First Date Ended Early Because of Emergency!

[kiwistwbry]

So this has never happened to me before, and I’m still confused as to what to do... I (34) met a guy (33) on Bumble and we really hit it off! We are both single parents and connected well, including tons of chemistry. Also looking for a relationship and to mesh as a family with potential partner. His son is 4 years old and mine is 10 years old. At the end of our coffee date I thanked him for treating me. He said, “you can treat me next time!” and had a huge smile. Then he proceeded to give me the most amazing hug I have ever had. It lasted for probably 20 seconds. I kept waiting for him to let go and he wasn’t. Of course I was nervous on the date and a bit tense, but halfway through the hug I completely relaxed and literally melted into his arms. Then he said he had to go pee (hahaha) and as he went into the cafe where we had coffee he said he would text me later. So I repeated to him, okay you’ll text me later..? and he confirmed “I will”. 

These were all of the positives. The negatives were he kept checking his watch, then his cell phone. It was really turning me off, but halfway through the date he told me a friend of his was acting suicidal, and that he wished he could stay longer, but that he also might have to cut the date short to go check on him since the other friends weren’t going to. He even showed me the text conversation on his phone while reading it out loud. This guy I went out on a date with is a recovering drug addict of 4 years. He really turned his life around after his son was born and I applaud him greatly, but it seems he still has some friends who do that, and he tries to help them out whenever possible. I was disappointed but understanding about it all. The thing is I haven’t heard from him yet and it’s been 2 days. I know he said he would text me, but I’m getting concerned. Should I reach out anyway?? If so, what do I say in the text?

[kiwistwbry]

18 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

So this has never happened to me before, and I’m still confused as to what to do... I (34) met a guy (33) on Bumble and we really hit it off! We are both single parents and connected well, including tons of chemistry. We’re both also looking for a relationship and to mesh as a family with potential partner.

Thought the correction was important!

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

  This guy I went out on a date with is a recovering drug addict of 4 years. 

Sorry to hear that. You dodged a bullet. Don't get involved with people who act shady on dates, hang around shady people or have a shady past.

Dating is not social work. Date people without this many problems.

As a single parent you may want to be more selective about who you allow in your life.

Perhaps he was using a cut the date short strategy, perhaps he still does drugs.....You just don't know. 

What you do know is that you observed some weird off putting  behaviors so trust your instincts .

[kiwistwbry]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. You dodged a bullet. Don't get involved with people who act shady on dates, hang around shady people or have a shady past.

Dating is not social work. Date people without this many problems.

As a single parent you may want to be more selective about who you allow in your life.

Perhaps he was using a cut the date short strategy, perhaps he still does drugs.....You just don't know. 

What you do know is that you observed some weird off putting  behaviors so trust your instincts .

I’ve heard of strategies to cut dates short but one centered around suicide?? Seems a bit drastic to me. Showing me the phone conversation?? Sounds like too much effort. Why not just end the date for some random reason, don’t mention a next time, don’t hug me, or even tell me he’ll text me later. It’s not adding up. 

He also said the reason he’s not with his ex anymore is because she’s still using drugs and isn’t focused on their son. He tried to get her to change but she wouldn’t. He was working 2 jobs to support her while she didn’t even work for almost two years. 
 

He doesn’t go to bars because that’s not the type of girl he’s looking for. He gave his ex many chances before ending it. Why knock him because of his past? I believe him when he says he’s been clean since his son was born. Why lie about this? If we started dating wouldn’t it all come out eventually?? I’m just genuinely concerned about him and don’t know what to do next...

Edited November 30, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Wiseman2]

This is a no-brainer. Delete and block him.

[balletomane]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

He doesn’t go to bars because that’s not the type of girl he’s looking for. He gave his ex many chances before ending it. Why knock him because of his past? I believe him when he says he’s been clean since his son was born. Why lie about this? If we started dating wouldn’t it all come out eventually?? I’m just genuinely concerned about him and don’t know what to do next...

1.) At this stage you can't know what type of girl he looks for because you've only met him once. No matter how much chemistry there is, you can't get to know someone's character purely based on a first date.

2.) If he was worried about his friend to the point where he couldn't give you his full attention, he shouldn't have gone on a date with you at all. He should have been with the friend. There's nothing wrong with dating a person who has recovered from addiction, but this guy's boundaries are shaky and that suggests he has further work to do before he's ready to date. No one should allow their friends' problems to spill over into their own lives to the degree that they're sharing these problems with women they've only just met. It seems as if you're taking this as a sign of him being a caring person who already sees you as someone to confide in, rather than a sign of having weak boundaries.

