continue to be passive and force you initiate conversations and plans. If he is interested, then you'll start noticing him reciprocating your effort and maybe even initiating more than you. But you'll get a much better idea of his interest levels once you do this. Give him a month, do this, and decide then. - Beach Edited December 5, 2020 by Beachead 1 1
basil67 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 17 hours ago, sunshine1189 said: He says he's an introvert, and I say that's why I always wait for him to initiate because I know he needs time to recharge. Also, he was out of town with his buddies over Thanksgiving and I didn't want to be a nag. Has he said anything about needing space from texting or meeting you? If not, don't assume anything about his needs. For example, I'm an introvert but my love language is quality time. I love spending time with my partner and never tire of him. It's everyone else I tire of. Let him tell you what he needs. Or better yet, ask. Also, if he can go out of town with his buddies, he can't be too introverted. 1 1
Chilli Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 19 hours ago, SumGuy said: My suggestion is to not play games with communication. Don't intentionally wait to respond, and don't be afraid to initiate. Yep exactly , Sounds like he thinks you are so he's playing them back. So much bullshyt all over the net now too on all this stuff can;t effg believe all the people out there take it all so seriously and do this kinda tit tat bs but it sounds like they do. Anyway if he's still about just be honest and real ,you gotta make an effort too. lf that doesn't pan out then it's probably kaput . 1
Author sunshine1189 Posted December 6, 2020 Author Posted December 6, 2020 It just seems that any time I initiate texting with him, he gets a power trip and will wait to reply and then wait like the exact number of minutes it takes me to respond, whereas when he initiates, none of those games are there. So that's why I'm not going to initiate anymore. He hasn't even reached out to see how my dog is doing- he really went on and on about my dog and liked her, and he saw her again on Thursday, got really worried about a medical episode she had while he was there, and knew I was having her put down in the next few days. I do know that a few weeks ago, the guy I dated years ago said he got into my profile again and reported all the guys I talked to. (I document everything and know I'll eventually have to get a protective order on that nuisance). Some guys were banned from the site, including this guy, but he never mentioned it. He just continued on with me as usual, but jokingly said I must've been at (the location of our first date) every night over Thanksgiving weekend (while he was out of town). I'm just torn between feeling annoyed about the previous guy's lengthy crusade to stop me from dating others, and the new guy's pattern of inconsistency, and wondering how much I could have prevented if I were just more outgoing..
Wiseman2 Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 5 minutes ago, sunshine1189 said: Some guys were banned from the site, including this guy, but he never mentioned it. the new guy's pattern of inconsistency, .. What site are they banned from and how do you know that? It seems like this new guy annoys you and you've got a stopwatch by the phone as far as texting. If he's not asking you out, he's not interested, regardless of text response times. It would be best to move on. There's already a communication incompatibility.
Author sunshine1189 Posted December 7, 2020 Author Posted December 7, 2020 (edited) A few guys were banned from the dating site I met them on, including this guy. The other guys told me but he didn't. I suspect it's the guy from my past that won't let go. What is a good way to "get at" this guy when he texts again? I'm not putting up with him popping up every so many days, especially when he isn't all that physically attractive. I know from past experience that these types of guys keep popping up for months. I thought about replying "unsubscribe" or "who is this?". At this point, I don't care if he treats me great when we go out opens doors, pays for everything, asks how my pet is, etc. My brother said he snoozes, he loses, and that "real" men pursue consistently and that no wonder the guy is still single and has been for ten years. My brother said he is too passive. I'm just used to guys that come on strong, but that hasn't always yielded healthy and balanced relationships. Edited December 7, 2020 by sunshine1189 1
sushiandtacos Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 Hmm didn't you say he's inexperienced and shy about dating? Maybe he wants to make sure you are interested before proceeding about asking you out again? I wouldn't blame yourself at all for not being outgoing! I honestly think there could be a lapse in communication. Maybe reach out again? In the beginning there's usually that weird game of who is going to reach out again, no harm in texting him and seeing!
basil67 Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 8 minutes ago, sunshine1189 said: I'm not putting up with him popping up every so many days, especially when he isn't all that physically attractive. So you'd put up with him popping up every so many days if he was hot? 1
Miss Spider Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 How would the guy from your past know who you are talking to on the app? How would he have anything to do with it?
Author sunshine1189 Posted December 7, 2020 Author Posted December 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: How would the guy from your past know who you are talking to on the app? How would he have anything to do with it? Because he's been stalking me. There must be something on my phone. There was tracking device on my car. Often, he'll show up at the most random places 1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said: Hmm didn't you say he's inexperienced and shy about dating? Maybe he wants to make sure you are interested before proceeding about asking you out again? I wouldn't blame yourself at all for not being outgoing! I honestly think there could be a lapse in communication. Maybe reach out again? In the beginning there's usually that weird game of who is going to reach out again, no harm in texting him and seeing! I had reached out yesterday, but it's the same old games with him. I just want to tell him off, say I know he was only out for sex (I refused him) or do that "unsubscribe" text reply. 1 hour ago, basil67 said: So you'd put up with him popping up every so many days if he was hot? Lol. I love this kind of humor. It makes sense though. I should've said that the fact that he isn't that physically attractive is even more of a reason to not put up with it.
sushiandtacos Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 I get that's annoying for sure. If he was just out for sex then it's not even worth the energy to text him the "unsubscribe" tbh. Like I would just forget and move on. But if he was really interested then he would reach out again! You just don't want to assume too early.
Wiseman2 Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 (edited) Banned from dating sites? Bad news. You need to go through your contacts, messaging apps and social media and Actively Delete and Block, scammers, catfish, dead weight, useless exes, losers, unknown entities, etc. It's your job to keep your devices, accounts and life free and clear of intrusions. Edited December 7, 2020 by Wiseman2
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