First Date Ended Early Because of Emergency!

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Maybe he thinks I wouldn’t be interested anymore. That I wouldn’t be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. That I would be portraying him as a terrible person or some kind of liar. Maybe the situation didn’t end well for his friend or Eric went all the way down there, wasn’t able to get in, and still doesn’t know what’s going on. The list goes on. I guess I don’t see why this all matters? Point is he seemed interested on the date, ended it due to a serious emergency, then didn’t follow up. That’s where giving him the benefit of the doubt comes into play.

Ok.  Good luck and please let us know what happens.   I think we all or most have become pretty invested in the outcome.

I know I am.  Hope it works out! 

 

[Crazelnut]

I think it's pretty clear. You went on 1 date, and you don't want to date him again (smart decision, by the way). So you simply ... do nothing. No reaching out, no following up. That's how dating works.  (And even if you were interested, the ball is in his court. HE cut the date short. HE suggested another crack at it. It is incumbent upon HIM to reach out & set another date.) Don't muddy the water by checking on him. 

All that aside, he is exhibiting disturbing behavior for an addict. And girl, he has too much baggage & drama in the ex-wife. The mother of his kid is a mess of a junkie. No matter how much you think that wouldn't affect you,  it would. Junkies are unreliable, selfish, usually broke, and make bad co-parents. It would affect you. I'm sure he's a charming guy, but in the long run, he would be a LOT of work. 

Just leave it alone.

[kiwistwbry]

4 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I think it's pretty clear. You went on 1 date, and you don't want to date him again (smart decision, by the way). So you simply ... do nothing. No reaching out, no following up. That's how dating works.  (And even if you were interested, the ball is in his court. HE cut the date short. HE suggested another crack at it. It is incumbent upon HIM to reach out & set another date.) Don't muddy the water by checking on him. 

All that aside, he is exhibiting disturbing behavior for an addict. And girl, he has too much baggage & drama in the ex-wife. The mother of his kid is a mess of a junkie. No matter how much you think that wouldn't affect you,  it would. Junkies are unreliable, selfish, usually broke, and make bad co-parents. It would affect you. I'm sure he's a charming guy, but in the long run, he would be a LOT of work. 

Just leave it alone.

You could very well be right. I definitely haven’t discredited these possibilities. Hence the innocent until proven guilty approach, and I think that could be determined fairly early on.

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[ThereSheGoes]

The sheer fact that it's been two days since the date and he hasn't contacted you, is enough proof on its own that he's not interested. Lets say everything went as it did, but take out the emergency. It has been two days. Would you still think he was in to you? Or would you move on?

Girl, lord knows, I completely understand; dating sucks. It feels like you are in a never ending cycle of interviews and when you finally meet someone that you click with, you just want it to work SO BAD. But they have these questionable things about them, that you tell yourself you can deal with, but they're real issues. But you have to be strong and assertive enough to know that you deserve better. You sound like you are in a stable place in your life. Why upset that with someone who is dragging chaos in his wake? I've made some god-awful decisions about men as well, and all it has left me with is a gross feeling of feeling used and taken advantage of. Just, SO MUCH regret.

Don't text him.

Don't say anything.

If he wants you, he has your number. Let him come to you, if he so decides to. Otherwise....you'll look kinda needy, and there's nothing worse than texting someone and realizing they've blocked you.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

 

Ami1uwant there's a difference between a real emergency and a fake one. With OLD, fake emergencies are the norm. I'm sure you've been on the receiving end of an abruptly ended date due to what turned out to be a "fake" emergency. 

 

No.....you don’t know ehatisreal and what is fake.  
 

you can make judgement based on other actions like this came up 15 minutes into the date is likrly fake.  Thrm having a few hrs then needing to cut it short  is different.  
 

if they are interested in you, they will contact you about another date.

 

same is true with per date canceling...especially if theyhave a young kid where they come home sick or sitter doesn’t show up.  Ifthey are blowing you off they likely aren’t communicating with you.if they are interested they will.

