Alvi Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) I've been talking to this guy on-line. Somehow he mentioned sending tons of messages to women with no result. Meeting tons of women who don't want a second date with him. I haven't asked any of this, he volunteered this information himself. I told him, hey, I like you, why can't you focus on the one's that like you instead? He went on a longer rant about getting scammed by some woman on the internet and trying to kill himself because of that. lol. Why do people shoot themselves in the foot that way? Strangely enough I liked him, well, before reading all his rants. Not anymore, of course, but I wouldn't have minded meeting him in person. Dating is mostly about rejection but if you find one person who likes you, why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? Edited December 3, 2020 by Alvi
Erik30 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, Alvi said: Dating is mostly about rejection but if you find one person who likes you, why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? The feeling has to be mutual though. Sure it's nice if someone likes you, but there's no point if you're not attracted to that person... But I don't know why this guy would be talking about it to you if he's interested. I don't blame you for losing interest. Being negative is very unattractive 1 1
Author Alvi Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Erik30 said: The feeling has to be mutual though. Sure it's nice if someone likes you, but there's no point if you're not attracted to that person... But I don't know why this guy would be talking about it to you if he's interested. I don't blame you for losing interest. Being negative is very unattractive He told me he was very interested to meet me. He was the one who was pushing the meeting from the very start. Even after the rants he still wanted to meet me. It's like he was totally oblivious to how it appears to look. Edited December 3, 2020 by Alvi 1
Voivoda Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Rejection brings obsession. It hurts your ego and you want to prove the other person that you are worth of their time and we know how that works.
Watercolors Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 49 minutes ago, Alvi said: I've been talking to this guy on-line. Somehow he mentioned sending tons of messages to women with no result. Meeting tons of women who don't want a second date with him. I haven't asked any of this, he volunteered this information himself. I told him, hey, I like you, why can't you focus on the one's that like you instead? He went on a longer rant about getting scammed by some woman on the internet and trying to kill himself because of that. lol. Why do people shoot themselves in the foot that way? Strangely enough I liked him, well, before reading all his rants. Not anymore, of course, but I wouldn't have minded meeting him in person. Dating is mostly about rejection but if you find one person who likes you, why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? Misery loves company. All you are to him, is a sounding board. Why are you hanging on to this guy, pining for him, when he's made it clear through his actions that he doesn't see you as a romantic potential with him at all. He just sees you as someone he can vent to online. No matter how much emotional support you show him, that will not change his lack of interest in you. I think you should delete and block and move on until you find a guy who IS interested in you, without you feeling the need to prove yourself.
carhill Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Most people who are social creatures feel better when liked; when rejected or unliked, it triggers an emotional response and focus on those negative emotions. Everyone deals with the milieu in their own way, FOO programming, socialization to peers, self-esteem, brain chemistry, etc, etc.
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) Negative people focus on the negative. Most likely that is what has driven away anyone that has come in contact with him. He doesn't realize that's why it happens, and blames others instead....that type of person would be called narrow minded. As they say you attract more bees with honey than vinegar. Edited December 3, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author Alvi Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 39 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Misery loves company. All you are to him, is a sounding board. Why are you hanging on to this guy, pining for him, when he's made it clear through his actions that he doesn't see you as a romantic potential with him at all. He just sees you as someone he can vent to online. No matter how much emotional support you show him, that will not change his lack of interest in you. I think you should delete and block and move on until you find a guy who IS interested in you, without you feeling the need to prove yourself. I am not hanging on to him at all. Not pining after him. Where did you get that idea? In fact, I've already told him that we would not be a good match. He was the one talking to me and telling me that he wants to take me out. How much he likes me. And just out of the blue writes to me about being rejected all the time. I told him, that I liked him so far. I tried to emphasize. A mistake, I see. After he told me that he got scammed on the net, I stopped talking to him. I was just wondering why someone would focus on the previous rejections so much to the point to point of ignoring when someone saying "Hey, focus on me, I see you like me, I like you too." In fact, I am glad dodged that bullet. There are many red flags about this guy, I saw them for what they are and didn't want to go any further with him. 1
Author Alvi Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Negative people focus on the negative. Most likely that is what has driven away anyone that has come in contact with him. He doesn't realize that's why it happens, and blames others instead....that type of person would be called narrow minded. As they say you attract more bees with honey than vinegar. Perhaps. I cannot see many women being attracted to such negativity. But why tell a potential date any of that? Edited December 3, 2020 by Alvi 1
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Alvi said: Perhaps. I cannot see many women being attracted to such negativity. But why tell a potential date any of that? Because he's just a negative person. That's all negative people do...complain. Like I said, he doesn't know that what comes out of his mouth, and his vibe, is what's causing people to reject him. Edited December 3, 2020 by smackie9 1 1
lana-banana Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 It's human nature. Why not think of all the wonderful things people have said about you throughout your life, instead of obsessively fixate on the one kind-of-mean remark somebody made ten years ago? That being said, when you get the point when you're suddenly bringing up stuff like this in conversations or on dating profiles, it's gone too far. I can't count how many guys I saw complaining about how "women don't like short guys" on their profiles. It comes off as just so bitter! It's never a good idea to be negative when you're trying to make a first impression.
