First Date Ended Early Because of Emergency!

[kiwistwbry]

Thank you to everyone for any positive and supportive feedback that was given along the way. I have learned a great deal from this experience. Onward and upward!

[ShakeShake]

22 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Why not continue a friendship with a guy even if it didn’t work out romantically?

Because he doesn't want to be your friend.

'Let me go on a dating app to meet a woman I'm not attracted to, don't want to spend time on a date with, don't want to contact or communicate with, and become friends with her' said no man ever.

Good you are dating others and are moving on, just don't be so desperate and contact this one again.

[Saracena]

6 hours ago, ShakeShake said:

 

'Let me go on a dating app to meet a woman I'm not attracted to, don't want to spend time on a date with, don't want to contact or communicate with, and become friends with her' said no man ever.

 

Exactly what I was going to say.

In addition OP in situations like this when trying to assess interest and whether or not you should contact the other person, it can be useful to reflect on instances where you, yourself were being pursued by someone   you weren't interested in/had ended things with and how you viewed their behaviour, level of contact etc and how deal with it. By reversing these situations, in help to clarify things more,

[clia]

17 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Wow, y’all are thinking way too far ahead in this. He mentioned being just friends and I went with it. Whether he said maybe or was enthusiastic with the idea doesn’t matter. If when I reach out again in a few weeks he still declines getting together as friends then I’ll wish him all the best and be done with it. I won’t feel like my image has been tainted whatsoever by doing that. And in the meantime I would’ve continued going out with other guys to try and find a suitable match. 

I've been where you are -- falling all over myself to make excuses for why a guy didn't contact me and to justify why I should contact him.  Telling myself that I was contacting him for *reasons*, when really I was hoping and praying he would throw me a bone of interest.  The reality -- and what I've learned after years of doing all of that to myself -- is that it's not so complicated.  Men who want to see you contact you and plan dates with you.  They don't leave you waiting and wondering -- especially in this day and age where everyone has a cell phone connected to their hip.  Men who want to be friends reach out to you and make plans.  Please think long and hard about his response to your text.  He wasn't interested in you, and that's why you didn't hear from him.  He said you could be friends because...well, that's what people say, even when they don't mean it.  It's a nice way to let someone down.  (I'm not saying that it never, ever happens, but it is not the norm at all.  Do you think he was going to contact you to "be friends"?  No, he wasn't.)  I implore you to delete his number and move on.  You do not need to contact him in a few weeks to "be friends."  Honestly, it's cringey.  And I say that as someone who has done it in the past.   

[clia]

Just now, clia said:

I've been where you are -- falling all over myself to make excuses for why a guy didn't contact me and to justify why I should contact him.  Telling myself that I was contacting him for *reasons*, when really I was hoping and praying he would throw me a bone of interest.  The reality -- and what I've learned after years of doing all of that to myself -- is that it's not so complicated.  Men who want to see you contact you and plan dates with you.  They don't leave you waiting and wondering -- especially in this day and age where everyone has a cell phone connected to their hip.  Men who want to be friends reach out to you and make plans.  Please think long and hard about his response to your text.  He wasn't interested in you, and that's why you didn't hear from him.  He said you could be friends because...well, that's what people say, even when they don't mean it.  It's a nice way to let someone down.  And most people understand that the underlying message is....please don't contact me again.  (I'm not saying that it never, ever happens, but it is not the norm at all.  Do you think he was going to contact you to "be friends"?  No, he wasn't.)  I implore you to delete his number and move on.  You do not need to contact him in a few weeks to "be friends."  Honestly, it's cringey.  And I say that as someone who has done it in the past.   

 

[clia]

I have no idea why that posted twice.  Sorry.

[kiwistwbry]

Interesting discovery I made just out of curiosity. So I googled “being friends with someone from dating app” and a bunch of stories came up where it didn’t work out romantically, and to both their surprise, became friends instead. Thought it was worth sharing! : )

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Interesting discovery I made just out of curiosity. So I googled “being friends with someone from dating app” and a bunch of stories came up where it didn’t work out romantically, and to both their surprise, became friends instead. Thought it was worth sharing! : )

When it's mutual, it can work.  Here, you were interested, he was not.  He rejected you romantically and now have convinced yourself you're cool with a friendship.

Not to mention, the guy created a totally elaborate fake excuse to cut the meet short, showing you fake texts, etc., I know of no person with even a shred of self-respect who would agree to a friendship after being the recipient of such a deception.  

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

When it's mutual, it can work.  Here, you were interested, he was not.  He rejected you romantically and now have convinced yourself you're cool with a friendship.

Not to mention, the guy created a totally elaborate fake excuse to cut the meet short, showing you fake texts, etc., I know of no person with even a shred of self-respect who would agree to a friendship after being the recipient of such a deception.  

 

“All negativity is an illusion created by the limited mind to protect and defend itself.” 
– Ambika Wauters

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

“All negativity is an illusion created by the limited mind to protect and defend itself.” 
– Ambika Wauters

"Denial" is used for the same purpose - to protect and defend yourself from hurt, pain, disappointment, rejection; you are not yet emotionally ready to accept the reality of the situation so you create a false reality (denial) to avoid having to face that truth.

It's important to be real with yourself and any situation you find yourself in, otherwise you risk being used and exploited by others for their own selfish purposes.

If being REAL sometimes results in being negative, so be.

