I Think My Ex Spoiled Me for Future Relationships.

[ThereSheGoes]

This is more commentary and stream of thought, than it is seeking advice. But please, feel free to share your own story and experiences. And if you want to offer a word, go for it! I'm all ears.

 

So....I feel like the last guy I dated (we weren't in a relationship, we were just 'friends'. Whatever that means) spoiled me for my next relationship. Or rather, spoiled me for dating in general.

I now expect WAY more than I did before I ever dated Blake. Before him, if you seemed nice....that was it, that was the prerequisite. If you were nice. Then I would check and see where things could go, and then kinda force things to work, even though.....my attraction level was low for them.

These days, I'm like:

1. You need to be making at least $50K a year.

A lot of my exes were working low wage earning jobs, a lot of entry level positions, a lot of factory positions. Dominoes employees. And I'm not knocking that, that's good honest work, and you should never be ashamed of that. Better one of those jobs than no job at all. But there was a lot of limitations due to both of our incomes not being that great, and because of this, there was a lot of struggle dates. And that would be fine, if they were cute and fun, but usually they were just.....struggle.

I'm entering a very conservative and professional industry, I'm graduating in 5 months, and I'm interning next month.  Entry level jobs in my field is about $40K-$50K with a median salary of about $75K in my city. My position, in a senior capacity, can go up in to Lawyer types of territories when it comes to yearly income. Blake made $90K+ a year. It was really nice to go out with someone and not have them suggest Taco Bell or TGIF's or Chili's. Or not have them constantly recommend Pho, because Pho is super cheap and filling.

So, I want a man that is not on the struggle bus. He doesn't have to be making as much as Blake did, but at least $50K with some benefits. I'm looking for the long haul, and I want a guy that can match my thirst for adventure and spontaneity, and he needs a liiiiiitttle bit of coin for that. Just a little.

2. I need to be somewhat physically attracted to you.

Like I've said, I've always been an equal opportunity dater. I didn't care what you looked like, and I still don't. But I'm noticing, that I'm finding more guys who are unattractive with bad personalities, than I am finding men who are unattractive with great personalities.

Blake was not conventionally attractive. He was 5'3, 140 pounds, he was 35 and had lost his hair in his early 20's, so he was sporting the bald look, which didn't look quite right, because he had a very round, large head. Because of his job, the elements had taken a toll on his skin, so he had a lot of sun spots and just generally looked much older in the face than he actually was.

But, one of the things I really loved about Blake and what really made me kinda fall for him (ew) is, his personality. He walked in to a room, and would just dump life in to it. Very upbeat, very talkative, lots of energy. That's what made me attracted to him. Also, he had a reaaaaally DEEP voice. He would say my name, and my whole basement would become flooded. (I don't believe in astrological signs and all that, but, I looked up our signs once and realized that.....we're both fire signs and both highly compatible to each other. So if you believe in that, it kinda made sense as to why there was a lot of.....heat between us.)

3.You need to possess traditional values when it comes to dating.

I mean, the type of stuff that your grandmother said that your grandpa used to do for her when they were courting. Walk closest to the street, help me with my bags, help me out of the car, hold my hand as I'm walking down the stairs, pick me up on our dates, PAY for our dates, open the doors, walk me to my Uber, give a sense of protection, so on and so forth.  I found it strangely natural for me (and I hate using Hypergamous language here, but) to 'Rest in my feminine energy' when I was with him.  In reply, I naturally wanted to soothe him, to comfort him, to relax him, to make a safe space for him and just generally be a refuge of peace and pleasure for him, because he made me feel protected, respected and honored. I never really felt that way with previous boyfriends. Let alone, was ALLOWED to be in that type of space with someone, because I always felt like the give and take was one sided. And I usually felt like I was giving up a lot (which was access to my body) in exchange, for....what?....I met up with my boyfriend at Chili's and I paid for my chicken fajitas, and now.....I should give you sex? Because you're my boyfriend and we haven't had sex in two weeks? It was hardly ever romantic, and I think its because I never ever felt protected and honored by them. It just felt like I had to, because as the woman I had to keep him sexually satisfied? But I wasn't receiving anything from him in return. 

The olden days sucked for a lot of reasons, and I would never want to go back and live those years, but....they had something going right when it came to dating, and I miss that.

 

4. We MUST have sexual chemistry.

 

I've been in many relationships, where for me, I had no sexual desire for my partner. I liked them as a person, but there were so many times I avoided them when it came to sex, because I just wasn't interested. This partly goes back to not feeling respected and protected, but also......they f*cking sucked, dude.

Like, OMG. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. And I faked every moment of it.

With Blake.....I didn't have to fake anything. I have had several partners up until this point of my life, and it wasn't until I met him, that I was able to have an orgasm with my partner. At 29 years old, 6 boyfriends later.......I FINALLY had an orgasm with a man.