3.) If you're concerned about someone you've only just met, stay away. First dates aren't supposed to elicit concern. You want to be someone's girlfriend, not their rescuer.

[kiwistwbry]

17 minutes ago, balletomane said:

1.) At this stage you can't know what type of girl he looks for because you've only met him once. No matter how much chemistry there is, you can't get to know someone's character purely based on a first date.

2.) If he was worried about his friend to the point where he couldn't give you his full attention, he shouldn't have gone on a date with you at all. He should have been with the friend. There's nothing wrong with dating a person who has recovered from addiction, but this guy's boundaries are shaky and that suggests he has further work to do before he's ready to date. No one should allow their friends' problems to spill over into their own lives to the degree that they're sharing these problems with women they've only just met. It seems as if you're taking this as a sign of him being a caring person who already sees you as someone to confide in, rather than a sign of having weak boundaries.

3.) If you're concerned about someone you've only just met, stay away. First dates aren't supposed to elicit concern. You want to be someone's girlfriend, not their rescuer.

I completely agree with the boundaries issue and that did come to mind. Good point!

[Versacehottie]

he sounds like he is still involved with drugs from the behavior you described....or had another date scheduled.  

The suicidal friend was probably an excuse even with the conversation he showed you.  If he was into you and that was the emergency he needed to escape the date from, he would follow up with you because he would feel bad for cutting it short and leaving you hanging pretty much.  Or to tell you what is going on with his friend since he involved you in that drama.

IMO, you should let him go and be over him (you were planning too far in the future and using what he said he was looking for, yikes!).  Drug addicts are the craftiest people ever.  Even if he's recovered (suspect), he still has those crafty skills and it certainly looks like he put them to use on your date.  Sorry, he's absolutely no go for 100 reasons.

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't get involved with people who act shady on dates, hang around shady people or have a shady past.

As someone with a somewhat shady past, (Mostly as a teenager) -  Some people's shady past doesn’t make them any less decent of a person. It just means they were lost growing up. Of course there’s always an exception, but I think you should judge people on face value, chemistry, moral standing and any intuitive vibes you get. We all have a past, some of them aren’t perfect. It’s the future that counts. 
 

[schlumpy]

Nothing wrong with dating someone with a questionable past when your eyes are wide open.

I am concerned that your eyes are being clouded by his charm and the ease in which he engages you because you said that "but halfway through the hug I completely relaxed and literally melted into his arms."

Your emotions are being engaged before you know if he feels the same.

Date him but be a bit more skeptical and reserved on the inside.

 

[snowboy91]

I know some here will jump down the guy's throat for his past, but 4 years is a decent amount of time (and effort) for recovery. Credit where credit's due, he's done very well.

I'd say it's enough for me to give him the benefit of the doubt at this point knowing it's only been one date so far. I would assume he's being genuine and has real concern for his friend, and if he hasn't reached out something may have really gone down.

It's a situation where I would be wary, but it's not grounds to call "next" just yet. There is still scope to see how this goes without getting yourself into danger, but as soon as you're outside your comfort zone, cut and run.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, balletomane said:

1.) At this stage you can't know what type of girl he looks for because you've only met him once. No matter how much chemistry there is, you can't get to know someone's character purely based on a first date.

2.) If he was worried about his friend to the point where he couldn't give you his full attention, he shouldn't have gone on a date with you at all. He should have been with the friend. There's nothing wrong with dating a person who has recovered from addiction, but this guy's boundaries are shaky and that suggests he has further work to do before he's ready to date. No one should allow their friends' problems to spill over into their own lives to the degree that they're sharing these problems with women they've only just met. It seems as if you're taking this as a sign of him being a caring person who already sees you as someone to confide in, rather than a sign of having weak boundaries.

3.) If you're concerned about someone you've only just met, stay away. First dates aren't supposed to elicit concern. You want to be someone's girlfriend, not their rescuer.

Totally agree with these points. The boundaries issue definitely stands out. And there's also something ethically questionable about someone who'll hang other people's (wife's and friend's) dirty laundry out to dry in order to win points with a relative stranger.

@kiwistwbry, it's also generally not a good idea to wholeheartedly believe everything you're told at the initial stages of dating. I'm not saying you should assume everyone's a liar. Just leave room for the possibility that people are not always what they say they are.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

 Some people's shady past doesn’t make them any less decent of a person. 

His shadiness is in the present on the date..

He's supposedly talking someone down from suicide?

He's going on and on about his drug addicted ex/ babymama?

These are huge red flags 🚩.

A 20 second hug is just not worth overlooking this many glaring red flags 🚩

Edited November 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

I’m just genuinely concerned about him and don’t know what to do next...