basil67 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 23 minutes ago, Alvi said: Perhaps. I cannot see many women being attracted to such negativity. But why tell a potential date any of that? Because he likely doesn't realise the impact it has. Did you tell him why you chose not to see him? A young friend of mine recently refused to meet a guy who was a complainer. He came back a few days later and respectfully asked for feedback. She gave him an honest and helpful answer. He thanked her for her honesty and it sounds like he's going to take a look at himself.
Ami1uwant Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Alvi said: I've been talking to this guy on-line. Somehow he mentioned sending tons of messages to women with no result. Meeting tons of women who don't want a second date with him. I haven't asked any of this, he volunteered this information himself. I told him, hey, I like you, why can't you focus on the one's that like you instead? He went on a longer rant about getting scammed by some woman on the internet and trying to kill himself because of that. lol. Why do people shoot themselves in the foot that way? Strangely enough I liked him, well, before reading all his rants. Not anymore, of course, but I wouldn't have minded meeting him in person. Dating is mostly about rejection but if you find one person who likes you, why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? this is a general comment...not specific to this particular person it can be very frustrating like when in college and shortly after meeting and dating was easy. Now after a LTR and you are 35-40 and back in the dating scene you see how hard it is and online can be harsh. there have been numerous studies on human behavior and how they make choices when given many choices at once. one examp,e is the supermarket tasting samples. If you only give them 3-5 they can pick one and buy it that day in the store, and likely buy it again. Ifyou instead have 10 or more flavors to sample, people walk away without making a choice to buy. there have been instances if two peop,e Metin more traditional means like thru friends, thru church, or other common ways they probably would date 3-5 times and probably have some ltr. The same couple meeting via online tend to have 2 data and not date again because they were not perfect to start. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 4 hours ago, Alvi said: I've been talking to this guy on-line. Somehow he mentioned sending tons of messages to women with no result. Meeting tons of women who don't want a second date with him. I haven't asked any of this, he volunteered this information himself. I told him, hey, I like you, why can't you focus on the one's that like you instead? He went on a longer rant about getting scammed by some woman on the internet and trying to kill himself because of that. lol. Why do people shoot themselves in the foot that way? Strangely enough I liked him, well, before reading all his rants. Not anymore, of course, but I wouldn't have minded meeting him in person. Dating is mostly about rejection but if you find one person who likes you, why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? Lol, because he's a broken person like you've already figured out. You shouldn't put up with that for ONE minute. I'm glad you aren't interested. These people do that with all sorts of things, dating today, something else tomorrow--definitely you do not want to be attached to someone like this guy. Lol, I will just answer your question bolded with a similar one in return: why even waste a minute of your time wondering WHY people do this? Just recognized that they do and it's a pretty bad character trait and steer clear. Not much a reason to ponder the WHY's on this--some people are just natural born complainers. In the context of making a first impression, especially a dating first impression; frankly it's pretty stupid and socially inept so consider yourself lucky and keep it moving 2 1
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 I guess he learned very early on that if he complained and whined he got attention and he is still doing it. 1 1
Author Alvi Posted December 4, 2020 Author Posted December 4, 2020 4 hours ago, lana-banana said: It's human nature. Why not think of all the wonderful things people have said about you throughout your life, instead of obsessively fixate on the one kind-of-mean remark somebody made ten years ago? That being said, when you get the point when you're suddenly bringing up stuff like this in conversations or on dating profiles, it's gone too far. I can't count how many guys I saw complaining about how "women don't like short guys" on their profiles. It comes off as just so bitter! It's never a good idea to be negative when you're trying to make a first impression. That's my point. Let's say nice women told him that they don't like short men but one says that she always goes for the short guys. You think that short guy would be elated that he finally found the woman who likes him just the way he is. But no, instead, he is going to complain to her how nice other women don't like him. Instead of being happy, he dumps his unhappiness on her. I guess his insecurities are going to sabotage any potential good thing that might happen to him. 1
