Dumped suddenly. Shocked.

[mishz]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I (30) was dating a Japanese girl (27) for 4 months. Naturally, we would text each other often throughout the day, always say good morning and good night, and see each other at least 1-3 days a week. This girl would sleep over my place sometimes and we had very good sex. I never double texted if she didn't text back, I usually didn't text back immediately, etc. I was always understanding in the girl was busy with something, so I don't think I came across as clingy, BUT, I was really good to her, and she could know that I really liked her and wanted to spend a lot of time with her. I never really was 'busy' to see her. I have a really good job in Tokyo with one of the best companies in Japan, and have my own place, so I have some things going for me. We had really good chemistry together and being with her always felt natural and I tried to keep things interesting.

Long story short, there were no fights, no arguments, and on the weekend before the breakup we even went on a trip together, slept together and things seemed perfect. The day after the trip (Monday), she started being distant. She wouldn't say good morning, pretty much didn't text at all throughout the day, and would just say goodnight. I didn't say anything really, but she was distant on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. This is completely unlike her as she'd always communicate with me at least a bit daily. By Wednesday night, after being distant for a few days, she asked me around 10pm if she could come over, I said yes, then she said she decided not to, and that she has no time for anything anymore. I told her, it sounds like she's saying she doesn't want to meet me again, and she said that's not what she meant. I asked her if there was another guy, she said no. (this was COMPLETELY unlike me, as I was very careful not to seem jealous, clingy, or paranoid for the whole 4 months, but she was acting strange and I became a bit concerned). Thursday, she's distant again, almost no messages, just goodnight. By Friday, same thing and I said "If a person wants to see someone or talk to someone, they'll see and talk to that person. I feel you have been distant with me and that I've been wanting to see/talk to you more than you do to me." I sent a 2nd message afterwards saying "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that, the last thing I want to do is pressure you".

Again, the entire week she literally fell off a cliff and was barely speaking to me at all. By Saturday, she said that by saying that I did make her feel pressured and that we probably shouldnt meet and that she 'can't go at my pace'. She also said that I should find someone who can go at my pace. I told her that I can respect her pace, and that if she's busy to meet or talk that's fine, I can be understanding. (Important note: she started studying a masters degree and she has a job. Also, 2 months before the breakup, she moved into the university dorms where both guys and girls are). I knew when she said that I should find another girl it was over, but I tried to keep it together. The coming days, she just completely didn't message me at all, and I ended up sending a message saying that I hope we could've talked things through but I wish her the best. She confirmed she doesn't want to meet me anymore, and wished me the best too, and said it wasn't my fault, that she just wants to focus on her masters degree. I doubt she was cheating on me because she'd sometimes sleep over 3 days in a row and not even look at her phone.

I guess my question is this: this girl was talking to me throughout the day, every day, showing love, coming over, sleeping over, for 4 months, and then out of nowhere she just goes cold and says we shouldn't meet anymore. I keep blaming myself, thinking "is it because I asked her if there's another guy?" making me seem paranoid/clingy, or, "did I show her I like her too much and seem clingy?", was it the "If a person wants to see someone or talk to someone, they'll see and talk to that person." comment that did it? I can't wrap my head around this and it really shattered me because of how unexpected it was. Again, I keep blaming myself and I'm surprised how she just dropped me so easily. I just wanted to see all of your opinions...thank you

Edited December 4, 2020 by mishz

[ShyViolet]

Don't over-analyze every little thing you said to her.  There's no point.  Any one of those little texts you sent to her couldn't have made her want to break up with you, if she really wanted to be with you.  Clearly something happened to change her feelings towards you.  You'll probably never find out what it is.  Maybe she met someone else, maybe her feelings towards you just changed (it happens).  It sounds like she is terrible at communicating.  She should have at least talked to you and been more open with you.

[Ellener]

36 minutes ago, mishz said:

She confirmed she doesn't want to meet me anymore, and wished me the best too, and said it wasn't my fault, that she just wants to focus on her masters degree.

It's probably that then.I have noticed there is a lot of pressure on people from some cultures to conform the the cultural ideal of success. And relationships.

Of course it's not your fault, she just changed direction unexpectedly. Another woman would be happy with good chemistry, good sex, interesting relationship.

[mishz]

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

It's probably that then.I have noticed there is a lot of pressure on people from some cultures to conform the the cultural ideal of success. And relationships.