 

 

[smackie9]

Just my experience but any guy that was interested in me didn't leave me hanging a few+ days, it was either he asked me at the end of the date to see me again or another date invite the following day.

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Just my experience but any guy that was interested in me didn't leave me hanging a few+ days, it was either he asked me at the end of the date to see me again or another date invite the following day.

That's been my experience as well. Any guy I dated in my OLD days who wanted to continue dating after the first date never left me hanging. I usually had dates 2,3,4 set up by the end of each previous date. By day two if I hadn't heard from the OLD guy, I knew he wasn't interested and I was right each time. Guys who are interested in you, contact you no matter what. 

Kiwi, if he really wanted to ask you out again, he already would have despite his so-called emergency suicidal friend situation. If that had really happened, and he really wanted to see you for a second date, he would have already called you by now, updated you on his friend, and asked you out again. There's no in-between here. It's just that simple. 

[poppyfields]

As I was walking home tonight, I got to thinking about this "benefit of the doubt" you want to give him.

In this case, this is how I might be inclined to give him the benefit of doubt versus a straight NEXT.

Since HE told you he would contact you, I would allow him the space and time to do just that.  If/when he did, I would then ask him how he and his friend are doing.  

I'd allow him the opportunity to invite me out, with a proposed date, and graciously accept his invite.  

I would not beat him to his own punch by reaching out first.  By doing so, you are essentially chasing him and no matter how kind and caring YOU think it is, to HIM you will appear needy and a bit desperate.

In his mind you had one coffee meet.  No one is this altruistic after one coffee meet.   I mean, he's not even a friend at this point so HE is going to interpret this gesture as disingenuous, phony.  Trying too hard. Needy.  

Kiwi, it's important to be cognizant of how others view your actions.  You may have the kindest and most noble of intentions but again after one coffee, this is not how he or most will interpret it.

Best to respect his boundaries and allow him the space and time to reach out, like he said he would.   If he is interested he will.

THAT is what giving him the benefit of the doubt looks like to me.

Edited December 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

13 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

That's been my experience as well. Any guy I dated in my OLD days who wanted to continue dating after the first date never left me hanging. I usually had dates 2,3,4 set up by the end of each previous date. By day two if I hadn't heard from the OLD guy, I knew he wasn't interested and I was right each time. Guys who are interested in you, contact you no matter what. 

Kiwi, if he really wanted to ask you out again, he already would have despite his so-called emergency suicidal friend situation. If that had really happened, and he really wanted to see you for a second date, he would have already called you by now, updated you on his friend, and asked you out again. There's no in-between here. It's just that simple. 

But that’s the problem with many of these replies from several people. It’s still being labeled as a “so-called” emergency. And why? Because he used to be an addict. Seems pretty unfair to me.

This kind of situation might seem off the wall to most but to him perhaps it’s every day life. Could prove why he’s not dating material. But I don’t think it’s right to paint him out to be this conniving person because he once had a past. I took what he told me as truth, even more so because he told me things about himself that would turn many potential dates off, and I really don’t see why I should do any different up until this point.

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[kiwistwbry]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

As I was walking home tonight, I got to thinking about this "benefit of the doubt" you want to give him.

In this case, this is how I might be inclined to give him the benefit of doubt versus a straight NEXT.

Since HE told you he would contact you, I would allow him the space and time to do just that.  If/when he did, I would then ask him how he and his friend are doing.  

I'd allow him the opportunity to invite me out, with a proposed date, and graciously accept his invite.  

I would not beat him to his own punch by reaching out first.  By doing so, you are essentially chasing him and no matter how kind and caring YOU think it is, to HIM you will appear needy and a bit desperate.

In his mind you had one coffee meet.  No one is this altruistic after one coffee meet.   I mean, he's not even a friend at this point so HE is going to interpret this gesture as disingenuous, phony.  Trying too hard. Needy.  

Kiwi, it's important to be cognizant of how others view your actions.  You may have the kindest and most noble of intentions but again after one coffee, this is not how he or most will interpret it.