That is such a disgusting sentence to write. Partly, it was due to being able to relax with him. But also, dude had skills. And he wanted to take the TIME to give me pleasure. He asked me a lot of questions about what I desired during sex, he asked how I pleasured myself, in what ways, with what fingers, etc.  He had studied up previously on how to give pleasure to women. He read books on it, articles written by both men and women, watched videos, and showed he was really serious about it. And it paid off, because on March 18th, 2020, I had my very first orgasm with a man. I feel like I am never ever going to be able to find that type of selflessness and dedication again, but I'm looking for a partner, so I'm going to try. I doubt I will be able to find it though and I feel like sex is going to be one of the things that will have to be sacrificed, but at this point in my life, why not shoot for the stars.

 

 

5. Childless men only.

I'm 30 years old, and yes, it's going to get harder and harder to find a man who is not a dad. But I really did enjoy being able to drop everything and do anything that we wanted. When a man has a kid, that is not something he can do. His child still needs him to be responsible. That's the way it should be, and that's why I'm choosing to opt out. I'm just a woman, my needs aren't nearly as important as the child's.

 

6. He dresses well.

Look, I'm not looking for Tuxedos and top hats, but.....a little thought would be nice. Iron the shirt. Iron whatever bottoms you're going to be putting on. Have it be some sort of quality. Have the colors coordinate. Like I mentioned in my other thread, I'm a woman who takes great care in getting ready, especially when I'm seeing my partner. It's so disappointing to open the door, and your boyfriend is in the same hoodie he's always in and sweatpants with cracked crocs. Attraction should be mutual.  I've been out with previous boyfriends, and we would get stares. And I legitimately think its because we didn't match in regards to style, and NOT because of being in an interracial relationship.

Blake worked outside, so he was in jeans and t-shirts a lot. But, when we went on vacation or to dinner, he got himself cleaned up and put together, and that really did impress me. We were in New Orleans at a bar, and a horn player pointed out to the both of us and said, "I like ya'll style!" That made Blake's night. To know that the woman next to him complimented his style with her own style.

 

As I'm flipping through Tinder, everyone is down for 'fun' and the ones that are interested in something more long lasting, I'm not attracted to and they feel really......draggy? You can tell that their confidence isn't the best. Their laughter at my not-so-good jokes doesn't feel sincere, they agree with me on everything and they simply come across like they're so desperate for a girlfriend, that they'll do anything at this point. Back in the day, I would have given this a chance. And then wondered why I had no attraction to them and viewed them as weak.

I find myself swiping left for hours. Partly because I'm burned out from these apps, but also....they're just not what I want. They're not what I envision for myself. Also, on top of finding a man whose not into the idea of marriage or cohabitating, but rests in the vision of being forever partners.

I'm basically searching for a unicorn, I know.

 

Blake really did do a number on me.

 

Has an ex ever drastically changed your perception of what you viewed to be an ideal partner?

[CollinW]

I don't think these requirements are too crazy, and I'm one to call women out on crazy requirements. As a 30yo making the median us income should be a given. 

But in the same sense people have become so useless that even the basics seems like stringent requirements. Like if I ever were on the market, I would want a woman who can cook a basic meal. Like that's it, simply make a basic ass 3 course meal. I've never had a woman who could boil water and it's damn scary that wanting a grown adult who could operate a stove is asking a lot nowadays. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you tried quality paid dating apps such as elite singles?

You may not quality yet because you're still a student. 

This list simply seems like burnout and poor screening.

[Calmandfocused]

It’s called having standards which is fine. You just have to make sure that these standards don’t lead into unrealistic expectations, which at the moment it doesn’t sound as if they are. 
 

 

[BrianK]

One of my exes was a doctor, she probably made around $250K a year and her family were millionaires.  Initially it was hard dating other girls but I got over it, a strong connection makes all that pointless.  I will not date some broke girl with bad credit though, ever.  The rest of you list is 100% normal and 50K is pretty average, lower end actually.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think what you described as you being "spoiled for other men"  I think you finally developed standards.  

It's fine to have no money, be on the "struggle bus" as you put it & eat out at cheap places when you are in school.  That is the whole point of what people call the "salad days."  

Don't it all about the money but the rest of it is just fine.  When I met my husband he was broke but he was working 2 jobs to make ends meet & he was going to school.  I liked the industriousness.  So I took a chance & now it's all good.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You’re not being unreasonable at all. If only more women developed standards, men would be forced to step it up. 

[Shining One]

10 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

The olden days sucked for a lot of reasons, and I would never want to go back and live those years, but....they had something going right when it came to dating, and I miss that.

You want the parts of the olden days that benefit you, but want to eschew the parts that don't. That would be a red flag for me.

[Crazelnut]

You had me in agreement right up until the part about the olden days. I agree that a man should treat your courteously and be considerate and have manners. What I fail to understand is why having a penis automatically makes him responsible for paying for your dates all the time.  It made sense when women didn't work, but not any more. The person who sets up the date should pay, and that shouldn't be the man all the time. 

Standards are great, but I think that one is a bit unfair and smacks of entitlement.

[Ami1uwant]

You have some issues....

 

1. as you said, you are 30. The odds are if you look at men older. You have a 50/50 chance of them bern married and have kids.

 

2. I don’t know where you live to say what $50K salary means.  It could be great income in some areas but crappy in others where you need roommates to live anywhere.  at $50K there are only so many $100 dates you can do.

