Petrol Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Hi, I need a little perspective here please. My BF and I have been together for about a year, during which we have never gone out on dates because he's building a house and had a lot of expense and bills. I've been understanding about this, and in general we're happy, but lately it's started to annoy me and I told him that. Last weekend we were invited to lunch with friends of his and we went and had a nice time, and this weekend we've been invited to another social thing with other friends of his who I have never met. I don't really feel like going because I'm not that social and also because I gave up a day last weekend to go to his thing, and so I feel like stating my case and telling him that I don't see why I should go because he never takes me out anywhere so why should I give up two weekend days to do something I don't want to. I'm actually really mad about it and trying not to have an argument with him about it. Am I being selfish?
Author Petrol Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 26 minutes ago, S2B said: Looks like you two may not be very compatible. any man that sees me for a week or so - and doesn’t take me out? That’s not the man for me. It shows he isn’t prioritizing me...and doesn’t value me. id end it. Yes, I got a little upset last weekend, his friends were all talking about where they'd been and what they'd been doing, and we never go anywhere or do anything, so I felt kind of lame and second rate.
carhill Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Are you and BF living together? What is your BF's response when you ask him out on a 'date'? An example could be a little picnic that you cook up and prepare a few fun finger foods to feed each other. My wife and I used to do that occasionally, sometimes 'out' and sometimes 'in'. How old are you and he? What is your relationship goal? Does his goal match up? 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 Unfortunately your relationship seems a bit one sided. He's building a house but has no money to date? Well that tells you something about his priorities and preferences. At this point you're upset because you are overinvesting and settling. It's unclear what happens when you plan dates and when you invite him to socialize with your people. Is he "too busy" for that? 2
Author Petrol Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 17 hours ago, carhill said: Are you and BF living together? What is your BF's response when you ask him out on a 'date'? An example could be a little picnic that you cook up and prepare a few fun finger foods to feed each other. My wife and I used to do that occasionally, sometimes 'out' and sometimes 'in'. How old are you and he? What is your relationship goal? Does his goal match up? No we don't live together. He will go on a date if I organize it, but I've only done that three times in a year, and I kind of felt like I was forcing him to go out for lunch or dinner. It's like he resents spending money on what he sees as frivolous stuff, and he can't see that romance is important.
Author Petrol Posted December 3, 2020 Author Posted December 3, 2020 15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately your relationship seems a bit one sided. He's building a house but has no money to date? Well that tells you something about his priorities and preferences. At this point you're upset because you are overinvesting and settling. It's unclear what happens when you plan dates and when you invite him to socialize with your people. Is he "too busy" for that? he will hang out with my friends, and spends heaps of time with me. But maybe I am just settling, because I don't feel special to him.
CollinW Posted December 3, 2020 Posted December 3, 2020 18 hours ago, S2B said: Looks like you two may not be very compatible. any man that sees me for a week or so - and doesn’t take me out? That’s not the man for me. It shows he isn’t prioritizing me...and doesn’t value me. id end it. Why don't you take him out? 1
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 22 hours ago, Petrol said: Am I being selfish? Yes. First there is a pandemic. You shouldn't be going out period because it's unsafe. But if you love your BF & want this relationship to work getting to know his friends is a great start.
kendahke Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) On 12/2/2020 at 10:56 PM, Petrol said: I'm actually really mad about it and trying not to have an argument with him about it. Am I being selfish? 'Tis the Christmas season at the end of a year of pandemic, he wants to include you in what gives him pleasure (the company of friends he most likely has not been around as much), so it's way more socially active this time of year than, say, February and March in the northern hemisphere. Were you going through this last year with him? Is this an all year long thing with him? Does he know that you're not keen on crowds? I don't think you're being selfish, as you feel how you feel, as much as it sounds like you're just not compatible if you two can't reasonably discuss a compromise that will work for both of you. You should both bend on stuff like this. It'll be over in less than a month. Question for you though: did he start building this house before or after he met you? Edited December 4, 2020 by kendahke
kendahke Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 22 hours ago, Petrol said: Yes, I got a little upset last weekend, his friends were all talking about where they'd been and what they'd been doing, and we never go anywhere or do anything, so I felt kind of lame and second rate. If you choose to stay with him, you should go do some things and next time they begin sharing their stories, have some amazing stories to tell them of what you did.. and the pictures to show them. No reason why you can't have something to share with them. I do think you need to make your feelings known to him because his way of doing things is impacting how you're beginning to feel towards him.
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Petrol said: No we don't live together. He will go on a date if I organize it, but I've only done that three times in a year, and I kind of felt like I was forcing him to go out for lunch or dinner. It's like he resents spending money on what he sees as frivolous stuff, and he can't see that romance is important. Ok he's low on investing time, energy or anything in you. He's investing in a house you'll never live in and a future you're not part of. He considers you what's called "a cheap date". Someone who puts up with crumbs while he invests in himself and his future. Do not take the helm and pick up the slack. Someone who is just coasting along for sex will simply take more advantage Do take turns planning etc., but don't overcompensate. Cheapskates are all about give an inch take a mile. Reconsider why you are wasting your time on someone who seems to be coasting along as long as you tolerate it. Edited December 4, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 On 12/3/2020 at 3:56 AM, Petrol said: we have never gone out on dates because he's building a house and had a lot of expense and bills. He is in no position to "date" anyone. He is using you and taking you for granted. BUT you are allowing it. You are getting angry and annoyed with a situation you apparently have no control over. What you are doing, ie staying in and supporting him in his project, is the job of a long term gf, a fiancée, a wife, someone who is investing in the long term. As you have no stake in the property, or certainty in the relationship, then all your "sacrifice" may be for nothing unfortunately. 1
clia Posted December 4, 2020 Posted December 4, 2020 You've been with this guy for an entire year and he's never taken you out on a date? You have more patience than I do, because I would've been gone long ago. What do you two do together? Are you really saying that you never go anywhere or do anything together?
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