SumGuy Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 16 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: That’s a weird text. Sorry . I’m just imagining being on the receiving end and I would find it weird. I think it’s better (and more convincing) to establish boundaries when you actually get to that road, instead of thinking up hypothetical situations and drawing up a map before you get there. It almost seems controlling/forced? Will just say as a guy, didn't find it weird or controlling, etc. Get why it would be done and understand where it is coming from. As OP shared there are some men who think if you ask them to come over it means sex, and they get angry if you don't put out. This is not new, and actually pretty common in the past. Heck in dating have had women who feel they need to offer to pay half because they have met who think if they buy them dinner they should get laid. I recall in the 70s and 80s guys who complained she didn't put out after a fancy dinner not being called on it immediately and voraciously, as if their anger had a modicum of justification. It's not like this toxic mentality disappeared when it no longer became socially acceptable, it just got covered up and rebranded. 1
QuietRiot Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 On 11/30/2020 at 9:13 PM, snowboy91 said: Inviting someone of the opposite sex over could have connotations depending on what your relationship is like. If it's been purely friendship to date, then expect nothing. If you have a history of sex like you describe, then he may well have the expectation that sex will happen. If you've just started dating where sex is assumed at some point, then expect him to want it. I'm a bit confused of what your expectations are. Do you want sex with him or not? If we go with the assumption that you do want it, but only if you're not being used only for sex, I don't think you're going to have that issue with a guy you've known for some time. The relationship will probably go the way it will (positive or otherwise) regardless of whether there is sex or not. You could also say outright that sex isn't going to happen if you want to quash expectations. If you feel like it in the moment, then you could go for it and overturn the "no", but then that sets up the idea that "no" could mean "yes"... which is problematic in itself. When I first started dating a woman, our 2nd date was at her place. She said she wanted to teach me some work-out related stuff. Which I did learn some stuff, since then, everytime I was over at her place, and her at my place...we did a lot of making out, but no sex. When things didn't work out, she honestly thought us being at each other's homes so soon kind of led to the detriment of our relationship. Moving too fast I guess, I dunno, but why look in hindsight?
Miss Spider Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Will just say as a guy, didn't find it weird or controlling, etc. Get why it would be done and understand where it is coming from. As OP shared there are some men who think if you ask them to come over it means sex, and they get angry if you don't put out. This is not new, and actually pretty common in the past. Heck in dating have had women who feel they need to offer to pay half because they have met who think if they buy them dinner they should get laid. I recall in the 70s and 80s guys who complained she didn't put out after a fancy dinner not being called on it immediately and voraciously, as if their anger had a modicum of justification. It's not like this toxic mentality disappeared when it no longer became socially acceptable, it just got covered up and rebranded. Thanks. Yeah, I don’t know if it is just a generational thing but I have been to quite a few dates at guys’ house and didn’t try for sex. I guess that is why I would see saying something along the lines of this pretty assumptive. I can see where a person who saw inviting someone over to their home as an explicit invite for sex or vice versa might feel the need to say this, though. Also in this case, where it might be implicit that sex will happen based on their history. Still, I think a general more succinct explanation of how she is no longer interested in a hook up or casual sex would suffice. To me, the way she wrote it sounds like she’s uncertain and almost trying to convince herself. And like it would be really easy to talk her out of it in the moment. Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
poppyfields Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 (edited) On 11/30/2020 at 6:25 PM, grays said: From what you say it looks like my text was not explicit enough. What I meant to say was “I want you to come over and hang out but I’m not having sex with you..." Unless the guy propositioned you for sex or even just suggested it, telling a man this (bolded) is totally presumptuous and insulting. What makes you think that's why he's coming over? The implication being you believe (or suspect) him to be some sort of sex pervert who only wants sex from you, which is NOT always the case. I had a bad experience after inviting a first date over, but not all men are sex-craved deviants. Most are not. If a guy starts putting moves on you, THAT is when you say no to sex. But for goodness sake, don't insult the guy prior by presuming he's coming over to get sex. I invited my fiance to mine for dinner on our 3rd date, and he certainly didn't presume it meant for sex. It wasn't, he came over and we had a lovely time, no sex. I would venture to guess if I had announced prior "I'd like to make you a nice dinner at mine, but no sex!" he would have felt quite put off and insulted. If you think he's a good guy from what you know, just invite him over. Don't presume anything. If he starts behaving "inappropriately" and that's not what you want, speak up and say so. Edited December 5, 2020 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: What makes you think that's why he's coming over? The implication being you believe (or suspect) him to be some sort of sex pervert who only wants sex from you, which is NOT always the case. He is a former FWB, their relationship such as it was, was based on sex... 1
poppyfields Posted December 5, 2020 Posted December 5, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He is a former FWB, their relationship such as it was, was based on sex... Ok missed that, my bad!! In that case, my post doesn't apply. Note to Self: Read posts. 1
SumGuy Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 22 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Thanks. Yeah, I don’t know if it is just a generational thing but I have been to quite a few dates at guys’ house and didn’t try for sex. ... That is good, although I also have heard similar stories to the OP from 20 something's. Now it may be an important distinction being invited over to their place versus inviting them over to yours. The latter seems to be misconstrued as a promise of sex. 1
poppyfields Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, poppyfields said: I invited my fiance to mine for dinner on our 3rd date, and he certainly didn't presume it meant for sex. It wasn't, he came over and we had a lovely time, no sex. I would venture to guess if I had announced prior "I'd like to make you a nice dinner at mine, but no sex!" he would have felt quite put off and insulted. If you think he's a good guy from what you know, just invite him over. Don't presume anything. If he starts behaving "inappropriately" and that's not what you want, speak up and say so. Re-quoting^ for emphasis. Bolded last paragraph. I agree with shortskirts and disagree with SumGuy. Generally speaking and putting the former FWB aside, when inviting a man you are dating over to yours for the first time, announcing prior in whatever words you choose, no sex, is presumptuous, and it's not a generational thing. You have NO idea what his thoughts or intentions are by agreeing, don't insult him by presuming HE is assuming it means the promise of sex. Develop strong boundaries and use when necessary. Edited December 6, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1
poppyfields Posted December 6, 2020 Posted December 6, 2020 (edited) And if you distrust men so severely that you presume all they want is sex, honestly you have no business dating at all, let alone inviting them to yours. If that's been your experience, fine tune your picker and BS meter. Choose better men. Edited December 6, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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