I Think My Ex Spoiled Me for Future Relationships.

[Trail Blazer]

20 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

I was attracted to him when we first met. He had always sported longish hair, and a full beard. But he kept the beard trimmed when we first started dating,  and would style his hair with pomade. He had beautiful clear teal-colored eyes, they were gorgeous (and he knew it). He also had very dark hair, so the eyes with the hair, they contrasted and complimented each other. So with a manicured beard, and his hair out of his face, wearing clothes that suited his personal style and body type.....I was attracted. But over time, he started to no longer trim his beard, his hair always looked greasy and in his face, and towards the end of our relationship, I didn't see him in anything other than sweats. I also began to notice that overall, he wasn't that particular when it came to his hygiene. He would smell stale. I'm a woman that showers every day, sometimes twice a day, and to see your boyfriend come home from his factory job, all sweaty and dusty, climb in to bed, without taking a shower.....and then wake up and go back to work, again, without showering...........repulsed me.

 

And then I noticed he seemed very insecure about himself. Which isn't attractive, whether you're male or female. He lied to me about his political leanings at the beginning, and so when I found out how he truly felt, and what he truly thought about people who were apart of MY community......I lost more attraction. So by the time we got to the nagging about sex, the nagging about my friendships, the complaining, the b*tching, the whining.........I was over him, to be honest.

Yeah, okay.  He's an idiot of he didn't realize that poor hygene is a major turn-off for most women.  

He didn't suffer from mental health issues that you know of, did he?  Insecurity, poor personal hygene, it could stem back to depression.

Lying about political leanings, especially if he's made insensitive remarks about people from a different ethnic background, is not cool, either.

You live in a city with a population in excess of five-million.  You sound like an attractive and intelligent young woman.  There is absolutely no reason why you should be struggling to find a decent guy.

[cbr600r]

You're entitled to your list of requirements but you may never find a guy who ticks every single box. You're going to have to make some kind of compromise eventually or be alone.

Edited December 16, 2020 by cbr600r

[ThereSheGoes]

On 12/15/2020 at 5:03 PM, Trail Blazer said:

Yeah, okay.  He's an idiot of he didn't realize that poor hygene is a major turn-off for most women.  

He didn't suffer from mental health issues that you know of, did he?  Insecurity, poor personal hygene, it could stem back to depression.

Lying about political leanings, especially if he's made insensitive remarks about people from a different ethnic background, is not cool, either.

You live in a city with a population in excess of five-million.  You sound like an attractive and intelligent young woman.  There is absolutely no reason why you should be struggling to find a decent guy.

 

I do believe that he did suffer from depression. Towards the end of the relationship, he had let it slip that he drinks every night. Which he knew would alarm me, because his father was a recovering alcoholic, and at the time was beginning to slip.  My ex had a lot of trauma in his life, that I wasn't aware of before dating him. It contributed to his insecurity. I remember he said that as a teenager he suffered with Anorexia and that he got really underweight. I saw him earlier this year in passing, and he had gained, I would say, almost 100 pounds in the year we had been broken up. I know he is someone is who is very aware of their weight......I just instantly knew that he was not happy in his life at that time. It kinda broke my heart, to be honest. To see him so unhappy. 

 

And thanks, Blazer. I'm trying to figure that out too. The only correlation is me. One of my issues is; I'll meet a guy, he sounds fine on paper, he has a job, car, lives alone, no kids, all that jazz. I'm attracted to him, he's supposedly attracted to me. We date for 2 or 3 months, I then mention being exclusive, and it's always the hemming and hawwing. "I don't think I'm ready." ......when they said they were looking for something serious at the beginning (otherwise, I wouldn't have gone out with them).

So, something about me changed their minds about me. And they want to keep me as a place holder until the person they really want, comes through. Usually, a few months later. And it's always....... someone, who on on paper, has a few marks against them (divorced, kids, debt, no education, low to no job prospects. One girl was actually pregnant....)  but they are willing to give them commitment.......but don't want to give commitment to me. 

So I'm just trying to figure out what it is about me that turns men away from committing to me.

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

So I'm just trying to figure out what it is about me that turns men away from committing to me.

 Perhaps it's not you.  I wonder if the problem is that you're not reading them well enough to judge how they feel.  These guys you raise the exclusive discussion with at 2-3 months...are they seeing you multiple times per week?  Do you get prime date nights with him unless he's got other plans which he's open about?   Because if they aren't doing this after 2-3 months, there is a very high chance they are seeing others.  And if they are still choosing to see others, then they aren't going to commit to you.   

Think of it like shoes.  You see a fabulous pair of shoes on the rack.  They are beautiful, comfortable and you've got the money.  And you're not sure if you'll be able to find them again.  Do you grab them while you can, or do you leave them on the rack and hope they are still there in 6 weeks?    Of course you don't.  Dating is the same.  If guy wants you, he will make an effort to make sure that no other guy gets you first.

