are we incompatible

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

I can't hold back my desire of wanting to have sex,

Yes you can. You did it before you met her.  Self discipline.

She doesn't sound like she's into you in a romantic boyfriend/girlfriend way. You're good as a buddy to hang with and smooch with, but as far as being your sex partner, she ain't checking for you like that.

It's time to face facts that she and you are not on the same page, let alone not being in the same chapter of the same book.

[hokage240sx]

12 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, I get the sense that you believe you’re at fault for wanting sex. You are not! Do yourself a favour and stop believing that you are. 

Usually couples are in the honeymoon stage at the 3 month mark and sexual relations are frequent. 
 

Look there is worse to come; you pursue this relationship and you will end up in a sexless relationship. You’re getting a sneaky preview into the future here so Sit up and take note. Is that what you want? 
 

She has the right to move a relationship at her pace with her own boundaries. However so do you!  Do not sacrifice your own needs to proritise the needs of someone that you’ve only been dating 3 months. 
 

I am much older than you (41) and I am a woman, but  I would be going out my mind if I was you. Sexual relations are very important to me in a relationship. Seems they are for you too and that is perfectly ok. 
 

She’s not the girl for you I’m afraid. You’re flogging a dead horse. 

this is how I have felt, but with all the other responses now I feel guilty for wanting sex haha. jeez this has been a learning experience

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well yes. Incompatible in the sense that you want differing things.

Maybe it's time to set both yourselves free.

yea I might just have diner, than end it. 

10 hours ago, salparadise said:

I'm having trouble figuring out where the two of you are sexually... did she have sex for the first time a few weeks ago? And you say sometimes, which implies not always, so I'm wondering if you're not getting any sex or just not as much as you'd like?

Overall, it sounds like she's holding you at arm's length and giving you and your needs zero validation, whereas you're always trying for more togetherness. This seems childish to me, and at 20 she may very well  be mostly a child. I think you need to assert your independence (don't chase), say what you feel and what you need... and if she just doesn't give a flip about what you need, that's your answer. Eight years isn't much for an older couple, or even people in their 30s, but to a 20 year old it's nearly half of her existence. 

One other thing... when someone is withholding and doing the avoidant routine, the solution is to give them more space than they bargained for. On some level they enjoy having you at their beck and call and keeping you anxious. You have to reverse that dynamic and show them that you aren't need and could walk away. Of course when this is the case, it may be best to actually walk away.

it does feel like a push and pull game. I don't like it. yea I might just say what I need, if she doesn't want to negotiate, im probably gonna break it off. I can't handle it anymore. yea I just found out about the avoidant attatchment, really makes sense.

she has mentioned her parent neglected her. had a controlling toxic ex boyfriend. she has said that she doesn't like to show affection verbal or physical. - I never met anyone like this, and I think I just brushed it off and thought she would open up easier. which she is at time. but the relationship will go good, then it'll go bad and it'll feel like day one agian. im obviously making mistakes on my end also, but something just doesn't feel right. 

4 hours ago, boymommy said:

Ugh it's a huge pain! This is the story of my life. I have worked on becoming more secure with myself so I can (in turn) attract more secure partners and not avoidant ones. Once you feel better about yourself and more secure you will start attracting what you put out there. I actually may be secure in general but due to dating mostly avoidant people I have anxious attachment while in a relationship! That may be your issue as well.

The main issue is that what is out in the dating pool (especially as you get older) is more anxious and avoidant attached people because secure people are better at maintaining and staying in relationships. So they are less available. But sometimes you get lucky and find a secure person coming back into the dating pool after getting out of a relationship (they are more willing to leave a problematic relationship then anxious/avoidants are) but they don't stay on the "market" long because they are highly desirable! Sometimes secure people will stay single longer if there is a huge amount of anxious/avoidant people in the dating pool though because they won't just settle for a bad partner and will keep dating until they find someone who is more compatible with them. Just some tips based on what I know about attachment and dating and how to find someone. You can usually spot someone who is secure because they will be really responsive (but not overly so) and they will comfortable with self disclosure but also want to move at a very even pace. It won't be fast, it won't be slow. It will be just medium speed, very consistent. 

yea I never realized I had these issues as well. I never realized avoidant people existed. ive mostly met really open and loving people. so this one kinda shook me up. yea it definetly is teaching me a lot. I honestly will feel bad to end it with this girl. I really think she cares, but her behavior is cold. im sure she will be sad, but the more I try to do to fix something, the worse it gets for some reason. its really weird. 

