Dumped suddenly. Shocked.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Gaeta

[Scarlet Ohara]

22 hours ago, mishz said:

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I (30) was dating a Japanese girl (27) for 4 months. Naturally, we would text each other often throughout the day, always say good morning and good night, and see each other at least 1-3 days a week. This girl would sleep over my place sometimes and we had very good sex. I never double texted if she didn't text back, I usually didn't text back immediately, etc. I was always understanding in the girl was busy with something, so I don't think I came across as clingy, BUT, I was really good to her, and she could know that I really liked her and wanted to spend a lot of time with her. I never really was 'busy' to see her. I have a really good job in Tokyo with one of the best companies in Japan, and have my own place, so I have some things going for me. We had really good chemistry together and being with her always felt natural and I tried to keep things interesting.

Long story short, there were no fights, no arguments, and on the weekend before the breakup we even went on a trip together, slept together and things seemed perfect. The day after the trip (Monday), she started being distant. She wouldn't say good morning, pretty much didn't text at all throughout the day, and would just say goodnight. I didn't say anything really, but she was distant on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. This is completely unlike her as she'd always communicate with me at least a bit daily. By Wednesday night, after being distant for a few days, she asked me around 10pm if she could come over, I said yes, then she said she decided not to, and that she has no time for anything anymore. I told her, it sounds like she's saying she doesn't want to meet me again, and she said that's not what she meant. I asked her if there was another guy, she said no. (this was COMPLETELY unlike me, as I was very careful not to seem jealous, clingy, or paranoid for the whole 4 months, but she was acting strange and I became a bit concerned). Thursday, she's distant again, almost no messages, just goodnight. By Friday, same thing and I said "If a person wants to see someone or talk to someone, they'll see and talk to that person. I feel you have been distant with me and that I've been wanting to see/talk to you more than you do to me." I sent a 2nd message afterwards saying "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that, the last thing I want to do is pressure you".

Again, the entire week she literally fell off a cliff and was barely speaking to me at all. By Saturday, she said that by saying that I did make her feel pressured and that we probably shouldnt meet and that she 'can't go at my pace'. She also said that I should find someone who can go at my pace. I told her that I can respect her pace, and that if she's busy to meet or talk that's fine, I can be understanding. (Important note: she started studying a masters degree and she has a job. Also, 2 months before the breakup, she moved into the university dorms where both guys and girls are). I knew when she said that I should find another girl it was over, but I tried to keep it together. The coming days, she just completely didn't message me at all, and I ended up sending a message saying that I hope we could've talked things through but I wish her the best. She confirmed she doesn't want to meet me anymore, and wished me the best too, and said it wasn't my fault, that she just wants to focus on her masters degree. I doubt she was cheating on me because she'd sometimes sleep over 3 days in a row and not even look at her phone.

I guess my question is this: this girl was talking to me throughout the day, every day, showing love, coming over, sleeping over, for 4 months, and then out of nowhere she just goes cold and says we shouldn't meet anymore. I keep blaming myself, thinking "is it because I asked her if there's another guy?" making me seem paranoid/clingy, or, "did I show her I like her too much and seem clingy?", was it the "If a person wants to see someone or talk to someone, they'll see and talk to that person." comment that did it? I can't wrap my head around this and it really shattered me because of how unexpected it was. Again, I keep blaming myself and I'm surprised how she just dropped me so easily. I just wanted to see all of your opinions...thank you

Welcome to the world of sociopathy... this is lesson number one that a) people use other people b) sex doesn't = love and c)they will usually drop you like a hot potato when they find someone that gives them better sex, money or power.  This is the reality of life.  I assume you are younger than me.  After years of relationships including marriages, two children, one divorce, one suicide and two failed relationships where I gave everything, including my mental health and dignity, when they want to GO they just GO.  There is no need to analyze or try to make sense of anything.  Obviously, this "girl" wasn't honest.   Whether it was 4 months, 20 years... when people want to GO they just GO and don't look back.  If this sounds rather harsh, it's because this is the reality of Life.  You don't have to blame yourself because sociopaths, users, manipulators come and go in life.   Learn to see the red flags early and don't invest too much of your heart and soul into a relationship... let it develop.  One person should not do all the "giving" and the other person taking.  I wish you the best... take care of yourself-- you sound like a really nice guy. 