These are difficult times to date. People are super stressed and I know I definitely 'over-shared' recently in a way I would not normally, dating should be a fun relaxed thing in the first instant to me. But the pandemic and other major issues this year get in the way of that. I've responded by deleting my dating profile since it's almost impossible to meet in person anyway with my health and the raging Covid 19 here...

You can't know what's going on with this guy since you only just met but it sounds like he has a lot going on himself. Leave it to him to contact you and don't get in any way caught up in his problems is what I'd do simply because it's not a good start for a relationship!

People with a past are often people with compassion and real life experience- they are often more interesting and capable and, well, 'deeper', higher intensity....I don't think it's necessarily a red flag, could just be bad timing for your date...but you need to know your own boundaries, and definitely not be feeling worry or concern for him after your one coffee date. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

It was only the FIRST DATE and already all this drama is swirling around him...... past history of drug problems..... his ex is still a drug addict.... suicidal friend... all this stuff rolls out on only the first date?  This is not normal.  I would be very careful about this guy.

[boymommy]

I don't know if he is using the suicidal friend as an excuse...BUT I am a drug and alcohol counselor and even people in recovery need to work really hard to stay that way! 

The main problems I see in him is that regardless if he is clean, his downfall is not changing his people, places, and things. Mainly his people. He is still associating himself with active users and trying to help them? While this is a nobel thing to do, he needs to avoid people who are actively using! If he wants to give back and help people he can become an addictions counselor (most people I work with are in recovery themselves, I am not though..) OR he could get involved in Narcotics Anonymous and become a sponsor and associate with people who WANT recovery vs people who want to stay addicted. This is a very important distinction. If he keeps associating with people who are suicidal and actively using vs people who want recovery he is going to trigger his own relapse in return. It's only a matter of time! 

All that being said..I would not be reaching out to this guy because it sounds to me like he is headed down a slippery slope. I believe he was probably into the date and you. But like most addicts he is stuck between recovery and the addiction lifestyle. He doesn't want to use but doesn't want total sobriety either. He wants to have a little of both. Stay away from him and date people who are are either don't do drugs or have no history of addiction OR are in complete sobriety and have no involvement with an addictive lifestyle. It's entirely possible to live this way! 

[Ruby Slippers]

I wouldn't go on a second date with a guy who couldn't be more present than that on the first date. I agree that if his friend's situation was so dire he needed to be a constant check-in buddy, he simply should have postponed the date to a time when he had the proper attention to give to it.

[Versacehottie]

Ok, points taken from foxsake & snowboy about people with prior drug addictions not being all bad or 100% absolutely problematic.  

Let's just look at the does he like the OP or not simply from a dating perspective.....He doesn't seem that into her and she seems waayyyy too invested.  I'd say the most troubling thing that is going on for sure, is she seems to be deeming him all these great things after a very short coffee date, in spite of questionable behavior from a dating perspective.  Lol, someone succinctly put it that one 20 second hug doesn't warranted overlooking red flags etc.  Maybe the OP should come back down to earth?  

Sorry, just saying that to look out for your wellbeing in total, OP...

[Fletch Lives]

Maybe he has been clean for four years but what about the underlying problem that made him a drug addict in the first place?

[Ellener]

21 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

she seems waayyyy too invested

It's something to note the extremes people will apply judgment to one date- extrapolating stuff which can't possibly be known from such a brief encounter I mean.

Person is fabulous, person is dreadful. Most people are going to be neither in terms of relationship.

 

[Versacehottie]

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

It's something to note the extremes people will apply judgment to one date- extrapolating stuff which can't possibly be known from such a brief encounter I mean.

Person is fabulous, person is dreadful. Most people are going to be neither in terms of relationship.

 

Very true!

[Calmandfocused]

3 hours ago, boymommy said:

I don't know if he is using the suicidal friend as an excuse...BUT I am a drug and alcohol counselor and even people in recovery need to work really hard to stay that way! 

The main problems I see in him is that regardless if he is clean, his downfall is not changing his people, places, and things. Mainly his people. He is still associating himself with active users and trying to help them? While this is a nobel thing to do, he needs to avoid people who are actively using! If he wants to give back and help people he can become an addictions counselor (most people I work with are in recovery themselves, I am not though..) OR he could get involved in Narcotics Anonymous and become a sponsor and associate with people who WANT recovery vs people who want to stay addicted. This is a very important distinction. If he keeps associating with people who are suicidal and actively using vs people who want recovery he is going to trigger his own relapse in return. It's only a matter of time! 