 

3.  This what gramma did is long done.  You aren’t going to find a guy who will do that and also respect women as equals or not have issues if you are more career successful than he is.

 

4. dating isn’t fun if you have to be someone you are not.

 

5 why use tinder?
 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You shouldn't have any problem meeting those requirements. It's great to have high standards. Most women who lower their standards just to have a man end up disappointed and bitter. For me, it's way better to be single and free than tied up in something that doesn't do it for me. 

[kismetkismet]

These seem like pretty normal standards for your late 20s/early 30s to me. 

The salary thing is probably a bit dependent on where you live, but here you basically have to make at least 50k to rent your own place (likely couldn't buy). If you'd said $80-100K that might be drifting into shallow territory, but It's totally understandable to want to date/marry someone that can at least support themselves by the time they're 30. The only place you lost me was the traditional dating section - just remember that that system is built on men going to work and women staying home and doing housework. Unless you want to take on all or most of the housework, I'd tread lightly on that preference. 

[Ruby Slippers]

This site is generally kind of anti-traditional romance. But I've exclusively had relationships with men who are quite traditional in terms of romance, and I'm totally with you on how being with a masculine man gives me the freedom to enjoy being in my feminine energy. Some people say yes, well, if he's doing the masculine part, you should do the feminine part - and I do. I enjoy taking care of my man in the traditional feminine ways - provided he's holding up his end of the bargain. I also think a lot of men feel there's a shortage of feminine women to date. I can't tell you how many men have raved about the simple fact that I wear dresses on dates. I look around and see pretty much all the other women in jeans and stuff. In my experience, a lot of men long for traditional romance but have a hard time finding it. So if anything, I think this gives you an edge on the dating scene. Most people on this site won't agree with that, but you can find other communities with plenty of advocates.

[major_merrick]

Seems like pretty normal standards.  But, also be open to somebody who might not have it on one of your standards, but brings something surprising to the table you haven't thought of.  Also be aware that for the Millennial generation, men have not succeeded in the workplace the way women have....their lack of achievement is not necessarily their fault.  I think a lot of what you're saying is a lengthy explanation for "I want somebody who is in my same life phase."  And that's fine! 

I think I'm a bit spoiled now with my current relationship with my husband, but it took me so long to settle down that I totally missed it earlier in life and was really lucky to have a second chance. 

Don't be put off by the people who insist that a "traditional" relationship involves you staying home or that you necessarily have to live like its still the 1950's.  Of course, if you want that, nothing wrong there either.  Traditional relationships are still the way to go as far as I'm concerned, and I'm pretty independent.  Men should look and act like men, and that's going to involve the protector/provider dynamic.  I have my own money and can take care of myself, but having a comfy nest that I didn't have to pay for makes me feel even more secure.   

[notbroken]

I definitely believe in a 'list'.   If you don't define what you want then how can you expect to get it?  If not defined, then it is just luck.  That applies to any goal.   Most of your list seems very reasonable.   However, expecting a guy to pay for every date is unreasonable.    He should certainly pay for the first one and definitely his 'fair share' going forward after that, but most guys today will consider that a serious warning sign.   Be careful what you ask for - it might cost you someone good. 

[Trail Blazer]

Most of what you've written here isn't totally unreasonable.  However, I do have issues with a few of your requirements;

18 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

PAY for our dates

How many dates?  The first one?  The first few?  Every date, as in, all of them until the end of time? 

If you expect a guy to wine and dine you at a fancy restaurant regularly, and always pay, then this sentiment reeks of entitlement.

18 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

help me out of the car

What, are you disabled?  Why do you need to be helped from the car? 

Do you expect to sit in the car, wait for your man to get out of the car and walk around to your side, then pull you out? 

This expectation is unrealistic.  Many guys would feel that the mere attempt at something like this would come across as patronizing.

18 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I'm basically searching for a unicorn, I know.

Not necessarily.  Most of your minimim standards are things a lot of guys already understand are important for dating.

I just think that you're off with a few things.  I also feel like you're going to limit yourself if you refuse to date guys with kids.

I have two kids but I still manage to balance the needs of my children with my commitment to my girlfriend.  My kids adore my gf and vice versa.  It's been a win-win for everyone.

If kids just aren't your jam, though, then there's not much that can be done.  It's best to avoid guys with kids in that case. 

You'll just have to accept that you will significantly reduce your dating choices.  Remember, guy who has kids will still be able to be everything you want in a man...

[snowboy91]

The majority of your requests are fairly reasonable, though being in Australia I don't know what "average" salary is in your particular city (I'm assuming you're in the US). That amount would be an average in the larger Australian cities, so I don't think it's too much of a stretch. Being attracted to someone is also a huge deal, and yes that includes their dress sense.

Although I agree with what others are saying about the "traditional values" bit. We could argue about whether they are outdated or not, but I feel that some of your requests are a little contradictory.

20 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

And I usually felt like I was giving up a lot (which was access to my body) in exchange, for....what?....I met up with my boyfriend at Chili's and I paid for my chicken fajitas, and now.....I should give you sex? Because you're my boyfriend and we haven't had sex in two weeks? It was hardly ever romantic, and I think its because I never ever felt protected and honored by them. It just felt like I had to, because as the woman I had to keep him sexually satisfied? But I wasn't receiving anything from him in return. 