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I remember the days someone would really catch my interest even tho they were too incompatible, and no real future....boy was I stupid back then.

Trust me on this one, stop with the lets wait and see what happens this weekend or that day or after the new year on and on.....you are kidding yourself that giving these chances something will change.....no chance in hell my friend, no chance.

Have dinner, breakup

 

lol yea this is my first time experiencing this, so weird.

yea, honestly probably gonna go with this. 

atleast I can break up in person, thats important to me. 

[boymommy]

4 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

 

yea I never realized I had these issues as well. I never realized avoidant people existed. ive mostly met really open and loving people. so this one kinda shook me up. yea it definetly is teaching me a lot. I honestly will feel bad to end it with this girl. I really think she cares, but her behavior is cold. im sure she will be sad, but the more I try to do to fix something, the worse it gets for some reason. its really weird. 

 

My experience too. I feel like something I have learned in attending 12 step programming for codependency is that if you are going to be in a relationship with an avoidant you CAN'T try to fix the relationship because they feel that's a threat against them. They have serious issues from childhood (as we do but we are like "over-loved" whereas avoidants are neglected/abused). So they perceive that as "unsafe" when you try to help them because they have no basis for a nurturing and supportive caregiver. Their gut reaction is to go into self protective mode and pull away or the flip side attack out of self preservation. It's almost like they think they are being abused..but it's just a person who cares about them trying to resolve a relationship problem. Which is so strange to me that for whatever reason that feels threatening! 

[hokage240sx]

4 minutes ago, boymommy said:

My experience too. I feel like something I have learned in attending 12 step programming for codependency is that if you are going to be in a relationship with an avoidant you CAN'T try to fix the relationship because they feel that's a threat against them. They have serious issues from childhood (as we do but we are like "over-loved" whereas avoidants are neglected/abused). So they perceive that as "unsafe" when you try to help them because they have no basis for a nurturing and supportive caregiver. Their gut reaction is to go into self protective mode and pull away or the flip side attack out of self preservation. It's almost like they think they are being abused..but it's just a person who cares about them trying to resolve a relationship problem. Which is so strange to me that for whatever reason that feels threatening! 

its like you are reading my mind. this person did have a bad childhood experience. yea its so frustrating I wish I could get along with this person better. o well. its like I can't talk anything out with them. 

[boymommy]

4 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

its like you are reading my mind. this person did have a bad childhood experience. yea its so frustrating I wish I could get along with this person better. o well. its like I can't talk anything out with them. 

Yeah you usually feel like you are going around in circles at times. Communication often gets shut down (by them) because they employ distancing strategies designed to keep their partners at arms length. A person who is open to intimacy isn't going to do that. A closed system (them) is going to do everything they can to continually avoid a deeper connection with their partners. Resolving conflict often brings couples closer. They know this so they have to avoid conflict resolution or at the very least try to block attempts at it. 

[hokage240sx]

Just now, boymommy said:

Yeah you usually feel like you are going around in circles at times. Communication often gets shut down (by them) because they employ distancing strategies designed to keep their partners at arms length. A person who is open to intimacy isn't going to do that. A closed system (them) is going to do everything they can to continually avoid a deeper connection with their partners. Resolving conflict often brings couples closer. They know this so they have to avoid conflict resolution or at the very least try to block attempts at it. 

I wonder what is the right approach then. they obviously are just pushing everyone away. 

[boymommy]

Just now, hokage240sx said:

I wonder what is the right approach then. they obviously are just pushing everyone away. 

Haha, I am in my third long term relationship with an avoidant and to heck if I know! The best thing I have come up with is try to get close "just enough" and if they throw up road blocks to that..that's when you respect them and back off. Don't take it personally and back off. Let them feel comfortable and come forward again inch by inch. It does happen the more you let this happen but it requires more patience and security on your part. You CANNOT be insecure yourself or take what they are doing to heart. I have historically been very insecure like you are describing you are in my current relationship and therefore come off as very pushy to my boyfriend. But in my moments of greater security he has managed to come forward. More recently I have been very secure and done more of the tactic I just told you. We have had much less of a push/pull dynamic with this. I know when to back off at just the right moment. I no longer get anxious when he needs space or takes a long time to respond. I just go with it and let him come back to me when he's ready. Coming previously from a super anxious attachment pattern this is progress for me! 

