are we incompatible

[hokage240sx]

After 3 months of dating having some incompatibility issues. wondering if I can over come them. or if I can overcome the way I am. I want to see the girl more than once a week. she says she's too busy with school and work. she doesn't want to talk on the phone everyday, she says she prefers every once in a while. she doesn't want to have sex sometimes, says she's doesn't feel like it or doesn't want it too hurt like last time when she lost her virginity. this was weeks ago. also I can't hold back my desire of wanting to have sex, I don't think I can wait any longer. all we do is just make out and get heated up. maybe I just need to try to get her in the mood, but if she rejects me again I will probably be pretty sad. 

I'm meeting her for dinner tomorrow night. 

after the date tomorrow, my plan is too inviter her to hang out this weekend and see what happens. maybe I can start seeing her 2 times a week. 

but all this is causing resentment I believe.

I want things to work, we have lots of fun when we hang out in person. 

I don't really want to bring these topics up, the next time I see her cause then I feel like I am bringing up subjects that are too heavy. and might just ruin the night. 

I do like her and would like something long term. 

I got advice from someone, they told me to stop talking about all this stuff. and just go on the date and at the end of the night just ask for another date that week. that is maybe what I am gonna try. 

[boymommy]

It sounds like she is maybe trying to move at a slower pace then you or has different space needs then you? Different sexual needs, different levels of need for communication with each other, different needs for spending time together..that's a lot in my opinion going on for just a few months in. I'd ask yourself what you need for a relationship and see if she is willing to compromise and try talking to her. Your compromise of 2 times a week sounds reasonable. If she is set on her day a week and no phone contact then I would reassess if you should end it.

[Gaeta]

After 3 months dating it's normal you want to see her more than once a week. You are looking for serious dating, you seek closeness and a connection. She doesn't. She wants a guy to take her out once in a while and not bother in between dates. I would not call that incompatible, I would call it you have different dating goals. Usually a woman wants a lot of closeness, this girl doesn't sound into you. I would let her go. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by Gaeta

[hokage240sx]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

After 3 months dating it's normal you want to see her more than once a week. You are looking for serious dating, you seek closeness and a connection. She doesn't. She wants a guy to take her out once in a while and not bother in between dates. I would not call that incompatible, I would call it you have different dating goals. Usually a woman wants a lot of closeness, this girl doesn't sound into you. I would let her go. 

yea she doesn't sound to into me. but at one point she said that she would be interested in a long term relationship with me and that we are exclusive. 

12 minutes ago, boymommy said:

It sounds like she is maybe trying to move at a slower pace then you or has different space needs then you? Different sexual needs, different levels of need for communication with each other, different needs for spending time together..that's a lot in my opinion going on for just a few months in. I'd ask yourself what you need for a relationship and see if she is willing to compromise and try talking to her. Your compromise of 2 times a week sounds reasonable. If she is set on her day a week and no phone contact then I would reassess if you should end it.

yea, im probably gonna have too. Its driving me nuts. 

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

What are your relationship histories like? Have you both had many serious relationships before? It’s helpful to know what her past relationship was like. Maybe she was with  a smothering possessive guy and doesn’t want to get in the same situation.

Also, are you both exclusive? If it’s just early dating, it’s possible she is not trying to seem so eager but if you are exclusive, I believe she should want to see you more or get closer. I certainly want to see my boyfriend more than once a week and I have a VERY busy schedule, and that ‘s because he doesn’t keep asking me to spend time with him. In the past, when I dated guys who came on too strong, I pushed them away. So you might need a lil bit of push and pull here.

But everyone is different so maybe try to get to know her better before forcing or rushing her into things. Learn about her past. Maybe there is something else that is making her afraid of intimacy, so don’t take it so personally yet. 3 months is still quite early on.  Maybe if you don’t pressure her so much, she will slowly come closer to you. 

[hokage240sx]

1 minute ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

What are your relationship histories like? Have you both had many serious relationships before? It’s helpful to know what her past relationship was like. Maybe she was with  a smothering possessive guy and doesn’t want to get in the same situation.