 

4. We MUST have sexual chemistry.

...

 

So you're describing yourself as "giving up access to your body" in the first bit but you want to have sexual chemistry with your partner. If you want sex for your own pleasure and fulfilment in a relationship, I'm not sure how that's "giving up access"? You could even twist it around and say it's your expectation that the guy "give up access" to his body to you?

If it is all as simple as just having as having a strong emotional connection and feeling comfortable that your needs will be looked after and you're not just being used as a means to his end, then that's a different (more straightforward) story. 

There are certainly plenty of ways we can feel like we're treated well by our partners without it being one sided, and they don't have to be "traditional". I suppose it's because I see "traditional" as being somewhat one sided, but I'd rather not go down that rabbit hole in this thread.

[Trail Blazer]

@snowboy91 OP has stated in a previous thread that she lives in a large city in Texas.  The average salary in Houston is $61K p.a. which is significantly under what OP wants as a minimum.

Having said that, OP is 30-years-old as is probably looking to date guys in their late 20s to mid 30s.  This age group may not be in at a point in their careers yet where they've reached their maximun earning capacity.

It is fair to say that, assuming OP's dating age group is around what I suspect, $50K p.a. salaries may well be the average for that particular demographic.  A still not unreasonable request.

[Caauug]

On 11/30/2020 at 10:15 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

I'm basically searching for a unicorn, I know.

Maybe, as nearly all the women out there are looking for the same.... At 30 the competition from the younger girls will be harder to match. Don't ride the carousel too long....

Google "Six Sixes" you missed a few requirements, I am sure you will adjust your list to suite....

On 11/30/2020 at 10:15 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

5. Childless men only.

I'm 30 years old, and yes, it's going to get harder and harder to find a man who is not a dad. But I really did enjoy being able to drop everything and do anything that we wanted. When a man has a kid, that is not something he can do. His child still needs him to be responsible. That's the way it should be, and that's why I'm choosing to opt out. I'm just a woman, my needs aren't nearly as important as the child's.

It's not so much the time as it is your #1 requirement. Kids cost money!!! More kids he has the less money he has to spend on you.... Why get hooked up with a man where the best part of his income is taken to feed and cloth his kids from other relationships? It's not your fault he has very little left after child support payments are made, taxes paid and his meager living expenses are subtracted from that $50k income..... That's right, you are above Taco Bell dates.....

On 12/1/2020 at 9:21 AM, Crazelnut said:

You had me in agreement right up until the part about the olden days. I agree that a man should treat your courteously and be considerate and have manners. What I fail to understand is why having a penis automatically makes him responsible for paying for your dates all the time.  It made sense when women didn't work, but not any more. The person who sets up the date should pay, and that shouldn't be the man all the time. 

Standards are great, but I think that one is a bit unfair and smacks of entitlement.

That's easy, just never set up a date. As he is "Traditional" he can set up ALL dates and fund them also.....

The "Traditional Way" had to go because of women's rights and equality..... But hold on, paying for dates, opening doors, giving up your coat to keep her warm on a cold night, walking next to the street etc is not part of it..... Just cherry pick out the good bits that leave you entitled because you are female!!!

Don't get me wrong, for a guy I am very much for equality in rights, as equal as they can get for two different beings. But to cherry pick out parts from days long gone that benefit one over the other is not achieving equality.

On 11/30/2020 at 10:15 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

Has an ex ever drastically changed your perception of what you viewed to be an ideal partner?

Ok, I'll bite, a little...

I was what you describe as "Traditional".... GF showed she could handle money while living together. We married, combined finances, she managed the money. We both went to school part time and worked for about 4 yrs.. No debt. Times were tight with next to no frills. We were both focused on our goals. Once school was all done with both incomes flowing in we bought a house. Renovations took up the disposable incomes. Then she bought herself a fur coat (^$5K). "It is my money" was her reply... [redacted] This was the beginning of the end with her.

Lesson learned:

I will never leave myself that open to emotional destruction again. [redacted]

No one will get total access to what I have worked hard for. You want my money? What service are you going to provide for me? Nothing is for free. Day to day expenses of running a home fine but never 100% again.

You want to buy something expensive for yourself? Fine, earn the money to pay for it. Don't look at me to fund your dreams. Gifts are not as valued as when the money is earned with your own toil. Gifts all fall into the trinket zone with me.

I am now 100% for equal rights, well as equal as they can get anyway. Maybe this was not the "Changed Story" you were looking for....

Edited December 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate anecdote

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't seem like your ex has anything to do with the run of bad luck. 

It's a good idea to have a mental list of deal breakers and must-haves.

The problem seems more related to your dating strategies, such as swiping on free hookup apps, chitchatting too much before meeting, expecting lavish first meets instead of grabbing a quick coffee in person first, etc 

So when you change your strategies, including taking 5 hrs to get ready for a first meet, you'll have better luck.

This is not about your ex. You can't compare a relationship to whatever you find on hookup apps.

As far as gentleman,etc. some of that has to do with ruling out jerks early on and your own demeanor.

