First Date Ended Early Because of Emergency!

[Watercolors]

Just now, kiwistwbry said:

Because I am no longer approaching him with just a relationship in mind. It just feels necessary to follow-up with him.

Kiwi, it's really not appropriate for you to "follow" up with him. You are not his girlfriend. You are not his family member. You are not in his recovery group. You are just a woman he had one date with. He hasn't even contacted you to ask you out for a second date. That means he's not interested in seeing you again. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. Dating is difficult when you are a single parent. So, I know you must be feeling like you finally met someone you have a lot in common with, and you don't want to lose that connection.

I have to say, that I agree with balletomane that you are in rescuer mode now, and are using the guise of you being a good Christian, to stay in touch with him. When really, you want to go out with him again. 

Please just accept that while you felt the date went great, he didn't otherwise you would have heard from him again. I think you need to block and delete his OLD profile and keep trying. 

[poppyfields]

kiwi, please explain why all the "mad" emojis?   We are ALL, each and every one of us, trying to help you.  Most of us have tons of experience and as objective observers can recognize things, red flags, that you are unable to given how close you are to the situation and because I suspect you really like him.

I would never tell you what to do, only that I do not agree and why, but Watercolors and others are making a ton of sense here and WC's last post was spot on.

Why get "mad" about it?  Why not accept advice graciously?  Even if you don't agree?   Again, we are all here trying to help.  

Edited December 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

And you don’t think this guy is in rescuer mode?

Not necessarily. He could be a sponsor for AA or NA responding to his sponsee and/or not great at boundaries.

But why would you contact him only to tell him by the way I don't want to date you, you have too many problems? ( or however you phrase it )

What will you say if he does have tons of problems and thinks you are expressing caring? 

 

[kiwistwbry]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

kiwi, please explain why all the "mad" emojis?   We are ALL, each and every one of us, trying to help you.  Most of us have tons of experience and as objective observers can recognize things, red flags, that you are unable to given how close you are to the situation and because I suspect you really like him.

I would never tell you what to do, only that I do not agree and why, but Watercolors and others are making a ton of sense here and WC's last post was spot on.

Why get "mad" about it?  Why not accept advice graciously?  Even if you don't agree?   Again, we are all here trying to help.  

Because all I see is judgment and criticism any way you slice it. Whether it’s about me or the guy. A bunch of negativity and thinking the worst in people. Just my take on it all.

[Watercolors]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

kiwi, please explain why all the "mad" emojis?   We are ALL, each and every one of us, trying to help you.  Most of us have tons of experience and as objective observers can recognize things, red flags, that you are unable to given how close you are to the situation and because I suspect you really like him.

I would never tell you what to do, only that I do not agree and why, but Watercolors and others are making a ton of sense here and WC's last post was spot on.

Why get "mad" about it?  Why not accept advice graciously?  Even if you don't agree?   Again, we are all here trying to help.  

Thanks poppy! Kiwi I"m not against you dating OLD. I'm not even telling you what to do. I'm just pointing out obvious red flags and offering up my opinion and advice to you, with the hope that you consider it at least, before you make your final decision. 

19 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Not necessarily. He could be a sponsor for AA or NA responding to his sponsee and/or not great at boundaries.

But why would you contact him only to tell him by the way I don't want to date you, you have too many problems? ( or however you phrase it )

What will you say if he does have tons of problems and thinks you are expressing caring? 

 

Agreed. It seems un-necessary to reach out to him via text under the guise that you don't want to date him b/c he's so messed up, but you want to be there for him emotionally as a support. It's un-necessary because you do not have a relationship with him. You just had one date. You can be a good Christian and wish him well, and volunteer with drug addicts if that makes you feel better.

But, to reach out to him, to check on how he's doing under the guise of it just being an outreach text on your part, not a romantic one, isn't logical. He'll see that as an opportunity to take advantage of you if he is that type of guy; or, he will just ignore your text if he's not interested in going out with you again and doesn't want to stay in contact with you.

So, either way it makes no sense for you to pine for this guy. I'm sorry. I know you are feeling lonely and want to have more successful dates and everything as a single mother in a pandemic. But this guy is not *that* guy for you. If you keep trying, you will find better and more suitable boyfriend candidates out there. But this guy isn't it. He hasn't even asked you out again. So clearly he's not interested. OLD is a numbers game anyway. 

That is what I noticed about you immediately from your posts, Kiwi, that you are struggling with enmeshment here and having appropriate boundaries with a complete stranger who hasn't even asked you out for a second date since your first date with him. 

 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[kiwistwbry]

30 minutes ago, Ellener said:

What will you say if he does have tons of problems and thinks you are expressing caring? 

 

I don’t know what you mean but this would be my initial text.

“Hey Eric! I know we simply met over coffee, just hope you and your friend are okay :)”

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Ellener]

Just now, kiwistwbry said:

I don’t know what you mean but this would be my text.

“Hey Eric! I know we simply met over coffee, just hope you and your friend are okay :)”

And what will you say then if he assumes you want to see him again/asks you to see him again?

