sushiandtacos Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Hi everyone! This is my first time posting ever on this forum so bear with me if I'm not doing this correctly I recently went on a first date with a guy that a mutual friend set up for the both of us. He got my number from my friend and texted me to go on a nice walk around the town we both live in. I honestly was not expecting much since I recently took a break from dating due to previous relationships/dating not working. Surprisingly I had a great time with him! We walked around for a few hours (much longer than I thought we would) and enjoyed each other's company getting to know one another. He walked me back to my car and asked to see each other again. Later that night he texted me saying how much fun he had and for us to hangout again the following week. I was honestly so excited and saw potential in something new starting. We didn't text much after that but I asked about how his day was going the following week in hopes of planning for our next date. He texted saying how he can't hangout anymore because of his recent breakup and needs more time, wishing me the best... I'm so confused! I honestly am feeling rejected especially after starting to open up again and putting myself out there after my dating hiatus. Why would he even agree to go on a date in the first place if he wasn't over his ex or ask me to hangout again? Thanks for reading my question!
ccas93 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 who knows why. dating is full of little frustrations and let downs like this. If you look at it positively, at least it was only one date and he didn't waste more of your time. It was a nice date you had, and you can definitely have that again with someone more available. 1 1
Author sushiandtacos Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 8 minutes ago, ccas93 said: who knows why. dating is full of little frustrations and let downs like this. If you look at it positively, at least it was only one date and he didn't waste more of your time. It was a nice date you had, and you can definitely have that again with someone more available. That is a positive way of looking at it thank you! Dating can be so tiring and honestly disappointing at times but I guess that's all part of the experience. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: Why would he even agree to go on a date in the first place if he wasn't over his ex or ask me to hangout again? Maybe she has recently popped back up and wants to try to make amends? I don't think this has anything to do with you personally. It seems he's got other things going on in his life and isn't as ready to move on as he thought he was. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: . He texted saying how he can't hangout anymore because of his recent breakup and needs more time, wishing me the best... Sorry to hear that. It seems like he's on/off with his GF and whoever set you up was trying to help him "move on". As confusing as it is, it has nothing to do with you. He's just not in a place to date. Brush it off and just keep talking to and meeting men until you find someone where a second date is mutually desired. 2 2
Blind-Sided Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 8 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: ... I'm so confused! I honestly am feeling rejected especially after starting to open up again and putting myself out there after my dating hiatus. Why would he even agree to go on a date in the first place if he wasn't over his ex or ask me to hangout again? Unfortunately... it was probably just an excuse to not go on the second date. 2 1
Author sushiandtacos Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Maybe she has recently popped back up and wants to try to make amends? I don't think this has anything to do with you personally. It seems he's got other things going on in his life and isn't as ready to move on as he thought he was. Thank you for your response! I think that is what I'm thinking as well. Its just hard not to take things personally sometimes.
Author sushiandtacos Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. It seems like he's on/off with his GF and whoever set you up was trying to help him "move on". As confusing as it is, it has nothing to do with you. He's just not in a place to date. Brush it off and just keep talking to and meeting men until you find someone where a second date is mutually desired. Yeah it's just hard not to take it personally sometimes especially since I was excited to hangout again. So was him asking to hangout again after and texting me he had fun was insincere and just trying to be nice you think?
Author sushiandtacos Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Unfortunately... it was probably just an excuse to not go on the second date. I think so too. Do you think him asking to do it again and texting me to plan for next week was just to be nice and a formality then? If so it left me confused 1
stillafool Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 57 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: I think so too. Do you think him asking to do it again and texting me to plan for next week was just to be nice and a formality then? If so it left me confused Maybe he did really mean this when he asked you but his ex popped back up and he knows he wants to be with her. I agree it had nothing to do with you.
Versacehottie Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) I think the most likely was that he wasn't feeling it like you were. That said, it was a setup so he might have handled it a lot more delicately. In a way, with a mutual friend, he is almost expected to say that especially if nothing was offensive from your end on the date--which on a setup, your behavior might have been better than normal (so nothing offensive) as well because of a mutual friend. I think in all things, people latch onto the excuse that is the least hurtful that may have a "bit" of truth to it--like in this case that he's not quite over the ex. Chemistry is less of a permanent on-off switch but is more like a dimmer on an adjustable scale IMO. He probably did not feel enough of a spark to get past the "do I want to see her again" threshold. I think sometimes when you are on a date with a person that is perfectly nice and attractive and got their stuff together but you just don't feel a spark, he was probably REMINDED of his ex as well. Like you are good just not enough for him to forget her. I would also say very importantly, that sometimes people want to be over it and moved on but don't realize until they are dating that they are not. It' possible that she also popped back up but I think it's a less likely scenario--unless they are constantly on-off and you were essentially a pawn in a well-meaning friend to try to make it off permanently. Friends do this sometimes. I do think that's a less likely scenario but it's possible. I agree with the thought that it was one date and consider yourself lucky that you didn't get strung along or had very little invested. Good luck! oops I would add that people often don't really assess what they really think of wanting to continue to date someone until they are done with the date and some time to reflect. They need a reason to KEEP dating you, especially if the date was "nice". Edited December 3, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Author sushiandtacos Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 31 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I think the most likely was that he wasn't feeling it like you were. That said, it was a setup so he might have handled it a lot more delicately. In a way, with a mutual friend, he is almost expected to say that especially if nothing was offensive from your end on the date--which on a setup, your behavior might have been better than normal (so nothing offensive) as well because of a mutual friend. I think in all things, people latch onto the excuse that is the least hurtful that may have a "bit" of truth to it--like in this case that he's not quite over the ex. Chemistry is less of a permanent on-off switch but is more like a dimmer on an adjustable scale IMO. He probably did not feel enough of a spark to get past the "do I want to see her again" threshold. I think sometimes when you are on a date with a person that is perfectly nice and attractive and got their stuff together but you just don't feel a spark, he was probably REMINDED of his ex as well. Like you are good just not enough for him to forget her. I would also say very importantly, that sometimes people want to be over it and moved on but don't realize until they are dating that they are not. It' possible that she also popped back up but I think it's a less likely scenario--unless they are constantly on-off and you were essentially a pawn in a well-meaning friend to try to make it off permanently. Friends do this sometimes. I do think that's a less likely scenario but it's possible. I agree with the thought that it was one date and consider yourself lucky that you didn't get strung along or had very little invested. Good luck! oops I would add that people often don't really assess what they really think of wanting to continue to date someone until they are done with the date and some time to reflect. They need a reason to KEEP dating you, especially if the date was "nice". Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you hit the nail on the head to be honest! I agree if he felt that spark then there would have been more of a reason to go on that second date, which he reflected after our initial meeting and find that we didn't have that. I think i just had my hopes up and was excited for the potential of something especially after my recent funk/break that I took, and took him asking me to hangout as a positive affirmation. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 I see this differently. Look a the overall collective. I think a high number of people have poor relationships with themselves, struggle to love themselves, have self esteem challenges, do not know who they are, or are recovering from damage from the past, or some other event. When one cannot develop a close relationship with self, how can they develop healthy ones with another? This is why sometimes earlier connections go smoothly....it can be a distraction until the reality comes crashing back. It appears both of you are not ready.....
Syd8 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 First time being rejected? Hell, try going through a lifetime of it. Anyways, sorry this happened to you. The guy is a jerk. Just movie on, it's his loss. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 2 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you hit the nail on the head to be honest! I agree if he felt that spark then there would have been more of a reason to go on that second date, which he reflected after our initial meeting and find that we didn't have that. I think i just had my hopes up and was excited for the potential of something especially after my recent funk/break that I took, and took him asking me to hangout as a positive affirmation. Thanks If you feel it was very close to the reality, I feel even MORE sure that is what it was. It's pretty rare on a setup up for people to handle it overly nice even if it doesn't reflect their genuine feelings. Because the person who connected you two is involved in a way--so no one wants to disappoint or be disappointing. Just spin you hopes as MOMENTUM. They will eventually put you in the the right direction. Life is more fluid and no matter who you have to be careful about being too hopeful and expecting that much of a fairy tale type thing. When it is real, it will feel like magic but be reciprocal--that's the only way you want it anyway. I think you are looking for EXTERNAL clues rather than depending more on yourself as the creator of your fate. Hope this makes sense--if you get this concept, it will pay dividends. good luck 1
ShyViolet Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 14 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: He texted saying how he can't hangout anymore because of his recent breakup and needs more time, wishing me the best... I'm so confused! I honestly am feeling rejected especially after starting to open up again and putting myself out there after my dating hiatus. Why would he even agree to go on a date in the first place if he wasn't over his ex or ask me to hangout again? Honestly you will never know the real reason. When he said he can't hang out with you "because of his recent breakup" that is probably just an excuse that he's giving because it lets you down easy and is the easiest thing to say. Who knows what the real reason is. He just changed his mind about you and decided that he's not interested. Maybe he is seeing someone else. Don't waste too much of your time worrying about this, it happens in dating. It happens A LOT. Just brush yourself off and move on. 1 2
kismetkismet Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 My guess is that either he's not over his ex and/or there's still something going on with his ex, or his feelings for you just weren't strong enough. This actually happened to me a few times in my dating years and I always felt pretty badly about it. I'd THINK I was over my ex and start dating, meet a nice guy and think maybe it could go somewhere, but then either my ex would pop back into my life somehow ,or I'd just realize that my feelings for the ex were still too strong to really get involved with someone new. Most of the time these were nice guys that i did connect with on the date. It just wasn't *enough* for me to pursue while I still had emotional baggage with the ex. 1
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