soulseek Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) I have been with my boyfriend (m/30) for 9 months now. When we met, he was unemployed and struggling financially, while trying to land sub jobs as a teacher. Fast forward 3 months, he landed a temporary part time contract teaching at a high school. I am an elementary teacher myself, and have had my position secured for 5 years now. During lockdown, we both taught online, then spent the summer together. Towards the beginning of our relationship when we had more time, he was on me about wanting to do more adventures/ hobbies/things together. I honestly feel like covid played a bit of a role in me dragging my heels to get me out of the house. We didn't do much. We have been working on communication as that as been a lingering issue for us. However, we started a new school year, and he is to finish his contract in March. He has been struggling. He works from 7am, teaches a days worth to kids, and doesn't leave the building until 6. Somedays, he goes home after work, and works until 11pm. We do not live together, but when he is working, i try my best not to bother him with texts. This means somedays we will exchange a few messages and that is it. If I get lucky, he will take an evening off work, and sometimes I sit and wait while he responds to student emails, reads new articles or plays a video game. Other-times, I do get to watch a movie with him with no interruptions. That seems to be ALL we do now. Some weekends, he chooses to take Friday evening off, but then commits full working days Saturday/ Sunday. Recently he has told me that working at my kitchen table, while I am at my house helps keep him focused. This works fine on Sundays when I am working/planning for the week, but I started feeling a bit trapped and lonely. I was cooking/eating dinner alone, watching movies by myself etc. I worked with him on Sundays for months, but I did end up telling him recently how it felt when I was not working, as I danced around him working the rest of the evening. Unfortunately, this resulted in a lot of negative feelings as he feels like I am not supporting him / I am not eagerly shouting "YES, i'd love to work with you or have you over while you work. Let's do this together. that sounds awesome." He then compared me to a female co worker who randomly asked if he would be down to hammer out some work/marking together on the weekend to help each other focus. I do no envy the stress of evaluations, and his workload. I am not sure why the work seems to be so much more than most other high school teachers. I understand what his position feels like, I was once trying to put on a show and dance to land a contract. He has made it pretty clear that work is his first priority, and I am not. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. It is hard not to compare his previous desire to spend time with me versus, what I am currently getting right now. I asked him when we would be hanging out tonight (because that was the plan), and his response was around 8pm. But if I wanted to make plans with someone, say until 11PM, that would be fine. He followed up by saying (we will probably hang) but it is safer to assume we aren't hanging out tonight so there are no hard feelings. He said I could make other plans and treat him as a back up plan. WTF? How do you balance your need for someone to be present (emotionally and physically), while respecting his need to work and get a good review? Am i missing something? Am I asking too much? Edited November 28, 2020 by soulseek
Chilli Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 Well , it all depends what it actually is. l mean if it's a serious gonna be a lifer thing and you mean everything to each other then hell yeah , so what you gotta go without a bit to start while he gets on his feet and this covid stuff gets back to some kind of normal. Even being around each other while he's working is better than not, it's not forever. Thing is he doesn't sound all that into though and treat him as back up , WT , not to mention playing bloody games when you finally do get time together and your not a priority , that's all just not how it should be from him this early in l'm afraid he doesn't seem to be feeling it. l mean you could try talking about things more and working better time out but it's about how he really feels and sees you guys first of all. He sure ain't acting like a man in love .
Miss Spider Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) He’s a workaholic and he’s not making the time. You need to communicate with him about it. Relationships require communication and compromise. If both your needs can’t be met... well... Edited November 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Author soulseek Posted November 28, 2020 Author Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Chilli said: Even being around each other while he's working is better than not, it's not forever. I mean is it fair to just take these small pieces of left over time? This is month three. December left to go before a two week break... Yes being around him is better than nothing, and maybe getting the added benefit of having a warm body to sleep beside me 1 more night is a gain. But I feel like the quality time component is missing. However, I feel it is a lose lose situation. When i talked to him about these problems slightly before, it creates more stress because he feels like i don't see what he does for me. He says I am so wrapped up in how i feel under appreciated that I can't see the ways he is there for me? Which in turn -- This is a conversation which then takes away from his ability to work, then it is my fault that he has lost a day he could be working. Sometimes he will say things like I shouldn't text him until the following week. He is so afraid I am going to mess up his job situation. I don't understand why he can't see that this doesn't feel like a relationship. I feel like his colleague. Edited November 28, 2020 by soulseek
