He said the dreaded I Don't want anything serious

[Lotsgoingon]

17 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Guys are so weird. I once dated a guy who downgraded me, then ramped up his attention on me for about a month before he finally dumped me by introducing me to his friends as just his friend. 

I was one of these guys and knew others guy just like me. Which is why I caution the OP against building up hopes or "waiting" for this guy. 

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I would take this as a bad sign.  Had he said this right when you started dating, that would be ok.  He wants too be exclusive to you with no title.  After my dating experiences, there is no way I'd stop dating other guys for a maybe relationship.  I would turn this around on him.  Tell him you will date other guys (he is free to date other women) and go out and date.  You can still see him, but keep yourself out there.  If a man (or woman) wants you, they will make that happen.  If you aren't in the casual sex, stop having sex with him.  This could give you a good indication of what his intentions are.

Edited December 9, 2020 by I'veseenbetterlol

[kendahke]

On 12/4/2020 at 5:35 AM, livinglife2019 said:

I decided to give him a few more weeks, till the end of the month.

when he shines you on on Xmas and NYE for her?

[Lotsgoingon]

Agree with kendhahke. Ambivalent guys rely on ceremony and ritual. The ritual--we're out on New Year's together!---is an easy way to cover for the real lack of interest and commitment.

Ritual celebrations are easy. Requires zero real intimacy. People can get into a ritual even if they're out with someone they barely have interest in. The energy of the ritual carries you through. What matters is when there is no ritual--what does the person do then? 

[Miss Spider]

When I was interested in/dating multiple guys , nye (and my bday and Valentine’s Day) was a kicker. I always spent it with the one I liked the most, because a lot of times people if you dated several months wondered why you weren’t spending those days with them. But ultimately it doesn’t matter... maybe he just doesn’t have anything better right now. He still doesn’t want to commit. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 12/4/2020 at 6:08 PM, livinglife2019 said:

I mentioned I was meeting some of my best friends next week for a dinner and if he felt comfortable and wanted to be my date for It he could. He agreed and said he can’t wait to meet my friends. 

He seems to really be trying to see my more etc his texting habits as well have increased. I don’t know how me just being accepting of his feelings has resulted in him upping his efforts etc 

Not surprised he can't wait to meet your friends. The opposite reaction to meeting your sister. Do you wonder why that may be?

Maybe because he realizes he's now free to take and give what he wants without you expecting a future with him? Not saying that's the reason. Just that it could well be.

 

[Saracena]

7 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Maybe because he realizes he's now free to take and give what he wants without you expecting a future with him? Not saying that's the reason. Just that it could well be.

 

OR, which is what I believe, he was surprised by your relatively cool response, expecting you instead to be more 'upset' about it, which in turn has made him questions things ie 'I thought she was more into me that this'. Hence why he's now stepping up a bit! He thought he 'had you' before.

After all something triggered his initial revelation and I wouldn't be surprised if it was because he sensed you had stronger feelings than him, which caused him to pull back, because he doesn't want anything serious with you.

Either way I'd still walk OP as I can't see this ending well. Sorry.

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Either way I'd still walk OP as I can't see this ending well. Sorry.

Realistically I cannot see the OP or anyone walking when things are improving and going well.  That was the last post from the OP, that after their "talk," he began moving forward, wanting to meet her friends, spend more time together etc.  

I think her "let's wait and see" approach is good.  I have no doubt that if he starts "pulling back" and begins acting shady, she will reconsider and walk. 

But has been said so many times, not everything is so black and white.  I have known couples wherein one or both had an early "freak out" at or around three months, but survived and are still happily together and committed. 

I myself have had a couple freaks out, nearly ended our relationship, twice.  But after three years, we are now engaged and getting married next year!   

It's fear.  And it is not uncommon.

I for one am looking forward to the OP's next update!  I hope it's a positive one. 

If not, that's okay too.  Lesson learned, it's all a journey.

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[livinglife2019]

Well I’ve another update, 

everything is still going really well, my friends love him. The also told me the way he looks at me when I’m not looking at him gave it away and that they could tell he was smitten. One of my friends recorded a video from that night and you can actually see him watching me talk to my friend and him just smiling at me. 
 

He also won’t be going home for Christmas so is going to spend it with me and my family. 
 

Things could still turn, he could break up with me in a week or a month or I could break up with him who knows but for the moment it’s going well and I'm enjoying myself. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, livinglife2019 said:

Well I’ve another update, 

everything is still going really well, my friends love him. The also told me the way he looks at me when I’m not looking at him gave it away and that they could tell he was smitten. One of my friends recorded a video from that night and you can actually see him watching me talk to my friend and him just smiling at me. 
 

He also won’t be going home for Christmas so is going to spend it with me and my family. 
 

Things could still turn, he could break up with me in a week or a month or I could break up with him who knows but for the moment it’s going well and I'm enjoying myself. 

I'm so happy to read this livinglife.  Like I said from the beginning, it sounds like he experienced the ever-so-common "3 month freak out," lol, you handled it beautifully and he moved past it.

Think of it as a small bump in the road on your journey to wherever you are both meant to be. 

Continue staying positive and enjoy!

[Miss Spider]

But you guys still don’t have a “label”(according to him)  ?

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
O

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

Well I’ve another update, 

everything is still going really well, my friends love him. The also told me the way he looks at me when I’m not looking at him gave it away and that they could tell he was smitten. One of my friends recorded a video from that night and you can actually see him watching me talk to my friend and him just smiling at me. 
 

He also won’t be going home for Christmas so is going to spend it with me and my family. 
 

Things could still turn, he could break up with me in a week or a month or I could break up with him who knows but for the moment it’s going well and I'm enjoying myself. 

Sorry to break it to him but you have a boyfriend.

Edited December 17, 2020 by Allupinnit

[Bandit123]

2 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

Well I’ve another update, 

everything is still going really well, my friends love him. The also told me the way he looks at me when I’m not looking at him gave it away and that they could tell he was smitten. One of my friends recorded a video from that night and you can actually see him watching me talk to my friend and him just smiling at me. 
 

He also won’t be going home for Christmas so is going to spend it with me and my family. 
 

Things could still turn, he could break up with me in a week or a month or I could break up with him who knows but for the moment it’s going well and I'm enjoying myself. 

Then it makes no sense why he would say he doesn't want anything serious, and has not even asked you to be his girlfriend. He sounds weird.

[Miss Spider]

Makes perfect sense if you’re trying to keep 1 foot out the door /not commit to a person yet ... done it before

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Calmandfocused]

Does your boyfriend understand that spending Christmas with you and your family is actually a indicator that he is serious about you and is actually your boyfriend? 
 

I would bet money on it that your family refer to him as your boyfriend over Christmas. Let’s see how he reacts to that. 
 

I hope it goes well for you. I hope he comes so accept his feelings and commitment that he has towards you. 
 

If he still refuses to accept that he’s your boyfriend after spending all that time with the people who love you most, then this will tell you all you need to know, especially about his intentions towards you. 
 

Have you had any further discussions about this? 
 

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[livinglife2019]

Another update. 
 

Things are still going swimmingly! We are spending a lot more time together. Doing all kinds of things, cooking, shopping etc. 
 

We where talking yesterday, I can’t remember about exactly what but in the middle of it he said it’s because “I Love You” it was an accidental I love you and caught me off guard. We really do seem to gel well together. Maybe he did genuinely get scared at the start but his guard has come down now! 

[Miss Spider]

But you’re still not bf/gf?

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said:

Another update. 
 

Things are still going swimmingly! We are spending a lot more time together. Doing all kinds of things, cooking, shopping etc. 
 

We where talking yesterday, I can’t remember about exactly what but in the middle of it he said it’s because “I Love You” it was an accidental I love you and caught me off guard. We really do seem to gel well together. Maybe he did genuinely get scared at the start but his guard has come down now! 

I'm telling ya, it was the three-month freak out, it's not uncommon! Lol

Instead of getting all insecure, clingy and taking it personally, you were cool and carried on.

It was the best response and here you are!

[fred123]

this guys aint right. you are practically bf and gf! congrats

[Saracena]

Or he's behaving this way now because he's more comfortable knowing you don't want anything serious with him-something he feels he'd be unable to give you! 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Or he's behaving this way now because he's more comfortable knowing you don't want anything serious with him-something he feels he'd be unable to give you! 

HE told her he loves her, you can't get more serious than that.  

People can get a bit "spooked" before escalating to a different stage in the relationship, it's a real thing.  Around three months, it's not uncommon.

I applaud him for telling her, sharing his fears with her. Many men wouldn't have, they feel uncomfortable with that type of vulnerability.

Livinglife, keep doing what you're doing, obviously you're doing something right. 

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[fred123]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

HE told her he loves her, you can't get more serious than that.  

People can get a bit "spooked" before escalating to a different stage in the relationship, it's a real thing.  Around three months, it's not uncommon.

I applaud him for telling her, sharing his fears with her. Many men wouldn't have, they feel uncomfortable with that type of vulnerability.

Livinglife, keep doing what you're doing, obviously you're doing something right. 

 

my ex told me she loved me. a month after she told me she cared more about her ex than me and wasnt over him and blamed me for asking for a relationship with her

[elaine567]

It wasn't a real "I love you" though, it was a "...because I love you" thing that slipped out, not the same. 
I hope Poppy is right, but I have a feeling Saracena may be more on the money.
All this bf behaviour is great, but he decided to qualify it at the start with "I don't want anything serious" before he launched into acting like a bf, so until he removes that qualification then it all this bf type stuff still needs to be taken with a pinch of a salt.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing to listen to are consistent actions. And going by that things are progressing just fine.

No one starts out from a first date as "serious". That happens over time as you get to know each other and the relationship deepens.

There seems to be a trend of thinking that a crystal ball needs to be in place rather than more practical methods such as simply getting to know each other .

[BC1980]

If someone tells you they aren't looking for anything serious, it's best to believe them. That statement is used to manage expectations. Also, if he's still hanging onto his ex cheating on him, he doesn't need to be dating. He needs to come to terms with his feelings about that before he starts dating other people. He obviously enjoys being with you, but that doesn't mean he wants a serious relationship with you.