Author Emmylou_H Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 Yes I think my lease is up in May. Also, since I have told him about things we have been getting along in a respectful manner. I’m not worried about having to wait until May currently at least. As for my old friend I hooked up with-I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t reached out at all and it has been over a week. I am doing my best to move on now because it appears he isn’t interested. I’m not sure there would be any other explanation for not hearing from him. I thought he really liked me and we definitely have always had good banter back and forth via messaging but I guess it was all an illusion. I’m shocked it came to a halt the way it did-I thought I would have at least heard something because my friend even said he seems to like me and have a lot of respect for me.
Wiseman2 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I have told him about things we have been getting along in a respectful manner. I’m not worried about having to wait until May currently at least. That's ok. At least this event got the overdue needed conversation with your live-in BF started, so you can each move forward from there rather than dancing around the elephant in the room. Think of it as a good sign that you are organizing your life in a more meaningful integrated way. 2
JRabbit Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 4 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I’m shocked it came to a halt the way it did-I thought I would have at least heard something because my friend even said he seems to like me and have a lot of respect for me. Unfortunately that was an act or your friend was just wrong. In the future do not get into bed with people when you don't know their intentions and you can't handle the outcome. This is a good time for you to be alone and maybe do some soul searching. 3
smackie9 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) Maybe he caught wind that you are living with now ex BF. Kinda stepping back and minding his own business. Edited December 10, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 Hmmm yea I mean he would have no idea about the situation since we don’t have any mutual friends. He really doesn’t strike me as the type to just ghost after something like this, I mean at the very least I know he is capable of showing respect and he is a nice person. I did talk to a counselor and she seemed to think it would be OK for me to reach out and share my feelings that it is hurtful to not hear from him after this amount of time, especially when he said we would be seeing each other again. I feel like a message like this may give me some closure, but at the same time I do feel apprehensive about sending a message sharing my feelings out of nowhere like that.
Wiseman2 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 32 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: I did talk to a counselor and she seemed to think it would be OK for me to reach out and share my feelings that it is hurtful to not hear from him after this amount of time, especially when he said we would be seeing each other again. Can you just send an unloaded text without the heavy-duty feelings/relationshipish talk? Why not just ask to get together for a drink/coffee? 5
Annonymous1234 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) I agree with Wiseman, here. Perhaps I am missing something in your interactions, as i have not gone back to re-read the entire thread. However, it appears that he has already suggested times when he would be available. Is the onus not now on you to simply reach out to him, and suggest a specific date/time - even if it is just to arrange a coffee meet? Perhaps he thinks it is you who is lacking interest - whether in a potential relationship, or even a FWB arrangement. Edited December 10, 2020 by Selkie1111 typo 1 1
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 The oP did all of the chasing here, the guy eventually showed up and took advantage of the situation and has gone radio silent ever since. He is no friend and he is not interested in the slightest. He may however be persuaded to hook up again if the OP does more chasing, but due to his lack of basic decency and interest showed after the last hook up, he may not be interested in even that... 4
basil67 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) On 12/7/2020 at 1:17 AM, Emmylou_H said: Well I don’t understand now everyone on here seems to think he is not interested in me. It hasn’t quite been a week yet it was on Tuesday. Is it because he has not reached out to make plans or contacted me? Feeling like he isn’t interested is more heartbreaking of a feeling than I thought it would be. I don’t understand what it is that I haven’t got and why I would be worth all the attention that night and nothing afterward. Because most of us writing here know that when a guy comes to hang out with us and gets all horny, it's generally going to be a ONS or an ongoing hookup. Heck, I learned this in my teens, except instead of a house, it was his car. Thing is, if a guy is really interested, he will at least take you out on a date. (Or whatever can be done within the limits of your COVID rules). To be honest, as soon as I started reading your story, I knew it was just a casual thing. This stuff about not understanding about what it is you haven't got is really just entitlement at play. NONE of us get everything we want. We don't get every job we want. We don't get to date every person we want to. We don't get to be friends with everyone we think is great fun. This is how life works. Ask yourself why you should should have outcomes which the rest of us don't get. Why were you worth the attention that night? Because he was horny and you were willing and available. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have hookups or ONS because it's your own business. For what it's worth, my husband was the result of something which could have been a ONS. But these situations are very high risk for being left high and dry. If you're not up to being treated as a casual, don't get intimate until you're actually dating and he's shown ongoing interest. 8 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I guess it was all an illusion. I’m shocked it came to a halt the way it did-I thought I would have at least heard something because my friend even said he seems to like me and have a lot of respect for me. One could equally argue that your act of not disclosing that you were already in a relationship was both creating an illusion and disrespectful on your part. The outcome could well have been a good dose of Karma. All that said, things seem to have sorted themselves out. You've broken up with your ex. You know that the guy you've been writing about here is after hookups only. Where you go with all of this is up to you, but at least you're not deceiving anyone and you know the truth about the hookup guy. In the meantime, please keep working with your counselor to build your resilience. Edited December 10, 2020 by basil67 2
smackie9 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 Your counselor is giving you some bad advice there. Ask him if he's interested in hanging out again, but for the love of god don't out pour your hurt feelings. It would be different if he was your BF, he's just a guy you had a ONS with. There are some things that are just not appropriate and expressing feelings to him is one of them. if you need to express your feelings write an email or letter, or in a journal, dear diary and don't send it. Sock it away and read it in a few weeks...you will have a sigh of relief that you weren't foolish enough to send it. 2