If you are looking for a clone of your ex on apps like Tinder, you'll have a long disappointing road ahead.

[Fox Sake]

On 12/1/2020 at 6:15 AM, ThereSheGoes said:

This is more commentary and stream of thought, than it is seeking advice. But please, feel free to share your own story and experiences. And if you want to offer a word, go for it! I'm all ears.

 

So....I feel like the last guy I dated (we weren't in a relationship, we were just 'friends'. Whatever that means) spoiled me for my next relationship. Or rather, spoiled me for dating in general.

I now expect WAY more than I did before I ever dated Blake. Before him, if you seemed nice....that was it, that was the prerequisite. If you were nice. Then I would check and see where things could go, and then kinda force things to work, even though.....my attraction level was low for them.

These days, I'm like:

1. You need to be making at least $50K a year.

A lot of my exes were working low wage earning jobs, a lot of entry level positions, a lot of factory positions. Dominoes employees. And I'm not knocking that, that's good honest work, and you should never be ashamed of that. Better one of those jobs than no job at all. But there was a lot of limitations due to both of our incomes not being that great, and because of this, there was a lot of struggle dates. And that would be fine, if they were cute and fun, but usually they were just.....struggle.

I'm entering a very conservative and professional industry, I'm graduating in 5 months, and I'm interning next month.  Entry level jobs in my field is about $40K-$50K with a median salary of about $75K in my city. My position, in a senior capacity, can go up in to Lawyer types of territories when it comes to yearly income. Blake made $90K+ a year. It was really nice to go out with someone and not have them suggest Taco Bell or TGIF's or Chili's. Or not have them constantly recommend Pho, because Pho is super cheap and filling.

So, I want a man that is not on the struggle bus. He doesn't have to be making as much as Blake did, but at least $50K with some benefits. I'm looking for the long haul, and I want a guy that can match my thirst for adventure and spontaneity, and he needs a liiiiiitttle bit of coin for that. Just a little.

2. I need to be somewhat physically attracted to you.

Like I've said, I've always been an equal opportunity dater. I didn't care what you looked like, and I still don't. But I'm noticing, that I'm finding more guys who are unattractive with bad personalities, than I am finding men who are unattractive with great personalities.

Blake was not conventionally attractive. He was 5'3, 140 pounds, he was 35 and had lost his hair in his early 20's, so he was sporting the bald look, which didn't look quite right, because he had a very round, large head. Because of his job, the elements had taken a toll on his skin, so he had a lot of sun spots and just generally looked much older in the face than he actually was.

But, one of the things I really loved about Blake and what really made me kinda fall for him (ew) is, his personality. He walked in to a room, and would just dump life in to it. Very upbeat, very talkative, lots of energy. That's what made me attracted to him. Also, he had a reaaaaally DEEP voice. He would say my name, and my whole basement would become flooded. (I don't believe in astrological signs and all that, but, I looked up our signs once and realized that.....we're both fire signs and both highly compatible to each other. So if you believe in that, it kinda made sense as to why there was a lot of.....heat between us.)

3.You need to possess traditional values when it comes to dating.

I mean, the type of stuff that your grandmother said that your grandpa used to do for her when they were courting. Walk closest to the street, help me with my bags, help me out of the car, hold my hand as I'm walking down the stairs, pick me up on our dates, PAY for our dates, open the doors, walk me to my Uber, give a sense of protection, so on and so forth.  I found it strangely natural for me (and I hate using Hypergamous language here, but) to 'Rest in my feminine energy' when I was with him.  In reply, I naturally wanted to soothe him, to comfort him, to relax him, to make a safe space for him and just generally be a refuge of peace and pleasure for him, because he made me feel protected, respected and honored. I never really felt that way with previous boyfriends. Let alone, was ALLOWED to be in that type of space with someone, because I always felt like the give and take was one sided. And I usually felt like I was giving up a lot (which was access to my body) in exchange, for....what?....I met up with my boyfriend at Chili's and I paid for my chicken fajitas, and now.....I should give you sex? Because you're my boyfriend and we haven't had sex in two weeks? It was hardly ever romantic, and I think its because I never ever felt protected and honored by them. It just felt like I had to, because as the woman I had to keep him sexually satisfied? But I wasn't receiving anything from him in return. 

The olden days sucked for a lot of reasons, and I would never want to go back and live those years, but....they had something going right when it came to dating, and I miss that.

 

4. We MUST have sexual chemistry.

 

I've been in many relationships, where for me, I had no sexual desire for my partner. I liked them as a person, but there were so many times I avoided them when it came to sex, because I just wasn't interested. This partly goes back to not feeling respected and protected, but also......they f*cking sucked, dude.

Like, OMG. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. And I faked every moment of it.

With Blake.....I didn't have to fake anything. I have had several partners up until this point of my life, and it wasn't until I met him, that I was able to have an orgasm with my partner. At 29 years old, 6 boyfriends later.......I FINALLY had an orgasm with a man.

