Author Emmylou_H Posted December 5, 2020 Author Posted December 5, 2020 @Shortskirtslonglashes no I did just call him my roommate so he has no idea. It wasn’t appropriate to get into those details when we were hanging out and I figured if I needed to bring it up at a later time I would. But it hasn’t come down to that at this point. 1
poppyfields Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) Intense sex can really hook you in, but sometimes, perhaps more so for men, that's all it is. You'd be wise to not read more into it than that, easier said than done I know. Jmo but if what you're wanting is a relationship with this guy, then I think you will be disappointed. You say you don't, and that you'd be okay with FB, but that doesn't jive with this: >> I truly wanted to approach our hangout as a friendly interaction but it essentially turned into intense physical/emotional interaction and now I’m having a hard time believing something like that holds no meaning for the other person.<< Holds meaning? It appears you've become attached. My sense from your interaction is that he doesn't share this same sentiment. I could be wrong. Reach out, talk to him. Edited December 5, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) That’s good. Yeah, I don’t see why that necessarily be an issue, then. We hear the story of guys falling off or losing substantial ‘interest’ after an early hookup around here often. If he’s not interested in building the relationship outside of hookups, I’d say that’s all he’s interested in at the moment. At least you are now officially single! Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: I told him about what happened. He knows I have had feelings on and off about this guy since before we were dating. I am not sure what our living situation looks like right now. I told him I don’t think this will go anywhere because I am worried the other guy won’t be interested in seeing me again and I’ll just be getting my hopes up. Again I would be ok with FB but I just need to communicate that to him, which is a conversation I haven’t had with him yet. I’m genuinely concerned that I haven’t heard from him yet tbh. So I don’t want to jump the gun and get happy or hopeful just yet. I wonder if you could explain further what you mean about collateral damage? What was the last text that you sent to him? How long has it been since he responded? You could be freaking out over nothing. FB is a very casual relationship. There are very low expectations. He could literally just hit you up once a month when he wants to have sex and be within the parameters of an FB. Problem arises when you say you are cool with FB and you start putting bf texting etc expectations on him Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 5
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 5, 2020 Author Posted December 5, 2020 @Shortskirtslonglashes well I messaged him on Tuesday just to say I hope work went ok for him since we were up so late and I told him I had a nice time hanging out. And he said likewise and thanked me for inviting him over and that he has had easier days at work but that he would be going to bed soon. So I said goodnight hope he gets some rest. So Tuesday was our last text interaction. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 If you are in a FWB arrangement, the woman is allowed to call to set up the next "get together". Its actually kind of expected that she tell the guy when to "come over". At least in most of my FWB arrangements, it was kind of an unwritten rule that the male does not ask and waits for the female to call him over. I did have one FWB arrangement that was the same day of the week (each week and no other days) -- her rule. 1
stillafool Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 27 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: @Shortskirtslonglashes well I messaged him on Tuesday just to say I hope work went ok for him since we were up so late and I told him I had a nice time hanging out. And he said likewise and thanked me for inviting him over and that he has had easier days at work but that he would be going to bed soon. So I said goodnight hope he gets some rest. So Tuesday was our last text interaction. I'm sorry Emmy but it sounds like he's lost interest. He could have used that opportunity to set up a date to see you again but didn't. It doesn't sound promising. 4
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) It is all about you setting up the meet, after him ignoring you. You asking during the meet if he will see you again. You asking on Tuesday if he was OK after the meet. From him basically nothing, apart from tossing you a few dates which also seem to have meant nothing... Not a hope in hell of this going further IMO. Edited December 5, 2020 by elaine567 2
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 Doesn’t sound like he is interested. Not a lot of follow up at all from him. I mean, if you continue to throw your self at him he may have sex with you again. 1
smackie9 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 If you want to dig any deeper then your friend would know more at what is going on possibly. 1
poppyfields Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: @Emmylou_Hwrote: >> I truly wanted to approach our hangout as a friendly interaction but it essentially turned into intense physical/emotional interaction and now I’m having a hard time believing something like that holds no meaning for the other person.<< Emmy, time to get real with yourself. Placing or hoping for "meaning" from a ONS or hook up is not someone okay with FB. You will get hurt. You are already hurt. There is no meaning in a hook up other than sex. Best to own it, and deal. Accept the reality of that. Ask yourself if you'd truly be ok with FB. I don't think you would be based on the above quote, I could be wrong. Edited December 5, 2020 by poppyfields 4
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 6, 2020 Author Posted December 6, 2020 I mean would it be so bad for me to reach out sometime next week closer to when he said he was available and see what is up? I have known him for a while so I would probably be cool with eventually telling him how I feel about all this as well. I feel like if anything else I would really appreciate closure if it is the case that he isn’t interested.