[elaine567]

What on earth makes you say this girl was a sociopath?
She wasn't feeling it, she considered yeah or nay for a week in which she distanced herself and then dumped him, what is sociopathic about that?
That is just what happens in dating.
It doesn't make her a sociopath...

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What on earth makes you say this girl was a sociopath?
She wasn't feeling it, she considered yeah or nay for a week in which she distanced herself and then dumped him, what is sociopathic about that?
That is just what happens in dating.
It doesn't make her a sociopath...

Beat me to it elaine, SMH at that one.   

OP, re this "pressure" she was feeling, something I've learned is that people can feel pressure even when given all the freedom in the world. 

It's often self-imposed. It's not about anything you are "doing" but rather what they are "feeling."  Their own issues, nothing to do with you.

Fear of intimacy or commitment, avoidants often feel this way, it's self-imposed, so try to not beat yourself up about that. 

That said, my take is like elaine's, for whatever reason, this girl lost interest.  The reasons don't matter and SHE may not even know why. No rhyme or reason.  It's the risk we all take.

I'm so sorry.   Hope you feel better soon.  

Hugs.

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What on earth makes you say this girl was a sociopath?
She wasn't feeling it, she considered yeah or nay for a week in which she distanced herself and then dumped him, what is sociopathic about that?
That is just what happens in dating.
It doesn't make her a sociopath...

Exactly. People who date people and decide later they don’t want to anymore are always sociopaths, npds, or avoidants 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Calling you "gross" for doing a fairly normal thing like deleting a shared photo album and unfriending her on social media speaks to her level of maturity - or lack thereof. ....

Agreed and it says to me she is trying to see herself in a better light by painting you as a bad person. 

[mishz]

Thank you all for your messages. I'm really pleasantly surprised how many people have given so much input, and it really helps me reading it, thank you for the support.

At this point, I just need to try to move on. It's been 3 weeks since we had any communication, and I still think about her almost all day, and even when I'm not trying to think of her, she's on the back of my mind. I feel I lost someone that made me feel how I wanted to feel, someone who I wanted to do everything with, then she just vanishes, and I'm left with void. Also, after so many dates, and not meeting anyone who compares to her, I feel a bit more demotivated.

It's just strange to me how someone would talk with you you all day, keep in touch, see you, sleep over and have sex with you, intertwine themselves in your life, then just cut themselves off so quick. I wouldn't do that to someone I'm not interested in. I think she liked me, but just not enough. Or, an ex bf came back? No idea, but I didn't matter to her.

She's probably completely moved on and not even thinking of me, probably already with another guy.

I guess, time will heal right? But right now, I feel like I'm stuck in a dark place. I wish I could just turn a switch to forget about all this.

Edited December 5, 2020 by mishz

[elaine567]

23 hours ago, mishz said:

I was very careful not to seem jealous, clingy, or paranoid for the whole 4 months

Monitoring yourself to make sure you do not upset her can come across as false and not genuine.
You were holding back the real you and she may have sensed this.
Women tend not to like abusive, crazy jerks but showing some passion or vulnerability can be very attractive in a man.

[dangerous]

23 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You were more than accommodating....this has nothing to do with you.

A) she met someone else

B) she cheated, or is talking to an ex BF

C) the relationship ran it's course, she lost interest. There are people who only enjoy the newness of a relationship, lasting 3 to 4 months.

D) family has other plans for her

E) she's pregnant.

And F) she has issues.

