He said the dreaded I Don't want anything serious

[kismetkismet]

9 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

I agree 100% that isn’t really isn’t the best thing to have a guy pump the breaks. But I respect his decision. 

I know you are all saying it’ll end up in heartache but isn’t that life? You’ve gotta take a leap of faith and trust what they say. 

It's sounds to me like your head and heart are in the exact right place. Things like this aren't a GOOD sign, but they're not necessarily a BAD sign either. And the goal in dating shouldn't just be about avoiding pain - you're never going to get anywhere in a relationship if aren't emotionally vulnerable sometimes. You're in the early stages of getting to know each other, so take the time to get to know each other. 

(And for the record - my husband was supposed to be a rebound ONS. I told him to pump the breaks many times in the first few months of our relationship. Things like that should just be  signals to keep an eye out for their behaviour. You don't necessarily need to thrown in the towel at the HINT of them possibly not being emotionally available, but you don't dive in head first either)

[KaterinaVon]

21 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

 

The only thing I could think of was the last time he stayed in mine, my sister texted me to ask to borrow my good wine glasses. He was definitely freaked out about her calling over. But I had her wait at the door while I grabbed them for her. 

So... he doesn’t want to call you his gf even though for several months you’ve been intimate, gone on dates, and the works. 
 

He ALSO doesn’t want to see your family as he “freaked” that your sister wanted to come inside. 
 

He sounds like he doesn’t want others knowing he is dating, especially his ex whom it appears he still hasn’t gone over yet. Perhaps he is hoping for a reconciliation and doesn’t want her knowing he is dating, but he wants to date to have someone because he feels lonely.

When someone wants you, truly wants you, you won’t be confused, you won’t be left wondering if they want you, you’ll know. He is not this man, the fact that you’ve been together for months and he is STILL lukewarm about you, is not promising. 
 

Also, him waiting outside in the cold to bring you some food means nothing, he did that after breaking your heart saying he doesn’t want to call you his gf, so to smooth things over he offers a peace offering. 
 

Do not let this guy lead you on and waste more of your time when you aren’t even considered a gf to him. 
 

Let him go and tell him to call you when he gets his life together and isn’t hung up on the ex. You sound like a rebound. Do not let him tell you he has no feelings for his ex, he clearly does or else he’d be HAPPY to call you his gf. 
 

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by KaterinaVon

[KaterinaVon]

29 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

It's sounds to me like your head and heart are in the exact right place. Things like this aren't a GOOD sign, but they're not necessarily a BAD sign either. And the goal in dating shouldn't just be about avoiding pain - you're never going to get anywhere in a relationship if aren't emotionally vulnerable sometimes. You're in the early stages of getting to know each other, so take the time to get to know each other. 

(And for the record - my husband was supposed to be a rebound ONS. I told him to pump the breaks many times in the first few months of our relationship. Things like that should just be  signals to keep an eye out for their behaviour. You don't necessarily need to thrown in the towel at the HINT of them possibly not being emotionally available, but you don't dive in head first either)

You are the girl in the relationship though, traditionally the man woos the woman, it’s cute your husband waited around for you to warm up to him. It could have ended with him having nothing to show for it, but thankfully he got to be with you in the end. 
 

However, the woman waiting on the wings for a man busy mooning over his ex and keeping her in a hushed relationship where he can’t be bothered to call her his gf even though they have probably had sex plenty of times and she’s probably “serviced” him in bed, this is DEGRADING to her and her self esteem. 
 

Most women  are not like men where they can have sex and keep feelings out of it. This guy doesn’t respect her and calling someone your gf isn’t marriage, he broke her heart with rejection and then to smooth things over brings her food that night. No man that cares about a woman will treat her like this. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by KaterinaVon

[SumGuy]

Must admit first only read the first page....

I wouldn't be concerned about his revelation.  So he feels uncomfortable with the word girlfriend...OK, it is just a word.  Plenty of men cheat on those they call girlfriends or even wives, the word, the label for your relationship, provides you with nothing.