ShakeShake Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I mean would it be so bad for me to reach out sometime next week closer to when he said he was available and see what is up? I have known him for a while so I would probably be cool with eventually telling him how I feel about all this as well. I feel like if anything else I would really appreciate closure if it is the case that he isn’t interested. If you are happy being in a FWB relationship with him, nothing more, until he meets someone else and starts a real relationship with them, at which point you will be dropped faster than a hot potato then sure reach out to him. Does he really need to spell it out to you for you to see that he is not interested? As it's clear as day. You have know this guy for years and years. Nothing serious is going to happen... ever. He does not feel about you how you feel about him. Much better to move on, stop wasting time communicating with him, and find someone who wants more than just to get into your knickers. 3
Miss Spider Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 (edited) If you want, go right ahead. It seems clear to me he is not that interested though. He might come around though if you pursue him enough. However, it will be more out or convenience and/or flattery than genuine interest. Also, you are making an assumption that he even wants an FB. He may have other women on his list or people he is spinning to get sex from. Sometimes, there’s not enough there to want it again with the same person when you can get something new somewhere else... Not sure why you are stuck on this particular guy who is not reciprocating interest, but I’m sure you have your reasons. Edited December 6, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 On 12/3/2020 at 9:09 AM, Emmylou_H said: So I am actually living with a partner I haven’t been sexually active with in a long time, and we are essentially friends living together due to rent costs, This is the main problem. The old flame/hookup, merely illuminated how bad this situationship really is Focus now on what to do about your housing, finances and how to get the momentum to pull yourself out of the complacency rut and live your own life 2
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 6, 2020 Author Posted December 6, 2020 Well I don’t understand now everyone on here seems to think he is not interested in me. It hasn’t quite been a week yet it was on Tuesday. Is it because he has not reached out to make plans or contacted me? Feeling like he isn’t interested is more heartbreaking of a feeling than I thought it would be. I don’t understand what it is that I haven’t got and why I would be worth all the attention that night and nothing afterward.
Acacia98 Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Does he know about your situation with your partner? That you live with him? Sorry if I missed that. I wouldn’t tell guys that you’re living with a partner/ex. Just refer to him as a roommate if you have to. I have a friend who was roommates with her ex for a long time. They were way over, just renting a house together. Sounds awkward, but she dated and is married now Why encourage her to be deceptive? What if this fling or another actually turns into a long-term relationship and then 5 years down the road, he finds out her "friend" was actually a partner then an ex, living under the same roof? Just like that, his trust in her will be shattered. He'll spend day and night wondering if she was sleeping with her "friend" the whole time. Then she'll be back here on Loveshack, brokenhearted. OP, you're a grown woman. You don't have to tiptoe through life lying to your friends and potential lovers and ex. Get your life in order. If it means moving out and taking time to be by yourself first, then do that. That way, when you're actually ready, you can have all the casual sex you want or get into a relationship without having to lie to anyone (including yourself). Edited December 6, 2020 by Acacia98 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: Feeling like he isn’t interested is more heartbreaking of a feeling than I thought it would be. I don’t understand what it is that I haven’t got and why I would be worth all the attention that night and nothing afterward. Stop torturing yourself and just call the guy. Pick a day from the list he provided and go enjoy yourself. 2
Acacia98 Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: Well I don’t understand now everyone on here seems to think he is not interested in me. It hasn’t quite been a week yet it was on Tuesday. Is it because he has not reached out to make plans or contacted me? Feeling like he isn’t interested is more heartbreaking of a feeling than I thought it would be. I don’t understand what it is that I haven’t got and why I would be worth all the attention that night and nothing afterward. Sounds like you're looking for affirmation of your value in the wrong place. You've already mentioned your fear of rejection. So maybe your self-esteem is low? Being in a long-term relationship with a partner with whom you were not intimate must have taken its toll. I seriously believe you need to do the work of disentangling yourself properly from your ex and getting yourself back to an emotionally healthy place before you get involved with any new guy. 1