All that being said..I would not be reaching out to this guy because it sounds to me like he is headed down a slippery slope. I believe he was probably into the date and you. But like most addicts he is stuck between recovery and the addiction lifestyle. He doesn't want to use but doesn't want total sobriety either. He wants to have a little of both. Stay away from him and date people who are are either don't do drugs or have no history of addiction OR are in complete sobriety and have no involvement with an addictive lifestyle. It's entirely possible to live this way! 

Excellent post! 
 

Another point to remember is that addicts can become masters in the art of deceit which can live on past the point of sobriety. Family members will openly admit they cannot be trusted and it takes a lot of time to build trust again once it has been destroyed. 

I once knew an addict who sold his children’s Xmas presents to raise money for his addiction ... this is how bad it can get....
 

Anyway, I’d advise you stop focusing on his hug, the connection and his stories. It’s all an illusion. Like boy mommy has said;  he’s still in the addicts lifestyle even if he stopped using. Fact. 
 

You do not want him and his drama around you or your children. Protect your children and protect their Christmas presents. 

 

 

[kiwistwbry]

I appreciate all the responses. 

About 2 months ago I decided to join a couple different dating apps just to see what was out there, maybe in hopes of finding someone I would really click with, and have been on several first dates so far. I’m looking to be in a relationship with someone who I can have clear communication with, chemistry, and compatibility as far as similar life goals and values. Someone who accepts both me and my son. What I have found has been disappointing and more work than it’s worth. Perhaps I’m just better off being single and without the added problems that come with dating in general. If I just happen to meet someone then so be it, but no more searching.

It’s true that I only talked to him briefly for a couple weeks including the first date. What I do know about this experience is that I met a single father to a 4 year old boy who turned his life around. That he tried to keep his family together for the sake of his son because he didn’t have that growing up. That he showed up to the date albeit cutting it short, and kept me informed including showing me the text conversation. That he mentioned a next time, gave me a genuine hug, as compared to the countless other hugs I’ve gotten on first dates that were semi-friendly at best, and on his own told me he would text me later and confirmed it when I asked. 

When it comes to people in general I take them at face value, and consider them innocent until proven guilty. So far all I know is what happened while with him and not thereafter. 

Maybe he was lying about the whole thing, maybe his friend ended up killing himself and this guy doesn’t know how to tell me, or maybe he’s feeling guilty himself because he wasn’t there when it happened and was on a date with me instead. Maybe when he got there his friend didn’t even answer the door (his friend told him to not stop by) and so he still doesn’t know what’s going on. 

Neither one of us have unmatched each other on Bumble yet. If he made the whole thing up and was just trying to ditch me, I’d figure he would have done so there too. I’ve been ghosted and blocked before so I know full well when someone is doing that.

What I do know is not all the facts are adding up to be one side or the other, and that’s why if I don’t hear from him by today, which will be the third day, I’ll be reaching out to him tomorrow morning with a simple text just to make sure both him and his friend are okay. If he is the person I suspect him to be then he will reply, and if not then I’ll just have to assume I was wrong all along. Either way, I’ll have peace of mind knowing that I was there for someone who might need it. 

And I agree, dating is not social work, but suicide hits close to home for me and I feel it’s necessary to reach out no matter what might have really happened. This guy was also honest with me about his problems and I appreciated it, even if that has also made me realize he is not someone to consider dating. Because he has clearly not developed the necessary support system to be successful in a longterm recovery.

[Commongoal123]

Wiseman beat my to it again.  What he said.

Also, an addict is always an addict.  I mean that without projecting any shame.  It is a lifelong battle of slipping up and "oops" and the cravings almost always come back to be dealt with.  I struggled with drugs and alcohol in my 20s.  Now in my 30s I still struggle with booze.  Is he sober sober?  Or only drinking?  Bc unless he is sober sober there is a high probability he will relapse.  And even if he is, there's still a high probability of relapse.  Is that something you want to take on in your life and the life of your 10 yr old?

Along with that, do you also want to take on any potential shady friends of his that he might have who are still using?  They would be part of your life by association.  And your child's.  Finally, discussing a suicidal friend with a stranger on a first date as a strange topic to share and a little too sharing and a sign of porous boundaries.

Also, you said suicide hits close to home for you (same here).  Did he know this about you before sharing the story about his suicidal friend?

Be careful.

Edited November 30, 2020 by Commongoal123
Edited.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

 

suicide hits close to home for me and I feel it’s necessary to reach out no matter what might have really happened. 

True, suicide is a serious issue. How would you feel if you were ready to jump off a cliff and your "concerned friend" was So deeply concerned he's texting you out on dates? Sorry that is as half-assed as it gets.