Is sex all he is after?

[roseears]

51 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Sure, there will always be the exception.  Did they meet online?  Did he bombard her with sex talk?  

My advice remains the same.  He's not treating you like anything special.

They did meet online, I don't know if there was sex talk before they meet or afterwards. They just got along well I guess.

[roseears]

17 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

At worst he's a sex-obsessed bore with zero respect for you, at best he's socially inept. Either way it's not looking good.   

Good point. When we were having dinner he said he wants to take me to have dinner again at a sushi restaurant he really likes. But the last few days he never mentioned the dinner again. And today he was really pushing to see me to have sex, again no mention of dinner. That is why I came here to ask this question.

Edited November 30, 2020 by roseears

[smackie9]

OK whoa it down.....have you kindly told him that even tho you think he's hot, and things got a little sizzlin that night, you still want to wait on the sex and get to know him more. maybe throw in an apology for setting the tone for sex too soon....if it goes dead silent then the cat is out of the bag and he's just looking to hook up. Wouldn't hurt to just be frank with him.

[kismetkismet]

It definitely sounds like all he's after is sex. Even if he's not he's not, then (like ms jayne said) he is a socially inept bore. I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

Also this is not on you for making out with him on the first date. A guy that really wants to get to know you will still want to get to know you when sex is on the table. You can do both at the same time... 

 

[roseears]

17 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK whoa it down.....have you kindly told him that even tho you think he's hot, and things got a little sizzlin that night, you still want to wait on the sex and get to know him more. maybe throw in an apology for setting the tone for sex too soon....if it goes dead silent then the cat is out of the bag and he's just looking to hook up. Wouldn't hurt to just be frank with him.

I have not, but am going to. Last time we spoke was this morning when I said no to meet today for sex and he has been silent since.

Not even sure if he is messaging again, but if he does and again with the sex talk, I’ll just say that things got a bit too intense the first time we saw each other and yes we did have sex talk but that doesn’t mean that’s all I am looking for.

That I tried to talk about other subjects but noticed that he diverted the conversation again to sex, so that leads me to think we are not on the same page. My guess is that he’ll say that’s not all he wants but will ghost me after. Better that way.

Edited November 30, 2020 by roseears

[roseears]

7 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

It definitely sounds like all he's after is sex. Even if he's not he's not, then (like ms jayne said) he is a socially inept bore. I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

Also this is not on you for making out with him on the first date. A guy that really wants to get to know you will still want to get to know you when sex is on the table. You can do both at the same time... 

 

Exactly. We can do both at the same time. But his refusal to talk about subjects other than sex makes me think he doesn’t give a shyt to know me.

[SumGuy]

4 minutes ago, roseears said:

.... My guess is that he’ll say that’s not all he wants but will ghost me after....

Of course  especially if that is all he wants. 

Or he may just want sex first and foremost.   Nothing wrong with wanting sex, what is he offering though?...and I mean that in a connection, non-sexual interaction sense...sounds like nothing else.

[roseears]

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

Of course  especially if that is all he wants. 

Or he may just want sex first and foremost.   Nothing wrong with wanting sex, what is he offering though?...and I mean that in a connection, non-sexual interaction sense...sounds like nothing else.

Nothing.

[Andy_K]

1 hour ago, roseears said:

Thank you.

To me that also was not a sign or green light to casual sex. To me what happened on that first date was just two people attracted to each other. Nothing else. 

He did say to me when we started talking he was looking for something serious and meaningful. But now all the sex talk afterwards makes me think all he wants is just sex.

I did try to change the subject, ask about other things, etc, but the just didn't respond much and would divert the conversation again to sex. Yes that is a bit arrogant and makes me feel like I am a sexual object that doesn't deserve any other type of conversation whatsoever.

Some things you need to understand:

1) When things get physical or escalate towards sex, it might feel like it 'just happened' for you, but that's not how it is for him. If sex is on his mind, he's constantly looking for when/where the next step will be and how to facilitate that. Do you think it was by chance you ended up at his place? 

2) If he diverts your normal conversations towards sex, this tells you he doesn't really care what you want to talk about and his focused on his own goals. Even in the unlikely event he does want a relationship and not just sex, he's clearly more concerned with his own feelings than yours, and that makes him a terrible choice.

