He said the dreaded I Don't want anything serious

[Lotsgoingon]

Why didn't bf say he wanted to go slow at the beginning?

And just remind yourself: it's NOT your job to reassure him. His previous gf cheated on him. HE has to work on that. Be yourself--either he's assured or not. Do NOT try to reassure him. You'll stop asking for what YOU want in the relationship. Already, you're in a position of "waiting" for him. He's already controlling the pace of things.  Insecurity will be the result. Insecurity and analyzing each and every little thing he says and does because you're so desperate for clarity on what the heck he means. 

 

[ShakeShake]

Completely agree you have every reason to be alarmed, definite red flags.

The fact that he is still not over his last relationship, is a massive red flag. So what if his ex cheated on him? That's no reason to not want something serious with you. He should know you are someone different, you are not his ex. If he is worried about being serious with you in case you do the same thing as his ex did, well that just shows he does not trust you. He is not ready to be in a relationship yet.

Also by telling you he doesn't want anything serious he is basically giving himself a get out of jail free card. When the time comes and he ends things with you he can turn around and say 'well I already told you I didn't want anything serious'. When two people want the same thing, then it all happens naturally. There's no need for him to be putting on the breaks already.

The whole thing about the wine glasses and being freaked out about your sister is just... odd and another red flag. As though he wants you both to live in your own little worlds, how he likes it, without any added responsibilities of having an official girlfriend, being introduced to family members as the boyfriend etc.

Off course he will carry on wining and dining you, he still wants to have the the physical (sex) connection, as well as all the nice things that come with having a girl in his life, until the day he meets someone who he does want something serious with.

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said:

 I think maybe he felt heard and respected and that brought his guard down.

Absolutely!  

[poppyfields]

Did I miss something?  Where was it posted he wasn't over his last relationship?

He told her his ex cheated, and because of that he wishes to take things slowly.  Makes sense to me!

Does not mean he is not over it.

[stillafool]

I thought exclusive meant committed.  How does one know they want to be exclusive and then decide if they want to be committed?  Those are some tricky words and sound pretty easy to get out of without the other party having a clue what's going on.

[Ellener]

7 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said:

I’ll be sure to keep my feelings in check lol but I genuinely feel like this is something worth going after. 

Good for you.I'm a believer in whatever the outcome- enjoy the journey If you're doing that well what more is there? Who needs a permanent label?! Then you'd probably be posting to say you're bored and can't settle down... 

I exaggerate but you get my point?!

[FMW]

Being freaked out about your sister stopping by was weird.  Why do you think that was?  Do you think he doesn't want anyone (including someone he doesn't know) thinking you're a couple?  Or did he think she was stopping by to check him out and that it was akin to "meeting the parents"?

FWIW, unless you feel you have to know right now where your relationship is going, I would roll with it and like poppyfields said, pay attention to how he treats you.  Of course as in all relationships, keep your expectations under control until things become more clear.  

There's a big difference between being strung along and just prudently taking your time to get to know each other and figure out how you really feel beyond the initial crush stage.  Especially since he was in a relationship with someone else when this year began, it wouldn't be wise to rush it.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why didn't bf say he wanted to go slow at the beginning?

Many, even most men, start off strong in the beginning.  Perhaps you never did but every single relationship I have had, the men have come on super strong in the beginning, then as things get more settled, there is a slight shift and they ease back.  All part of the "dance" if you will.   

I think it's important to look at his actions after he revealed this to her and her reaction.  She understood and accepted it.  She did not freak out and demand he's either with her or he's not!  She looked back on his actions and had faith and trust in their connection.  

That is so important imo, having faith and trust in your connection.

Anyway, after this conversation and her acceptance and respect, he dropped his guard and is now moving closer.  By making her the special dinner and telling her he'd like to spend more time getting to know.  Exactly what my fiancé did as well.

Like I said and Ellener said, enjoy the process, the journey.  There is no rush, you will get to wherever you both want to be in time.

If not, so be.  Learn from the experience and treasure the memory of your time together.

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

His last gf cheated on him, I wonder why?
I guess because of his lack of commitment and his emotional unavailability...

He has set you up for a time  of insecurity and anxiety,  he has taken control, he calls the shots. He can ramp it up or slow it down at will.
Meanwhile you are in no man's land, questioning everything..
Will he walk away as soon as he finds someone he is serious about?...Does he even like me?  Is he using me? When WILL he get serious?
This week, next week, sometime, never...
All the while, you get more and more hooked on the unobtainable.
Its a great trick.
Keep her guessing and on her toes...

Try not to feel too sorry for him, he knows exactly what he is dong.

[Ellener]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He has set you up for a time  of insecurity and anxiety, 

No, he is hesitant and @livinglife2019 is responding appropriately, they are having fun.

That's what it's all about.