Lastly, I hope you're not worried about scaring a guy off.  If he's scares off because you want exclusivity after, say 5 great dates, then he's not the one. 

 

[gaius]

Nah @basil67, she's right, it's her. And I have to give her credit for being self aware enough to come to that conclusion. 

Now what exactly is it that's holding you back? I have no idea based on the information provided. You'd have to go more deeply into the minutia of your interactions with men. Almost in a therapy like way. 

One thing that's for sure though, if a blotchy, bald, could play a Hobbit in lord of the rings with no special effects guy could get away with not even commiting to you then the demand for men who know what they're doing is fierce. You'll probably have to up your skill set if that's your goal, to get commitment from a guy that resembles your list. Perhaps going into much more depth about how you approach dating and talk with men would help. Or if you have already at least pointing toward where you did. I don't browse every thread on here. 

[Miss Spider]

It’s not true. Maybe you are feeling down and so thinking black and white. You’ve said in other threads you’ve had boyfriends. Maybe it’s harder for you because you do not want to see them as often

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ThereSheGoes]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It’s not true. Maybe you are feeling down and so thinking black and white. You’ve said in other threads you’ve had boyfriends. Maybe it’s harder for you because you do not want to see them as often

 

Yeah, seeing my guy more than twice a week is a lot for me. And I have had guys question that.

[ThereSheGoes]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

 Perhaps it's not you.  I wonder if the problem is that you're not reading them well enough to judge how they feel.  These guys you raise the exclusive discussion with at 2-3 months...are they seeing you multiple times per week?  Do you get prime date nights with him unless he's got other plans which he's open about?   Because if they aren't doing this after 2-3 months, there is a very high chance they are seeing others.  And if they are still choosing to see others, then they aren't going to commit to you.   

Think of it like shoes.  You see a fabulous pair of shoes on the rack.  They are beautiful, comfortable and you've got the money.  And you're not sure if you'll be able to find them again.  Do you grab them while you can, or do you leave them on the rack and hope they are still there in 6 weeks?    Of course you don't.  Dating is the same.  If guy wants you, he will make an effort to make sure that no other guy gets you first.

Lastly, I hope you're not worried about scaring a guy off.  If he's scares off because you want exclusivity after, say 5 great dates, then he's not the one. 

 

 

Depends on the guy, but I usually see them once or twice a week. Partly due to schedules, partly due to I don't want to see them constantly through out the week. Usually the guy tells me that he's not seeing anyone else, because of the whole conundrum with online dating and men; they barely get matches. But of course, they just could be lying. Overall, they seem to be dating me and only me at the time, and appear to really like me. Just don't want to commit.

[ThereSheGoes]

38 minutes ago, gaius said:

Nah @basil67, she's right, it's her. And I have to give her credit for being self aware enough to come to that conclusion. 

Now what exactly is it that's holding you back? I have no idea based on the information provided. You'd have to go more deeply into the minutia of your interactions with men. Almost in a therapy like way. 

One thing that's for sure though, if a blotchy, bald, could play a Hobbit in lord of the rings with no special effects guy could get away with not even commiting to you then the demand for men who know what they're doing is fierce. You'll probably have to up your skill set if that's your goal, to get commitment from a guy that resembles your list. Perhaps going into much more depth about how you approach dating and talk with men would help. Or if you have already at least pointing toward where you did. I don't browse every thread on here. 

 

Lol, I talk to men all the time. Most of my friends are male. They know who I am. They don't get it either.  Maybe I'm too open? I'll talk about any and everything.

I'm super spontaneous. 

I'm sexually aware.

I talk  A LOT (obviously).

I can get a man to sit down and take me out for awhile. I've never had a problem with attracting a guy. I just can't get him to stay.

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Yeah, seeing my guy more than twice a week is a lot for me. And I have had guys question that.

Could that be the problem?  Perhaps they want more than you're offering.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said:

. Usually the guy tells me that he's not seeing anyone else, 

Overall, they seem to be dating me and only me at the time, and appear to really like me. Just don't want to commit.

It seems they are trying to have the exclusive conversation with you, which is appropriate in the beginning.

It's unclear what you mean by "don't want to commit", if they are the ones initiating the exclusive conversation?

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

I'm super spontaneous. 

This is likely a reason people aren’t choosing your for long term. Super spontaneous and “rest of my life” relationship don’t really match. Forever relationships tend to be characterized by traits like reliability, dependability, consistency etc. Super spontaneous is also super unpredictable. 

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I can get a man to sit down and take me out for awhile. I've never had a problem with attracting a guy. I just can't get him to stay.

You shouldn't have to "get" a man to sit down, sit still, take you out OR stay.

These are things a man should want to do, have the desire to do, all on his own, from his own heart.  

I'm wondering based on this statement from you, if your vibe with these men is a bit heavy-handed and pushy even if not your intention.

I've never had to "get" a man to do anything in my entire life, nor have I tried.  Nor would I even want to try. 

Not my job.  Either they want to on their own or don't, and if they don't, immediate next.