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy early on, but this is not the guy to do it with, and if you can't see why then you shouldn't be sleeping with anyone early on.

 

[roseears]

4 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

Some things you need to understand:

1) When things get physical or escalate towards sex, it might feel like it 'just happened' for you, but that's not how it is for him. If sex is on his mind, he's constantly looking for when/where the next step will be and how to facilitate that. Do you think it was by chance you ended up at his place? 

2) If he diverts your normal conversations towards sex, this tells you he doesn't really care what you want to talk about and his focused on his own goals. Even in the unlikely event he does want a relationship and not just sex, he's clearly more concerned with his own feelings than yours, and that makes him a terrible choice.

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy early on, but this is not the guy to do it with, and if you can't see why then you shouldn't be sleeping with anyone early on.

 

I know that. The sexual innuendos before we met was ‘setting the stage’ for it to happen.

Yes, it was him diverting the normal conversations into sex talk that got me thinking this guy only wants one thing only. Because even in a fwb situation people still have normal conversations!

It started to make me feel like I work in a sex chat line service or something! Rude to say the least diverting my attempts of normal conversation into sex talk all the time.

Yes of course I can see that. And that was also a lesson learned in taking sexual innuendos before we meet as a red flag.

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, roseears said:

 

 

It started to make me feel like I work in a sex chat line service or something! Rude to say the least diverting my attempts of normal conversation into sex talk all the time.

Yes of course I can see that. And that was also a lesson learned in taking sexual innuendos before we meet as a red flag.

This should be a deal breaker...not worth waiting for that text from him.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, roseears said:

. But his refusal to talk about subjects other than sex makes me think he doesn’t give a shyt to know me.

Trust your instincts on this one.

[roseears]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trust your instincts on this one.

I will. I won't message him anymore, and if he messages me I respond to normal conversation but as soon as the sex talk starts, I'll not respond anymore.

Just deciding now if I'll just not respond and ignore until he takes the hint and stops communicating, or if I just be honest and say how I feel. Either way, I feel the result is gonna be the same, we'll stop communicating.

I feel he is probably doing the same with multiple women. During our dinner date there were several things about me he didn't know, like the location where I live! Also, before we met in person we found out we were on holidays in the same hotel resort at the same time during the summer, I sent him a photo of my dog in one of the swimming pools which is the funniest thing ever, and during our dinner date he didn't remember I have a dog! lol

I'm thinking he doesn't even deserve my honesty and I'll just go radio silence.

[d0nnivain]

He definitely wants sex.  It might not be all he wants but it's a huge part of what he does want.  

Your plan to not respond when the conversation turns to sex will not work.  When you turn the conversations to other subjects, because he turns it back to sex, it's not going to pick up on the subtlety of you not responding.  

You need to address this head on. When he turns the subject to sex, call him on it.  Tell him it seems like that is all he is interested in & all he wants to talk about.  Tell him that while you had fun on the date you need balance in the relationship & there has to be more then just physical.  See what he  says / how he reacts.  

[roseears]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He definitely wants sex.  It might not be all he wants but it's a huge part of what he does want.  

Your plan to not respond when the conversation turns to sex will not work.  When you turn the conversations to other subjects, because he turns it back to sex, it's not going to pick up on the subtlety of you not responding.  

You need to address this head on. When he turns the subject to sex, call him on it.  Tell him it seems like that is all he is interested in & all he wants to talk about.  Tell him that while you had fun on the date you need balance in the relationship & there has to be more then just physical.  See what he  says / how he reacts.  

Yes I understand and you are right. I need to communicate directly. That is the right thing to do regardless on how he responds. He sent me a good morning text today and asked how I am, I responded and he said nothing more. But if he comes back with sex talk I'll do that. It will probably be our last conversation, but needs to be done. Thank you.

Edited December 1, 2020 by roseears

[Fletch Lives]

This objection comes every week here from women. One of the biggest problems in dating is men moving too fast and talking too soon and too much about sex.

[roseears]

30 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

This objection comes every week here from women. One of the biggest problems in dating is men moving too fast and talking too soon and too much about sex.