You 'met' because you were both looking for a potential partner. Why engage him on any other level or about anything else is what I'm asking.

 

 

[Watercolors]

12 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I don’t know what you mean but this would be my initial text.

“Hey Eric! I know we simply met over coffee, just hope you and your friend are okay :)”

Kiwi, I think you are having a hard time being rejected by men you go out on dates with. I know OLD is hard because it's such a numbers game. But when a guy rejects you, why can't you just accept that he's not interested in you, and go back to OLD to find someone else? 

Texting Eric outside the context of the reason you two met in the first place (to find someone to date) doesn't make any sense. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[kiwistwbry]

2 minutes ago, Ellener said:

And what will you say then if he assumes you want to see him again/asks you to see him again?

You 'met' because you were both looking for a potential partner. Why engage him on any other level or about anything else is what I'm asking.

 

 

I haven’t gotten that far yet. And I actually think I’ll wait longer to text this, more like a week instead.

[kiwistwbry]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

Kiwi, I think you are having a hard time being rejected by men you go out on dates with. And that by texting "Eric" that means to you, that the connection can continue because you want it to. 

Ellener asked a legitimate question. How will you respond to Eric's text if he tells you about his friend? Why do you need to stay in touch with Eric, if you don't want to date him? What are your plans? 

Not at all. Like I said I’ve been on several first dates with guys that didn’t work out since joining the apps, and I’ve been fine with the rest.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I don’t know what you mean but this would be my initial text.

“Hey Eric! I know we simply met over coffee, just hope you and your friend are okay :)”

kiwi, the take away for him, and any man, will be you are into him and want him to ask you out.  Ask any man if you don't believe me.  Women do not typically send texts to men they don't wish to date again.  It's giving him the total green light.  Especially when the man told her HE would contact her but hasn't. 

It's misleading and actually "unkind" to do this because you don't want to go out with him and if he asks, you will reject him which is hurtful.  

How can you not see this?  

Edited December 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

Just now, kiwistwbry said:

Not at all. Like I said I’ve been on several first dates with guys that didn’t work out since joining the apps, and I’ve been fine with the rest.

Kiwi, I'm trying to understand why you need to follow up with Eric. It just doesn't make sense to me at all. 

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

I’ve heard of strategies to cut dates short but one centered around suicide?? Seems a bit drastic to me. Showing me the phone conversation?? Sounds like too much effort. Why not just end the date for some random reason, don’t mention a next time, don’t hug me, or even tell me he’ll text me later. It’s not adding up. 

He also said the reason he’s not with his ex anymore is because she’s still using drugs and isn’t focused on their son. He tried to get her to change but she wouldn’t. He was working 2 jobs to support her while she didn’t even work for almost two years. 
 

He doesn’t go to bars because that’s not the type of girl he’s looking for. He gave his ex many chances before ending it. Why knock him because of his past? I believe him when he says he’s been clean since his son was born. Why lie about this? If we started dating wouldn’t it all come out eventually?? I’m just genuinely concerned about him and don’t know what to do next...

I give them the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

 

you said you have a child..what if on a date you here of a real emergency with your child?  Or before the date yhey are sick?  Do you want him to hold that against you ?

[kiwistwbry]

29 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Texting Eric outside the context of the reason you two met in the first place (to find someone to date) doesn't make any sense. 

It makes sense to me because of why the date ended abruptly and how serious the reason was???

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Watercolors]

 

22 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I give them the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

8 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

It makes sense to me because of why the date ended abruptly and how serious the reason was???

you said you have a child..what if on a date you here of a real emergency with your child?  Or before the date yhey are sick?  Do you want him to hold that against you ?

Ami1uwant there's a difference between a real emergency and a fake one. With OLD, fake emergencies are the norm. I'm sure you've been on the receiving end of an abruptly ended date due to what turned out to be a "fake" emergency. 

Kiwi, again, your need to stay in touch with Eric outside the context of your date doesn't seem appropriate or even necessary since you two are just complete strangers, and he never asked you out for a second date.

How do you know that Eric needs to hear from you? 

How long has it been since your first date now? A week? Two weeks? 

What do you want from Eric? What are you plans if he responds to your text? 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[Ellener]

42 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I haven’t gotten that far yet. And I actually think I’ll wait longer to text this, more like a week instead.

Good idea.

See if this was me I probably would give someone a chance and date them anyway. Or have a brief fling. Because of the hug. Whilst knowing deep down it was probably not going anywhere long-term.

What I would not do ( with the benefit of many years' mistakes here ) is act kindly to engage anyone romantically, or try to fix someone, or simply be over-curious about someone else's business.

Be clear and honest in your own mind about what you are doing, then there's integrity.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says ( though if you seek advice you might expect to receive some! ) so long as you are clear for yourself. Then whatever you do you will always be fine!

 

 

[kiwistwbry]

15 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

 

Ami1uwant there's a difference between a real emergency and a fake one. With OLD, fake emergencies are the norm. I'm sure you've been on the receiving end of an abruptly ended date due to what turned out to be a "fake" emergency. 