Also, are you both exclusive? If it’s just early dating, it’s possible she is not trying to seem so eager but if you are exclusive, I believe she should want to see you more or get closer. I certainly want to see my boyfriend more than once a week and I have a VERY busy schedule, and that ‘s because he doesn’t keep asking me to spend time with him. In the past, when I dated guys who came on too strong, I pushed them away. So you might need a lil bit of push and pull here.

But everyone is different so maybe try to get to know her better before forcing or rushing her into things. Learn about her past. Maybe there is something else that is making her afraid of intimacy, so don’t take it so personally yet. 3 months is still quite early on.  Maybe if you don’t pressure her so much, she will slowly come closer to you. 

she says her last relationship was controlling. I was in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart. im not used to being alone. 

we said a few weeks ago that we are exclusive. but we never speak about that. I feel some insecurity about that. I haven't been talking to other girls.

im definitely have pushed, and came on too strong recently. im suprised she still wants to go out with me. 

I need to find a way to stop making me question this stuff. I have a lot of anxiety. and im controlling my urges to start just telling her all this stuff. which im sure is gonna make things worse. I don't know how to pace myself. 

I will try my best to stop pressuring

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

im definitely have pushed, and came on too strong recently. im suprised she still wants to go out with me. 

It's normal you've come on strongly lately, you feel she is taking her distance so you chase her, it's a natural push and pull mechanism. If this relationship was satisfying to you, you wouldn't feel anxiety. What is the age difference? She sounds young. 

[hokage240sx]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

It's normal you've come on strongly lately, you feel she is taking her distance so you chase her, it's a natural push and pull mechanism. If this relationship was satisfying to you, you wouldn't feel anxiety. What is the age difference? She sounds young. 

sorry what is normal? exactly, yea thats what I did. im 28 she is 20. yea I don't want to feel anxiety 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, hokage240sx said:

sorry what is normal? exactly, yea thats what I did. im 28 she is 20. yea I don't want to feel anxiety 

It's normal that you've been coming on strongly lately. 

Did you feel her interest dropped after sex?

[hokage240sx]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's normal that you've been coming on strongly lately. 

Did you feel her interest dropped after sex?

no I felt it dropped recently once we had the exclusivity talk. I started coming on stronger after that, I guess I assumed I can treat her like my old gf

I started to call everyday.

I kept asking to hang out. 

once I noticed she wasn't picking up as much any more, or taking longer to text back.

I double texted when she didn't pick up the phone. 

after that double text, she told me that she didn't know why I was getting bothered by her late response that she didn't know why my behavior was changing. and that she thought I was calling too much that back then it was every once and a while. 

this was all in a span of the last two weeks I haven't seen her.

last time is saw her was the 18 of November. 

We have a diner date tommorow night. 

honestly I just like to chat with everyone on here, it helps me get through my anxiety. 

---oh also before the exclusivity chat, I apologized for 2 incidents- 2nd time I tried to initiate sex, she said she didn't feel like it. and this was after us getting heated up and I got upset, and she left angry. 3rd time I asked for a sexual favor, when I hadn't even tried to get her in the mood. I know selfish.- so I would say a combination of mistakes ive been making.

 

---- like I said im suprised she still wants to go out on a date with me. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by hokage240sx

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

10 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

she says her last relationship was controlling. I was in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart. im not used to being alone. 

we said a few weeks ago that we are exclusive. but we never speak about that. I feel some insecurity about that. I haven't been talking to other girls.

im definitely have pushed, and came on too strong recently. im suprised she still wants to go out with me. 

I need to find a way to stop making me question this stuff. I have a lot of anxiety. and im controlling my urges to start just telling her all this stuff. which im sure is gonna make things worse. I don't know how to pace myself. 

I will try my best to stop pressuring

So it seems like she is much younger than you, with a lot less relationship experience, and the few she had was controlling. On the flip side, you’re used to a long term relationship where I’m guessing you spent a lot of time with your ex. 