I don't know the direction my relationship will currently take (posted another thread about the issues) but I can say that in the meantime it's proving more successful for getting along with him. 

[d0nnivain]

When someone works this hard to push you away, take the hint & go. 

You are not wrong for wanting sex.  She is not wrong for wanting to avoid sex if it's painful.  

For you a relationship is a priority & you want somebody to spend time with.  She withholds affection & has a busy life.  She is sort of trying to fit you in but you will always want more then she's willing to give.  A relationship is an occasional thing for her but not you.  

It sounds like you have offered some compromise.  You are trying to reign yourself in but she's not meeting you half way.  

Are you sure you fancy her & not just because you can't have her?  

[boymommy]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

Are you sure you fancy her & not just because you can't have her?  

My instinct would say there is some of that. I think that's a lot of my attraction if I am being honest. Someone more "available" isn't nearly as exciting. Can't analyze someone who is an open book! 

Edited December 2, 2020 by boymommy

[hokage240sx]

8 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Haha, I am in my third long term relationship with an avoidant and to heck if I know! The best thing I have come up with is try to get close "just enough" and if they throw up road blocks to that..that's when you respect them and back off. Don't take it personally and back off. Let them feel comfortable and come forward again inch by inch. It does happen the more you let this happen but it requires more patience and security on your part. You CANNOT be insecure yourself or take what they are doing to heart. I have historically been very insecure like you are describing you are in my current relationship and therefore come off as very pushy to my boyfriend. But in my moments of greater security he has managed to come forward. More recently I have been very secure and done more of the tactic I just told you. We have had much less of a push/pull dynamic with this. I know when to back off at just the right moment. I no longer get anxious when he needs space or takes a long time to respond. I just go with it and let him come back to me when he's ready. Coming previously from a super anxious attachment pattern this is progress for me! 

I don't know the direction my relationship will currently take (posted another thread about the issues) but I can say that in the meantime it's proving more successful for getting along with him. 

 

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When someone works this hard to push you away, take the hint & go. 

You are not wrong for wanting sex.  She is not wrong for wanting to avoid sex if it's painful.  

For you a relationship is a priority & you want somebody to spend time with.  She withholds affection & has a busy life.  She is sort of trying to fit you in but you will always want more then she's willing to give.  A relationship is an occasional thing for her but not you.  

It sounds like you have offered some compromise.  You are trying to reign yourself in but she's not meeting you half way.  

Are you sure you fancy her & not just because you can't have her?  

I haven't really sat down and had a conversation over the meeting up thing. but Im sure she will just want the once a week thing. 

I think I fancy her. but I think I definetly am attracted to the fact that I can't have her. I don't know why. 

4 minutes ago, boymommy said:

My instinct would say there is some of that. I think that's a lot of my attraction if I am being honest. Someone more "available" isn't nearly as exciting. Can't analyze someone who is an open book! 

yea, I like the that it feels like a challenge. but at the same time it is miserable. im a open book as well. 

[d0nnivain]

You like the chase & things that are more difficult to obtain feel more valuable.   That is not true about people.  She is certainly not as invested in this as you are.   You are also a people person where she is more introverted.  

[hokage240sx]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

You like the chase & things that are more difficult to obtain feel more valuable.   That is not true about people.  She is certainly not as invested in this as you are.   You are also a people person where she is more introverted.  

yea, ive never experienced it so I guess its been different and exciting to me. yea im sure its not true about people. Is a person not being as invested a bad thing? Also this person does not show there true feelings very often. from what ive noticed, she says one thing then does another. If she were not invested at all would she continue to want to keep meeting up? Yes that is true I am a people person. I guess she is. Honestly this relationship is not healthy. haha I wish I could make it work. 

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, hokage240sx said:

 

yea, I like the that it feels like a challenge. but at the same time it is miserable. im a open book as well. 