Maybe stop trying so hard?  Stop trying to "get" them to do?   Allow things to simply "be"?   

I don't think your spontaneity is the issue.  Most men love spontaneity in a woman, it definitely does not mean she lacks reliability, consistency, dependability.  

I'm extremely spontaneous, always have been, it's never been an issue in any of my long term committed relationships including my current.  To the contrary it's been a plus and all my boyfriends including my current love that about me.

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

On 12/14/2020 at 9:17 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

But over time, he started to no longer trim his beard, his hair always looked greasy and in his face, and towards the end of our relationship, I didn't see him in anything other than sweats. I also began to notice that overall, he wasn't that particular when it came to his hygiene. He would smell stale. I'm a woman that showers every day, sometimes twice a day, and to see your boyfriend come home from his factory job, all sweaty and dusty, climb in to bed, without taking a shower.....and then wake up and go back to work, again, without showering...........repulsed me.

And then I noticed he seemed very insecure about himself. Which isn't attractive, whether you're male or female. He lied to me about his political leanings at the beginning, and so when I found out how he truly felt, and what he truly thought about people who were apart of MY community......I lost more attraction. So by the time we got to the nagging about sex, the nagging about my friendships, the complaining, the b*tching, the whining.........I was over him, to be honest.

Is this the same guy from your OP?  From your OP, you made it sound like your previous bf was amazing.  How on earth did the guy described above spoil you for future relationships? 

[ThatDude76]

I don't think its weird that you want your man to pay for your dates. I always pay for dates, it just feels right to me, even if she makes more money than me.

Especially so if the date was my idea.

My last girlfriend would get upset that I would always pay, but its what I wanted to do. 

[Miss Spider]

Xxxxxx

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I don't think your spontaneity is the issue.  Most men love spontaneity in a woman, it definitely does not mean she lacks reliability, consistency, dependability.  

There’s healthy spontaneous where you’re up for trying anything, but also unhealthy spontaneous where it’s tough to even make any future plan. Where any kind of commitment feels like you’re trapped. Like anything there are degrees. The OP describes herself as super spontaneous, so that might be getting to the extreme end of the spectrum where it’s a detrimental to a committed long term relationship.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s healthy spontaneous where you’re up for trying anything, but also unhealthy spontaneous where it’s tough to even make any future plan. Where any kind of commitment feels like you’re trapped. Like anything there are degrees. The OP describes herself as super spontaneous, so that might be getting to the extreme end of the spectrum where it’s a detrimental to a committed long term relationship.

Possibly but since we don't know what type of "spontaneous" she is, I'm more inclined to think she comes off heavy-handed - trying to "get" them to behave in ways that meet her particular expectations. 

Trying to force something versus allowing it to happen naturally and organically

Just my take. 

[Miss Spider]

12 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

I'm super spontaneous. 

I'm sexually aware.

I talk  A LOT (obviously).

 

These seem like awesome traits that I wish I had more of

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

These seem like awesome traits that I wish I had more of

Wha?  You're perfect just as you are, do not change a thing! 

Edited December 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Aw shucks

[ThereSheGoes]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems they are trying to have the exclusive conversation with you, which is appropriate in the beginning.

It's unclear what you mean by "don't want to commit", if they are the ones initiating the exclusive conversation?

 

No, I'm the one initiating the conversation after 2 to 3 months.

[ThereSheGoes]

9 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Is this the same guy from your OP?  From your OP, you made it sound like your previous bf was amazing.  How on earth did the guy described above spoil you for future relationships? 

 

Different guy. Lol. The guy in my original post was not my boyfriend, technically. The guy I described above was my actual boyfriend, and was my last real boyfriend.

[ThereSheGoes]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You shouldn't have to "get" a man to sit down, sit still, take you out OR stay.

These are things a man should want to do, have the desire to do, all on his own, from his own heart.  

I'm wondering based on this statement from you, if your vibe with these men is a bit heavy-handed and pushy even if not your intention.

I've never had to "get" a man to do anything in my entire life, nor have I tried.  Nor would I even want to try. 

Not my job.  Either they want to on their own or don't, and if they don't, immediate next.

Maybe stop trying so hard?  Stop trying to "get" them to do?   Allow things to simply "be"?   

I don't think your spontaneity is the issue.  Most men love spontaneity in a woman, it definitely does not mean she lacks reliability, consistency, dependability.  

I'm extremely spontaneous, always have been, it's never been an issue in any of my long term committed relationships including my current.  To the contrary it's been a plus and all my boyfriends including my current love that about me.

 

 

 

 

I didn't mean literally, lol. I meant as, I'm fascinating and fun enough that I can entertain them for a little while, and then they move on. I try not to come on too strong in the beginning, which has been both successful and failure for me in the past.

I don't mean that I'm giving them a list of expectations and expecting them to live up to them.

[ThereSheGoes]

5 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

These seem like awesome traits that I wish I had more of

 

I wish I had less of them. LOL. But thanks!