 

[elaine567]

It is no longer fun when someone detonates that bomb, that is the problem ..

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is no longer fun when someone detonates that bomb, that is the problem ..

Whether it's a "bomb" or not is subjective and up to the OP to determine for herself.  Reading her posts, it doesn't appear she considers it a bomb.   When my fiancé said same, I did not consider it a bomb either and we are getting married next year.

Perhaps you didn't get this far in the thread, but immediately after their conversation, and her acceptance of it without the attitude you appear to have (no offense to you), he made her a special dinner and told her he would like to spend more time together getting to know each other.  In other words, he is moving toward her, closer to her.  That speaks volumes.

It's all part of the process, the journey, the dance.

That said, I agree there are some men who will say this and their actions reflect the same.  In that case, it's a straight NEXT.

I don't see that here from what @livinglife2019 has posted.

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[ShakeShake]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Did I miss something?  Where was it posted he wasn't over his last relationship?

He told her his ex cheated, and because of that he wishes to take things slowly.  Makes sense to me!

Does not mean he is not over it.

I would disagree that it makes sense. It's a very bad way of thinking. His exes actions should not determine what action he takes with OP, who is someone completely new and different to his ex.

If he was over his ex, he would not be using her as a reason to justify himself not wanting anything serious with the OP.

If he was ready for a relationship, his past would stay in the past and he would judge how to move things forward with the OP on the basis of their own relationship in the present, not a past experience with someone different.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, if you're hesitant because of a past relationship, you are by definition not over the past relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't mention past gf having a big effect on your thinking and pace right now. 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, ShakeShake said:

I would disagree that it makes sense. It's a very bad way of thinking. His exes actions should not determine what action he takes with OP, who is someone completely new and different to his ex.

If he was over his ex, he would not be using her as a reason to justify himself not wanting anything serious with the OP.

If he was ready for a relationship, his past would stay in the past and he would judge how to move things forward with the OP on the basis of their own relationship in the present, not a past experience with someone different.

So what you are essentially suggesting is to not learn from past relationships and/or mistakes?  

I disagree, every relationship, positive and negative, is an opportunity to learn and grow.  It does not mean we are not over it.  It only means we have learned from it.

My fiancé had a history of jumping into serious relationships way too fast, and they were a disaster.  He got burned, they got burned.   He was cheated on as well.

So with me, he wanted to go slow, so did I, so it worked.

OP said in her initial post she never told him she wanted serious, and after he said what he said, she was (and is) okay with it. 

And look what's happening?  He is moving closer.

She is happy with the way he treats her, and it appears she has faith and trust in the connection they have developed up to this point. 

Look, it's all a risk, no guarantees.  If it doesn't work, she learns from it.   But from what I read, she sounds very happy and open to allowing things to move slowly and gradually.  This sounds very positive to me!

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, if you're hesitant because of a past relationship, you are by definition not over the past relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't mention past gf having a big effect on your thinking and pace right now. 

The takeaway from this^ is never share your dating history with your partner, especially the negative, lest you be accused of not being "over" it.

Wow, okay.

Anyway, nuff said from me, I've said my piece.

Good luck @livinglife2019  Have fun and enjoy! 

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, livinglife2019 said:

Should I walk away?

Yes... because of this:

Quote

we agreed to be exclusive and we've been getting on really well to be honest. He then dropped the "I don't want a serious relationship yet"

he said the reason he doesn't want a serious relationship right now is because of his previous one that ended in February, apparently there was cheating on his ex's side. He then went on to say it doesn't mean that in a month's time he won't want anything serious with me but for the moment he just wants to continue to date and get to know each other before we commit.

Until he's at the point where he no longer brings up his ex that he was cheated on 9 months ago as a reason as to why he can't see that you are not his ex (and the comparison is insulting), then that means he's not over her enough to move on.  I'd tell him to look me up when he's done processing the demise of his last relationship.

Edited December 4, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He has set you up for a time  of insecurity and anxiety, 

Yep... this thread being here is exhibit 1.
He's after an FWB.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, ShakeShake said:

I would disagree that it makes sense. It's a very bad way of thinking. His exes actions should not determine what action he takes with OP, who is someone completely new and different to his ex.

If he was over his ex, he would not be using her as a reason to justify himself not wanting anything serious with the OP.

If he was ready for a relationship, his past would stay in the past and he would judge how to move things forward with the OP on the basis of their own relationship in the present, not a past experience with someone different.

Co-sign and welcome to LS!

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

The takeaway from this^ is never share your dating history with your partner, especially the negative, lest you be accused of not being "over" it.

Wow, okay.

Of course you will get to know your partner's dating history. But when you say I want to go slow because my previous partner was bad, yes, I see that as potentially a red flag, especially when said after you tell your partner of three month "I want to go slow."

