What to do about him?

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Lilia1099 said:

I could be wrong, but he was very into me and we had long standing communication way after the sex and never actually spoke about sex after. 

Ok apologies the way you worded it (or the way I read it) sounded like he chased, you slept with him, he stopped chasing.

Thank you for clarifying that was not the case. 

[Miss Spider]

Not responding to texts for a couple hours is not “not showing interest“. Always responding  after a couple hours is perfectly acceptable. Not everyone can be on their phone all the time. Not everyone wants to be. People tend to pick up on your text habits and follow suit . I have never met anyone that had a problem with slow texting. I’ve done it all the time and if anything the longer you take to text, the more they text. . Could this be some strange anomaly? Yes. Or more likely, he just lost interest. It happens. 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

I think the fact you are accepting his date/dinner invites versus declining/ flaking/blowing him off shows enough interest at this early stage. 

Getting in a huff ignoring you because you take longer to respond to texts or you're not doing cartwheels when he asks you out reflects extreme neediness and insecurity.

My advice, stay away from men like this.   Most mentally and emotionally healthy men know that a woman accepting his date invites is the ultimate reflection of interest.  At least early in.

In time, you can start reciprocating and initiating.  Always worked for me anyway.  

Edit:  After reading shortskirts post, I agree with her.  Guy simply lost interest and it wasn't because you took a few hours to respond or not enthusiastically enough.

Sorry.   

 

 

Edited November 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Yes, if he took your texting habits  that personally, you definitely dodged a bullet.

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lilia1099]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think the fact you are accepting his date/dinner invites versus declining/ flaking/blowing him off shows enough interest at this early stage. 

Getting in a huff ignoring you because you take longer to respond to texts or you're not doing cartwheels when he asks you out reflects extreme neediness and insecurity.

My advice, stay away from men like this.   Most mentally and emotionally healthy men know that a woman accepting his date invites is the ultimate reflection of interest.  At least early in.

In time, you can start reciprocating and initiating.  Always worked for me anyway.  

Edit:  After reading shortskirts post, I agree with her.  Guy simply lost interest and it wasn't because you took a few hours to respond or not enthusiastically enough.

Sorry.   

 

 

Yup, I agree.

I think it bruised his ego a bit that I didn’t set a date, he has always done so previously. 
 

either way, if it’s loss of interest or because he thinks I’m not keen enough, I’m gonna cut this one off.

just I feel he will be back around lol, but I’ll decide what to do from there as I’m still on the fence myself, just wanna understand more behind the response time.

thanks for your reply, appreciated 

[Lilia1099]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes. If that was the reason he lost interest, talk about controlling. I can’t imagine having that level of entitlement where my panties twisted over someone not texting for a couple hours. You definitely dodged a bullet if that’s the case. 

On reflection and the above, agreed!

ive dated similar guys in the past who lost their sh*t over this but I thought he had it together a bit more!!

[Miss Spider]

Guys often lose their sh*t over it. A lot of them will wonder what’s taking you so long. But that is because they don’t understand your habits yet or are assuming that your habits are like theirs. But if anything this only makes them become more interested. A lot of people, at the beginning, are busy with other stuff or just need time to respond. If you were responsive with date requests , reciprocating interest on date, sleeping with him, etc. I don’t see why that would be a massive issue. Reasonable people understand this.  oh well. 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[FMW]

All of this is just supposition, who knows why he hasn't texted again.  Don't waste energy on thinking about possibilities that may not have anything to do with what's going on.

Your last text was responding to his, you did not say anything that required a comment from him.  I agree with the comment that your response was pretty lackluster, it wouldn't inspire him to take any action anytime soon.  It's not anymore an issue of his ego than it is of yours that you're wondering what happened.   

Your choices are to reach out to him and suggest getting together or just leaving it alone and seeing if he reaches back out and then deciding how you feel about it.

Many women believe a guy has to pursue strongly and be the ones to initiate everything, that's a valid view point.  However, some guys are going to need more reciprocity and enthusiasm in order to continue pursuit, that's also valid.  They are just not compatible positions.  No need to trash the guy, he may be equally as critical of your actions as you are of his and his buddies are telling him to forget it and move on.  If it goes on for a month or more then I understand, don't let anyone string you along.  But sometimes people need to just take a moment and breathe.  

Having sex with him naturally makes you feel more sensitive about his reactions, but don't get stuck in black and white thinking.    

Bottom line, if it doesn't work for you, just move along.  But the fact that you posted about it indicates you aren't ready to do that.  So - breathe.    

Edited November 29, 2020 by FMW

[Miss Spider]

I agree. That is the bottom line. You are not compatible. Moving forward 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

~~~~

Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lilia1099]

58 minutes ago, FMW said:

All of this is just supposition, who knows why he hasn't texted again.  Don't waste energy on thinking about possibilities that may not have anything to do with what's going on.

Your last text was responding to his, you did not say anything that required a comment from him.  I agree with the comment that your response was pretty lackluster, it wouldn't inspire him to take any action anytime soon.  It's not anymore an issue of his ego than it is of yours that you're wondering what happened.   

Your choices are to reach out to him and suggest getting together or just leaving it alone and seeing if he reaches back out and then deciding how you feel about it.

Many women believe a guy has to pursue strongly and be the ones to initiate everything, that's a valid view point.  However, some guys are going to need more reciprocity and enthusiasm in order to continue pursuit, that's also valid.  They are just not compatible positions.  No need to trash the guy, he may be equally as critical of your actions as you are of his and his buddies are telling him to forget it and move on.  If it goes on for a month or more then I understand, don't let anyone string you along.  But sometimes people need to just take a moment and breathe.  

Having sex with him naturally makes you feel more sensitive about his reactions, but don't get stuck in black and white thinking.    

Bottom line, if it doesn't work for you, just move along.  But the fact that you posted about it indicates you aren't ready to do that.  So - breathe.    

Thank you.

This made complete and utter sense.

I haven’t worked out which guy he is yet out of the two, so I guess it a learning curve!?

I have decided I’m going to see how this one plays out and not respond.

I will update the thread accordingly, as it may help those in similar scenarios!

 

 

[smackie9]

He didn't get much reciprocation for his efforts so he's moving on, just like any guy would...who loss is this anyways?

[Lilia1099]

25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He didn't get much reciprocation for his efforts so he's moving on, just like any guy would...who loss is this anyways?

Not sure but atm I’m working out how to reverse this.

we both have good chemistry so I would say I am interested in seeing what happens.

However it is early days so I wouldn’t be completely bummed if nothing more come of it.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Lilia1099 said:

The last message I sent him was very short, about three words just agreeing that we should see each other soon as he suggested he wants to go out to dinner.

I just replied ‘yeah sure, we shall’ I never set a date etc

If I were the recipient of this message, I'd read disinterest. Why can't you follow up and suggest a place/day for the dinner?

[Lilia1099]

10 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

If I were the recipient of this message, I'd read disinterest. Why can't you follow up and suggest a place/day for the dinner?

I’m a really reserved person so really I was thinking he would set a date.

I struggle to be forward and I’m really reserved by nature and enjoy being chased.

I recognise this is very unhealthy and guys will see it as uninterest, I’m trying to work on it but don’t know where to start!

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Lilia1099 said:

I recognise this is very unhealthy and guys will see it as uninterest, I’m trying to work on it but don’t know where to start!

Why not just follow up and ask him if X-date works, at X-place?

If he doesn't respond, then at least you'll know. But I still have a hunch that he's backed off because you don't appear to be all that enthusiastic about seeing him again. 

[Lilia1099]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why not just follow up and ask him if X-date works, at X-place?

If he doesn't respond, then at least you'll know. But I still have a hunch that he's backed off because you don't appear to be all that enthusiastic about seeing him again. 

He messaged me asking how my weekend was and what I was up to. 
 

I’ll attempt to actually set a date and see what happens

[Lilia1099]

Just as an update he reached out to me asked how my weekend was.

I am even more confused but I guess I’ll be more engaging with my responses and see what happens.

i did think maybe it was lack of interest, but from his messages it seems he was gauging my responses and he wouldn’t have reached out again if it was?

I can’t be sure though.

[Crazelnut]

OMG, so much confusion over a hookup. OP, WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH THIS GUY? If you're interested in an actual relationship, you're not showing it. You've delayed responses, ignored texts, and gave a half-azzed answer when he suggested getting together. You need to get over the outdated notion that women are passive participants in courtship. Show some interest and set a date.

If you're not interested in him, just let it die on the vine and move on. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by Crazelnut

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, introverted1 said:

If I were the recipient of this message, I'd read disinterest. Why can't you follow up and suggest a place/day for the dinner?

It can be difficult sometines deciphering meaning and tone via a text message.  And let's face it, some people hate text messaging and suck at it.  

She accepted his invite!  Ok, the response may have been a bit lackluster but she accepted.  

Any man who would be put off, pull back or dump because of that could not have been all that interested in the first place.   Or he's a baby and needs lots of coddling. 

Good luck with that.  I dated a guy a few times who literally screamed at me in a voice mail for not picking up the phone when he called.  I recall I was visiting my mom at the time and had forgotten to bring my phone.  I blocked him and never saw him again. 

Let me ask Lila, he invited you out, you responded "yes we shall," did HE ever follow though?  

Why do his job for him?  I am not understanding that.  

EDIT:  Jmo but accepting such poor treatment, reaching out to him after HE invited you out but never followed through, is how women find themselves involved with crap men in crap relationships.

It was a freakin text message for goodness sake. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[Crazelnut]

poppyfields, if I suggested a date to someone, and their response was "Yeah sure," I would drop them like a hot potato. That's about as lukewarm as it gets. And then she didn't follow with anything, so it came across as uninterested. It is NOT the man's responsibility to be the sole driver in a burgeoning relationship. This isn't 1820.

Edited November 30, 2020 by Crazelnut

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

poppyfields, if I suggested a date to someone, and their response was "Yeah sure," I would drop them like a hot potato. That's about as lukewarm as it gets. And then she didn't follow with anything, so it came across as uninterested. It is NOT the man's responsibility to be the driver in a burgeoning relationship. This isn't 1820.

What would have been the "correct" or "acceptable" response?

Should she have put an !! at the end? "yeah sure!! - same words, different punctuation.  

Or perhaps if Lila did same. "Yes we shall!!"  

Or maybe all caps "YES WE SHALL!!" lol, would that be more acceptable to a man's liking? 

I dont know, it seems kinda silly.  Why not go on the actual date and gauge interest that way?  In person? 

Again, many people suck at text message and can come off cold. 

Re dropping a woman because her text response accepting wasn't warm or enthusiastic enough, how into her were you to begin with?

I mean to drop her because of that?  I'm sorry I just don't get it.

Edited November 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lilia1099]

43 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

poppyfields, if I suggested a date to someone, and their response was "Yeah sure," I would drop them like a hot potato. That's about as lukewarm as it gets. And then she didn't follow with anything, so it came across as uninterested. It is NOT the man's responsibility to be the sole driver in a burgeoning relationship. This isn't 1820.

I get this and I recognised my enthusiasm was lacking.

I went into this as nothing serious, which it still isn’t, but have ended up liking him a little.

he reached out to me today asking how my weekend was etc so I’m have been responsive as I can.

I do feel like guys pursue and chase what they want. I have always been chased so I know no different or how do mirror another persons enthusiasm. 

[Lilia1099]

53 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

OMG, so much confusion over a hookup. OP, WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH THIS GUY? If you're interested in an actual relationship, you're not showing it. You've delayed responses, ignored texts, and gave a half-azzed answer when he suggested getting together. You need to get over the outdated notion that women are passive participants in courtship. Show some interest and set a date.

If you're not interested in him, just let it die on the vine and move on. 

In terms of what I want, I’m not really sure.

It is super unhealthy but I guess to be chased until I can make a decision on what I want out from this.

in the meantime, I don’t know to manage my responses well

[introverted1]

42 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What would have been the "correct" or "acceptable" response?

Should she have put an !! at the end? "yeah sure!! - same words, different punctuation.  

Or perhaps if Lila did same. "Yes we shall!!"  

Or maybe all caps "YES WE SHALL!!" lol, would that be more acceptable to a man's liking? 

I dont know, it seems kinda silly.  Why not go on the actual date and gauge interest that way?  In person? 

There are so many better ways to accept a date than to say "yeah sure, we shall":

• I'd love to!
• That sounds great.  There's a Thai place I've been wanting to check out. Do you like Thai food?
• Yes, I'm free Wednesday and Thursday; does one of those work?
• Yes, l'm looking forward to seeing you again.

And other variants.

Why is it considered "coddling' to give a man a clear indication of interest? 

Edited November 30, 2020 by introverted1
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