Your current girl is avoidant and you are anxious attachment. She needs to be able to build trust to come closer to you and you need to understand that this is a brand new relationship so you can’t all of a sudden go into full relationship mode and see her all the time, especially if she’s never had that kind of relationship before. I think the only way for this to work is if you both meet halfway. If you’ve already expressed how you feel, you need to give her space and try to feel more secure with yourself. At the same time, you need to observe and see that she is still trying to get closer.

If you feel like things aren’t progressing after a while or she continues to be avoidant and doesn’t want to come closer to you, and all you feel is anxiety all the time, then you might want to reconsider and think about whether you should be with someone with a bit more relationship experience and a secure attachment style, who is excited to want to get closer and spend more time with you rather than withdraw. 

[hokage240sx]

18 minutes ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

So it seems like she is much younger than you, with a lot less relationship experience, and the few she had was controlling. On the flip side, you’re used to a long term relationship where I’m guessing you spent a lot of time with your ex. 

Your current girl is avoidant and you are anxious attachment. She needs to be able to build trust to come closer to you and you need to understand that this is a brand new relationship so you can’t all of a sudden go into full relationship mode and see her all the time, especially if she’s never had that kind of relationship before. I think the only way for this to work is if you both meet halfway. If you’ve already expressed how you feel, you need to give her space and try to feel more secure with yourself. At the same time, you need to observe and see that she is still trying to get closer.

If you feel like things aren’t progressing after a while or she continues to be avoidant and doesn’t want to come closer to you, and all you feel is anxiety all the time, then you might want to reconsider and think about whether you should be with someone with a bit more relationship experience and a secure attachment style, who is excited to want to get closer and spend more time with you rather than withdraw. 

I did spend lots of time with her, lived with her for a year. I don't like being alone. 

ok, a half way compromise would be like what? should I just sweep these things under the rug and wait it outa little longer. 

yea I might have too. I really don't want too I would like to try to make this work. I really like her and I think we would be a good fit once things fall into place. we have a lot of fun together lots of chemestry 

I didn't know about attachment styles, I looked it up, sounds spot on!

Edited December 2, 2020 by hokage240sx

[Pinkwaterlilies88]

18 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

I did spend lots of time with her, lived with her for a year. I don't like being alone. 

ok, a half way compromise would be like what? should I just sweep these things under the rug and wait it outa little longer. 

yea I might have too. I really don't want too I would like to try to make this work. I really like her and I think we would be a good fit once things fall into place. we have a lot of fun together lots of chemestry 

I think you should first think about whether you really like this girl THAT much or you’re anxious because you don’t want to be alone. This new girl is not your ex. She is her own person with different needs. You need to take this relationship as something new and different. It takes time to build something and to get close and intimate. For some people, the pacing is slower. If you try to force it, it may end up in a crash and burn situation. 

Im in a similar situation as yours, reversed. My boyfriend isn’t as communicative as me or want to see me a lot. I was quite worried but after learning that his past relationships were very different from mine (I was with people who want to see me all the time), I decided to be more patient and try to build something more naturally. I’m trying to redirect focus on myself instead. 

But I do understand how you feel as well. I opened up to my boyfriend about it but in a calm, open, vulnerable way rather than an anxious or pushy way. So maybe try a different communication method with her and see how she reacts. Again, at the end of the day, choose you and be with someone who is available for you and makes you happy too. We shouldn’t have to ask for attention and affection, it should be mutual.

[DarrenB]

Relative to your previous threads, you're still encountering the same issues... I think you're completely co-dependent and that's not a good sign so early on in a relationship.

Your sole intention in this relationship is to only have sex, then you say you want something long-term?

The poor girl is trying to juggle her actual life whilst trying to maintain a partnership with you, give the damn girl a break and I genuinely mean that.

If your desires are still not being met, break up with her and actually search and be with someone that seeks the same things as you.

But to answer your question, yes it does seem you two are completely incompatible and there's no point trying to prolong this relationship any further. Sorry.

Edited December 2, 2020 by DarrenB

[hokage240sx]

1 hour ago, Pinkwaterlilies88 said:

I think you should first think about whether you really like this girl THAT much or you’re anxious because you don’t want to be alone. This new girl is not your ex. She is her own person with different needs. You need to take this relationship as something new and different. It takes time to build something and to get close and intimate. For some people, the pacing is slower. If you try to force it, it may end up in a crash and burn situation. 