Author Alvi Posted December 4, 2020 Author Posted December 4, 2020 4 hours ago, basil67 said: Because he likely doesn't realise the impact it has. Did you tell him why you chose not to see him? A young friend of mine recently refused to meet a guy who was a complainer. He came back a few days later and respectfully asked for feedback. She gave him an honest and helpful answer. He thanked her for her honesty and it sounds like he's going to take a look at himself. O gosh, no. If a 51-year-old man cannot figure some basics about not scaring a woman away with his negativity, that's just on him. A person usually figures thigs out as he/she matures, or not. Maybe is he was younger, I could point out some obvious things to him. But at his ripe old age? Nope. Just as easy to block him. 1
Author Alvi Posted December 4, 2020 Author Posted December 4, 2020 2 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Lol, because he's a broken person like you've already figured out. You shouldn't put up with that for ONE minute. I'm glad you aren't interested. These people do that with all sorts of things, dating today, something else tomorrow--definitely you do not want to be attached to someone like this guy. Lol, I will just answer your question bolded with a similar one in return: why even waste a minute of your time wondering WHY people do this? Just recognized that they do and it's a pretty bad character trait and steer clear. Not much a reason to ponder the WHY's on this--some people are just natural born complainers. In the context of making a first impression, especially a dating first impression; frankly it's pretty stupid and socially inept so consider yourself lucky and keep it moving I guess I am wondering about a human nature. Why some people sabotage things for themselves? But you are absolutely right here, no point wondering. People are who they are. I just have carefully filter guys before meeting them. Glad I found out early enough about this particular guy. What a disaster would it be if I ever attempted to date him! 1
IntBrowser Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 7 hours ago, Alvi said: I've been talking to this guy on-line. Somehow he mentioned sending tons of messages to women with no result. Meeting tons of women who don't want a second date with him. I haven't asked any of this, he volunteered this information himself. I told him, hey, I like you, why can't you focus on the one's that like you instead? He went on a longer rant about getting scammed by some woman on the internet and trying to kill himself because of that. lol. Why do people shoot themselves in the foot that way? Strangely enough I liked him, well, before reading all his rants. Not anymore, of course, but I wouldn't have minded meeting him in person. Dating is mostly about rejection but if you find one person who likes you, why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? He need to be like me and spend $200 on memberships for 7 different dating sites lol
kendahke Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 7 hours ago, Alvi said: why complain about thousands others who rejected you before? Why not try to hold into that one person who actually might like you? Because he hasn't dealt with not being able to get his way and as a result, he remains in his own way. Your assessment is right-- no one owes anyone a relationship or devotion after one meeting. You'd be surprised how many people think that they are entitled to devotion and having their way. 1
kendahke Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, Alvi said: Perhaps. I cannot see many women being attracted to such negativity. Oh, you'd be surprised at how many women love a renovation project. They think their love is the one thing that will turn him around when he really doesn't want to be turned around--he wants to be right. Quote a 51-year-old man Yikes!!! He's too old to be that non-self aware. He's emotionally stunted and that's most likely why he finds himself where he finds himself. He needs a therapist more than he needs a new girlfriend. Edited December 4, 2020 by kendahke
basil67 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Alvi said: O gosh, no. If a 51-year-old man cannot figure some basics about not scaring a woman away with his negativity, that's just on him. 2 hours ago, Alvi said: I guess I am wondering about a human nature. Why some people sabotage things for themselves? You seem to be confusing age with knowledge and introspection. Some people have great social skills young and others struggle to learn them for their whole lives. You make it sound like he's deliberately self sabotaging, but reality is that he's probably not aware of how he is perceived. A person who struggles with social skills may well need feedback at 51. It doesn't mean you need to date him, but a bit of compassion and thoughtful feedback (if requested) ...as well as not making assumptions about what's going on with him never goes astray. Edited December 4, 2020 by basil67