Of course it's not your fault, she just changed direction unexpectedly. Another woman would be happy with good chemistry, good sex, interesting relationship.

I'm not sure. I told her I'm very understanding of her studies and that it comes first, not me, so for us to meet when she has time. I don't think if someone really likes you, they just dump you like that, even while studying a masters degree. People study masters degree and have make time to date.

Edited December 4, 2020 by mishz

[smackie9]

You were more than accommodating....this has nothing to do with you.

A) she met someone else

B) she cheated, or is talking to an ex BF

C) the relationship ran it's course, she lost interest. There are people who only enjoy the newness of a relationship, lasting 3 to 4 months.

D) family has other plans for her

E) she's pregnant.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Are you Japanese as well? if not, maybe she felt that the relationship would not lead to marriage, which might be her ultimate goal? Maybe she is feeling pressure from her family? Or maybe she met someone else that she feels more sparks with?

[Acacia98]

58 minutes ago, mishz said:

I can't wrap my head around this and it really shattered me because of how unexpected it was. Again, I keep blaming myself and I'm surprised how she just dropped me so easily. I just wanted to see all of your opinions...thank you

I'm sorry, Mishz.

It's certainly possible that she can't handle academic pressure as well as a relationship. I've had times in in my life when I've been so overwhelmed that I don't have the ability to be an attentive girlfriend, so I know it can happen. Alternatively, maybe she wants to be more immersed in the uni experience and attend campus events and network with her colleagues (now that she lives on campus), and spending time with you takes her away from that. Or maybe it's something entirely different.

Having said that, she should have broken up with you in a more straightforward fashion. The reason why you're blaming yourself is because she pulled an unkind and manipulative move with that passive aggressive break-up. When you sensed she was pulling away and asked her about it, that was her cue to tell you the truth. It would have still hurt, but at least you would have been a bit better prepared and you wouldn't be blaming yourself.

Based on your description of what happened, I think she would have broken up with you regardless of what you said and how you said it. So don't blame yourself for it.

Edited December 4, 2020 by Acacia98

[mishz]

Thank you all for your messages. I want to say some things that happened after the breakup.

I was hurt by the breakup and it made me do some stupid mistakes. I should've just completely vanished and done nothing.

First, around a week after the breakup was confirmed, we had a 'photo album' in our chat application (in Japan we use a messaging app called LINE, and you can create albums and upload photos together that only you two can see). I deleted the albums of our memories because I didn't want access to any photos of us, because it made my stomach turn to see them (I could've just ignored the album completely, but I had just decided that I'd delete them so they are gone for good). She got a notification of this. I also unfriended her on Instagram (my profile was private so she couldn't see my photos anymore). A day after she messaged me saying 'You're gross.' and blocked me on everything. Getting that text really hurt.

Obviously, I did not want to delete the albums, or unfriend her, it hurt to do those things because I wanted to be with her. I went through around 2 weeks of being EXTREMELY down about what happened. After she said 'You're gross', I sent a few paragraphs of messages, nothing angry or emotional, but just pretty much laying everything out clearly, telling her sorry for deleting our photos and that I did out because it hurt to look at them, trying to talk things through and see if we can try to work it out, it was my 'last ditch desperate effort' to piece everything together, and she said to leave her alone. I haven't spoken to her since then at all.

I don't think she'll contact me again, and anyways, she was the one who dumped me to begin with. I do regret sending those paragraph messages. About deleting our albums, I'm not sure if I should regret that, but I sure am glad to not have access to those photos anymore.

[flitzanu]

4 minutes ago, mishz said:

Thank you all for your messages. I want to say some things that happened after the breakup.

I was hurt by the breakup and it made me do some stupid mistakes. I should've just completely vanished and done nothing.

First, around a week after the breakup was confirmed, we had a 'photo album' in our chat application (in Japan we use a messaging app called LINE, and you can create albums and upload photos together that only you two can see). I deleted the albums of our memories because I didn't want access to any photos of us, because it made my stomach turn to see them (I could've just ignored the album completely, but I had just decided that I'd delete them so they are gone for good). She got a notification of this. I also unfriended her on Instagram (my profile was private so she couldn't see my photos anymore). A day after she messaged me saying 'You're gross.' and blocked me on everything. Getting that text really hurt.

