Is sex all he is after?

[roseears]

I met this guy on OLD, we seemed to have a lot in common and conversation was flowing easily. We talked on the phone as well and we could feel attracted to each other. He did make some sexual innuendos but nothing "heavy".

So he invited me for dinner last week. All went really well, we then went to a bar for a drink afterwards and ended up at his place hooking up. We had a steamy session but didn't have sex and I went home.

Now since then all he talks about is sex. I engaged in those conversations in the beginning as I found him really hot, but now am a bit fed up of it and miss the conversations we used to have before, about our days, what we like, what we are up to, etc.

Now every time he messages me is always sex related: I want to do this to you, I'm gonna take a shower and think about you, I want to sleep with you all night, etc.

I mean, I am attracted to him too, but is this all there is? I am not looking for a hook-up, casual sex or fwb thing. I am looking for a relationship. 

So, because his conversation is only about sex now, does that mean is all he wants? Or is he just anxious to have proper sex since we didn't go all the way last time?  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with him if he just wants sex, but I just want to understand what's going on. Thank you!

Edited November 30, 2020 by roseears

[Calmandfocused]

Unfortunately you hold 50% responsibility  for setting the tone here. 
 

You got all hot and steamy on the first date. He thinks you’re ripe and ready for it. Why would he think any differently? 

[Giovane]

42 minutes ago, roseears said:

So, because his conversation is only about sex now, does that mean is all he wants?

I think it is.

[Wiseman2]

Well, it's on his mind. Slow down on the sexting and ignore  it, reply with regular topics. . Do you want to see him again? 

Edited November 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

You lit the flame. It's on you to control how hot it burns.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's clearly just after sex. If he really liked you for something more, he wouldn't risk putting you off with all the sex talk. Your big clue that he just wanted sex was the sexual innuendos before you even met. A serious guy who's interested in you for more than sex doesn't do that. When online dating, I immediately block and delete any guy who even hints about sex - saves a whole lot of wasted time and energy.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Your words and actions have led him to believe this is okay. It's too late to try to put the genie back in the bottle, so your best bet is to cut him loose. Next time, don't lead the man into thinking you want something casual when you don't.

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Your words and actions have led him to believe this is okay. It's too late to try to put the genie back in the bottle, so your best bet is to cut him loose. Next time, don't lead the man into thinking you want something casual when you don't.

I agree. 
 

You gave him the green light. 
 

You can’t blame a man for trying. 
 

Especially when he’s been given the impression it’s exactly what you want. 

[roseears]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I agree. 
 

You gave him the green light. 
 

You can’t blame a man for trying. 
 

Especially when he’s been given the impression it’s exactly what you want. 

I am not blaming anyone! Certainly not blaming him. I was there too! Of course I am 50% responsible for it. 

My question here was that for me, although we got all steamy in our first date, doesn't mean I just want sex. My question is, is that all he wants and nothing else? It seems like it then.

[stillafool]

When all a man talks about is sex that is all he's interested in.  Most men know they will eventually get it if they hang in there long enough.  A guy who wants more that sex will be interested in finding out about you as a person and then get the sex.  This one only wants sex and is making it clear.

[ShyViolet]

Yes, I think all he wants is sex.  By talking about nothing but sex he is making it clear to you that he doesn't care about any other aspect of a relationship with you.  He's not getting to know you as a person.

[Ami1uwant]

38 minutes ago, roseears said:

I am not blaming anyone! Certainly not blaming him. I was there too! Of course I am 50% responsible for it. 

My question here was that for me, although we got all steamy in our first date, doesn't mean I just want sex. My question is, is that all he wants and nothing else? It seems like it then.

he wants to nibble on your rose ears...

 

he wants to have sex with you.  I don’t know enough about him to read if he wants to just notch his belt.

[Giovane]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He's clearly just after sex. If he really liked you for something more, he wouldn't risk putting you off with all the sex talk.

This! If I'm serious about a woman, I'll talk about any topic but sex (unless she brings it up) because I don't want to put her off. If sex is not all that's on my mind, I don't want to give her the impression like it is.

[Emilyinroses]

It’s not that he just wants sex with you.

It’s that he doesn’t want anything else with you beyond sex.

If you are looking for a relationship this is not the guy. You are already fed up and missing all other things of a connection.

So unless you want just some casual sex fun, stop talking to him. Go meet and talk to other guys.

Edited November 30, 2020 by Emilyinroses

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, roseears said:

We talked on the phone as well and we could feel attracted to each other.

you felt attracted to him: he felt attracted to the idea of sex with you.

I think you were assigning what was going on in your head to him, too, as if they were the same thought.