That is such a disgusting sentence to write. Partly, it was due to being able to relax with him. But also, dude had skills. And he wanted to take the TIME to give me pleasure. He asked me a lot of questions about what I desired during sex, he asked how I pleasured myself, in what ways, with what fingers, etc.  He had studied up previously on how to give pleasure to women. He read books on it, articles written by both men and women, watched videos, and showed he was really serious about it. And it paid off, because on March 18th, 2020, I had my very first orgasm with a man. I feel like I am never ever going to be able to find that type of selflessness and dedication again, but I'm looking for a partner, so I'm going to try. I doubt I will be able to find it though and I feel like sex is going to be one of the things that will have to be sacrificed, but at this point in my life, why not shoot for the stars.

 

 

5. Childless men only.

I'm 30 years old, and yes, it's going to get harder and harder to find a man who is not a dad. But I really did enjoy being able to drop everything and do anything that we wanted. When a man has a kid, that is not something he can do. His child still needs him to be responsible. That's the way it should be, and that's why I'm choosing to opt out. I'm just a woman, my needs aren't nearly as important as the child's.

 

6. He dresses well.

Look, I'm not looking for Tuxedos and top hats, but.....a little thought would be nice. Iron the shirt. Iron whatever bottoms you're going to be putting on. Have it be some sort of quality. Have the colors coordinate. Like I mentioned in my other thread, I'm a woman who takes great care in getting ready, especially when I'm seeing my partner. It's so disappointing to open the door, and your boyfriend is in the same hoodie he's always in and sweatpants with cracked crocs. Attraction should be mutual.  I've been out with previous boyfriends, and we would get stares. And I legitimately think its because we didn't match in regards to style, and NOT because of being in an interracial relationship.

Blake worked outside, so he was in jeans and t-shirts a lot. But, when we went on vacation or to dinner, he got himself cleaned up and put together, and that really did impress me. We were in New Orleans at a bar, and a horn player pointed out to the both of us and said, "I like ya'll style!" That made Blake's night. To know that the woman next to him complimented his style with her own style.

 

As I'm flipping through Tinder, everyone is down for 'fun' and the ones that are interested in something more long lasting, I'm not attracted to and they feel really......draggy? You can tell that their confidence isn't the best. Their laughter at my not-so-good jokes doesn't feel sincere, they agree with me on everything and they simply come across like they're so desperate for a girlfriend, that they'll do anything at this point. Back in the day, I would have given this a chance. And then wondered why I had no attraction to them and viewed them as weak.

I find myself swiping left for hours. Partly because I'm burned out from these apps, but also....they're just not what I want. They're not what I envision for myself. Also, on top of finding a man whose not into the idea of marriage or cohabitating, but rests in the vision of being forever partners.

I'm basically searching for a unicorn, I know.

 

Blake really did do a number on me.

 

Has an ex ever drastically changed your perception of what you viewed to be an ideal partner?

I don’t think he’s ruined anything. I think he’s actually guided you to what qualities you seek in a partner. Blessing in disguise for you.  

I had an ex who said that she had ruined future relationships for me! I think it was suggested by her friend , but she didn’t ruin anything.  The next one is always better than the last! 
 

watch out for those fake unicorns. Most of them are actually just a di*k in cunning disguise as a relic 

[Calmandfocused]

I agree with Ruby in the sense that I’m all for equality but I love a bit of tradition. 
 

I do love taking care of my current and former partners in the traditional sense. For example, most have loved the fact that they can come to me, say “babe I’m starving” and I’ll rustle up a meal for them on cue and “look after them” (so to speak). I’m also pretty nifty with an iron and taking care of the house. I’m a mother, such behaviour comes natural to me. 

I also like dressing very feminine, looking after myself physically and presenting my best self. I also have a huge sexual appetite. I’ve been told by almost all of my exes that they like the fact that I’m feminine and fun  but that I’m “wifey” too. 

So bearing this in mind, my current boyfriend insists on paying for meals out , takeaways and activities that we do together.  He’s not interested in cooking for me or looking after me in the same way I do him.  However in his mind this equals it out in terms of what we do for each other and I’m inclined to agree.
 

He’ll also “fix” things for me and look after me in other ways. 
 

That’s what you should be aiming for Op in my opinion. Standards that involve equality in the sense of give and take. Not the expectation that he pays for you at every date. 

 

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

None of that is crazy... but you may find yourself straying from that because you may find someone you really connect with, but doesn't check all the boxes.  I'll go down your numbers and comment.

1) Money: Yes... if you are going to be working in a position that pays well... you don't want to be supporting someone long term... if they don't want to at least strive to improve their position in life. But... you may fall in love with a middle school history teacher, and they may never make more than $40k yr.  AND... if they just started in their career... they may only be making $30k yr.   I think the better way to look at this... over saying "Need to make $50k yr"... is to say... "Are we in the same position in life, and can we grow together?" 

2/4)  #'s 2 and 4 go hand and hand.  You absolutely have to be attracted, and the sexual chemistry has to be there.  I'm not saying you have to date the sex crazed "Hottie"... but you need to be attracted, and you need to be on the same page with sex. Simple as that.  You don't have to make excuses, and you don't have to make allowances here. This is a key to long term happiness.  This is where me and my new GF mix well.  She is small, and I'm 6' 240lbs. She feels safe with me, and says "We fit well" because she can cuddle into my chest. 

