He said the dreaded I Don't want anything serious

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Poppy glad your relationship worked out.  

But for every guy like your fiance, there are many more like me when I was younger--just confused and conflicted--when I've utter such things to a woman. 

I'm not impressed by the dinner nor by him standing in the cold. I've stood in the cold for bad dates I had zero interest in.  

Let's see what happens in the next two weeks, four weeks.

My bet: this guy will disappear for periods between now and the new year., and he'll justify it--if she calls him on it or feels enough standing to call him on it-- by saying, "told you I wanted to go slow.." 

OP, hope it does work out. Let us know over time. Hopefully I'm completely wrong. 

Bolded, not sure about "many more" but it's at least 50/50 which sounds more believable than 90/10.

I do agree with "let's see what happens within next 2-4 weeks."   Right now OP is happy and hopeful so that's really all she can do.  It's all a risk, never any guarantees.

And who knows, SHE may decide she's not into him!  Men don't have the market cornered on not wanting to be serious and losing interest.

Did you really do things like cook dinner and wait out in the cold before bringing it to a woman when you had zero interest?

Wouid you tell women you had zero interest in that you wanted to spend more time together getting to know each other? 

Just curious, but I am glad we finally agree on this!  Sort of anyway.

Nite.

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've seen several situations like this turn into marriage. BUT, the guy had talked to me about it and was looking for something better. When he didn't find it he settled for the woman. All three times I was very surprised the guys married the women because they definitely let me know they wanted something better. 

It's your decision. Do you want a relationship that begins with the guy being enthusiastic or not? I do and if a guy hesitated about me, I'd move on, not because I thought he wouldn't marry me, but because I want to be with someone who is enthused from the beginning and holds that enthusiasm.  No on the fence for me.

I realize not everyone thinks this way. You just have to decide what you want. It seems to me you and the guy might be in about the same place as you wrote you aren't madly in love with him.

Why do you want to stay with him? Do you think you can't do any better or are there just no other opportunities around?

[LivingWaterPlease]

17 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I've seen several situations like this turn into marriage. BUT, the guy had talked to me about it and was looking for something better. When he didn't find it he settled for the woman. All three times I was very surprised the guys married the women because they definitely let me know they wanted something better. 

 

Just thought of a fourth situation like this. In each the guy (who was dating someone else, not me) explained he wasn't interested in marrying the girl, just liked her enough to date her, because she wasn't what he wanted. Evidently the guys changed their minds but I do know it was because they couldn't find what they really wanted. I'm not questioning whether they love the women or not, or whether their marriages are happy. I assume they're happily married.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Highndry said:

I don't think this is anything to worry about at all. I'd be more worried if after a few months he was way too attached. The easier it is for people to jump into something, the easier it is for them to jump out.

That's how I feel. People certainly do like to make relationships seem complicated these days. I blame the internet 

[CollinW]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, if you're hesitant because of a past relationship, you are by definition not over the past relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't mention past gf having a big effect on your thinking and pace right now. 

I don't think the implication is he's hesitant, as there is no guarantee that he would be jumping head first even if he didn't just get out of anl relationship. 

And even if he was, so what? The best way to get over a previous bad situation is to see what's out there in the first place. 

[Wiseman2]

It's a strange statement coming out of nowhere when you are already exclusive 

It seems to be going quite well.

There's something in him or that he senses that makes him feel the need to announce that he's pumping the brakes 

All you can do is slow down on your end.

[Taramere]

11 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

 

 he said the reason he doesn't want a serious relationship right now is because of his previous one that ended in February, apparently there was cheating on his ex's side.

How long had he been with his ex for, livinglife?

[Ellener]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a strange statement coming out of nowhere when you are already exclusive 

Not really. I make it clear to potential partners I don't want to be with someone who has other sexual partners. Doesn't mean I want to get married.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm not impressed by the dinner nor by him standing in the cold.

Nor am I.
He dropped the bomb now he is taking the victim to the hospital, what a great guy!
High five to him...
He just managed to get a girl to accept a no commitment relationship and he essentially told her she is not relationship material...
And she is so besotted she went "Ah he is such a nice, kind guy... " 
No he isn't.
He now gets to call the shots and if he acts badly he has an insurance policy "I told you I wanted nothing serious..."
She also now will feel the need to pander to him to try to make him change his mind...
It was a bit of a risk, but I guess he knew the OP would stick around and it has paid off. 

Women are just so gullible...

[livinglife2019]

Well I appreciate all your reply’s and sharing your experiences etc.

I agree 100% that isn’t really isn’t the best thing to have a guy pump the breaks. But I respect his decision. 
 

I like the guy, am I head over heels in love? Absolutely not! I could’ve easily walked away after our chat. Said screw you, it’s either me 100% or not at all and I strongly thought about doing that. But I didn’t. Something inside me said don’t give him a little more time. 

I decided to give him a few more weeks, till the end of the month. He doesn’t know this lol. But I’m extremely busy with work so if we did go out separate ways I wouldn’t have the chance to start dating again until after the busy period. 