Kiwi, again, your need to stay in touch with Eric outside the context of your date doesn't seem appropriate or even necessary since you two are just complete strangers, and he never asked you out for a second date.

How do you know that Eric needs to hear from you? 

How long has it been since your first date now? A week? Two weeks? 

What do you want from Eric? What are you plans if he responds to your text? 

Fake and elaborate emergency rather than just a simple, my dog ate my homework kind of excuse that would take no effort.  

He did suggest a “next time” at the end of the first date, which was just 3 days ago.

I don’t want anything from Eric but to give him the benefit of the doubt. An innocent until proven guilty second chance. 

[kiwistwbry]

6 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Good idea.

See if this was me I probably would give someone a chance and date them anyway. Or have a brief fling. Because of the hug. Whilst knowing deep down it was probably not going anywhere long-term.

What I would not do ( with the benefit of many years' mistakes here ) is act kindly to engage anyone romantically, or try to fix someone, or simply be over-curious about someone else's business.

Be clear and honest in your own mind about what you are doing, then there's integrity.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says ( though if you seek advice you might expect to receive some! ) so long as you are clear for yourself. Then whatever you do you will always be fine!

 

 

And yet when I’m given advice and don’t go along with it it’s deemed inappropriate.  

[Ellener]

Just now, kiwistwbry said:

And yet when I’m given advice and don’t go along with it it’s deemed inappropriate.  

Honey, you have to believe in yourself, trust yourself to make your own mistakes. If someone gives me advice these days I'll listen and say thanks then weigh it up- then do what I'm going to do!

It's the integrity about it that counts.

 

 

[poppyfields]

56 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I give them the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes.

Kiwi posted she does not wish to date him again.  

[kiwistwbry]

14 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Honey, you have to believe in yourself, trust yourself to make your own mistakes. If someone gives me advice these days I'll listen and say thanks then weigh it up- then do what I'm going to do!

It's the integrity about it that counts.

 

 

Okay, so let’s say I give him the innocent until proven guilty approach, what would I say in the text, besides what I was thinking of sending?

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I don’t want anything from Eric but to give him the benefit of the doubt. An innocent until proven guilty second chance. 

Okay but you know what?  Sometimes there is no doubt, you just know when a man isn't interested.  No doubt whatsoever to give. 

How can we know?  When a man cuts your first meet short with an elaborate excuse and tells you will call/text you again but doesn't.  That's a pretty strong indication he is just not all that interested, I'm sorry.  

So for me and I think most women, there would actually be no doubt to give him.  We just know.  And that would mean a NEXT.

No matter what he's got going on, it takes 10 seconds to send a text.  There really is no excuse.  

An interested man would.  You have to know that.

Now if your intention is to establish a friendship then by all means text him.  But somehow I don't believe that is what you want, I could be wrong. 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[kiwistwbry]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay but you know what?  Sometimes there is no doubt, you just know when a man isn't interested.  No doubt whatsoever to give. 

How can we know?  When a man cuts your first meet short with an elaborate excuse and tells you will call/text you again but doesn't.  That's a pretty string indication he is just not all that interested, I'm sorry.  

No matter what he's got going on, it takes 10 seconds to send a text.  There really is just no excuse.  

An interested man would.  You have to know that.

Now if your intention is to establish a friendship then by all means text him.  But somehow I don't believe that is what you want, I could be wrong. 

 

 

I really don’t know what I would want. It would be a lot to consider because of his past and current friendships. I just know that I am genuinely concerned about him and his friend just as people, and that it was a serious enough situation to cause a delay in him getting back to me like he said he would. Because I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I would be fine with only a friendship if that’s what it needed to result in.

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I really don’t know what I would want. It would be a lot to consider because of his past and current friendships. I just know that I am genuinely concerned about him and his friend just as people, and that it was a serious enough situation to cause a delay in him getting back to me like he said he would. Because I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I would be fine with only a friendship if that’s what it needed to result in.

What could be serious enough that he couldn't take 10 seconds to shoot you a text?

Hell, he could text you while on the toilet for goodness sakes.

[kiwistwbry]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What could be serious enough that he couldn't take 10 seconds to shoot you a text?

Hell, he could text you while on the toilet for goodness sakes.

Maybe he thinks I wouldn’t be interested anymore. That I wouldn’t be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. That I would be portraying him as a terrible person or some kind of liar. Maybe the situation didn’t end well for his friend or Eric went all the way down there, wasn’t able to get in, and still doesn’t know what’s going on. The list goes on. I guess I don’t see why this all matters? Point is he seemed interested on the date, ended it due to a serious emergency, then didn’t follow up like he said he would. That’s where giving him the benefit of the doubt comes into play.

If he doesn’t reply back, so be it. If he does then I’ll think of what to say next. I guess I don’t see the harm in me reaching out. If anything I’ll feel better knowing I didn’t judge him by making him guilty right away, and showed my genuine concern for the both of them.

Edited December 1, 2020 by kiwistwbry