3) Values... ABSOLUTLY !!!!!!!!!    There are so many people out there who say they have values... but in reality, they don't.  Take my exW for example.  She was a good Christian girl... but she felt it was OK to slander me to the world to justify the divorce. (never saw that coming)  But, there are so many people who think it's ok to cheat, or flirt, or get drunk all the time, or do drugs, or sleep around, or even multi-date. TO me... that's a big No-No. You must be on the same page.  If you are a good person, who really only sleeps with one person, and have good morals... than the only person you can be with is someone like yourself.  Otherwise... you will have heartbreak. 

5) I get it.  But, as a single father... it hurts when I see this.   But I get it.  I have kids, and I really wasn't ready to date a woman with kids.  Well... more to the point... young kids. I'm feeling some freedom because my kids are older.  They understand life a little, and don't question why "Daddy" is going on a date with someone that isn't "Mommy".   And, they can be left alone for a few hours if I need to go to the store.  I just couldn't date someone with a small child, because I don't want to be in that stage again.  It's taken almost 14 years to get out of that stage in my own life... and I'm not willing to go back.   But with that said... maybe consider someone with older kids.  I know my current FG has told me a few times that she told herself that she would NEVER date a man with kids. She is not the "Motherly" type... and didn't want to deal with that.  BUT... here we are.  10 months together, and things are good. But here again... my kids are good, they listen to me... and they are older. So it's not like she has to be "Mom" around them. 

6) This one you may want to rethink. OK... in my professional life... I'm a consultant, and I wear suits, ties, sport coats... so on.  Heck... I have $2k watches, and $400 shoes.  BUT...when I'm home... it's blue jeans/shorts and t-shirts. I'm a physical/hands on kind of guy... and I need clothes that I can destroy from time to time. Besides... it's just more comfortable.  But on that point... my t-shirts, and jeans are hung up... so they aren't wrinkled.   With that said... if I go out... I put on the appropriate clothes.  If we go to the local country club for dinner... it's a blazer.  If we go to the local brewery... it's a leather jacket.

Anyway... My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. I wish you luck in your journey. 

[ThereSheGoes]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I've been caught up with studying lately, it's finals week, and I have been hitting the books. Sorry for the delay.

To clear some things up:

 

1. I'm not looking for a man to take care of me. I'm not looking to be wined and dined. I don't want a man to give me money and pay my bills. (that would defeat the point of spending all this money on a degree, right?)  I've never ACCEPTED money from a man before. I just want my future partner to be Okay financially.

I'm the type of woman who is very spontaneous. A month ago, I just randomly went to the beach in the middle of the night. Or if I want some cake at  2 a.m., and just don't feel like baking one myself, I'll get ready and head into town for House of Pies, which is a 24 hour dessert diner in my city. I have had had so many boyfriends who said no to requests such as these, because they couldn't afford the gas or they couldn't afford the $5 for the cake. Most of us aren't wealthy, but....when is the struggle going to end? Not looking for a millionaire. Just someone who isn't eating gummy worms for dinner, because they can't afford food. (Thats an actual thing I have seen happen.) And $50K in Houston would get you a decent sized 1 bedroom apartment, with a decent car. Nothing flashy, but good enough and you can do it on your own. Thats all I want.

 

2. Yes, I want him to pay for every date.  And it's not because I feel entitled to his money. His money is his money and my money is my money.

I know it's not the same cup of tea for everyone, not everyone is in to it. And I respect that. But this is a gesture, that I personally find not only to be selfless, but also, FOR ME, shows assertiveness. He can protect me and he can provide entertainment, and show some level of responsibility. I am attracted to control and responsibility.  I'm also not the type of girl who likes to be asked, "Well, what do you want to do?". I rather my partner come armed with a plan, and I'll throw in the spontaneity on top.

If I want to go somewhere, I will suggest it, and I will pay because it was my suggestion (usually its something he's not in to). But if we're going out for the evening, ON A DATE......I think he should pay.

 

3. If a man is exhibiting these traditional qualities,  it is then easy for me to recline in to a more traditional role within our relationship. It's not a one-sided thing. My nature leans more towards a support-role type of identity, anyway. I love to cook, I love to clean, and if I feel like I'm being respected and honored and if I feel like my feelings and desires are being recognized, and he genuinely cares for me.....I turn in to June Cleaver. (I chose my avy for a reason!)

For instance, I was stuck at Blake's apartment for awhile because of the quarantine. He still had to work because he was considered essential. (He's an electrician). When he would come home every night, I had a three course meal waiting for him. Every night. I would have made him breakfast too, but he wasn't much of a breakfast guy.

His laundry was clean, his apartment was spotless. I dusted, I polished, I mopped. I baked SO MUCH, just so he could have snacks around. I organized his shelves (he never had time to do it himself) and color coded his t-shirts. I would rub him down every night, because he suffered from sore joints because of his job. I gave him long candle-lit baths. I rubbed his feet, I kissed his head. If he was having a headache, I turned off all of the lights, put his head in my lap, and rubbed his temples until he fell asleep.  I used my body as a place of peace for him. Not in a sexual way, but in a giving, nurturing way. 