introverted1 Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: Well I don’t understand now everyone on here seems to think he is not interested in me. It hasn’t quite been a week yet it was on Tuesday. Is it because he has not reached out to make plans or contacted me? Feeling like he isn’t interested is more heartbreaking of a feeling than I thought it would be. I don’t understand what it is that I haven’t got and why I would be worth all the attention that night and nothing afterward. Because interested people act interested. If he was interested, he would be in touch, he'd set up another date. He's done none of that. If he were to reach out again (without you prompting) it would likely be for more sex, nothing more. As for the bolded, I am not sure this is the right question. You were both in the same place at the same time, both ready and willing to have sex, so you did. The "attention" he gave was situational: he did not have to expend a lot of effort, wasn't in a hurry to be somewhere else, and it was fun in the moment. Many people (not just men) can enjoy a night of sex without necessarily needing to repeat it, nor with it having any particular emotional connotation. OP, how old are you? You sound very young, and it's not uncommon for people in their teens and 20's to find themselves in these convoluted situations. It might be a good idea to get your own house in order: break up with your current live-in bf, get your own place, spend some time reflecting on why that r/s didn't work and what changes you need to make going forward, work on your self-esteem. Then, once you have a better understanding of what you want/need in a partner, as well as what you can bring to the table, it will be time to date. Monkey branching from one partner to the next usually just masks or transfers emotions and rarely leads to a lasting or satisfying relationship. 5
zenmama2 Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 Even if you and your roommate are only living together, it sounds like it was a relationship at some point. Does he know you developed interest in someone else? End your current relationship before you enter something new. Cheating is destructive to everyone.
Allupinnit Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 On 12/6/2020 at 11:42 AM, Happy Lemming said: Stop torturing yourself and just call the guy. Pick a day from the list he provided and go enjoy yourself. Most people are not wired for FWB. If she keeps sleeping with him, whilst lying about living with her ex, she'll be setting herself up for a lot of embarrassment and heartbreak. OP don't reach out to him again. I know it sucks, it's happened to me, too. But now you know you like him beyond a hookup or you wouldn't be thirsty for his attention outside of that. And get your own place. Then you can have men over whenever you want and won't have to hide it from anyone. 2
Happy Lemming Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Allupinnit said: And get your own place. Then you can have men over whenever you want and won't have to hide it from anyone. I don't think the OP can, she mentioned a lease. Unless her landlord is willing to allow her to break the lease, she is kind of stuck. ( I am making the assumption this is not a "month to month" lease.)
Allupinnit Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I don't think the OP can, she mentioned a lease. Unless her landlord is willing to allow her to break the lease, she is kind of stuck. ( I am making the assumption this is not a "month to month" lease.) Well leases have an expiration date. I'd also ask my roommate to start searching for a new one and that I wouldn't be renewing. When my ex roommate moved out before our lease was up the mgmt company allowed me to transfer into a smaller unit by myself for a fee. There's always a way. But I suspect OP didn't want to make any waves unless this FB actually liked her back. Edited December 9, 2020 by Allupinnit 1 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 9, 2020 Posted December 9, 2020 16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: But I suspect OP didn't want to make any waves unless this FB actually liked her back. I think she told the "live in" ex-boyfriend everything, though?? 16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Well leases have an expiration date. You are correct. I didn't ask the OP the expiration date of the lease, but thought it was a ways off. Again, I made that assumption based on the fact that she didn't mention the end date (of the lease). Perhaps I made the correlation with her graduation in May (masters program) with the ending of the lease.
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