livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 I've been dating this guy for a few months, we agreed to be exclusive and we've been getting on really well to be honest. He then dropped the "I don't want a serious relationship yet" Now I was taken back a bit because we seemed to get on really well. He told me how much he liked me and that I make him smile all the time and that he loves that about me. I asked him why and he said the reason he doesn't want a serious relationship right now is because of his previous one that ended in February, apparently there was cheating on his ex's side. He then went on to say it doesn't mean that in a month's time he won't want anything serious with me but for the moment he just wants to continue to date and get to know each other before we commit. Now I should mention I never asked him for anything serious, just exclusivity and he agreed. He told me he is just dating me and that's all. I don't know if I handled it right. I agreed that we didn't have to rush into anything and that once we were exclusive that I was happy to see how things went. Some friends have sent me texts saying I handled it wrong and that I should have walked away. But I feel like he was being genuine and open. Should I walk away? He's a really nice and kind guy. I feel like he was genuine. We get on really well. He'll hold my hand almost all the time when we are out, open the door, carry my bags if i'm shopping or randomly surprise me with coffee & chocolate when I'm busy with work to cheer me up. This to me show that he does care and like me. What would you do in my situation? I could walk away but I might regret not giving it a few more weeks. I am invested and I do like him, I'm not mad in love so do you think it would be bad to give it a few more weeks? Or is he just blowing me off?
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 15 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said: I should mention I never asked him for anything serious, just exclusivity and he agreed. He told me he is just dating me and that's all. If you are exclusive and like him, see how it goes. Commit to what exactly, if you're already exclusive? Is he still talking to his ex? 2 1
Ellener Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 18 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said: I don't know if I handled it right. I agreed that we didn't have to rush into anything and that once we were exclusive that I was happy to see how things went. Some friends have sent me texts saying I handled it wrong and that I should have walked away. But I feel like he was being genuine and open. Trust your instincts. People can give bad or overly negative advice. Sounds like you are not head over heels infatuated so why not keep seeing him if you're enjoying it! 4 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you are exclusive and like him, see how it goes. Commit to what exactly, if you're already exclusive? Is he still talking to his ex? I think he meant officially calling me his girlfriend. No not that I am aware of.
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 36 minutes ago, Ellener said: Trust your instincts. People can give bad or overly negative advice. Sounds like you are not head over heels infatuated so why not keep seeing him if you're enjoying it! Yeah I thought the same. I’ll be smart but think I’d kick myself if I walked away without giving it a chance. 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 Also since our chat he surprised me with dinner. He waited in the cold outside my job with dinner for the two of us. I thought that was very sweet 2
poppyfields Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) Since you never discussed or even suggested you were seeking a serious relationship, my take is HE is starting to feel serious, it’s freaking him out, so to make himself feel better he tells you he is not seeking serious. lol My fiancé actually said this to me early on, I simply smiled and said “no worries, I am not wanting a serious relationship either. Let’s just have fun and see where the universe takes us.” After that, he started coming on stronger, wanting to spend more time, etc. I held my own and maintained a comfortable distance. In my experience guys will come on stronger and harder when you are a bit resistant. YOU need to set the pace, slowly, gradually. If it’s too fast (even when they’re pushing for it), some men will freak and start telling themselves (and you) stories about not wanting to be serious, when in fact they are the ones who are beginning to feel serious. It makes sense in a strange and rather convoluted sort of way. Follow your gut, because there are some guys that truly do not want to be serious nor do they ever intend to be. That does not sound like what’s happening here. My very first gut instinct when reading your post was HE is starting to feel serious and it’s freaking him out a bit. No biggee. Simply carry on. Edited December 3, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1
basil67 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 I think that a lot of the time, it takes 6-9 months to work out whether we really want to commit to a relationship with someone. If you've been together less time than this, I'd continue and see where it goes. But if you're getting to the 18 month mark and he's still feeling this way, then it's probably time to reconsider it.
poppyfields Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said: Also since our chat he surprised me with dinner. He waited in the cold outside my job with dinner for the two of us. I thought that was very sweet Told ya!