Im in a similar situation as yours, reversed. My boyfriend isn’t as communicative as me or want to see me a lot. I was quite worried but after learning that his past relationships were very different from mine (I was with people who want to see me all the time), I decided to be more patient and try to build something more naturally. I’m trying to redirect focus on myself instead. 

But I do understand how you feel as well. I opened up to my boyfriend about it but in a calm, open, vulnerable way rather than an anxious or pushy way. So maybe try a different communication method with her and see how she reacts. Again, at the end of the day, choose you and be with someone who is available for you and makes you happy too. We shouldn’t have to ask for attention and affection, it should be mutual.

well the way I see it theres other girls that try to talk to me at this moment but im not interested. but this girl really catches my interest, I only want to be with her. so thats my logic. 

yea that is a problem I keep assuming all people are the same. and as im learning they are not at all. Im definitely not used to taking time to build something. I think it makes me feel like im gonna loose them if I don't make a move quickly. im suprised it hasn't totally crashed and burned yet. 

wow, you defenitly can relate to me then. its a tough situation. im gonna try working on myself as well. im obviously insecure, and need to work on my anxiety and impulse control. and my dependency. 

maybe in the future ill try to open up to her like that agian. for this date im just gonna try to have fun, not expect to much. I need to dail down the intensity of my feelings. it sucks cause it makes me feel like im holding back a little. I hate that I feel like im chasing the affection. like they are a little cold. 

you opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking, thank you. 

1 hour ago, DarrenB said:

Relative to your previous threads, you're still encountering the same issues... I think you're completely co-dependent and that's not a good sign so early on in a relationship.

Your sole intention in this relationship is to only have sex, then you say you want something long-term?

The poor girl is trying to juggle her actual life whilst trying to maintain a partnership with you, give the damn girl a break and I genuinely mean that.

If your desires are still not being met, break up with her and actually search and be with someone that seeks the same things as you.

But to answer your question, yes it does seem you two are completely incompatible and there's no point trying to prolong this relationship any further. Sorry.

I just decided im tired of worrying about sex, im just gonna avoid it all together. im suprised she is still meeting up at this point. yea its probably gonna end. I might try to open communication little more in the future. im gonna try working on myself from now on, I obviously am insecure and need to understand her little more. honestly posting gives me new information every time. I didn't realize I was insecure and she was avoidant attachment style I guess they attract pretty often. with a push and pull dynamic, it literally sounds like us lol. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op, I get the sense that you believe you’re at fault for wanting sex. You are not! Do yourself a favour and stop believing that you are. 

Usually couples are in the honeymoon stage at the 3 month mark and sexual relations are frequent. 
 

Look there is worse to come; you pursue this relationship and you will end up in a sexless relationship. You’re getting a sneaky preview into the future here so Sit up and take note. Is that what you want? 
 

She has the right to move a relationship at her pace with her own boundaries. However so do you!  Do not sacrifice your own needs to proritise the needs of someone that you’ve only been dating 3 months. 
 

I am much older than you (41) and I am a woman, but  I would be going out my mind if I was you. Sexual relations are very important to me in a relationship. Seems they are for you too and that is perfectly ok. 
 

She’s not the girl for you I’m afraid. You’re flogging a dead horse. 

[Wiseman2]

Well yes. Incompatible in the sense that you want differing things.

Maybe it's time to set both yourselves free.

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

she doesn't want to have sex sometimes, says she's doesn't feel like it or doesn't want it too hurt like last time when she lost her virginity. this was weeks ago. also I can't hold back my desire of wanting to have sex, I don't think I can wait any longer. all we do is just make out and get heated up.

I'm having trouble figuring out where the two of you are sexually... did she have sex for the first time a few weeks ago? And you say sometimes, which implies not always, so I'm wondering if you're not getting any sex or just not as much as you'd like?

Overall, it sounds like she's holding you at arm's length and giving you and your needs zero validation, whereas you're always trying for more togetherness. This seems childish to me, and at 20 she may very well  be mostly a child. I think you need to assert your independence (don't chase), say what you feel and what you need... and if she just doesn't give a flip about what you need, that's your answer. Eight years isn't much for an older couple, or even people in their 30s, but to a 20 year old it's nearly half of her existence. 

One other thing... when someone is withholding and doing the avoidant routine, the solution is to give them more space than they bargained for. On some level they enjoy having you at their beck and call and keeping you anxious. You have to reverse that dynamic and show them that you aren't need and could walk away. Of course when this is the case, it may be best to actually walk away.

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't sound so much like an incompatibility issue.  It sounds more like she's just not that into you.  She doesn't want to see you more often, she says she is too busy.  Doesn't want to have sex.  Stop trying to force this to work.  Face reality and accept that this isn't the relationship for you.  Move on.

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

she doesn't want to have sex sometimes, says she's doesn't feel like it or doesn't want it too hurt like last time when she lost her virginity.

^^^ This.
Painful sex is no fun.
She will not be turned on, so no lubrication, so agony.
She will be pretending she is turned on to please you. But basically sex is sore  for her, so she doesn't want to do it with you.
You pushing for sex will not help, it will make it worse and could put her off sex for life. She needed a gentle introduction to sex and it doesn't sound like that is what she got with you
You are 28, so stay away from 20 yo virgins, you need a woman who is as open to sex as your last partner was.

[Fletch Lives]

Let me guess, shes under 28? Some young women are not ready to fall in love yet.

 

Find another woman who is actually into you.

[boymommy]

11 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

 

I just decided im tired of worrying about sex, im just gonna avoid it all together. im suprised she is still meeting up at this point. yea its probably gonna end. I might try to open communication little more in the future. im gonna try working on myself from now on, I obviously am insecure and need to understand her little more. honestly posting gives me new information every time. I didn't realize I was insecure and she was avoidant attachment style I guess they attract pretty often. with a push and pull dynamic, it literally sounds like us lol. 

Ugh it's a huge pain! This is the story of my life. I have worked on becoming more secure with myself so I can (in turn) attract more secure partners and not avoidant ones. Once you feel better about yourself and more secure you will start attracting what you put out there. I actually may be secure in general but due to dating mostly avoidant people I have anxious attachment while in a relationship! That may be your issue as well.

The main issue is that what is out in the dating pool (especially as you get older) is more anxious and avoidant attached people because secure people are better at maintaining and staying in relationships. So they are less available. But sometimes you get lucky and find a secure person coming back into the dating pool after getting out of a relationship (they are more willing to leave a problematic relationship then anxious/avoidants are) but they don't stay on the "market" long because they are highly desirable! Sometimes secure people will stay single longer if there is a huge amount of anxious/avoidant people in the dating pool though because they won't just settle for a bad partner and will keep dating until they find someone who is more compatible with them. Just some tips based on what I know about attachment and dating and how to find someone. You can usually spot someone who is secure because they will be really responsive (but not overly so) and they will comfortable with self disclosure but also want to move at a very even pace. It won't be fast, it won't be slow. It will be just medium speed, very consistent. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by boymommy

[elaine567]

53 minutes ago, boymommy said:

The main issue is that what is out in the dating pool (especially as you get older) is more anxious and avoidant attached people because secure people are better at maintaining and staying in relationships

The gf is 20 and in her first sexual relationship...

[boymommy]

46 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The gf is 20 and in her first sexual relationship...

Oh I know they are both young..I was just speaking in general terms. OP will have a better shot with more secure attached people at his age for sure because that's the age when people are looking for a partner. Later on it gets tougher because those people are taken. So basically I was trying to say now is the time to do work on himself if he wants to attract more secure partners because in his age bracket there will be more of them vs at an older age. 

[smackie9]

I remember the days someone would really catch my interest even tho they were too incompatible, and no real future....boy was I stupid back then.

Trust me on this one, stop with the lets wait and see what happens this weekend or that day or after the new year on and on.....you are kidding yourself that giving these chances something will change.....no chance in hell my friend, no chance.

Have dinner, breakup

 

Edited December 2, 2020 by smackie9