Obviously, I did not want to delete the albums, or unfriend her, it hurt to do those things because I wanted to be with her. I went through around 2 weeks of being EXTREMELY down about what happened. After she said 'You're gross', I sent a few paragraphs of messages, nothing angry or emotional, but just pretty much laying everything out clearly, telling her sorry for deleting our photos and that I did out because it hurt to look at them, trying to talk things through and see if we can try to work it out, it was my 'last ditch desperate effort' to piece everything together, and she said to leave her alone. I haven't spoken to her since then at all.

I don't think she'll contact me again, and anyways, she was the one who dumped me to begin with. I do regret sending those paragraph messages. About deleting our albums, I'm not sure if I should regret that, but I sure am glad to not have access to those photos anymore.

it hurts now, but will hurt less eventually.  many will say it was a "mistake" to send your last ditch effort, but we all make that mistake, don't lose sleep over it.  the decision was already made, and nothing you've said afterward would have changed it.  deleting photos and blocking and unfriending her was the right move.

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

Sorry that this happened to you, it must have been so confusing. What you did after she became distant doesn’t matter because she was already disengaging. If what you said is right and you had good chemistry before and wasn’t being clingy, there must be other personal reasons on her end. Maybe she freaked out as you got closer. Everyone has different attachment styles and fears/issues. 

For future reference, note that having a busy life is no excuse to not want to be with someone. When I was in grad school, I had two jobs and my boyfriend at that time worked 14hours a day, but we both still made time for each other even if it meant traveling a lot and spending time at odd hours.  

The way she disappeared and reacted to the breakup was childish and disrespectful. It hurts, but it will diminish. You should find someone who is mature enough to talk about relationship issues rather than run away from them.

[mishz]

Thank you all for your messages. I've been kind of keeping this all in my head, so discussing it with you all and getting the various perspectives really helps. 

The last time I spoke to her was 3 weeks ago (those few paragraphs of messages). Obviously, I will continue no contact. It's been almost a month since everything collapsed on this and I still feel sunk emotionally, I think it's because there is a void now that she used to fill.

I downloaded dating apps and I probably went on 10 dates already compulsively (not in a very healthy way). I didn't like anyone enough on any of those dates to want to see them again, and most of the girls contacted me after to try to meet again. As shallow as it sounds, it kind of gave me some confidence. I do have a date with a beautiful girl tomorrow, but who knows what will happen with that. I probably shouldn't have jumped so quickly into trying to meet another girl, but I think if I end up meeting someone really good, it could be a positive. Aside from that, been trying to focus on my work (I was slacking completely at work for the first 2 weeks of the breakup then had this surge of extreme productivity to try to make up for the time lost). But all in all, doing pretty bad lately mentally.

[Whodatdog]

I hope you realize its not you. A relationship needs both people to be invested to work on it, and for whatever reason, she decided she just wasnt interested anymore. These things happen, people lose their feelings for others. Nothing to do with you.

Hope you find someone else to share your life with. Just dont be in a big hurry. Its a big world out there.

[smackie9]

She called you gross, when how she handled herself was grossly inconsiderate. Obviously all it did was bruise her ego and nothing more. Total butt hurt.

Edited December 4, 2020 by smackie9

[elaine567]

Bad move to delete the shared album.
That was childish, petty and unnecessary. You burned your last bridge there.
No wonder she blocked you., she will likely hate you for that. 
You should have sent her copies of all the photos as they were her photos too, and then closed the LINE album if you couldn't bear to look at them...

[Ruby Slippers]

Her breaking things off without any credible explanation was immature and inconsiderate. Try to screen better for maturity and thoughtfulness in the future. Better luck next time.

[mishz]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

Her breaking things off without any credible explanation was immature and inconsiderate. Try to screen better for maturity and thoughtfulness in the future. Better luck next time.

She is a smart person who expressed herself to me well, so I was a bit blindsided by her selfishness at the end. Sometimes it's hard to calculate these things happening, but definitely she didn't communicate at all, she kind of just dropped me without giving any reasons.

I do feel maybe I was 'too available' for her. I wasn't ever too busy to see her, pretty much whenever she could see me, I'd see her. I don't know if this contributed, but I do think I should maybe be a little more careful to not show that I'm always available to see someone, and be a little more careful to show that I like the person so much. I really cherished her.