In my case, my concern is not him moving too fast or too soon, because we did get involved in our first date and with my consent, so I take full responsibility for it. My concern is him only talking about sex all the time after that first date.

Edited December 1, 2020 by roseears

[Fletch Lives]

Yup. It's hard to find a gentleman these days.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, roseears said:

 It will probably be our last conversation, but needs to be done. Thank you.

You are welcome but if you like him, maybe just maybe he will curtail the sex talk.  I'll keep my fingers crossed but I'm not super optimistic.  

[roseears]

2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Yup. It's hard to find a gentleman these days.

Well, as I said before in a previous post, his sexual innuendos before we met should have been a red flag to me. I don't think a gentlemen does that.

[roseears]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are welcome but if you like him, maybe just maybe he will curtail the sex talk.  I'll keep my fingers crossed but I'm not super optimistic.  

I did like him on our date, but his behaviour afterwards (only talking about sex and diverting the conversation to sex when I tried to talk about other things), made me see him in a different light and I'm not very keen on him anymore to be honest. But if he keeps with the sex talk I'll have that conversation, I believe honesty is the best policy.

Edited December 1, 2020 by roseears

[poppyfields]

21 hours ago, roseears said:

My question here was that for me, although we got all steamy in our first date, doesn't mean I just want sex. My question is, is that all he wants and nothing else? It seems like it then.

Who the hell knows.  The only way to know if sex is "all" he wants is to have sex and if he sticks around afterwards and dates you properly, then he wants more at least at that point in time.

If he bolts afterwards, then chances are sex is all he was after.

Let's face it, when men are attracted they want sex!  That's the first goal for most men.  There are exceptions, but for many, that's the first goal.

I agree you set the tone.  So now it's up to you to dial it back.  No more sex talk!  Until you're ready to have sex.

Set boundaries.  If he's not up to the challenge, dump him. 

Easy peasy.

Edited December 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[roseears]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Who the hell knows.  The only way to know if sex is "all" he wants is to have sex and if he sticks around afterwards and dates you properly, then he wants more at least at that point in time.

If he bolts afterwards, then chances are sex is all he was after.

Let's face it, when men are attracted they want sex!  That's the first goal for most men.  There are exceptions, but for many, that's the first goal.

I agree you set the tone.  So now it's up to you to dial it back.  No more sex talk!  Until you're ready to have sex.

Set boundaries.  If he's not up to the challenge, dump him. 

Easy peasy.

Well of course I am not going to have sex with him just to see if he sticks around! That is manipulative and sketchy. And dangerous. If I decided to have sex it would be for the pleasure of it, nothing else.

So having said that, I prefer to understand things clearly BEFORE the sex. 

I think the absence of any other conversations beyond sex makes it really clear.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, roseears said:

Well of course I am not going to have sex with him just to see if he sticks around! That is manipulative and sketchy. And dangerous. If I decided to have sex it would be for the pleasure of it, nothing else.

So having said that, I prefer to understand things clearly BEFORE the sex. 

Bolded- I never said that. Or even suggested it.  OR advised it. You missed the entire premise of my post. 

Fact is, you won't know if sex is all he wants until you have sex and he either sticks around afterwards or not.  I was not suggesting you do it to see if that hapoens. 

Wait as long as you like.  Dial back the sex talk.  If he sticks around after fabulous!  Assuming you want him to.  If not, so be.  It happens.

I have a friend who dated her boyfriend six months before having sex and he bolted after. 

No guarantees, ever!!

Edited December 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[roseears]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded- I never said that. Or even suggested it.  OR advised it. You missed the entire premise of my post. 

Fact is, you won't know if sex is all he wants until you have sex and he either sticks around afterwards or not.  I was not suggesting you do it to see if that hapoens. 

Wait as long as you like.  Dial back the sex talk.  If he sticks around after fabulous!  Assuming you want him to.  If not, so be.  It happens.

I have a friend who dated her boyfriend six months before having sex and he bolted after. 

No guarantees, ever!!

Sorry I misread your post! Got it now!

But no I am not having sex with him. I need to have a connection in order to do that (mentally, emotionally, etc), and I felt it before we met, but not feeling it anymore.

In regards to your friend could it be that the sex was really bad, or the relationship was already having issues?