It stands to reason that if you are attracted to people who aren't available then you may not be available yourself. To turn "available" get in touch with your emotions a little more and don't be afraid of being vulnerable. Also don't be afraid of giving others space. Even if that creates anxiety at first...the anxiety will go down the more you work on this. Space is healthy, everyone needs it. I know this girl may not be the right fit, but practice giving space to other people in your life. That's a way to feel more secure with yourself and start being attracted to more available people. You won't feel like you need a challenge anymore because you won't be getting all revved up or anxious based on people's behavior. What you are really doing is feeling more stable and consistent with yourself. 

[hokage240sx]

2 minutes ago, boymommy said:

It stands to reason that if you are attracted to people who aren't available then you may not be available yourself. To turn "available" get in touch with your emotions a little more and don't be afraid of being vulnerable. Also don't be afraid of giving others space. Even if that creates anxiety at first...the anxiety will go down the more you work on this. Space is healthy, everyone needs it. I know this girl may not be the right fit, but practice giving space to other people in your life. That's a way to feel more secure with yourself and start being attracted to more available people. You won't feel like you need a challenge anymore because you won't be getting all revved up or anxious based on people's behavior. What you are really doing is feeling more stable and consistent with yourself. 

I hate to admit it but I believe you are right. 

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

 If she were not invested at all would she continue to want to keep meeting up? Yes that is true I am a people person. I guess she is. Honestly this relationship is not healthy. haha I wish I could make it work. 

She is a little invested.  Trouble is you are much more invested.  You say yourself it's not healthy.  You can't make it work alone.  She has to contribute effort.  If she's giving all she has & it's not enough for you (it wouldn't be enough for me) you can't stay. 

[hokage240sx]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She is a little invested.  Trouble is you are much more invested.  You say yourself it's not healthy.  You can't make it work alone.  She has to contribute effort.  If she's giving all she has & it's not enough for you (it wouldn't be enough for me) you can't stay. 

after diner today. I may try to have an open conversation, even though she hates that. and make a decision then. i feel better being straight forward with people in person, even though i know its not always possible. I would hate to stop talking to her without an explanation, whether she cares or not. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by hokage240sx

[smackie9]

Yup I always did it in person and they didn't seem too upset about. So it was a good decision.

Edited December 3, 2020 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

On 12/2/2020 at 7:28 AM, elaine567 said:

You are 28, so stay away from 20 yo virgins, you need a woman who is as open to sex as your last partner was.

This is the main problem, OP. Stop dating girls. You need to date women who are 25 or older. 

She's 20 and in college. She has zero interest in becoming a wife at that age. She's trying to handle her online college classes with her college social life. 

You and she are in different hemispheres entirely, from a developmental standpoint. She's just a kid and you re hoisting far too much on her shoulders than you should be doing. 

My advice is to break things off with her because she is incompatible with your sexual needs and your relationship goals. Please, please date women closer to your age. Stay away from college kids. 20 is barely out of highschool age. 

[hokage240sx]

4 hours ago, Watercolors said:

This is the main problem, OP. Stop dating girls. You need to date women who are 25 or older. 

She's 20 and in college. She has zero interest in becoming a wife at that age. She's trying to handle her online college classes with her college social life. 

You and she are in different hemispheres entirely, from a developmental standpoint. She's just a kid and you re hoisting far too much on her shoulders than you should be doing. 

My advice is to break things off with her because she is incompatible with your sexual needs and your relationship goals. Please, please date women closer to your age. Stay away from college kids. 20 is barely out of highschool age. 

I totally agree with you, would have saved a lot of headache

[hokage240sx]

update...

I went out to diner with her last night. was lots of fun, we did a lot of flirting. she was actually the one to ask me to park somewhere and kiss her. under her breath she called me hot. I dropped her off at home pretty early at like 1115pm. I felt like there was a lot of sexual tension, I almost she was gonna ask to go to my place. at the end of the night I told her I wanted to take her out on Friday night to go holiday shopping with me. she said that she could possibly do Saturday before work. so we will see. If that happens that will be my first time hanging out with her twice in a week. not bad. 

[Watercolors]

39 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

update...