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 @Selkie1111yes he did give a range of days he would be free-basically 5 days starting yesterday but it was kind of "informal" the way he provided the days. He seemed excited about the idea at the time. One thing is that he was drinking and I wonder if he let his guard down because of that? I really didn't think I was being used in the situation at the time, and I really still don't think I was used. I don't know why I am so hesitant to reach out to him but I think it is similar to what @elaine567 stated that I have been the one to reach out to him and initiate things. I hate falling into that sexist idea that men have to lead all the time, its really uncomfortable. @Wiseman2I would just reach out again but I am afraid of more rejection. And I know I don't have much to lose but I can't seem to focus on what the best course of action is here. I think I am making the stakes seem a lot higher than they are simply because I have liked him for quite a while. To be honest I was SHOCKED that he initiated physical contact, and for so long. I was not expecting that and he made it clear that is not why he came to hang out. So I don't know, it just kind of organically happened. And in the moment, I was thinking it was OK and I could handle it. But looking back I think in the moment I did tell him I have thought about him often since we last saw each other and maybe he thought about that and backed off. It just frustrates me because he had been talking about how vulnerability and openness is the way you fall in love with someone, so I know he appreciates that but I don't know if the same rule applies to me-in other words is he only looking for that in other women and not me? 1 1
basil67 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 3 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: yes he did give a range of days he would be free-basically 5 days starting yesterday but it was kind of "informal" the way he provided the days. If you make a plan for one of these days and it's at his house, it will be a hookup only. If he's seriously interested, the meeting will not commence at his home. 2
introverted1 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 3 hours ago, basil67 said: If you make a plan for one of these days and it's at his house, it will be a hookup only. If he's seriously interested, the meeting will not commence at his home. If he was seriously interested, he'd have contacted her by now. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 Ok, you'll have to decide if when how you want to get together. His place is out because of roommates, your place is out because of the live-in BF. You are overanalyzing this and telling yourself "sex just happened", when in fact you used your friends place for this purpose and as a cover-up for your BF Therapy is to help you understand yourself. However this analysis paralysis is not working if you can't shoot out a simple text to grab a coffee or something. 1
JRabbit Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 23 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: He really doesn’t strike me as the type to just ghost after something like this, I mean at the very least I know he is capable of showing respect and he is a nice person. Nope, sorry but your account of him is just wrong. Believe actions that are in front of your face, not words or other peoples thoughts. There are a lot of people out there who can fake all that. Even in relationships until one day the truth comes out. What is the truth is what he has shown you. Reaching out will gain you nothing.
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 (edited) Actually he messaged me today and asked some really thoughtful questions about how I am doing. I am glad I did not overreact and message something I would have regretted. Thank you so much for that advice, @smackie9. I kind of felt that my counselor may not have been giving me the best guidance. Edited December 11, 2020 by Emmylou_H 2 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 @Wiseman2 thank you for your positive, logical feedback as well. 1 1
Annonymous1234 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 I'm glad to hear he has reached out to you - are you going to meet up? 1
Miss Spider Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 (edited) A couple questions after several days of radio silence after a hook up over a week ago. Doesn’t take much to keep some people hanging on Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 (edited) @Shortskirtslonglashes I was friends with him for years before this. I think implying that I am hanging on simply based on a text is a false belief on your part. I think he is genuinely seeing how I am and that is how I interpret it. Edited December 11, 2020 by Emmylou_H 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 @Selkie1111 I am not sure if we will meet up. Honestly I’m ok now regardless of the outcome. I was just stressed that I got burned again by someone I care about and deceived. But I was writing a script in my mind that I think is based in relationship trauma. It’s reward enough for me to realize I was imagining him not caring at all when I knew so strongly in person there is at least some connection there. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 Alrighty. Not like anyone here can stop you. For what it’s worth, I do hope it works out for you. 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 11, 2020 Author Posted December 11, 2020 @Shortskirtslonglashesthank you for your input and support. I do hope most of all that I can continue to feel good about myself, regardless of the outcome. 2
basil67 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 (edited) 55 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: @Selkie1111 I am not sure if we will meet up. Honestly I’m ok now regardless of the outcome. I was just stressed that I got burned again by someone I care about and deceived. But I was writing a script in my mind that I think is based in relationship trauma. It’s reward enough for me to realize I was imagining him not caring at all when I knew so strongly in person there is at least some connection there. You’re not taking any personal responsibility for the risk of getting burned in this situation. The risk here was because of your assumption assumed that sex = romantic interest. If you want to avoid this in the future, don’t hook up with a guy who you’re not actively dating. You also have no moral ground to stand on when it comes to being potentially deceived, as you definitely deceived him. I’m sure he does like you and has some connection. But at this point, there’s no reason to believe it’s a romantic connection. If you are going to see him again, only agree to it if he’s suggesting a date of some description. Im glad you’re seeing a therapist. Have you done any work on building your own resilience? And for looking at how your own choices may have played a part in previous relationship trauma? Edited December 11, 2020 by basil67 2
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2020 Posted December 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Emmylou_H said: Actually he messaged me today Did you message him first?
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