snowboy91 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Realistically what he's doing is just trying to slow the pace down a little. He's a little wary and hesitant for his own reasons, but is still interested in you. Many people getting into relationships ramp up expectations very quickly - like talking about how often they want to see each other, moving in soon, ring on the finger in x years, etc. He doesn't want to rush any of those things. I feel your current pace is actually fine. Like he said, he may see it different in a month's time, and if things are going well you may as well wait out those few weeks if you're happy. 2
clia Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 I think it's weird when people start splitting hairs between being exclusive/committed/serious/calling someone boyfriend/girlfriend, and I tend to view it as somewhat of a pink flag. So, basically, you are exclusive -- which means he isn't dating anyone else -- but he isn't serious about you or committed to you. I wouldn't even really know how to take that. It seems odd to me that he had to explicitly tell you that he didn't want anything serious. And what does that even mean in this context? You weren't demanding an engagement ring or asking him to move in with you! It seems like he is just trying to keep his options open. I get wanting to take it slow -- it's only been a few months and you are still getting to know each other -- but if he's exclusive with you, then I hate to break the news to him, but you are his girlfriend. I'm just not really sure what he thought would change if he was "serious" about you versus the current status of "not being serious with you." Maybe it's all on the level. You are the one dating him, so you know how he's been treating you. If you believe he's being genuine, then I don't think you really have much to lose by giving it a few more weeks or a month. But please be wary of being strung along. I personally haven't had good experiences with guys who didn't want to "commit" and wish I hadn't wasted as much time as I did waiting for them to come around (which they never did). 7
kismetkismet Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Since it's only been a few months I wouldn't worry TOO much about it, but like clia said, I'd consider it a bit of a 'pink flag.' When someone says that they aren't dating anyone else, but don't want a label, it can be one of two things. Either they're saying: "I'm not dating anyone else right NOW because I haven't met anyone else I want to date. But I don't want you to have any expectations of me." Or they're saying: "I only want to date you, but I don't want to intertwine our lives too much until we get to know each other better" Was there anything that triggered the conversation? Did you ask him to meet your family, attend an event or something along those lines that would be considered 'serious'? 1 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 11 minutes ago, kismetkismet said: Since it's only been a few months I wouldn't worry TOO much about it, but like clia said, I'd consider it a bit of a 'pink flag.' When someone says that they aren't dating anyone else, but don't want a label, it can be one of two things. Either they're saying: "I'm not dating anyone else right NOW because I haven't met anyone else I want to date. But I don't want you to have any expectations of me." Or they're saying: "I only want to date you, but I don't want to intertwine our lives too much until we get to know each other better" Was there anything that triggered the conversation? Did you ask him to meet your family, attend an event or something along those lines that would be considered 'serious'? I agree, I feel like he might be the until we get to know each other part. The only thing I could think of was the last time he stayed in mine, my sister texted me to ask to borrow my good wine glasses. He was definitely freaked out about her calling over. But I had her wait at the door while I grabbed them for her.
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) Something like that looks like he's dating someone else or truly isn't broken up yet. I would question that. I read this somewhere : He wants the company, security, cuddles, sex, outings, phone calls, meals together, weekend plans, but he doesn’t want the EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY of being someone’s partner. Edited December 3, 2020 by smackie9 5 1 1
Calmandfocused Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Am I being thick here? So you’re exclusive, he treats you exactly like your his girlfriend but he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend. Er.... what? So he’s saying that calling you his girlfriend equals a “serious relationship” ? Yet he’s behaving like you are his girlfriend? Sorry, doesn’t make sense to me. If it walks like a duck, talks like a talk and looks like a duck .... it’s a duck! End of! I’ve said this before on other threads; If the behaviour isn’t matching the words, then they’re setting up their “Get Out Of Jail Free” card - ie they can justify any behaviour of their choosing as they’re “not in a relationship” and have “been honest about where they stand” from the start..... ok! However, Poppy could well be right and that he’s guarding his heart. I had a similar thing said to me at the start of my current relationship. I put my foot down and made it clear that I wouldn’t accept any flimsy relationship boundaries (or labels). It’s simple, he’s either with me or he’s not. FYI he chose the former! Either way op I would advise that you have a conversation with him ASAP (what is this month thing? A month will make no difference). Put you foot down like I did and say what you want, if he can’t give you what you want, say goodbye and find someone who will. Simple. 1 2
Lotsgoingon Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) I think you have reason to be alarmed. And his promise that maybe in the future things will change ... that promise has broken so many hearts in relationships, including mine. Him saying he doesn't want anything too serious likely he means he's just not that into you or/and he's feeling suffocated in the relationship. Neither is under your control though. You can stay with him if you want. But my bet: you're going to walk around for the next months always worrying that you're asking too much from him, wondering if he's happy enough to stay in the relationship, wondering if you are giving him enough room. In other words, you'll be an insecure wreck because he's just pulled the ground out from beneath you. You'll be auditioning for serious relationship all the while pretending you are just going along normally. Total inequality baked in. Either the person feels lucky to be with you and is ready or not. And if you go forward now, there's a very good chance you'll end up being dumped by him. Look, any time I told a woman I wanted to go slower that simply meant I wasn't having a great time. If you're having a great time with someone and really appreciating someone, there is nothing to slow down. If you're feeling good in relationship, you don't think of the relationship as "serious." You think of it as a joy. And asking him "why" he feels this way is a complete waste of time. Half of the time people may not know why they are acting as they do, and the other half of the time, they are afraid to be blunt and direct. Keep going if you want, but I'd say there's a 75 to 90 percent chance he's gonna dump you. Edited December 3, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 3 1