I had a similar experience, as i have posted elsewhere. 6 months of bliss, then one day finished. Why? Because the weekend before i didn't do everything she wanted to perfection, and I reminded her of some bad traits of her ex, and I didn't then admit it was my fault and aplogise profusely. I learnt that she has been abused terribly for years in he past and she was indeed a very damaged individual. Do you know much about her history?

But anyway, I'd say its not you, it is her. Painful I know, but you'll get over it.

[mishz]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Monitoring yourself to make sure you do not upset her can come across as false and not genuine.
You were holding back the real you and she may have sensed this.
Women tend not to like abusive, crazy jerks but showing some passion or vulnerability can be very attractive in a man.

Actually, I did show passion and the real me to her. That's why I didn't hesitate to show I cared. I cherished her, and she knew it. I even showed vulnerability when I asked if there was another guy when she was being distant.

[elaine567]

That is not the kind of vulnerability that is attractive...

[mishz]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

That is not the kind of vulnerability that is attractive...

Yeah, and I admitted it was a mistake in my original message. I said it after she was being distant with me stupidly.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Scarlet Ohara said:

Welcome to the world of sociopathy... 

There is far too little information given about this woman to leap to the conclusion that she is a sociopath. 

It's astonishing how frequently these terms get bandied on these boards about without any basis. It usually says more about the person assigning the label than the person they're attempting to diagnose, interestingly. 

[elaine567]

Just now, mishz said:

Yeah, and I admitted it was a mistake in my original message. I said it after she was being distant with me stupidly.

By that time I guess it made no difference, she was already thinking of walking away.

[Miss Spider]

Red herring. She is just not into you. Do you think showing that one little insecurity would have made her leave a guy that she was really into? No. Actually she would’ve probably found it really cute and flattering

Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, mishz said:

Thank you all for your messages. I'm really pleasantly surprised how many people have given so much input, and it really helps me reading it, thank you for the support.

At this point, I just need to try to move on. It's been 3 weeks since we had any communication, and I still think about her almost all day, and even when I'm not trying to think of her, she's on the back of my mind. I feel I lost someone that made me feel how I wanted to feel, someone who I wanted to do everything with, then she just vanishes, and I'm left with void. Also, after so many dates, and not meeting anyone who compares to her, I feel a bit more demotivated.

It's just strange to me how someone would talk with you you all day, keep in touch, see you, sleep over and have sex with you, intertwine themselves in your life, then just cut themselves off so quick. I wouldn't do that to someone I'm not interested in. I think she liked me, but just not enough. Or, an ex bf came back? No idea, but I didn't matter to her.

She's probably completely moved on and not even thinking of me, probably already with another guy.

I guess, time will heal right? But right now, I feel like I'm stuck in a dark place. I wish I could just turn a switch to forget about al

 

 

As woman who did all of this AND was also in a committed relationship with them, hoping I can illuminate. It’s often hard to get out of a thing with someone, especially if you hate hurting people. Even if you’re not feeling it, it’s easier to just continue like you are until one day you resolve to just rip off the bandaid. This can seem like a ““ blindside“ to the other person. However, I think it would be more manipulative to slowly be intentionally mean to them and pull away before you actually end it. I don’t think that would be very helpful, anyway. 

 

Break ups hurt. I’m suspect ones you aren’t expecting hurt even more. However, yes, time will heal this.
 

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mishz]

14 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

 

As woman who did all of this AND was also in a committed relationship with them, hoping I can illuminate. It’s often hard to get out of a thing with someone, especially if you hate hurting people. Even if you’re not feeling it, it’s easier to just continue like you are until one day you resolve to just rip off the bandaid. This can seem like a ““ blindside“ to the other person. However, I think it would be more manipulative to slowly be intentionally mean to them and pull away before you actually end it. I don’t think that would be very helpful, anyway. 

 

Break ups hurt. I’m suspect ones you aren’t expecting hurt even more. However, yes, time will heal this.
 