I'd look at his actions, and what you have agreed to.  

Exclusivity, seeing each other often, he brings you dinner and stands in the cold, etc.  Sure sounds like he is doing "boyfriend" things.  And he is not adverse to next month or in the future calling you "girlfriend."  All in all think he is explaining more for himself than you, and being honest and sharing his feelings.   I interpret it as a good thing, actions speak louder than words.

After all, if this is how he treats you when not serious, and you are not his "girlfriend" it should get even better when he is serious  

[KaterinaVon]

7 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Must admit first only read the first page....

I wouldn't be concerned about his revelation.  So he feels uncomfortable with the word girlfriend...OK, it is just a word.  Plenty of men cheat on those they call girlfriends or even wives, the word, the label for your relationship, provides you with nothing.

I'd look at his actions, and what you have agreed to.  

Exclusivity, seeing each other often, he brings you dinner and stands in the cold, etc.  Sure sounds like he is doing "boyfriend" things.  And he is not adverse to next month or in the future calling you "girlfriend."  All in all think he is explaining more for himself than you, and being honest and sharing his feelings.   I interpret it as a good thing, actions speak louder than words.

After all, if this is how he treats you when not serious, and you are not his "girlfriend" it should get even better when he is serious  

If labels mean nothing then what’s the problem with easing her mind and calling her his gf ? His ACTIONS say he is willing to break her heart by denying her the exclusivity of a gf title. 
 

He is lukewarm about the relationship and he knows women can get attached quick and emotional, he wants to make things easy for when he exits her life, in his mind he won’t even look like the bad guy “ hey babe, don’t know why you are crying, I never said you were my gf” 

We are possessive about things we want, it’s human nature, heck, guy doesn’t even want to meet her family, he freaks out her sister was coming by! She had to meet her at the door.

This dude just wants a no strings attached fwb. If I were her I’d say “ you know, I really think we are moving too fast as well, I’m stopping the bj’s and the sex.” See how long he’ll stick around. 

[lana-banana]

I tend to agree with the above. While it's possible for relationships to begin with mismatched expectations, one person wanting something more before both are on the same page, I think those situations are rare. In every all-in relationship I had (including the guy I married) there was never a hesitation about taking the next step. More often than not we read stories like this and a few months later the guy ends things and responds to the shocked girl with "well, it's not like we were official".

It doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave, OP. If you think you can legitimately grow and cherish this situation without putting extra pressure on yourselves, then by all means. But to keep yourself from getting too attached I would give this an expiration date. If six months from now he's no closer to using the "girlfriend" label or considering this a serious situation, you should walk. There's a fine line between enjoying yourself and wasting your time.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said:

This dude just wants a no strings attached fwb. If I were her I’d say “ you know, I really think we are moving too fast as well, I’m stopping the bj’s and the sex.” See how long he’ll stick around. 

Lol, that's funny because yes of course any man would leave a woman with such a piss poor attitude, that's a no brainer!

And no man appreciates being manipulated by an insecure woman's ultimatum of "commit or no sex!"  Only a chump wouid stick around for that shyt.  

So, yes I agree, he will be gone so fast, her head would spin!  Just not for the reasons you think.

If she is unhappy with the slower pace or believes he is stringing her along, wish him well and walk.  Period, end of.

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

15 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said:

If labels mean nothing then what’s the problem with easing her mind and calling her his gf ? His ACTIONS say he is willing to break her heart by denying her the exclusivity of a gf title. 

Yep, you'd think but people are not that simple and maybe it implies a whole bunch more in his mind.   However, I take a person as a whole...yes this may be a downer but this is the kind of wart one can usually live with.  Given the context would not read in to this a whole slew or negative attributes.