Here, I highly doubt he wants a friendship.  If he did, he would have been honest on the meet and told you he was not "feeling it" and proposed you be friends versus creating this elaborate (and frankly insulting) story about a suicidal friend. 

Not sure how much experience you have, but the friendship card is often used when faced with the unpleasant task of rejecting someone, and letting them down gently.  

I have often pulled this card myself, it was total BS, I knew it and they knew it.

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

11 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

“All negativity is an illusion created by the limited mind to protect and defend itself.” 
– Ambika Wauters

There is no greater injury to the self than an over inflated ego that refuses to see the truth presented to them. 

Calm and Focused  2020
 

 

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

Interesting discovery I made just out of curiosity. So I googled “being friends with someone from dating app” and a bunch of stories came up where it didn’t work out romantically, and to both their surprise, became friends instead. Thought it was worth sharing! : )

This really feels like you're "reaching" to justify why you keep trying to start something, anything with thus guy. He is NOT interested in you. Not in dating you (bogus suicidal friend excuse and resounding silence after the date) and not interested in being friends (no followup, wishy washy "friends" speech letting you down easy). You're making a fool of yourself. You should go find friends and dates who are interested in those things with you. This guy isn't. Why can't you just let this go? Can't you see HE is not interested in keeping in touch with you?

Edited December 7, 2020 by Crazelnut

[Miss Spider]

Is the logical gymnastics helping you? .  

31 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

“All negativity is an illusion created by the limited mind to protect and defend itself.” 
– Ambika Wauters

Also, I see very little consideration of him or what he might be feeling through all of  this. He could be conflict avoidant enough to make elaborate excuses to leave the date. It makes sense why he would offer the sentiment of friendship in his rejection. That does not mean that he necessarily really wants to and for you to continue to push that would be failing to “read” this social situation in its entirety. Obviously, if he is not reaching out to you and making efforts to be your friend, then that should tell you what you need to know

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[kiwistwbry]

So called mind reading and future prediction capabilities based on what has been claimed to be facts from this entire situation just to prove a point. To each his own. 

My original thread was to ask if I should contact a guy after what happened after a first date and if so, what to say. Then I gave an update to conclude what happened after I did that. 

What transpired was a lot of negativity, hence my summary quote. Take care all.

Edited December 7, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Miss Spider]

I don’t understand why you would ask anyone if and how to contact the guy, if according to you, all opinions or advice regarding this very common social situation (that we see play out to its conclusion all the time) depend on “mind reading and future prediction capabilities”? You might as well just block out all negativity, ignore all social etiquette, and shoot texts and phone calls about whatever pops in your mind whenever you feel like it. Negativity is an illusion right?
 

 

[poppyfields]

It's not so-called "mind reading," it's basic common sense and having the ability to read and perceive people and situations accurately.

But agree, unfortunately much of life can be quite negative.  Again, it's important to be real and face those harsh realities.  

Avoiding, denying for the purpose of avoiding the harsh realities of life serves no good purpose.  

However if you prefer avoiding versus facing and accepting, good luck with that.

You take care too. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

if according to you, all opinions or advice
 

Not all  

16 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Thank you to everyone for any positive and supportive feedback that was given along the way. I have learned a great deal from this experience. Onward and upward!

[Miss Spider]

So basically, not so much interested in the advice backed by evidence as much as hearing the cherry picked advice that you like. Okie doke. 

[poppyfields]

>> I have learned a great deal from this...

Excellent!  It's important to learn from our experiences both positive and negative!

Just out of curiosity, what have you learned?   And how will you take what you've learned to create more positive experiences for yourself going forward? 

Edited December 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's not "mind reading," it's basic common sense and having the ability to read and perceive people and situations accurately.

But agree, unfortunately much of life can be quite negative.  Again, it's important to be real and face those harsh realities.  

Avoiding, denying for the purpose of avoiding the harsh realities of life serves no good purpose.  

However if you prefer avoiding versus facing and accepting, good luck with that.

You take care too. 

Thank you for proving my point.

Edited December 7, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[kiwistwbry]

10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

So basically, not so much interested in the advice backed by evidence as much as hearing the cherry picked advice that you like. Okie doke. 

Guess I should clarify: all sound advice

[kiwistwbry]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

>> I have learned a great deal from this...

Excellent!  It's important to learn from our experiences both positive and negative!

Just out of curiosity, what have you learned?   And how will you take what you've learned to create more positive experiences for yourself going forward? 

Just re-read this thread and you will know.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Thank you for proving my point.

Do you have a habit of denying and burying certain emotions, and spinning situations to serve your own agenda?

Rhetorical question no need to respond to us only to yourself.

Because the amount of energy you have expended on this thread denying and essentially defending the deplorable actions of this guy; I am referring to his creation of this elaborate lie (which you still appear to believe) literally boggles my mind!

You had one brief meet for goodness sakes, what "story" are you telling yourself that justifies this obsession you appear to have developed?

Again, rhetorical no need to answer to us dear. Good luck.

[poppyfields]

Just now, kiwistwbry said:

Just re-read this thread and you will know.

LOL, I already knew before I posted it.

You need to learn to read people better!  

[Miss Spider]

Must be convenient to be able to change the meaning of words like ‘sound’ by adding words like “positive” and “supportive” to its definition.

All the best, nevertheless. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes