KaterinaVon Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Katerina, it sounds like you've been burned by men like what you describe and I'm truly sorry It's only been three months, and she is happy! Why not let her be happy? If it doesn't work out, so be! Interjecting all this negativity with no basis in fact isn't helping anyone. I’ve met some frogs, people give opinions based on their life experience and what they witness do they not ? It’s not negative to say he sounds like he wants something more casual, heck, her friends that KNOW her are telling her she should walk away. If she sounds happy then why is she on here telling her woes about him ? I’m not the only one on here that feels this way. But if he comes around great, who doesn’t like a happy ending ? 2
Miss Spider Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 Sometimes people know right away/it’s a sure thing. Sometimes people need some time to decide/warm up. I think people who split hairs about ‘labels’, especially voluntarily, just aren’t sure they want to go all in with the person yet. That’s ok. Just my opinion, I don’t see much sense to be “exclusive“ but not be boyfriend/girlfriend or committed(?) why take yourself off the market if you were not taken off the market? I don’t know. Again, that is just my opinion, though.
poppyfields Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said: She hasn’t posted any updates, guess we’ll see how it goes after her updates, from what I read, he sounds hung up on the ex and using her as the rebound, I could be wrong, that’s just how it’s coming across To you, not to me or some others. I'm not saying he is not still hung up on the ex, only that her posts didn't come across that way to me.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 On 12/3/2020 at 2:41 PM, livinglife2019 said: I've been dating this guy for a few months, we agreed to be exclusive and we've been getting on really well to be honest. He then dropped the "I don't want a serious relationship yet" Now I was taken back a bit because we seemed to get on really well. He told me how much he liked me and that I make him smile all the time and that he loves that about me. I asked him why and he said the reason he doesn't want a serious relationship right now is because of his previous one that ended in February, apparently there was cheating on his ex's side. He then went on to say it doesn't mean that in a month's time he won't want anything serious with me but for the moment he just wants to continue to date and get to know each other before we commit. Now I should mention I never asked him for anything serious, just exclusivity and he agreed. He told me he is just dating me and that's all. I don't know if I handled it right. I agreed that we didn't have to rush into anything and that once we were exclusive that I was happy to see how things went. Some friends have sent me texts saying I handled it wrong and that I should have walked away. But I feel like he was being genuine and open. Should I walk away? He's a really nice and kind guy. I feel like he was genuine. We get on really well. He'll hold my hand almost all the time when we are out, open the door, carry my bags if i'm shopping or randomly surprise me with coffee & chocolate when I'm busy with work to cheer me up. This to me show that he does care and like me. What would you do in my situation? I could walk away but I might regret not giving it a few more weeks. I am invested and I do like him, I'm not mad in love so do you think it would be bad to give it a few more weeks? Or is he just blowing me off? Translation: You’re good, but I think I might be able to find someone I like better. I’ll keep you around for a bit longer, in case I can’t. If you end up being my best option, I may buckle down and commit eventually. In the meantime, I’ll still be nice while I’m waiting to see what happens. This is a sweet deal for me, since I still get all the girlfriend benefits, while locking you down just enough with “exclusivity” so you won’t be available to another man. 8 2
poppyfields Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said: I’ve met some frogs, people give opinions based on their life experience and what they witness do they not ? It’s not negative to say he sounds like he wants something more casual, heck, her friends that KNOW her are telling her she should walk away. If she sounds happy then why is she on here telling her woes about him ? I’m not the only one on here that feels this way. But if he comes around great, who doesn’t like a happy ending ? She wasn't here telling her woes (about how crappy he treats her or any of that). He treats her well! She wrote this in her original post: >Some friends have sent me texts saying I handled it wrong and that I should have walked away. But I feel like he was being genuine and open. < So she came here to get other perspectives. I think the underlined reflects her true feelings, which is all that matters. She is the one who's been dating him, who knows him, not her friends or any of us. Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'm not saying he is not still hung up on the ex, only that her posts didn't come across that way to me. He actually told her the reason he is NOT making her is gf is because of his ex... On 12/3/2020 at 8:41 PM, livinglife2019 said: he said the reason he doesn't want a serious relationship right now is because of his previous one that ended in February, Edited December 4, 2020 by elaine567 2
KaterinaVon Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 16 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Translation: You’re good, but I think I might be able to find someone I like better. I’ll keep you around for a bit longer, in case I can’t. If you end up being my best option, I may buckle down and commit eventually. In the meantime, I’ll still be nice while I’m waiting to see what happens. This is a sweet deal for me, since I still get all the girlfriend benefits, while locking you down just enough with “exclusivity” so you won’t be available to another man. Took the words right out of my mouth. 5
poppyfields Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He actually told her the reason he is NOT making her is gf is because of his ex... Why didn't you post what followed? >>He then went on to say it doesn't mean that in a month's time he won't want anything serious with me but for the moment he just wants to continue to date and get to know each other. << And after he said it, he told her he would like to start spending more time together. Heck it's only been three months, it takes time to move into "serious." Some longer than others. Doesn't mean he has no intention of getting serious or that he's detached and stringing her along. Or still hung up on his ex. Anyway, nuff said from me I guess. My experiences have been different which might explain the disconnect we are having. My fiance was not much different from him during early stages (which I posted about) and we are getting next year. Go figure. Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 4, 2020 Author Posted December 4, 2020 An update lol Guess who surprised me at work today, not once but twice. He came by to say hello and then a few hours later came and brought me food for lunch. I mentioned I was meeting some of my best friends next week for a dinner and if he felt comfortable and wanted to be my date for It he could. He agreed and said he can’t wait to meet my friends. He seems to really be trying to see my more etc his texting habits as well have increased. I don’t know how me just being accepting of his feelings has resulted in him upping his efforts etc 5
poppyfields Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said: An update lol Guess who surprised me at work today, not once but twice. He came by to say hello and then a few hours later came and brought me food for lunch. I mentioned I was meeting some of my best friends next week for a dinner and if he felt comfortable and wanted to be my date for It he could. He agreed and said he can’t wait to meet my friends. He seems to really be trying to see my more etc his texting habits as well have increased. I don’t know how me just being accepting of his feelings has resulted in him upping his efforts etc I'm happy to hear this! Being accepted is huge for men! So I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. In any event, you are obviously doing something right, good job! Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields
Allupinnit Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 It never worked out well for me when a man told me he didn't want anything serious. My H was thrilled to be my bf and I didn't have to wait around for anything. We were engaged in less than a year, and his love and enthusiasm for me has carried forward to this day. It really takes the wind out of your sails, doesn't it? Waiting around never worked for me, patience didn't work for me, being understanding didn't work for me. Sure it might have prolonged the situation but ultimately I was left hurt, because I kept along acting like the gf, giving of my time, body, effort and heart. I'm glad he's doing sweet things for you, but don't be fooled; that doesn't mean he wants to be your bf. Men are very good about being in the moment with you without any thought of a future, and it's incredibly confusing for us women. IMHO women do themselves a grave disservice getting caught up in these casual situations and rarely come out the "winner." This guy has been broken up with his ex for almost a year - I'm not buying that. 2
Allupinnit Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 On 12/3/2020 at 6:56 PM, livinglife2019 said: Thank you I’ve had men say it to me before and then the texts get fewer and fewer between etc. But with this guy it’s the opposite. I think maybe he felt heard and respected and that brought his guard down. Listen, I’ll be sure to keep my feelings in check lol but I genuinely feel like this is something worth going after. Hoo boy - yeah, now you're going to start overanalyzing everything he says and does and completely ignore what he told you. Dangling a r'ship out in front of you like a carrot that he "might" be ready for a month from now. Three months is plenty of time to know if you want a r'ship with someone. What do your friends know about the last few months that they would advise you to walk away? 1
poppyfields Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Hoo boy - yeah, now you're going to start overanalyzing everything he says and does and completely ignore what he told you. Dangling a r'ship out in front of you like a carrot that he "might" be ready for a month from now. Three months is plenty of time to know if you want a r'ship with someone. What do your friends know about the last few months that they would advise you to walk away? They are in an exclusive relationship, he's just not ready to be "serious" yet, he wants to spend more time together before he commits to that, it's only been three months. This has been posted several times already, including by the OP. Edited December 5, 2020 by poppyfields
Allupinnit Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: They are in an exclusive relationship, he's just not ready to be "serious" yet, he wants to spend more time together before he commits to that, it's only been three months. This has been posted several times already, including by the OP. I don't see 'the difference. They have sex, he surprises her at work with food and sweets, they go on dates. She's not even the one who brought it up. He's trying to manage her expectations. A lot of women and men on this thread agree with me, because so many of us have been through the exact same thing, and human nature tends to be the same for most of us. We've seen this play out before, not only with ourselves but also those around us. It seems even her friends who no doubt have heard about this guy for a few months agree as well. I wonder why? 1
Allupinnit Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 And what's the big deal with accidentally meeting the sister? That's weird. 5
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) I wonder what he even means. Obviously, there is some stipulation or distinction he sees between an “exclusive relationship” and a “boyfriend girlfriend relationship” . It cannot be argued that it does not ‘work out’ for some people. Poppy is one, but there are other examples I can think of where waiting has worked out favorably(at least in that person’s opinion). Obviously there are factors that can be argued about relationships where it takes some “warming up” or “coming around” by one party or another. But the bottom line is that people do you come around and that people end up together in the scenarios. However, I am inclined to agree with calmandfocus, that most of the time this is used by a lukewarm person to to string the other along and it doesn’t end favorably. It’s better to detach from expectations in these cases. (Insofar as that is even possible, which it typically isn’t when you like someone) Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
poppyfields Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) I think why it worked out for me and my fiancé was because I was (at the time) a bit “phobic” myself for lack of a better word, so these “push/pulls” or "back and forths" didn’t trouble me all that much; I understood why they happened, I never freaked out about it. Somehow I knew we would work it out. We had a really intense connection from the beginning so I had faith and trust in that and, honestly, allowed the Universe to guide us. I know that sounds super hokey, but it’s true. As I said previous, we had a few of these “glitches” during our journey toward commitment and now engagement. I almost broke up with him right before we got engaged. Not because of anything he was or wasn’t doing but because I was scared, I had been burned badly in a previous engagement and so I guess I allowed that negative experience to negatively impact our relationship. Same as what OP's guy is doing I suppose. I was completely over my ex, just nervous about moving forward because of what happened. Burned once, twice shy as they say. But we worked through it and here we are. I suppose that's how I can understand his behavior to a certain degree, and believe as long as @livinglife2019is happy, she should play it out. If he starts acting shady and distance, she can revisit the situation and end the relationship if that’s what she wants. But at least play it out. If she doesn’t, and just dumps, she will forever be second guessing herself. I believe we learn the most from experiencing things ourselves, making mistakes and learning from. Edited December 5, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, poppyfields said: But at least play it out. If she doesn’t, and just dumps, she will forever be second guessing herself. I believe we learn the most from experiencing things ourselves, making mistakes and learning from. I see, poppy. I think it would make more sense in your case since you were not even sure about the relationship at first either. In case of OP, I think the reason she is getting another perspective from some people is because she wants a relationship with him right now and is actually committing herself to one by the agreement of being’ exclusive’. By agreeing, she is closing the door to other men that would possibly really be into her and want a relationship with her and focusing on him exclusively, even though there is a clear difference readiness to commit. I definitely agree with the quoted. And I don’t know of many cases where OP did not allow their curiosity play it out until the end, to the chagrin of many posters. OP hopefully considers what people have said, but ultimately, they go their own way. Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Lotsgoingon Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Sounds good Living Life. Rock on! So he was this outgoing during the first three months?
Saracena Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, Allupinnit said: And what's the big deal with accidentally meeting the sister? That's weird. Yes strange. I'd like to know what exactly about his reaction prompted the OP to leave her sister at the door!? Out of interest, have you met any of his friends? Oh and at what point did you two become exclusive? At your request? Edited December 5, 2020 by Saracena Add Qs 1
Watercolors Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 Guys are so weird. I once dated a guy who downgraded me, then ramped up his attention on me for about a month before he finally dumped me by introducing me to his friends as just his friend. Good luck with everything OP. I tend to agree with the other posters that your boyfriend is still pining for his ex-girlfriend; that your friends are right to warn you; and that you will likely be dumped in the next month. I hope not, but if I were Dick Clark that would be my NYE prediction for your on-again-off-again relationship.
Alvi Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 OP, he is looking for a bigger better deal. He has all the time in the world to look around since he already has you. He is not that anxious, just taking his time to look around, compare. If he doesn't find anybody better, he will probably commit to you. You can stick around, hoping, wishing that he is not going to find anybody better. It may work out in your favor, one can never know. Or you can date other guys. Compare him to other guys as well. If he cannot call you his girlfriend, then find someone who can. 2
suckered Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 I don't really see him taking you to dinners, constant contact and visiting you at work as anything you should read into. The guy is probably one of those people who hates spending time alone, and now that he has removed guilt of leading you on (by telling you that he doesn't want anything serious), it's all systems go. You are great to kill the boredom with. I have had FWBs that texted me all they long, brought me to the family BBQs and it never changed into anything more. There were just the types of people who see doing anything alone as intolerable. This guys told you his intentions yet you chose to ignore it. Once he meets someone that blows him away, he will pull the plug and you will be left devastated. Then he will tell you that he told you all along that it's not anything serious and will vanish into thin air scot-free. 3 1
mortensorchid Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 Ouch... You might as well walk away because he's going to eventually or you will. Try to find someone else.
Ellener Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 On 12/4/2020 at 5:08 PM, livinglife2019 said: I don’t know how me just being accepting of his feelings has resulted in him upping his efforts etc I think there's a lot of pressure in relationships which there wasn't when I was younger. We all over-share, over-question and over-label stuff. Over-complicate everything. It's the internet I tell you!
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