 I wanna go slow 90 percent of the time means I'm not that into you. Sure, ten percent of the time, person really just wants to go slow. But 90 percent ... it' a sign of lack of interest.

 

 

[Highndry]

I don't think this is anything to worry about at all. I'd be more worried if after a few months he was way too attached. The easier it is for people to jump into something, the easier it is for them to jump out.

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Of course you will get to know your partner's dating history. But when you say I want to go slow because my previous partner was bad, yes, I see that as potentially a red flag, especially when said after you tell your partner of three month "I want to go slow."

 I wanna go slow 90 percent of the time means I'm not that into you. Sure, ten percent of the time, person really just wants to go slow. But 90 percent ... it' a sign of lack of interest.

I don't agree with the 90/10 percentage, not sure where you got that. I do agree that in some cases, telling someone you want to go slow, or not looking for serious, can be a huge red flag.  Men and women.  

How to know the difference?  By paying attention to actions.  Here, his actions were solid, she had zero complaints.  They were moving along nicely.  

So he got bit freaked, not uncommon at the 3 month mark (she said they've been dating a few months).  In fact, to me that's quite standard.    To me, based on his actions and how he treats her (very well from what she posted), and my own experience with my fiancé and other long term boyfriends, he started to develop feelings, and it's scaring him a bit.  And YES men do get scared.  So do women.  Of becoming vulnerable, of getting closer, all part of the dance if you will.  A bit of back and forth is to be expected imo.  I have always accepted that and it's served me well.  

I think it's really important to judge every situation on its own merit and not make black and white assumptions like you are doing here Lotsgoingon.  Again, look at it his actions after he told her, and her response.  Do you not think this is important?  He made her a lovely dinner, waited out in the cold and brought it in.  He told her he wants to start spending more time together getting to know each other! 

Are these the words and actions of a man looking to string her along until someone better comes along?  I don't think so.

My fiancé wanted to go slow.  Why?  Because of past relationships moving too fast, and being burned by that.  He learned from it.  I never assumed it meant he was not over those relationships, only that he learned from them, and took what he learned into our relationship.

I also think it's important to be flexible and allow for changing nuances.  Get rid of rigid rules and black and white thinking. 

I dunno, like I said it's all a risk.  If we assume the intentions of every man who wishes to take a step back and/or not willing to commit to "serious" at the few month mark are to string a woman along, and eventually dump her after he finds someone better, no one would get anywhere.

Perhaps that IS why so many men are hesitant to get into serious relationships these days.  All the premature demands made on them by insecure women who are so afraid of taking a risk and possibly being dumped, that they reject him even when they are happy and things are going well!  Which is the OP, at least right now at this point in time.

I don't get it.  I mean that attitude seriously boggles my mind.

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

57 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

But when you say I want to go slow because my previous partner was bad, yes, I see that as potentially a red flag, especially when said after you tell your partner of three month "I want to go slow."

^^^This. Right. Here.

As this is where his emotions are stuck... and granted, he may have been traumatized by the affront of the alleged affair--an unnecessary problem was created when he encouraged OP to consider entering into a committed relationship with him.  OP comes to him free and clear of all emotional entanglements. He's allowing her right off the bat to believe (to which she's had no reason not to) that he's ready to explore a new committed relationship (not an FWB)  and then, he slams on the brakes after how far he's allowed her in? That is the gigantic red flag.

It's cool to feel this way as long as one doesn't lead someone else to believe in a lie.  If he's really not ready to take on the feelings and emotions of someone who took his word when they made a joint decision that he was ready--and because of a woman he's supposed to be indifferent about-- then good! Slam on the brakes with him. That means no boyfriend perks. If he's not ready to follow the mind he "freely" spoke when he asked for the committed status, then she needs slow it downs even more and make a growth decision.

OP-Decide now if you want the demotion from girlfriend to FWB.

The next 3 1/2 weeks will put all of this in stark relief one way or the other.

Edited December 4, 2020 by kendahke

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Decide now if you want the demotion from girlfriend to FWB.

Where do you get he has demoted her to FWB?  The opposite, after they had this conversation, he told her he wants to start spending more time together getting to know each other!  How that being demoted to FWB?

Holy cow guys, I gotta sign off, this is getting a bit silly now.    Nite.

Edited December 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Poppy glad your relationship worked out.  

But for every guy like your fiance, there are many more like me when I was younger--just confused and conflicted--when I've utter such things to a woman. 

I'm not impressed by the dinner nor by him standing in the cold. I've stood in the cold for bad dates I had zero interest in.  

Let's see what happens in the next two weeks, four weeks.

My bet: this guy will disappear for periods between now and the new year., and he'll justify it--if she calls him on it or feels enough standing to call him on it-- by saying, "told you I wanted to go slow.." 

OP, hope it does work out. Let us know over time. Hopefully I'm completely wrong.