Quote

He is lukewarm about the relationship and he knows women can get attached quick and emotional, he wants to make things easy for when he exits her life, in his mind he won’t even look like the bad guy “ hey babe, don’t know why you are crying, I never said you were my gf”

That is placing a lot of importance on the label, and not sure his past actions would reasonably lead one to assume this is his end game.   There are plenty of ways to be a jerk and exit without using that phrase, plenty of ways to exit and not be a "bad guy" even if he calls her girlfriend.    Unless you are implying the if someone is a "boyfriend/girlfriend" you must given them 60 days written notice or you are a bad person.    They have already agreed upon exclusivity, the kind of d***che bag phrasing you suggest in my experience only comes up when a guy cheats on the girl he is seeing....and it's BS unless they explicitly agree to be non-exclusive in my book.

Quote

We are possessive about things we want, it’s human nature, heck, guy doesn’t even want to meet her family, he freaks out her sister was coming by! She had to meet her at the door.

First, not sure to what extent I agree with you on human nature, but the behavior you describe does not mean he is not "possessive" (I'll say that word typically has a negative connotation).  It may be he is very much the opposite, that seeing parents and family imply a much more serious relationship and he takes that seriously, not just going along to keep her happy.

Quote

This dude just wants a no strings attached fwb. If I were her I’d say “ you know, I really think we are moving too fast as well, I’m stopping the bj’s and the sex.” See how long he’ll stick around. 

His actions don't seem to follow that.   They are exclusive, so not just FWB.  Sounds like he goes out of his way to do nice things for her, that's not just FWB or a booty call.  Will say again, how he is treating her sure sounds like boyfriend level, more so than many an official one. 

One can certainly shut down the sexual aspect of a relationship if feel it is going to fast, there are degrees of shutting things down, and pulling back versus slowing down going forward.

Edited December 4, 2020 by SumGuy

[KaterinaVon]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, that's funny because yes of course any man would leave a woman with such a piss poor attitude, that's a no brainer!

And no man appreciates being manipulated by an insecure woman's ultimatum of "commit or no sex!"  Only a chump wouid stick around for that shyt.  

So, yes I agree, he will be gone so fast, her head would spin!  Just not for the reasons you think.

If she is unhappy with the slower pace or believes he is stringing her along, wish him well and walk.  Period, end of.

It’s not manipulation, if a single guy can’t call a woman his gf then his you know what has no business being in any part of her. 
 

I DO agree with one thing though, if he is stringing her along which sounds like it, she should walk away. 
 

Edited December 4, 2020 by KaterinaVon

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I tend to agree with the above. While it's possible for relationships to begin with mismatched expectations, one person wanting something more before both are on the same page, I think those situations are rare. In every all-in relationship I had (including the guy I married) there was never a hesitation about taking the next step. More often than not we read stories like this and a few months later the guy ends things and responds to the shocked girl with "well, it's not like we were official".

It doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave, OP. If you think you can legitimately grow and cherish this situation without putting extra pressure on yourselves, then by all means. But to keep yourself from getting too attached I would give this an expiration date. If six months from now he's no closer to using the "girlfriend" label or considering this a serious situation, you should walk. There's a fine line between enjoying yourself and wasting your time.

Lana, but OP stated she does not want more, she never said a word about wanting more, feeling serious, or wanting to be serious.

She clarified they are pretty much on the same page.  She's cool with everything.

That's what was so odd about his statement, it was not provoked by anything she said or did.

And I don't get this cutting off the sex thing, like it's some punishment or something?  I am assuming she enjoys the sex as much as he does, so why cut off something that she herself enjoys and gives her pleasure?  

Not quite understanding that one.  

If she's unhappy with the sit which she does not appear to be, just leave.  

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

She's cool with everything.

Yeah sure and she is sooo cool about it, she is posting about it on LS...

[lana-banana]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Lana, but OP stated she does not want more, she never said a word about wanting more, feeling serious, or wanting to be serious.

She clarified they are pretty much on the same page.  She's cool with everything.

That's what was so odd about his statement, it was not provoked by anything she said or did.

And I don't get this cutting off the sex thing, like it's some punishment or something?  I am assuming she enjoys the sex as much as he does, so why cut off something she herself enjoys and gives her pleasure?  

Not quite understanding that one.  

 

It is clear from her posts that she does want more, even if she hasn't told him that (which is fine, by the way---it's totally fine to want a committed relationship!). If she didn't want anything more, she would've been completely indifferent to his statement and certainly not here calling it "dreaded" or posting about whether she should walk. When a guy says he doesn't want anything serious out of the blue, it's usually a matter of setting expectations, and it rarely ends well.

I didn't say anything about cutting off sex and have no idea what that has to do with anything.

[elaine567]

He has essentially demoted her to casual... they were going along swimmingly and progressing well and now she is not even gf material.... great.

[poppyfields]

She wrote in he

4 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I didn't say anything about cutting off sex and have no idea what that has to do with anything.

Another poster suggested she cut off sex.  I was responding to that.

[poppyfields]

Has anyone read read OP's recent posts?  Girl's got her head together!  

She knows what she wants, doesn't want and cool with how things are.  Taking a "wait and see" approach.  

He treats her well and she's happy.  She is not in love with him and clearly said if things dont work out, she'd be fine. 

She said she is observing him and as time goes on, will determine how SHE feels. 

Heck, she may lose interest and dump him!  Lol

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[CollinW]

55 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said:

If labels mean nothing then what’s the problem with easing her mind and calling her his gf ?

Because obviously there are implications that come along with the title. And he doesn't want to backtrack if it doesn't end up going down that road. 

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Has anyone read read OP's recent posts? 

Of course but I guess she is trying to save face and avoid splitting up with him as opposed to being really cool with it.
"Its all fine, really it is...! as she smiles through gritted teeth, clutching a tear soaked tissue...

[CollinW]

1 hour ago, KaterinaVon said:

If labels mean nothing then what’s the problem with easing her mind and calling her his gf ? His ACTIONS say he is willing to break her heart by denying her the exclusivity of a gf title. 
 

He is lukewarm about the relationship and he knows women can get attached quick and emotional, he wants to make things easy for when he exits her life, in his mind he won’t even look like the bad guy “ hey babe, don’t know why you are crying, I never said you were my gf” 

We are possessive about things we want, it’s human nature, heck, guy doesn’t even want to meet her family, he freaks out her sister was coming by! She had to meet her at the door.

This dude just wants a no strings attached fwb. If I were her I’d say “ you know, I really think we are moving too fast as well, I’m stopping the bj’s and the sex.” See how long he’ll stick around. 

There is nothing worse than a woman who weaponizes sex. I find women like you tend to not having else to offer besides that in the first place, which tends to be why men are hesitant to take things further. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Of course but I guess she is trying to save face and avoid splitting up with him as opposed to being really cool with it.
"Its all fine, really it is...! as she smiles through gritted teeth, clutching a tear soaked tissue...

That was not my take-away, to me she honestly sounds cool about it.  She has no reason to lie to a bunch of strangers on an anonymous forum.  

But you're certainly entitled to your own take-away. 

[KaterinaVon]

3 minutes ago, CollinW said:

There is nothing worse than a woman who weaponizes sex. I find women like you tend to not having else to offer besides that in the first place, which tends to be why men are hesitant to take things further. 

It’s not weaponizing sex. If she wants a relationship (which sounds like it or else why would she care he doesn’t see her as a gf) she should take it slow. Once sex gets brought into it, a woman starts catching even more feelings, without the guy even saying he wants her to be his gf. You don’t want to risk an std or unwanted pregnancies from a guy that only wants to get his D wet and have no strings attached sex. 
 

