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Is sex all he is after?

roseears

By roseears
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
59 minutes ago, roseears said:

Sorry I misread your post! Got it now!

But no I am not having sex with him. I need to have a connection in order to do that (mentally, emotionally, etc), and I felt it before we met, but not feeling it anymore.

In regards to your friend could it be that the sex was really bad, or the relationship was already having issues?

No the sex was the hottest she ever had, they cuddled in bed afterwards and she spent the night.  She said he did not/could not sleep.  She did.

The following day he started acted weird, distant.  Finally she asked what was up, he said he didnt know.  He thought he wanted a relationship but now was not sure. 

She decided to wait it out and one day he ghosted her.  Did not even have the courtesy to end it properly, he just ghosted.  

Six months they dated.  

The men I've talked to and read about?  Most admit they don't know how they truly feel or what they want until AFTER sex.  They will never tell the woman this.

For most women, it's relationship first, sex second.  

For many men (not all), its sex first, relationship second.  

Yin/yang.  Mars/Venus.  

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roseears Member

roseears

Posted
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Posted
4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No the sex was the hottest she ever had, they cuddled in bed afterwards and she spent the night.  She said he did not/could not sleep.  She did.

The following day he started acted weird, distant.  Finally she asked what was up, he said he didnt know.  He thought he wanted a relationship but now was not sure. 

She decided to wait it out and one day he ghosted her.  Did not even have the courtesy to end it properly, he just ghosted.  

Six months they dated.  

The men I've talked to and read about?  Most admit they don't know how they truly feel or what they want until AFTER sex.  They will never tell the woman this.

For most women, it's relationship first, sex second.  

For many men (not all), its sex first, relationship second.  

Yin/yang.  Mars/Venus.  

I get that. And sex is important to me too. I could never be in a relationship where there wasn’t sexual compatibility.

But in my case, a guy who does not speak about anything else but sex, leads me to believe he is not even interested in knowing how he feels about me, he just wants one thing only.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, roseears said:

I get that. And sex is important to me too. I could never be in a relationship where there wasn’t sexual compatibility.

But in my case, a guy who does not speak about anything else but sex, leads me to believe he is not even interested in knowing how he feels about me, he just wants one thing only.

Just shut the sex talk down.  Do not engage!  

He is testing boundaries. So maintain strong ones and do not go there.  

If he likes you (for more than sex) he will stick around.  If not, he won't.  

However, even if you wait until you have developed a strong emotional connection, anything can happen after sex.  

Sex often changes things, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. 

No guarantees.  It's all a risk. 

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roseears Member

roseears

Posted
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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Just shut the sex talk down.  Do not engage!  

He is testing boundaries. So maintain strong ones and do not go there.  

If he likes you (for more than sex) he will stick around.  If not, he won't.  

However, even if you wait until you have developed a strong emotional connection, anything can happen after sex.  

Sex often changes things, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. 

No guarantees.  It's all a risk. 

I already decided to shut the sex talk down, and surprisingly he stopped it too. He has been doing the sex talk everyday and today just sent a good morning how are you text and nothing else. 

Anyway I don’t think he was testing boundaries, I think he only wants sex and we didn’t go all the way on our date. And I think he will probably just fade now and we won’t talk again.

I think sex always changes everything. Being on the first date or the 200th date, it always changes the dynamic between two people, for the best or the worse.

 

Edited by roseears
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, roseears said:

I think sex always changes everything. Being on the first date or the 200th date, it always changes the dynamic between two people, for the best or the worse.

I agree.   Why don't you next him before HE fades?  

I would.  I got real turned off when men started talking sex before even meeting.  That's an automatic block and delete.  

Or if they bring it up during first or second date.  I love flirting!  But there's a line.

So it's easy for me to next.  It's just a turn off.

That said, I did have sex with my ex on our first meet.  It wasn't even a date! 

But he did not push for it, it just sort of happened, a mutual thing.  We dated six years after that night.

But that is RARE and I was very young.  I would never do that again!  

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roseears Member

roseears

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Posted (edited)
57 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree.   Why don't you next him before HE fades?  

I would.  I got real turned off when men started talking sex before even meeting.  That's an automatic block and delete.  

Or if they bring it up during first or second date.  I love flirting!  But there's a line.

So it's easy for me to next.  It's just a turn off.

That said, I did have sex with my ex on our first meet.  It wasn't even a date! 

But he did not push for it, it just sort of happened, a mutual thing.  We dated six years after that night.

But that is RARE and I was very young.  I would never do that again!  

Yes it will be block and delete for me too from now on if they come with sex talk very early.

I agree that sex can happen on a first date and is ok to me in an organic and natural way. This guy (or any guy) talking about sex even before meeting is not organic at all, he’s already setting the stage and showing he’s got a goal in his mind. Two very different things!

How would a guy feel if a woman starts talking about marriage and kids and introducing him to her parents before they even meet? He would think she is crazy, right? Too much too soon. So talking about sex too early is the same thing.

Edited by roseears
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, roseears said:

Yes it will be block and delete for me too from now on if they come with sex talk very early.

I agree that sex can happen on a first date and is ok to me in an organic and natural way. This guy (or any guy) talking about sex even before meeting is not organic at all, he’s already setting the stage and showing he’s got a goal in his mind. Two very different things!

How would a guy feel if a woman starts talking about marriage and kids and introducing him to her parents before they even meet? He would think she is crazy, right? Too much too soon. So talking about sex too early is the same thing.

 

2 hours ago, roseears said:

Yes it will be block and delete for me too from now on if they come with sex talk very early.

I agree that sex can happen on a first date and is ok to me in an organic and natural way. This guy (or any guy) talking about sex even before meeting is not organic at all, he’s already setting the stage and showing he’s got a goal in his mind. Two very different things!

How would a guy feel if a woman starts talking about marriage and kids and introducing him to her parents before they even meet? He would think she is crazy, right? Too much too soon. So talking about sex too early is the same thing.


 

talking about life goals such as wanting to get married and wanting kids is important to talk about on a first date.  That is very different than talking about wedding planning.

 

saying some sexual innuendo can be used to measure interest level.

 

if he was blown away about the make out he could be trying to share this with you.

 

 

 

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

saying some sexual innuendo can be used to measure interest level.

Lol, what a load of *.  Before meeting?  It's disrespectful, period.  

Try being a woman for two minutes you might understand. I get guys have it tough too, but some of these guys and all their "sexual innuendo" before meeting and during first meet, GMAFB. :laugh:

 

Edited by poppyfields
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roseears Member

roseears

Posted
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Posted
7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 


 

talking about life goals such as wanting to get married and wanting kids is important to talk about on a first date.  That is very different than talking about wedding planning.

 

saying some sexual innuendo can be used to measure interest level.

 

if he was blown away about the make out he could be trying to share this with you.

 

 

 

 

Well I wasn't referring to "talk about marriage and kids as life goals", I was referring about talking about marriage and kids with the person you are talking to and haven't even met! 

Because he did make sexual innuendos about having sex with me before we met. They weren't just general sexual innuendos as "life goals".

Saying sexual innuendos to measure interest level? lol Ok then I go back to my previous post. I'll start making wedding planning and having kids together innuendos to measure interest level! lol Both are ridiculous.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, roseears said:

I already decided to shut the sex talk down, and surprisingly he stopped it too. He has been doing the sex talk . And I think he will probably just fade now and we won’t talk again.

Excellent. Don't beat yourself up that things got a bit steamy on the date.

He does seem to have a one track mind, so if he fades you dodged a bullet.

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roseears Member

roseears

Posted
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Posted
4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Don't beat yourself up that things got a bit steamy on the date.

He does seem to have a one track mind, so if he fades you dodged a bullet.

Well he has been acting weird the past days. The sex talk stopped, he sends me a morning text, asks how I am, I respond and ask him the same, he reads and doesn’t respond anything until the next day... 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, roseears said:

Saying sexual innuendos to measure interest level? lol 

The only interest they're trying to gauge is her interest in having sex. That's pretty much it at that point in time. 

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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, roseears said:

Well he has been acting weird the past days. The sex talk stopped, he sends me a morning text, asks how I am, I respond and ask him the same, he reads and doesn’t respond anything until the next day... 

He's keeping you in the rotation.  He's probably bothering a few other women right now with his sex talk and seeing who is going to actually sleep with him.

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roseears Member

roseears

Posted
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Posted
4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The only interest they're trying to gauge is her interest in having sex. That's pretty much it at that point in time. 

Exactly. Men are actually quite simple.

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roseears Member

roseears

Posted
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Posted
1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

He's keeping you in the rotation.  He's probably bothering a few other women right now with his sex talk and seeing who is going to actually sleep with him.

Yes I thought that too. Giving me some crumbs of communication and as far as I continue to respond, his effort is low.

If I asked what’s going on I’m sure his reply would be ‘I have been very busy with work’ lol

I’m checking out from this guy.