Now some women may feel that that is completely inappropriate, and they would never. I would say, I'm the same way.....for most men. He has to give off an energy that will allow me to feed in to my nature. And I can't do that, when I feel like I have to be both man and woman in a relationship. I'm a very feminine woman. When I go out, I'm more than likely in some sort of dress or skirt (Unless it's cold out). I'm tired of being with men who want me to cater to them within the relationship, as if I was a man. I'm not afraid of catering to my partner. When it's out of love, its something that comes natural, and it doesn't feel like you're giving up anything, because there's a mutual give and take.  I want to feel protected, I want to feel guarded, I want to feel like he has my back.  If he does that for me, I'll be the safest place he would ever know.

And it's more of what he's putting out, than his physical size. Blake was my height, we we're both 5'3. I felt protected by him.

 

4. 99% percent of my past sexual experiences was not for my pleasure. It was for theirs. Thats why I felt like I was giving up so much. He wanted me to take on a male role, while also giving him my femininity, and my body. In exchanged, I didn't feel protected, I didn't feel honored and I didn't feel respected, let alone loved.  I just felt like.....I was just there for him, in the midst of all of his baggage, and he was either unable or unwilling to give me any security. I want our sexual chemistry to be mutual. And not just for the glory and satisfaction of him.

 

5. Blind-Sided, I didn't mean to hurt you. I can only imagine what dating is like for single dads like you and Blaze. Being out there in those streets, with women who are less than sincere. And I can understand that as I get older, my chances of finding a single, childless man, let alone with the personality traits I'm looking for.....thats going to be a tall order to fill. I would just PREFER not to date a man with kids. For reasons I've already listed.......and I've dated men with children before.

Sometimes there would be drama in the mix; He was still in love with the mother of his children or he was so disgusted by her that he would go on these horrible rants. I don't want that. But a lot of the time.....he just didn't have time for me. I had to fit in where I could in his life. And between job, kids, their needs, his needs, and just the every day stuff..........there was no space for me. I'm not a woman that needs your constant interaction, but 1 or 2 dates a week.....with some texts sprinkled through out.....I wouldn't think that would be a lot to ask for in dating or in a relationship.

I prefer a single man, with no kids, with a nine to five. Maybe not exactly a nine to five specifically, but some sort of routine to the hours that he works.

[ThereSheGoes]

12 hours ago, Caauug said:

Maybe, as nearly all the women out there are looking for the same.... At 30 the competition from the younger girls will be harder to match. Don't ride the carousel too long....

Google "Six Sixes" you missed a few requirements, I am sure you will adjust your list to suite....

It's not so much the time as it is your #1 requirement. Kids cost money!!! More kids he has the less money he has to spend on you.... Why get hooked up with a man where the best part of his income is taken to feed and cloth his kids from other relationships? It's not your fault he has very little left after child support payments are made, taxes paid and his meager living expenses are subtracted from that $50k income..... That's right, you are above Taco Bell dates.....

That's easy, just never set up a date. As he is "Traditional" he can set up ALL dates and fund them also.....

The "Traditional Way" had to go because of women's rights and equality..... But hold on, paying for dates, opening doors, giving up your coat to keep her warm on a cold night, walking next to the street etc is not part of it..... Just cherry pick out the good bits that leave you entitled because you are female!!!

Don't get me wrong, for a guy I am very much for equality in rights, as equal as they can get for two different beings. But to cherry pick out parts from days long gone that benefit one over the other is not achieving equality.

Ok, I'll bite, a little...

I was what you describe as "Traditional".... GF showed she could handle money while living together. We married, combined finances, she managed the money. We both went to school part time and worked for about 4 yrs.. No debt. Times were tight with next to no frills. We were both focused on our goals. Once school was all done with both incomes flowing in we bought a house. Renovations took up the disposable incomes. Then she bought herself a fur coat (^$5K). "It is my money" was her reply...  A week later our dog got very sick, she gave me $10 to take it to the vet, I had no other money or access it. $10 would not have paid for fuel to get to the vet.....  It turned out she had even wasted ever last bullet I had on target practicing the weekend before. I did the best I could with what I had, it wasn't nice but he (the dog) didn't suffer long. This was the beginning of the end with her.

Lesson learned:

I will never leave myself that open to emotional destruction again. To have to kill your own dog (by hand) just to stop it's suffering. I had no other choice. I still believe the vet could have saved him for a few more years, if I had the money.

No one will get total access to what I have worked hard for. You want my money? What service are you going to provide for me? Nothing is for free. Day to day expenses of running a home fine but never 100% again.

You want to buy something expensive for yourself? Fine, earn the money to pay for it. Don't look at me to fund your dreams. Gifts are not as valued as when the money is earned with your own toil. Gifts all fall into the trinket zone with me.

I am now 100% for equal rights, well as equal as they can get anyway. Maybe this was not the "Changed Story" you were looking for....

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

But....why did you do that to him yourself? That whole scenario sounds like something that could have gone a million other ways, but that.

And it sounds like somewhere in your relationship, there was a major break down. You just don't go from loving someone, working mutually together, to.....throwing $10 at your partner and his dying pet.