As you can see, they weren't.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, roseears said:

My question here was that for me, although we got all steamy in our first date, doesn't mean I just want sex. My question is, is that all he wants and nothing else? It seems like it then.

He wants to pick it up where you left off. Your fear is a  hit it and quit it situation, because of the emphasis is on all the sex chat?

[notbroken]

Tell him you want more than that and want to be patient.  His actions after that will tell you everything. 

 

[SumGuy]

All he wants?  Not sure, most likely, but certainly fixated on it and acting very thirsty and/or arrogant.   

I will break with the pack and say you did nothing that would suggest this is a green light to be all about and only about sex.  That smacks of the age old blame the women for why men can't control themselves (women's sexuality being so powerful I guess, the seat of evil, etc. etc....take a few more steps and the inquiry will be about what you were wearing). 

So you made out after a really fun date...so f*ing what.   I don't care if you got to third base.  A man (not a boy) with any sense of women and sex will not take this as some green light to be all about the sexual innuendo.  If he had any sense he would keep with what got you to like him, the non-sex conversation, bringing out the sleaze parade isn't going to help.

If I was a woman, I would take this as a yellow flag.   He clearly is not picking up on your vibe or text communication and adjusting.  He is not really seeing or hearing you, he is just fantasizing about sex with you, he sees his fantasy not you.

Given that you say he is attractive, that would make me think he has no problems getting dates, and thus I would take this as a bad sign, as a sign of arrogance and not just thirst.  So I do think your fear he is just wham, bam thank you mam is legitimate.

[roseears]

 

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

you felt attracted to him: he felt attracted to the idea of sex with you.

I think you were assigning what was going on in your head to him, too, as if they were the same thought.

As you can see, they weren't.

Well, when we started talking online he said he was looking for something meaningful and more serious, that he used to have casual things and was fed up of it so he has been alone for many months until he finds the right person.

If that was serious or BS I don't know. But that's what he told me. So that is why now I am confused.

[Allupinnit]

Yes he wants to seal the deal.  You talked about sex beforehand and ended up at his place to play on the first date.  Don't go to a man's house on the first date if you want more than an eff buddy.  If he's hot he's doing this to lots of women.

[roseears]

5 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

All he wants?  Not sure, most likely, but certainly fixated on it and acting very thirsty and/or arrogant.   

I will break with the pack and say you did nothing that would suggest this is a green light to be all about and only about sex.  That smacks of the age old blame the women for why men can't control themselves (women's sexuality being so powerful I guess, the seat of evil, etc. etc....take a few more steps and the inquiry will be about what you were wearing). 

So you made out after a really fun date...so f*ing what.   I don't care if you got to third base.  A man (not a boy) with any sense of women and sex will not take this as some green light to be all about the sexual innuendo.  If he had any sense he would keep with what got you to like him, the non-sex conversation, bringing out the sleaze parade isn't going to help.

If I was a woman, I would take this as a yellow flag.   He clearly is not picking up on your vibe or text communication and adjusting.  He is not really seeing or hearing you, he is just fantasizing about sex with you, he sees his fantasy not you.

Given that you say he is attractive, that would make me think he has no problems getting dates, and thus I would take this as a bad sign, as a sign of arrogance and not just thirst.  So I do think your fear he is just wham, bam thank you mam is legitimate.

Thank you.

To me that also was not a sign or green light to casual sex. To me what happened on that first date was just two people attracted to each other. Nothing else. 

He did say to me when we started talking he was looking for something serious and meaningful. But now all the sex talk afterwards makes me think all he wants is just sex.

I did try to change the subject, ask about other things, etc, but the just didn't respond much and would divert the conversation again to sex. Yes that is a bit arrogant and makes me feel like I am a sexual object that doesn't deserve any other type of conversation whatsoever.

Edited November 30, 2020 by roseears

[roseears]

27 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Tell him you want more than that and want to be patient.  His actions after that will tell you everything. 

 

Yes will do that. I am fed up of the sex messages he sends me.

It's either that or just deleting his number, but since I am not up for ghosting, I prefer to be honest. Even if he is the one ghosting me afterwards.

[roseears]

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Yes he wants to seal the deal.  You talked about sex beforehand and ended up at his place to play on the first date.  Don't go to a man's house on the first date if you want more than an eff buddy.  If he's hot he's doing this to lots of women.

My best friend ended up marrying her ONS. So not all situations are the same.

[Allupinnit]

2 minutes ago, roseears said:

My best friend ended up marrying her ONS. So not all situations are the same.

Sure, there will always be the exception.  Did they meet online?  Did he bombard her with sex talk?  

My advice remains the same.  He's not treating you like anything special.

[MsJayne]

At worst he's a sex-obsessed bore with zero respect for you, at best he's socially inept. Either way it's not looking good.