Best to respect his boundaries and allow him the space and time to reach out, like he said he would.   If he is interested he will.

THAT is what giving him the benefit of the doubt looks like to me.

Good point and very well said. It’ll definitely give me something to think about.

[ThereSheGoes]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

That's been my experience as well. Any guy I dated in my OLD days who wanted to continue dating after the first date never left me hanging. I usually had dates 2,3,4 set up by the end of each previous date. By day two if I hadn't heard from the OLD guy, I knew he wasn't interested and I was right each time. Guys who are interested in you, contact you no matter what. 

Kiwi, if he really wanted to ask you out again, he already would have despite his so-called emergency suicidal friend situation. If that had really happened, and he really wanted to see you for a second date, he would have already called you by now, updated you on his friend, and asked you out again. There's no in-between here. It's just that simple. 

 

I agree. Usually the guy is trying to set up a date in the parking lot, or immediately when he gets home. If he's dragging his feet.......no go.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

I agree. Usually the guy is trying to set up a date in the parking lot, or immediately when he gets home. If he's dragging his feet.......no go.

Exactly. And it's a "next!" for me, if he offers me his phone number instead of asking me for mine. I mean, I want to be pursued, not optioned like a stock. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to text him to see what happened? Do you want to date him again?

This isn't about a social justice crusade, it's about a simple decision as to whether you want to continue, whether you contact him or not.

He knows your contact info. It's up to you to decide if you want to go out again...if he's even interested. 

[Ellener]

13 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Okay, so let’s say I give him the innocent until proven guilty approach, what would I say in the text, besides what I was thinking of sending?

I don't think you need to show any interest in the rest of his life for a second date to be honest, just say I enjoyed our date, sorry you had to leave.

My motto these days is 'do not get caught up in other people's drama', if he's a decent guy he's not going to tell you confidential stuff about being someone's sponsor ( for example ) and he's already told you 'I have a history' and got that out of the way. 

Dating is meant to be fun I think, so if you've put it out there that you're open to another meeting then see what he says. And set a big boundary that you don't need to know about his suicidal friends or stuff way back in the past. He doesn't even need to be checking his phone during a date.

Good luck!

 

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

set a big boundary that you don't need to know about his suicidal friends or stuff way back in the past. He doesn't even need to be checking his phone during a date.

just to clarify- I don't mean tell him these things outright in a text, the boundary = you not asking questions, or changing the subject, or in the moment saying can we put our phones away etc.

You don't need to be in a listener or helper role in your dating life. 

 

[d0nnivain]

On 11/30/2020 at 12:04 AM, kiwistwbry said:

I haven’t heard from him yet and it’s been 2 days. I know he said he would text me, but I’m getting concerned. Should I reach out anyway?? If so, what do I say in the text?

If his friend made a real attempt or worse, succeeded in committing suicide, that would explain the 2 days of silence.  

If you like him & want to cautiously give him the benefit of the doubt text something along the lines of 

Just touching base.  Hope your friend is OK or at least that you are handing a tough situation.  I'm concerned too.   I enjoyed our date & would be open to a 2nd date.  I'm a good listener if you need a shoulder to lean on.  Let me know.  

Those words aren't perfect.  You have to make the message your own but hopefully it gives you some direction on what to say.  

If you hear back, great.  If you don't, assume there was no interest & move on.  For all of the reasons to just bail mentioned in other responses do keep your guard up for a while.  

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

I agree. Usually the guy is trying to set up a date in the parking lot, or immediately when he gets home. If he's dragging his feet.......no go.

 

that’s not true.

each guy does it his way..

 

some ask at end of meet

some wait till a few days later because they don’t want to come off pushy.

 

some might not know there work schedule for the following  week at the time of date.given what job she has, he might figure she doesn’t know either.

 

 

[Crazelnut]

Ok, so let's stop calling it a "so-called emergency." Let's assume it was legit. There is still too much drama with this guy to warrant further pursuit. He's caught up with other addicts who are actively using. That risks his sobriety. He's caught up with a friend with serious mental health issues. That sucks up a lot of his time and energy.  And the mother of his kid is a junkie -- unreliable, selfish, bad co-parent. That impacts every aspect of his life. 