I don’t need a man to make me happy, lockdown actually helped me realise this and because of it, it gives me a confidence to know that if this one doesn’t work out the next one might or I might end up dating another 5 guys before I meet the right one. 

I know you are all saying it’ll end up in heartache but isn’t that life? You’ve gotta take a leap of faith and trust what they say. 
 

If it doesn’t work out, I’ll probably feel bad for a day or 2 and then move on like I have before but at least I’ll have enjoyed my time. 

I appreciate all you’re advice dearly, the good and the bad. 

I’ve got my head screwed on tight and I know what I’m getting into, I’ll give it a few more weeks. What’s a few more weeks in the grand scheme of things? Nothing really. I’m just gonna look at it as some company and fun for the next few weeks and if at the end of it he decides he doesn’t want anything well at least I’ll have had some fun. 

Thank you all
 

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

I know you are all saying it’ll end up in heartache but isn’t that life? You’ve gotta take a leap of faith and trust what they say. 

Actually, no not all of us said or believe it will end in heartache, I certainly never said that, nor did Ellener, and a few others.  

Might it end in heartache?  Of course, that could happen even if he were to tell you he wants serious! 

Or perhaps you might lose interest and end in heartache for him.  Anything could happen. 

Dating and relationships are all a risk.  There is always the chance we will get hurt.  If we do, we pick ourselves up, shake that * off and carry on. 

You seem to have a terrific (and smart) head on your shoulders.  You know what feels right and what doesn't. 

I for one and am glad you've chosen to give this a shot, and I actually applaud his honesty for sharing his feelings with you.

Many men would have kept their feelings to themselves leaving you in the dark about it.  He risked you walking away like many women would have, but honesty trumped self-serving needs like regular sex, etc.  I actually give him credit for that.   

It appears he trusts you with his feelings even when negative sometimes and that's a huge plus in my book. 

My fiance and I experienced a few of "shifts" as we moved towards a serious committed relationship.  He would sometimes pull back or I would.  It's important to be flexible and allow for these changing nuances imo.

But we got there and are getting married next year! 

Anyway, good luck @livinglife2019I hope it all works out the you hope! 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

I remember reading somewhere that commitmentphobic types usually get hung up on relationship milestones, like first sex, exclusivity, bf/gf, living together, engagement , marriage , first child, second child... etc, so whilst they may navigate certain milestones there is always the risk that the next one may just be too much and they will duck out... Any sign of feeling trapped and they will want to run and they often will do just that, no matter how "inconvenient" that may be for everyone else...
Here he is stalling at the bf/gf hurdle.   
Even if you get through this one, the next may not be so easy...
He has given you a warning, maybe it is best to listen and not get too carried away...
I get the "let's just see how it goes" but I see no point in getting more and more invested in a guy with "issues"...
The forum is full of people who have invested fully in people who did not deserve their investment due to obvious "issues"...

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

The forum is full of people who have invested fully in people who did not deserve their investment due to obvious "issues"...

The problem here is that he isn't showing any issues: He's holding hands, cuddly, being very attentive, thoughtful. This would throw anyone off from trouble. I find this dangerous because one sure can get carried away with thinking everything is so great, until one day they get the "So sorry, I don't think I can do this" speech. And then they are left stunned, hurt and confused.

[Ellener]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Women are just so gullible...

or bitter.

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

I don’t need a man to make me happy

Nobody does honey! That's the secret- being happy by yourself first. Then sharing that happiness.

Good luck, maybe this will work out maybe it won't, but you're having fun, learning about yourself and life, and moving joyously through your life without casting doubt or negativity around you. Well done!

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

My fiance and I experienced a few of "shifts" as we moved towards a serious committed relationship.  He would sometimes pull back or I would.  It's important to be flexible and allow for these changing nuances imo.

That reminds me of the Judith Sills book 'A Fine Romance', she talks about the push and pull as two people negotiate a steady relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, sounds like you are in a good place. Really good!  

Can I add something here--in favor of you?

I’m just gonna look at it as some company and fun for the next few weeks and if at the end of it he decides he doesn’t want anything well at least I’ll have had some fun. 

Partly correct. But in the next few weeks YOU also will be deciding. Deciding if he's worth continuing to spend time with.  Lots of powerlessness comes out when we think the other person is deciding. 

I say play a little game with yourself: really ask yourself as the weeks go by if this guy is really making you feel good, if he's really worth it. Ask yourself if you really appreciate his strengths and think his strengths outweigh his weaknesses, and whether his weaknesses are the kind you can work with.  And speak up about your preferences in everything from hobbies, music, food, politics, values.  Don't be afraid to acknowledge differences in style and thinking between you and him  You can even hang back a little and see if he steps up and takes initiative.  Relax and sorta see if the bond just organically works. 

It is painfully ironic that sometimes we "wait" for people when with a little thought (which is hard when our heart likes them) it's pretty clear the person wasn't a good fit anyway. 

Good luck. 