 

I agree with you. If you noticed, I didn't try to demonize her in this thread. I've done the same to other girls too (lose interest, and detach myself, etc). I know what it's like to be in her shoes. I guess it just hurts to be rejected by someone you felt strongly for, and shared special moments with. I don't think she was faking it the whole time, I know she liked me, but her heart wasn't in it. That type of rejection hurts. Accepting it's over, hurts. But, life moves on, and I'll take whatever lessons I can from this. I experienced a previous breakup like this, where I couldn't stop thinking about the girl after, and it hurt for months, but now if I see that girls Instagram, I feel absolutely nothing. I'd like to get to that point, where this is just a memory that doesn't conjure up any negative emotions. Time...

[Miss Spider]

Yes. I think reframing to how to feel about romantic rejection too. It is quite normal to feel bad about it. Back in the day when humans lived in groups of 30 or so, rejection from others often meant death. At the very least, romantic rejection often meant that it was unlikely  you had  sex or passed on your genes... I assume that there is a vestigial, primal response to it. Rationalize how many other women there are out there now. How this one woman does not say anything about you in particular. It is easy to try to find a “lesson “ in a breakup, to avoid having to experience it again. You might ask yourself what you did wrong. I am not saying that there is never a lesson to be learned. But lot of times , that rumination is a wasted effort and keeps you thinking about that person. Trying to live up to their standards is auto puts them on a pedestal and really might give them too much power over you. Many times it isn’t anything that you did specifically “wrong”. You could just not be a match with her, whereas you could be the perfect match for someone else that you could like even more. Anyway, I hope that you can move on and find someone else that you like even more soon. Best of luck to you

Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree you were just more invested than she was. Given that she pulled away after your trip, something must have happened on that trip to really cement for her that it wasn't what she wanted long term.

[mishz]

8 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree you were just more invested than she was. Given that she pulled away after your trip, something must have happened on that trip to really cement for her that it wasn't what she wanted long term.

The trip was really nice as far as I could tell, and the sex was great, etc. Nothing notable happened on the trip that I can refer to that I think was an issue, it all seemed smooth. I mean, I'm human after all, you know? Maybe I burped, and that did it for her (I didn't, it's a joke). My point is, I don't think I can blame myself for anything trip related, and even IF I did something on the trip, if she'd have dumped me for it, then it boils down to the fact that she wasn't that interested anyways. You don't just dump people you really like just because something happened that you didn't like. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree. When you really like someone, you overlook all kinds of things. When you're not that invested, even minor things are magnified. So it was what it was - probably nothing you could have done to prevent it.

[mishz]

Has there been anyone here who could say they really never got over a breakup? Just curious. When you're going through it, it really feels like, you won't get through it.

[Ruby Slippers]

You'll get over it. I don't think ignoring your feelings and immediately trying to replace her is the way, though. Feel the pain, grieve, cry, let it out, then move on. This process takes time. I always give myself about half the duration of the relationship to be on my own and deal with it. You were together 4 months - so I'd give myself 2 months. Rebound relationships are usually doomed to fail. 

[JRabbit]

On 12/4/2020 at 4:03 PM, mishz said:

I do feel maybe I was 'too available' for her. I wasn't ever too busy to see her, pretty much whenever she could see me, I'd see her. I don't know if this contributed, but I do think I should maybe be a little more careful to not show that I'm always available to see someone, and be a little more careful to show that I like the person so much. I really cherished her.

Please don't change the way you are because one person did not appreciate it.   You are never too available for the right person.

[ThereSheGoes]

Honestly, it just sounded like she saw something about you during the trip that made her pause, she thought about it for a few days, and just decided to move on. Was that the longest amount of time you guys had spent together up until that point? Don't take it personal (even though it FEELS super personal right now) some people just aren't the right fit for us. It's not your fault. You'll find someone who wants you just as much as you want them.

Edited December 10, 2020 by ThereSheGoes