Calmandfocused Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 44 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said: The only thing I could think of was the last time he stayed in mine, my sister texted me to ask to borrow my good wine glasses. He was definitely freaked out about her calling over. But I had her wait at the door while I grabbed them for her. I’ve only just read this since my last reply. It’s making more sense to me now. This is not good news. He’s keeping you compartmentalised. He’s got no interest in integrating anything between the two of you which is why he panicked. A committed man would not be phased by this. He’s keeping you in position where he wants you to be. A section of his life where he holds no responsibility, accountability or commitment to you. So I’m swinging towards my first observation as in my first post. And yes, if you allow this to continue he probably will break your heart. You need to shift theses dynamics sooner rather than later and reject this “offer” of a half relationship of whatever is it that he’s offering you. 2 2
CollinW Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 He's less than one year out of a relationship, I don't blame him for not being in a rush to jump into another one. Especially considering he got cheated on. I've realized you can enjoy being with someone but not be relationship compatible, need time to distinguish the two. 3 2
poppyfields Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: However, Poppy could well be right and that he’s guarding his heart. I had a similar thing said to me at the start of my current relationship. I put my foot down and made it clear that I wouldn’t accept any flimsy relationship boundaries (or labels). It’s simple, he’s either with me or he’s not. FYI he chose the former! Either way op I would advise that you have a conversation with him ASAP (what is this month thing? A month will make no difference). Put you foot down like I did and say what you want, if he can’t give you what you want, say goodbye and find someone who will. I hate to go against ya here C&F, but I have to disagree. I am wondering if you read my post in it's entirety because by not making a huge deal about it and instead choosing to judge his actions, my fiancé moved forward, closer to me, wanting to spend more time, etc. We are now engaged to be married. Even the OP herself posted that when she did not make a huge deal about it, he made a special dinner for her that night! The worst thing a woman can do while a man is in the process of moving closer is come down heavy-handed, by demanding she won't accept any flimsy relationship and "you're either with me or your not." You will having him running so fast AWAY from you, you're head will spin. C&F I am happy to hear that approach worked for you, but I think your situation and the OP's situation are entirely different. To me, what he said is fairly typical OP, he is in the process of moving toward you, closer to you, there will be a bit of back and forth (push/pull) during this process. It's okay, do not freak out and start pushing. Kiss of death. PLEASE don't make a huge deal about it by making demands or coming down heavy-handed. Judge by his ACTIONS, which seem very positive. He made you a lovely dinner after all immediately after this conversation and you not freaking out about it, didn't he? Judge by that and take it slowly, no pushing. This is my experience in nearly every long term serious relationship I have had, including my current. Edited December 3, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Telling someone you don't want a serious relationship yet IS an action, a very disruptive one. 4 1
Ellener Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Telling someone you don't want a serious relationship yet IS an action, a very disruptive one. disruptive? 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 I should mention after dinner he said to me that he wishes to spend more time with me and to really give us the opportunity to really get to know each other. something that I don’t think someone who’s playing games would say? I think if he was just using me he’d be happy to see me the same amount as we do now. Not more. I think he might have just gotten scared. I really don’t think if someone was stringing me along they’d want to increase the amount of time spent together and have more conversations etc 2
poppyfields Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Telling someone you don't want a serious relationship yet IS an action, a very disruptive one. Actually no they are words. Anyway, do not wish to debate about it, it was not my experience. Whenever a bf said it, including my fiance, I always went with how he treated me, and we carried on and eventually moved forward into a serious relationship. Slowly, gradually. OP, follow your own intuition here. When you pay attention to actions, how he treats you, you will have your answer. Imo and experience, he's just a bit freaked out at the moment, he'll get over it. Lol. All part of the dance. 1
poppyfields Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, livinglife2019 said: I should mention after dinner he said to me that he wishes to spend more time with me and to really give us the opportunity to really get to know each other something that I don’t think someone who’s playing games would say? I think if he was just using me he’d be happy to see me the same amount as we do now. Not more. I think he might have just gotten scared. I really don’t think if someone was stringing me along they’d want to increase the amount of time spent together and have more conversations etc Bolded, told ya again! I'm sure he appreciated you not pushing him about it like many women. Just relax. Enjoy the process, the journey. Allow him the freedom to move towards you at his own pace, do not push. Have fun and good luck! Edited December 3, 2020 by poppyfields
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Actually no they are words. Anyway, do not wish to debate about it, it was not my experience. Whenever a bf said it, including my fiance, I always went with how he treated me, and we carried on and eventually moved forward into a serious relationship. Slowly, gradually. OP, follow your own intuition here. When you pay attention to actions, how he treats you, you will have your answer. Imo and experience, he's just a bit freaked out at the moment, he'll get over it. Lol. All part of the dance. Thank you I’ve had men say it to me before and then the texts get fewer and fewer between etc. But with this guy it’s the opposite. I think maybe he felt heard and respected and that brought his guard down. Listen, I’ll be sure to keep my feelings in check lol but I genuinely feel like this is something worth going after. 2
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