Do not reach out. Let it go.

[kiwistwbry]

32 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

that’s not true.

each guy does it his way..

 

some ask at end of meet

some wait till a few days later because they don’t want to come off pushy.

 

some might not know there work schedule for the following  week at the time of date.given what job she has, he might figure she doesn’t know either.

 

 

Couldn’t agree more. I had a first date with another guy I met on the app and right after he thanked me and said he’d like to do it again. He was getting ready to leave and I offered a hug, which was brief at best. Also texted me like 30 min later to say “I enjoyed meeting you today. I really hope we can do something again soon.” And yet I haven’t heard from him for 2 days now.

Another guy about a week ago didn’t mention any next time during the date, and simply ended it by saying “I’m glad you had a great time, thanks for meeting me!” Never heard from him again, and I wasn’t surprised in the least because of how the date went. 

Some guys have given me their number on the app, so I then give them mine and they text me directly either that same day or the next. There have been some who didn’t try to exchange numbers until meeting in person. Every guy has been a completely different experience from beginning to end, whether we met on an app or real life.

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm a good listener if you need a shoulder to lean on. 

That's exactly what I would not say if this is a potential person to date.

[kiwistwbry]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If his friend made a real attempt or worse, succeeded in committing suicide, that would explain the 2 days of silence.  

If you like him & want to cautiously give him the benefit of the doubt text something along the lines of 

Just touching base.  Hope your friend is OK or at least that you are handing a tough situation.  I'm concerned too.   I enjoyed our date & would be open to a 2nd date.  I'm a good listener if you need a shoulder to lean on.  Let me know.  

Those words aren't perfect.  You have to make the message your own but hopefully it gives you some direction on what to say.  

If you hear back, great.  If you don't, assume there was no interest & move on.  For all of the reasons to just bail mentioned in other responses do keep your guard up for a while.  

Thank you so much. This sounds great and I will give it serious thought! Making the text my own as you mentioned.

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[stillafool]

Have you texted him yet?  Keep us posted.

[kiwistwbry]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Have you texted him yet?  Keep us posted.

I’m going to give it more consideration, and wait a week instead. I think that could be better for both of us, and will also give him more time to reach out first. Will definitely post an update.

[kiwistwbry]

12 minutes ago, Ellener said:

That's exactly what I would not say if this is a potential person to date.

Thank you for your input!!

[Ami1uwant]

9 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Couldn’t agree more. I had a first date with another guy I met on the app and right after he thanked me and said he’d like to do it again. He was getting ready to leave and I offered a hug, which was brief at best. Also texted me like 30 min later to say “I enjoyed meeting you today. I really hope we can do something again soon.” And yet I haven’t heard from him for 2 days now.

Another guy about a week ago didn’t mention any next time during the date, and simply ended it by saying “I’m glad you had a great time, thanks for meeting me!” Never heard from him again, and I wasn’t surprised in the least. 

Some guys have given me their number on the app, I then given them mine and they text me directly either that same day or the next. There have been some who didn’t try to exchange numbers until meeting in person. Every guy has been a completely different experience from beginning to end, whether we met on an app or real life.

holiday time also complicated it further.

I’m assume you are in AUS/NZ.

here in the US this past weekend was thanksgiving , thrn 4 weeks is Christmas. This three weekends in between can be chaotic in normal times because peop,e have holiday parties with friends on one of those saturdays. Another Saturday they are holiday shopping. Another Saturday they could be doing a different get together with work associates.

 

it’s too early to introduce a new date to these people or to family which makes early dating very hard. Thus peop,e are unsure of weekend availability.  
 

what happens in married families you might have shifts where say you are 3 siblings, married with kids.  Two are local, one ..their spouse is not in the same town so every other year they would be away over Christmas.  This means a family might have their family think the weekend before Christmas.  
 

thise plans..you know they will occur. You are not sure when.