It’s like using a car you have no intentions of buying. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said:

It’s not weaponizing sex. If she wants a relationship (which sounds like it or else why would she care he doesn’t see her as a gf) she should take it slow. Once sex gets brought into it, a woman starts catching even more feelings, without the guy even saying he wants her to be his gf. You don’t want to risk an std or unwanted pregnancies from a guy that only wants to get his D wet and have no strings attached sex. 
 

It’s like using a car you have no intentions of buying. 

They are in an exclusive relationship Katerina.  He just told her two days ago after their convo that he wants them to spend more time together.   It's not casual nor FWB.

Labels don't actually mean a hill of beans to me either, they actually mean jack shyt at the end of the day.

I mean what's the point of having a label if your "boyfriend" treats you like garbage?  

OP's guy treats her well, she's happy, he trusted her enough to share his uncertainty (2nd stage) or whatever he is feeling, to me this is a positive. 

I guess people aren't reading posts which makes it very difficult to have a decent discussion about this. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[KaterinaVon]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

They are in an exclusive relationship Katerina.  He just told her he two days ago after their convo that he wants them to spend more time together.  

Labels don't actually mean a hill of beans to me either, they actually mean jack shyt at the end of the day.

I mean what's the point of having a label if your "boyfriend" treats you like garbage?  

OP's guy treats her well, she's happy, he trusted her enough to share his uncertainty (2nd stage) or whatever he is feeling, to me this is a positive. 

I guess people aren't reading posts which makes it very difficult to have a decent discussion about this. 

I guess in my mind a guy who freaks out about her sister coming in and her having to ease him by meeting her sister at the door, and not wanting to call her his gf, is not a guy that’s being exclusive. 

Just picture yourself going down on a guy and then imagine going out to eat and someone that knows him comes up to say hello and he goes “and this is um, uh, this is my friend”  
that’s embarrassing and degrading. 
 

Also, 100% true that some men that are married or have gf’s do cheat on them and don’t treat them well so just because they are married doesn’t mean they respect their vows or partner. That should not be what you tell yourself to convince yourself that your casual relationship is going good though.....

It is also not as if they met last week and they are new to each other. They’ve been seeing one another for months now and he still feels this detached.....

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by KaterinaVon

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said:

It’s like using a car you have no intentions of buying. 

Where did you get he has no "intention" of buying (getting serious)?  That is not what he said at all!  

I won't repeat what has already been posted by the OP, but again please read posts.  

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, KaterinaVon said:

I guess in my mind a guy who freaks out about her sister coming in and her having to ease him by meeting her sister at the door, and not wanting to call her his gf, is not a guy that’s being exclusive. 

Just picture yourself going down on a guy and then imagine going out to eat and someone that knows him comes up to say hello and he goes “and this is um, uh, this is my friend”  
that’s embarrassing and degrading. 
 

Also, 100% true that some men that are married or have gf’s do cheat on them and don’t treat them well so just because they are married doesn’t mean they respect their vows or partner. That should not be what you tell yourself to convince yourself that your casual relationship is going good.

It is also not as if they met last week and they are new to each other. They’ve been seeing one another for months now and he still feels this detached.....

 

Katerina, it sounds like you've been burned by men like what you describe and I'm truly sorry.  

But I think that's skewing your perspective a bit, and if OP reads your posts, they might actually harm her more than help.

None of what you describe has transpired between the OP and her boyfriend.  There was nothing mentioned about him being "detached" or having no intention of ever getting serious or committing, where are you getting this?  Not from the OP's posts.  

It's only been three months, and she is happy!  Why not let her be happy?  If it doesn't work out, so be!  

Interjecting all this negativity with no basis in fact isn't helping anyone.  

 

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[KaterinaVon]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Where did you get he has no "intention" of buying (getting serious)?  That is not what he said at all!  

I won't repeat what has already been posted by the OP, but again please read posts.  

She hasn’t posted any updates, guess we’ll see how it goes after her updates, from what I read, he sounds hung up on the ex and using her as the rebound, I could be wrong, that’s just how it’s coming across