 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, roseears said:

 

I’m checking out from this guy.

Good call. 👍

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 11/30/2020 at 4:43 PM, roseears said:

My best friend ended up marrying her ONS. So not all situations are the same.

But this isn't your best friend and the guy isn't your best friend's husband. She is the rare exception--the vast majority of these interactions go no further than sex on a ONS.

Edited by kendahke
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
On 12/1/2020 at 11:07 AM, roseears said:

My concern is him only talking about sex all the time after that first date.

that is because you set the tone for this on the first date instead of not going to his house and talking about what you both are looking for in a partner.

kismetkismet Established Member

kismetkismet

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't think this has anything to do with her hooking up with him on the first date. This guy just happens to only be looking for sex. I do think that him talking about sex before the first date was a bit of a red flag though. It's one thing to meet up on the first date and hit it off so much that things get physical, and another to go into the date with a plan to have sex/hook up. 

My husband was supposed to be a ONS and so was my ex before him, who I dated for 2 years. I know plenty of people that hooked up on their first date and wound up in long term relationships/got married. I don't think that's a huge factor unless you live somewhere very conservative. It can be more of a problem if ALL you do is sex.. ie you don't also take time on the date to get to know each other. 

 

Edited by kismetkismet
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

This guy just happens to only be looking for sex.

and having sex on the first date gave him the idea that she is down to smash as much as he is...

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, kendahke said:

and having sex on the first date gave him the idea that she is down to smash as much as he is...

they didn't have sex, just a steamy make out session...regardless, it is not on her he became all about and only about sex,

to say she "set the tone" implies she is responsible for his behavior, like she was asking for it, which could only be true if women who make out on the first date are just about sex...like some kind of madonna-whore thing...

I get it, some men do think this way, next to them I say.  Good she found this out now.

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kismetkismet Established Member

kismetkismet

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, kendahke said:

and having sex on the first date gave him the idea that she is down to smash as much as he is...

True, but having sex and getting to know each other/date aren't always mutually exclusive. I mean, It sounds like she was down to smash, just not JUST to smash lol.

If you're going to regret hooking up with someone if it turns out they're not after a relationship, then obviously don't do it until you know that they are. But hooking up with someone doesn't STOP them from wanting to get to know you if that was their initial intention. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
55 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

True, but having sex and getting to know each other/date aren't always mutually exclusive. I mean, It sounds like she was down to smash, just not JUST to smash lol.

If you're going to regret hooking up with someone if it turns out they're not after a relationship, then obviously don't do it until you know that they are. But hooking up with someone doesn't STOP them from wanting to get to know you if that was their initial intention. 

OR, his (and her) intentions were a ONS but then afterwards realized they both wanted more.

I had a ONS with my long term ex; HE had just gotten out of a RL and was not looking for another when this happened.  

I had no expectations either way.

He contacted me the following day and we were together six YEARS after that night.

Generally speaking, get rid of black and white thinking.  It's literally impossible to predict anything!  

Use your best judgment and do what you're comfortable doing.   Lower expections and allow the universe to lead the way (i.e let chips fall where they may).

OP, his disrespectful behaviour was not your fault.  For anyone to suggest it was comes very close to, or is, slut shaming. 

That said, you helped in setting the tone but his crap behavior was all on him.  

Edited by poppyfields
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, roseears said:

Well I wasn't referring to "talk about marriage and kids as life goals", I was referring about talking about marriage and kids with the person you are talking to and haven't even met! 

 

There is not an issue asking even before meeting if you want to get married or have kids.  These are foundational core questions to assessing if this person is even worth dating ifyou don’t agree on these things

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roseears Member

roseears

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Posted
7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

OR, his (and her) intentions were a ONS but then afterwards realized they both wanted more.

I had a ONS with my long term ex; HE had just gotten out of a RL and was not looking for another when this happened.  

I had no expectations either way.

He contacted me the following day and we were together six YEARS after that night.

Generally speaking, get rid of black and white thinking.  It's literally impossible to predict anything!  

Use your best judgment and do what you're comfortable doing.   Lower expections and allow the universe to lead the way (i.e let chips fall where they may).

OP, his disrespectful behaviour was not your fault.  For anyone to suggest it was comes very close to, or is, slut shaming. 

That said, you helped in setting the tone but his crap behavior was all on him.  

Thank you. I think he was thinking very black and white and already had his intentions before meeting and after they were the same.

If we hadn’t hooked up his behaviour would probably have been the same.

 

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