 

[poppyfields]

 

7 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Good luck, maybe this will work out maybe it won't, but you're having fun, learning about yourself and life, and moving joyously through your life without casting doubt or negativity around you. Well done!

Well said!

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[hippychick3]

23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, sounds like you are in a good place. Really good!  

Can I add something here--in favor of you?

I’m just gonna look at it as some company and fun for the next few weeks and if at the end of it he decides he doesn’t want anything well at least I’ll have had some fun. 

Partly correct. But in the next few weeks YOU also will be deciding. Deciding if he's worth continuing to spend time with.  Lots of powerlessness comes out when we think the other person is deciding. 

I say play a little game with yourself: really ask yourself as the weeks go by if this guy is really making you feel good, if he's really worth it. Ask yourself if you really appreciate his strengths and think his strengths outweigh his weaknesses, and whether his weaknesses are the kind you can work with.  And speak up about your preferences in everything from hobbies, music, food, politics, values.  Don't be afraid to acknowledge differences in style and thinking between you and him  You can even hang back a little and see if he steps up and takes initiative.  Relax and sorta see if the bond just organically works. 

It is painfully ironic that sometimes we "wait" for people when with a little thought (which is hard when our heart likes them) it's pretty clear the person wasn't a good fit anyway. 

Good luck. 

 

Well said! Too many women believe they are powerless in relationships with ambivalent men. Women should be evaluating and deciding if this relationship works for them, not waiting around for the man to make his decision.   

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That reminds me of the Judith Sills book 'A Fine Romance', she talks about the push and pull as two people negotiate a steady relationship.

John Gray also discusses this in his Mars/Venus series of books and articles.  The stages a couple experiences as they move towards the fifth stage - commitment.

The second stage, uncertainty/ambivalence, happens right around the three month mark. Right before a couple moves forward to the next level.

It's uncanny how many times I've heard and read of this happening, and also experienced.

I used to ask myself and discuss with others, what is it about three months?  Why three months?  No one has the answer, just one of those strange phenomenons that happens, right around three months. 

Sad part is, many women bail at this stage.  Just as is being advised on this thread.  Or they become insecure and clingy and start pushing. Which only serves to push the man further into ambivalence and the whole thing blows up.

Shame really because if they had understood these stages are normal, part or the journey, they might have ultimately discovered their partner was the love of their life!

Now could this guy be a "commitmentphobe" like elaine suggested!   Yes!  It's possible. But to bail before being sure that's the case?  

I don't agree with that.  

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

Is he really ambivalent?
"I don't want anything serious" sounds pretty sure and decisive to me, no ambivalence there.
He didn't actually need to say anything, at  this stage, but the fact he did needs taken into consideration.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is he really ambivalent?
"I don't want anything serious" sounds pretty sure and decisive to me, no ambivalence there.
He didn't actually need to say anything, at  this stage, but the fact he did needs taken into consideration.

He said right now he did not want serious, he wanted to continue dating and getting to know. Which I immediately found odd since the OP neither said or suggested either feeling serious or wanting to get serious.

These were his own internal thoughts and possibly fears - uncertainty/ambivalence.

It's only been three months.  Of course it takes time, longer for some, shorter for others.

Nothing is ever so black and white to suggest otherwise.

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

Op, it sounds like you have your head screwed on. You’re approaching this in a logical sense and your plan sounds good to me. At the end of the day you are in the situation, you know how you feel and only  you can make decisions based on what’s best for you. 
 

I think that’s the final point I want to emphasise; Irrespective or whose right or wrong here, you have to do what’s best for you. 
 

Your man has set the boundaries his side to reflect how he feels. Ok that’s up to him,   but that doesn’t make what he wants more pertinent than what you want.  They’re are 2 people to consider here; you and him. You don’t have to accept what he is or isn’t offering you, if it doesn’t  work for you. 
 

Good luck over the next few weeks. I’m sure you’ll make the right decisions (either with or without him). 

 

Please keep us updated and let us know what happens. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Fletch Lives]

20 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

the reason he doesn't want a serious relationship right now is because of his previous one that ended in February, apparently there was cheating on his ex's side. He then went on to say it doesn't mean that in a month's time he won't want anything serious with me but for the moment he just wants to continue to date and get to know each other before we commit. 

He's on the rebound, not over his previous relationship, not ready for love yet.

It will take him a year or years to get over it, depending on how long the previous relationship was. You are likely the rebound girl, and stand a high chance of getting dumped out of the blue.

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

How many months has it been? If you are exclusive and he is treating you well, then I think it’s fine for now because he was honest with you about his past relationship. He needs time to trust someone again. If he didn’t share that with you I’d be wary that he’s stringing you along. Do you like him enough to wait for him or do you want someone who commits right away?

Often, we are so obsessed with commitment that we ignore red flags and we just want the title and get it all now. Some guys call you their girlfriend right away only to crash and burn not long after. Maybe YOU should also take your time to observe if this guy is someone YOU want to commit to as well instead of worrying whether he likes you enough to commit to you or not. At least you know that you are both exclusive. And if you don’t pressure him into a corner, he might feel safer to come closer.