Versacehottie Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 5 hours ago, Alvi said: I guess I am wondering about a human nature. Why some people sabotage things for themselves? But you are absolutely right here, no point wondering. People are who they are. I just have carefully filter guys before meeting them. Glad I found out early enough about this particular guy. What a disaster would it be if I ever attempted to date him! to be honest, the fact that you could come to the conclusion you did WITHOUT entangling yourself in people's whys or this specific guys is a GIFT. If you look at some of the threads going on right now, you will see many of them are the opposite where people get so caught up in the maybes/whys/other person's reason and thought process that they lose sight of the fact that what the person is offering---despite the whys--is simply not sufficient for them or a good, healthy relationship. Lol, I'm all for studying human behavior (my fave), but I think when you start to wonder about a guy's whys in relation to how come he seemingly rejected you or failed to see the good in you compared to others, it's a slippery slope that you don't really want to get on. It's a blessing in a way to be able to keep it very SIMPLE. Like "who is this clown with this unacceptable behavior--he's not dating material for me." BTW, I'm not sure you can fully filter for people like this. Give yourself credit that you pulled the plug immediately. I think to be so cautious that you prevent opportunities (like overly screening with knee jerk reactions from a sentence on a profile) is not great. But an hour on a date, probably gives you enough information to do that first pass filter for negative, critical insecure personalities. Good luck on the next one but don't let it get you down. You did the right things but it doesn't mean you still won't run into idiots because they exist in the world.
Versacehottie Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 5 hours ago, Alvi said: That's my point. Let's say nice women told him that they don't like short men but one says that she always goes for the short guys. You think that short guy would be elated that he finally found the woman who likes him just the way he is. But no, instead, he is going to complain to her how nice other women don't like him. Instead of being happy, he dumps his unhappiness on her. I guess his insecurities are going to sabotage any potential good thing that might happen to him. It's like an inferiority complex where they look to obtain the girls that likes tall guys to beef up their own ego through external validation. Therefore the girl who likes him at his shorter height is like a "lesser" catch, because in his mind she has lesser standards. But obviously it's an internal problem of his own self worth, but one which he takes out on girls who appreciate him as he is. Like the example someone brought up from the world of marketing for grocery store samples (good one which I'm familiar with), once an item is "discounted" or more accessible/too easy to get, people's natural tendency is to devalue it. Especially people who rely more heavily on EXTERNAL validation. So as that relates to this guy, in a way that means because you "accepted him" up front, you are like a girl from the bargain bin (sorry, I know your not, just describing how his mind is likely working) and he's not thrilled about it or appreciative of you and thoughtless about speaking about these other dates gone wrong. So Idk if you look at some designer piece of clothing but now it's 80% off, it generally doesn't have as much appeal as it did full price, as far as giving you that hit of excitement. (fact). People want what they can't have or can't have easily. If you do an experiment or watch in human consumer behavior examples of this abound. Plus you have to keep in mind that the complaints he has about these previous girls (speaking about your guy) is probably heavily biased to how he perceived the interaction with them and classified it after the fact once it didn't work out. For all we know, they rejected him for his substandard personality and the same issues you are rejecting him from, I've seen that happen. These guys are like the world is against me and no one likes me but they also aren't realistic about what they can pull ie their market value AND the one thing they can control, ie personality/charm/attitude they f*ck up. Lol, there is a poster on this site who has multiple threads going over a decent amount of time that is this personified. The funny thing with him is even when he dates "beneath" him, those girls reject him too. He is critical even step of the way.
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 Sorry to hear that. Aside from scammers, catfish and obvious red flags , there's a level of real people that need to be deleted and blocked asap. He's one of them. Time wasters, negativity, jerks,etc will contribute to burn out if you waste any headspace on it. Let's just say you can expect some wierdos out there and it's best to quickly recognize that and move on.
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