I went out to diner with her last night. was lots of fun, we did a lot of flirting. she was actually the one to ask me to park somewhere and kiss her. under her breath she called me hot. I dropped her off at home pretty early at like 1115pm. I felt like there was a lot of sexual tension, I almost she was gonna ask to go to my place. at the end of the night I told her I wanted to take her out on Friday night to go holiday shopping with me. she said that she could possibly do Saturday before work. so we will see. If that happens that will be my first time hanging out with her twice in a week. not bad. 

Question: why are you chasing this child to have sex with? You have no business as a 28 year old, dating a kid just out of high school who is 20. 

If you really cared about her, you'd break up with her and let her date one of her college guys who is her age. Shame on you, hokage240sx. You are manipulative and taking advantage of a 20 year old kid. I can't believe you are doing this. 

[Watercolors]

45 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

I totally agree with you, would have saved a lot of headache

Look at your response. You have 0% respect for her. You still took her out Friday night, let her get worked up and baited her. You have no respect for women. I think that is what your problem is. I think that is why you chase after kids to have sex with. I'm horrified. 

[hokage240sx]

11 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Question: why are you chasing this child to have sex with? You have no business as a 28 year old, dating a kid just out of high school who is 20. 

If you really cared about her, you'd break up with her and let her date one of her college guys who is her age. Shame on you, hokage240sx. You are manipulative and taking advantage of a 20 year old kid. I can't believe you are doing this. 

she is not a child haha. lets not exaggerate. she is an adult

she is almost 21, she is not just out of high school haha. im still in my 20s as well, im not super old. 

why would I want someone im interested date someone else? 

im not doing anything? other than repairing my relationship with her. 

this is not one sided, she does whatever she wants too. 

10 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Look at your response. You have 0% respect for her. You still took her out Friday night, let her get worked up and baited her. You have no respect for women. I think that is what your problem is. I think that is why you chase after kids to have sex with. I'm horrified. 

I took her out wensday night. 

don't be horrified, she is not a child. she is an adult, like me and you. 

alos i don't know what you mean by bated. 

I appreciate your responses, no ill feelings. i get what you are trying to say, but lets not exaggerate. we are all adults here. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by hokage240sx

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, hokage240sx said:

she is not a child haha. lets not exaggerate. she is an adult

she is almost 21, she is not just out of high school haha. im still in my 20s as well, im not super old. 

why would I want someone im interested date someone else? 

im not doing anything? other than repairing my relationship with her. 

this is not one sided, she does whatever she wants too. 

I took her out wensday night. 

don't be horrified, she is not a child. she is an adult, like me and you. 

alos i don't know what you mean by bated. 

I appreciate your responses, no ill feelings. i get what you are trying to say, but lets not exaggerate. we are all adults here. 

Your actions with a 20 year old are predatory, based on your OP and your responses show little regard for her.

It seems like you want support for your motives to pressure her sexually. 

I am horrified because as a 28 year old, you are dating someone who is not at the same place developmentally that you are. And you refuse to acknowledge this biological fact, b/c your judgement is pretty clouded by your intentions to need to mold her into someone she has no interest in being. 

[hokage240sx]

10 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Your actions with a 20 year old are predatory, based on your OP and your responses show little regard for her.

It seems like you want support for your motives to pressure her sexually. 

I am horrified because as a 28 year old, you are dating someone who is not at the same place developmentally that you are. And you refuse to acknowledge this biological fact, b/c your judgement is pretty clouded by your intentions to need to mold her into someone she has no interest in being. 

That is your opinion, which I respect. 

the fact is that we are both consenting adults. 

I am just asking for relationship advice, and I happen to enjoy typing out my experiences. 

I do not force her to do anything, all her actions  are her will. 

I did not even mention sex to her on wensday, now if she approaches me about it in the future, I will gladly accept. because I am sexually attracted to her. keep in mind we have already done it once. 

we have a natural chemistry, regardless of age. the age gap isn't as large as you make it seem. could be worse lol. 

she doesn't have to mold into anything, she does not even need to go out on dates with me. I literally have no power over her. if she decides to stop wanting to see me the relationship would be over.

and as you read she is attracted to me physically, yesterday she was the one to initiate advances. 

 

 

Edited December 4, 2020 by hokage240sx