ARontif Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 (edited) This is tough... I love my fiancé, but I had to make the hard choice to break up with her. I found out shortly into the relationship that she had married another woman. It turns out it was because her childhood friend is a foreign student and wanted to get her citizenship (yes, I know....it's fraudulent and unethical ). I was shocked initially, but eventually took some months to accept it because I love her and wanted to demonstrate my commitment to her by being fair and understanding. I know she's not a lesbian and has no sexual proclivities towards women. Not that it would matter. If that was the case, I'd accept that and move on. But that wasn't the reason. This was truly and verifiably because she and her friend got the bright idea to do it and didn't think of the consequences. Call it youthful idealism (that's putting it diplomatically) I suggested she dissolve the marriage or divorce her friend before things got more complicated for her and, potentially, legally disastrous. She agreed but took forever to do it.This dragged on for a year until it finally broke me. I couldn't even move forward with her to legally marry her in the state until it was resolved. Both of our families kept wondering what the hold up was. I didn't want to damage her credibility or mine by revealing it to family or having people find out, so I kept quiet and tried to work through it with her. But it was one roadblock and one disaster after the other that exhausted me and destroyed what we had and diminished my feelings for her and my will to keep pushing forward. Hiding that fact and dealing with the stress was my own personal hell. Honestly, that wasn't the only behavior she displayed that was unethical and morally questionable. I had some lingering doubts about her commitment to behaving like a stable adult, but I compromised and and tried to be understanding. She tried to back me off the ledge a handful of times from breaking up with her. I know she felt it was coming but was in denial about it. Needless to say, the whole thing was painful. And towards the last few weeks before we broke up, things took a huge toll on me with the stress from work and her issues and I began to get very hostile and said terrible things to her. Frankly, some of the things I said were factually true, but I used some terrible language in between. Finally one night, I demanded she get her things and leave. It has been 5 weeks and I haven't heard from her. She's completely gone m.i.a. and blocked me on every platform. This is not what I wanted, but I was convinced I made the rational choice which I explained to her. Now I'm missing her a lot and my heart is broken. I want to be able to speak to her, at the very least. But now I feel like I'm being punished. Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think is going on in her head? Will she eventually reach out? Edited December 1, 2020 by ARontif addition to text Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 You already provided the answer in your post. She was stressing you out and making you miserable because of her questionable actions regarding the same sex marriage, it wasn't getting resolved, you ran out of patients, you broke up with her and said horrible things to her and made her leave. She left. It's over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARontif Posted December 1, 2020 Author Share Posted December 1, 2020 1 minute ago, trident_2020 said: You already provided the answer in your post. She was stressing you out and making you miserable because of her questionable actions regarding the same sex marriage, it wasn't getting resolved, you ran out of patients, you broke up with her and said horrible things to her and made her leave. She left. It's over. I admit I was expecting a more elaborate answer, but perhaps you're right and this doesn't require any more elaboration. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 Occam's Razor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARontif Posted December 1, 2020 Author Share Posted December 1, 2020 1 minute ago, trident_2020 said: Occam's Razor. I fancy myself as a guy that maintains a good balance of rationality and an appreciation of the unpredictability of love and issues of the heart, so I appreciate what you're saying; the simplest answer is the right one. But is it EVER a simple answer when it comes to love? I don't want to be so rational that I lose touch with the mysterious and esoteric stuff and look at everything as black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 Sometimes you have to put logic and reason ahead of emotions. Seems to me like this is one of those times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARontif Posted December 1, 2020 Author Share Posted December 1, 2020 7 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Sometimes you have to put logic and reason ahead of emotions. Seems to me like this is one of those times. Fair enough. I appreciate you taking the time to respond! Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 1 hour ago, ARontif said: Needless to say, the whole thing was painful. And towards the last few weeks before we broke up, things took a huge toll on me with the stress from work and her issues and I began to get very hostile and said terrible things to her. Frankly, some of the things I said were factually true, but I used some terrible language in between. Finally one night, I demanded she get her things and leave. It has been 5 weeks and I haven't heard from her. She's completely gone m.i.a. and blocked me on every platform. This is not what I wanted, but I was convinced I made the rational choice which I explained to her. Now I'm missing her a lot and my heart is broken. I want to be able to speak to her, at the very least. But now I feel like I'm being punished I"ll take a chance here. I don't think she's contacting you because of the way you berated her for her secret passport-marriage to her friend. And, why do you care? You rejected her. Her "secret" nearly ruined your life the way it affected your work life. She lied to you and misled you when you pried for the truth. Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to tell the truth when asked? Why do you want her back in your life? Why do you care what she does after you broke off the engagement. Do you want to reconcile and go through with the wedding after all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 You broke up with her, you ended the relationship, and in dramatic fashion. That's fine. It sounds like you had your reasons and you were not compatible with her. Now I think you have really unrealistic expectations of what should happen next. I'm sure she's really hurt from this breakup. You expect her to stay in touch with you? Why? That's just not realistic or reasonable. It's normal for someone to block their ex or not speak to them after a breakup. Just leave her alone and let her move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 Sorry to hear that. You made the right decision. Your heart was broken a long long time ago. It's just hitting you now because you finalized what should have been done when you discovered these false pretenses. She's not who she claims to be and has issues with being ethical . You dodged a bullet. When the heartache wears off, you'll see that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 Maybe she didn't want to end the marriage because she really loves the friend and is bi. Why else would she stall you? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 She's not going to "come around." She made a choice to marry her friend. Whether her motives were legally or morally wrong, she made that choice. Then she made the choice not to expedite the dissolution of that relationship to clear her path to marry you. The fact that she accepted your proposal of marriage when she wasn't legally free to do so says a lot about her character or lack there of. You love her. As a result you are thinking emotionally. Logically you did what had to be done. Ended things. Part of you thought that dramatic step would wake her up & cause her to take action, to chose you. She didn't In time you will see that you dodged a bullet. For now, grieve the loss. Lick your wounds. You wil heal but for now, NC is your best bet 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, Watercolors said: Why do you want her back in your life? Why do you care what she does after you broke off the engagement. Do you want to reconcile and go through with the wedding after all? Seen this a lot with breakups. A lot has to do with power dynamics. Especially in breakups the way we feel about it is often more about how the other person reacts to a break up then how we actually feel about them and the relationship. Humans are pretty simple when you boil it down. Go watch a bunch of 6 year olds playing with toys. When we can't have something - we want it. When no one else wants it neither do we. The fact after the breakup the partner completely cut contact and just cut him out of her life without any dramatic meetups, fights, arguments, debates - on again - off again - took away the option for him to take her back. The no contact shifts all the power over to her. Now he doesn't have the option to take her back - so he wants her back. Its a normal and painful part of the breakup process. But I think if the OP thinks about - looks back at how bad the end of the relationship was. The fact she seemed to be stalling the marriage making his life miserable - and also the fact she hasn't made contact again. Its sounds like this is for the best ..... its painful now - but that will fade with time. Edited December 1, 2020 by Justanaverageguy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 15 hours ago, ARontif said: Now I'm missing her a lot and my heart is broken. I want to be able to speak to her, at the very least. But now I feel like I'm being punished. Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think is going on in her head? Will she eventually reach out? Maybe not. few will get away with treating people badly no matter how justified you may feel it was. Once you break up many will NEVER want to talk to you or want to see you ever again, add in the "abuse" then you will very lucky to ever hear from her. She will likely be scared of you now, hence why she has dropped off the radar... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 Hold on: let me sure I understand this. You kicked her out, told her to get her things and go? And this eviction came after a long period of dissatisfaction with the slow pace of her divorce (totally reasonable so far)? And then we go off the deep end unless my eyes deceive me. You expected HER to call you? And want to resume the relationship? Dude, you kicked her out. Why would she call you? Did you think kicking her out was a negotiation tactic? The only people who "reach out" after being unceremoniously dumped are people with low confidence and esteem. She blocked you because that's what smart people do when they get abruptly dumped. You move on. You don't go back. For her to go back would just expose her to you getting angry again. You really thought she was gonna call? And do what? Apologize? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 18 hours ago, ARontif said: This is not what I wanted, but I was convinced I made the rational choice which I explained to her. Now I'm missing her a lot and my heart is broken. I want to be able to speak to her, at the very least. But now I feel like I'm being punished. Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think is going on in her head? Will she eventually reach out? She's done you a favor by blocking you and completely removing herself from your life. You see, now there's no way for you to sabotage yourself by reconciling with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 20 hours ago, ARontif said: ... This is not what I wanted, but I was convinced I made the rational choice which I explained to her. Now I'm missing her a lot and my heart is broken. I want to be able to speak to her, at the very least. But now I feel like I'm being punished. Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think is going on in her head? Will she eventually reach out? I'm kind of disturbed that your vibe seems to be you have no idea why she is upset, that you are the victim (being punished), that in your head it was all pretty reasonable even if you said some truths harshly, really nothing to get that upset about. Dude, you told her to grab her things and leave, after saying mean things to her. Now you wonder if she is going to reach out to you? That is frankly just delusional, unless she forgot something she can't live without...like her phone. You ended it in a very harsh and angry way. I can't read her mind, but if it was me I would be completely be reevaluating who I thought you were. Not the good guy I thought, not the safe guy I thought. I would be thinking he showed his true colors and they are not pretty. If it was me you can bet I would never, ever contact you. I'd block you. You killed the relationship and should just let it go, don't prolong her pain by bugging her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 Maybe you were asking something of her she couldn't do. When you sponser an immigrant by marriage you are responsible for them for something like 5 years? What I see is She married this friend before meeting you, she told you at the beginning of your relationship, you accepted that situation at the time but changed your mind along the way and started pressuring her. There is a reason why she kept delaying. Did you look into that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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