[elaine567]

I know little about Japanese culture, but could this break up by introducing distance and fading away be a  cultural norm...                                                                                                                         

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, mishz said:

First, around a week after the breakup was confirmed, we had a 'photo album' in our chat application (in Japan we use a messaging app called LINE, and you can create albums and upload photos together that only you two can see). I deleted the albums of our memories because I didn't want access to any photos of us, because it made my stomach turn to see them (I could've just ignored the album completely, but I had just decided that I'd delete them so they are gone for good). She got a notification of this. I also unfriended her on Instagram (my profile was private so she couldn't see my photos anymore). A day after she messaged me saying 'You're gross.' and blocked me on everything. Getting that text really hurt.

I'm not sure why she was surprised. Those are not unusual things for someone to do when they're hurt about the end of a relationship. I guess it demonstrates she wasn't thinking about things from your perspective at all.

Personally, I wouldn't lose sleep over it. When somebody suddenly stops caring and shuts you out, you sometimes need to do drastic things to stop hurting so bad all the time. Blocking on social media helps. No longer looking at pictures helps too. I know I'm gonna sound cold, but if those pictures meant something to her, she should have saved them. This is like the virtual version of dumping someone and then leaving your stuff in their house indefinitely. Would it be nice if the person boxed your stuff up and had it delivered to you? Sure. But I wouldn't expect it of them. It would actually be cruel to expect that of the dumpee. And I wouldn't be surprised if they got tired of looking at my stuff and being reminded of me and tossed it out. 

[Acacia98]

49 minutes ago, mishz said:

I do feel maybe I was 'too available' for her. I wasn't ever too busy to see her, pretty much whenever she could see me, I'd see her. I don't know if this contributed, but I do think I should maybe be a little more careful to not show that I'm always available to see someone, and be a little more careful to show that I like the person so much. I really cherished her.

I don't think you need to change who you fundamentally are. It sounds to me like maybe she wasn't as invested as you were. That creates a power imbalance. In future, I think you need to find someone who's as invested in you and happy to demonstrate it through actions.

Edited December 4, 2020 by Acacia98

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, mishz said:

I don't know if this contributed, but I do think I should maybe be a little more careful to not show that I'm always available to see someone, and be a little more careful to show that I like the person so much.

I don't think this would be a problem whatsoever with the right person for you. I always appreciate men who make themselves available, enjoy spending a lot of time with me, and make their high interest and investment very clear. Don't let yourself get jaded because of this. 

[Miss Spider]

I would say that it’s very unlikely that one sentence was what caused her to break up with you. That is not really how it works. Four months is a short time. at the beginning, it’s easy to get swept up with the newness and lust etc . as time passes, they kind of decide  whether or not they really like the person. This decision is made by taking everything they know about the person as a whole. Not just one thing they say. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you.

[hokage240sx]

Hey man you sound like a great guy. Im sorry that happened too you. Im sure it has nothing to do with anything you did. 

She sounds like she is inconsiderate and selfish, the way she conducted her self. She could have at-least had a open talk and gave you a better explanation for closure. But she may be was just not interested in the relationship anymore. You never know after a long time of no contact she may contact you. But I wouldn't count on it and try to forget her. 

Thats good your going out on dates agian! Im sure you will find someone that deserves you!!

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, mishz said:

  we even went on a trip together, slept together and things seemed perfect. The day after the trip (Monday), she started being distant. 

Sorry to hear that. What happened on the trip?

Unfortunately at 16 weeks dating, people notice incompatibilities whether they are confrontational about it or not.

This has nothing to do with playing it overly cool, although that tactic often backfires.

It sounds like she simply lost feelings and prefers to focus on her campus life.

[elaine567]

She apparently took a week to process and at the end of the week decided she was done  and told you so.
Yes it was a bit of a shock but it happens a lot. In fact there is NO good way to break up with someone who still loves you.
Every way imaginable is difficult and hard and upsetting.

[ExpatInItaly]

Calling you "gross" for doing a fairly normal thing like deleting a shared photo album and unfriending her on social media speaks to her level of maturity - or lack thereof. 

Perhaps you missed signs along the way that she isn't the most mature person, because you were so swept up in the romance. Regardless, as the others have already said, this break-up didn't happen because you asked her if there was someone else. She was pulling away before that. 

Sometimes we have to accept that we may not get the answers we seek. But it doesn't really change the bottom line when one person wants out. We simply need to work on accepting that it wasn't the right person for us.