Miss Spider Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, soulseek said: I mean is it fair to just take these small pieces of left over time? This is month three. December left to go before a two week break... Yes being around him is better than nothing, and maybe getting the added benefit of having a warm body to sleep beside me 1 more night is a gain. But I feel like the quality time component is missing. However, I feel it is a lose lose situation. When i talked to him about these problems slightly before, it creates more stress because he feels like i don't see what he does for me. He says I am so wrapped up in how i feel under appreciated that I can't see the ways he is there for me? Which in turn -- This is a conversation which then takes away from his ability to work, then it is my fault that he has lost a day he could be working. Sometimes he will say things like I shouldn't text him until the following week. He is so afraid I am going to mess up his job situation. I don't understand why he can't see that this doesn't feel like a relationship. I feel like his colleague. It doesn’t sound good. I hear a lot about these “extremely busy“ people and it’s usually something else not-good. Look, the President of the US finds time for what he cares about. If your boyfriend has a whole day he spends arguing with you about not spending time with you, he has a day that he could spend time with you. The fact that he blame-shifts whenever you try to bring up your needs in the relationship is not good at all. Bottom line to me is he doesn’t want to set aside time to spend with you or compromise with you at all on it, so he makes you feel guilty for asking Edited November 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 I dunno. I have a friend who is married to a CPA who spends January-April 15 every year basically at the office. She says he does sleep at home but that's about it. I also have friends who are married to physicians and worked helping to put them through med school and beyond who spent years seeing little of their H's. I'd imagine a woman starting out might do the same. I'm sure there are CPA's who don't work as much, depending on their capacity but from what I've seen most high achievers go through a workaholic-type stage. I doubt the two of you will end up together given the disparity in your needs at this time. I'd think both of you will become disillusioned for different reasons. 2
Miss Spider Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) And there are people that are busy. Like last semester, I was in a very difficult program. I was super busy studying all the time. That’s why I didn’t want to date, actually. But if I needed to make time for a partner, yes I could have worked out a block of time that I could see them if I really wanted to. I had a moment for a breather, of course. You have to decompress as a human being or it’s just not healthy. Also, I would never make them feel bad about more time they wanted to spend or tell them they’re being unreasonable . If I couldn’t bend to meet their needs because they required way too much time, I would apologize that I could not meet their needs. But I would not say they are being unreasonable at all. Because they are not. My dad is a physician and worked a lot before retirement. And would even say he is a workaholic. But he made time for my mom when they were dating and throughout marriage because he wanted to. He enjoyed spending time with her. Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
poppyfields Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) Togetherness means different things to different people, different couples. When my ex and I were living together, for two years he was in school getting an advanced degree. It was a very intense program, and he was either in class, in the library or home studying.. This did not affect me or our relationship at all. While he was in our bedroom studying, I would be right beside him, reading, writing, or on the internet. It was never an issue. Two close to three years it was like this. Again, never an issue. Even in my current relationship and we live together as well, my fiance is often in his dark room developing film or prints, or working on his book, reading, watching sports, and I'm either beside him browsing the internet (posting on LS ) or emailing with a friend, reading OR in the bedroom watching a movie. Sometimes we will go for a walk on the beach or out to dinner but when home together when it comes down to it, we don't actually spend that much time "together." We do enjoy cooking and eating our meals together though and after 9:00 or 10:00 we are in bed cuddling and ..... But neither of us really require a lot of "attention." We love each other to pieces and we both know that. So to me, this is about compatibility. Sounds like you are on completely different pages with respect to how you view "togetherness." No right or wrong just different. Edited November 29, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Miss Spider Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) Also, is this guy is still friends with his friends with his ex as per your other thread? That might be where some of his spare time is going. I don’t think you should’ve ignored that red flag. it sounded like a rebound. I don’t think he has been all in since the beginning and is using being busy as an excuse, as so many people seem to think is acceptable. Just like with poppy’s guy, why can’t you spend time with him while he studies? My ex played video games while I was in the other room studying. It isn’t adding up Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
poppyfields Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) >>"YES, i'd love to work with you or have you over while you work. Let's do this together. that sounds awesome."<< ^^What's funny (interesting funny) is that before my fiance and I began living together, I would say this! Almost word for word! Except I would go to his. He told me he loved just having me there. Made him feel peaceful and he focused better. That I had a calming effect on him. I was flattered that he felt this way! Different strokes and all that I guess. Edited November 29, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Watercolors Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 3 hours ago, soulseek said: I asked him when we would be hanging out tonight (because that was the plan), and his response was around 8pm. But if I wanted to make plans with someone, say until 11PM, that would be fine. He followed up by saying (we will probably hang) but it is safer to assume we aren't hanging out tonight so there are no hard feelings. He said I could make other plans and treat him as a back up plan. WTF? How do you balance your need for someone to be present (emotionally and physically), while respecting his need to work and get a good review? Am i missing something? Am I asking too much? Yea, what he said to you about treating him as a backup plan is guy speak for, "I"m just not that into you." He just sees you as a back up, which is why he communicated to you to treat him that way too. I would not read into it beyond that. He lost interest in you for whatever reason, you may never really know, and his first priority is his substitute teaching to cope with whatever his issues are. You don't balance anything with a boyfriend who never really saw himself as your boyfriend to begin with, no matter what he told you, because his intentions were never to commit to you long-term. Otherwise, you'd be a priority he's willing to balance in his life with his substitute teaching contract, if he wanted to be with you long-term. He doesn't. I'm really sorry. Time to have the talk. Break up with him. Take back your power. He's not interested and for some reason, he is too cowardly to just straight out tell you that. He's hiding behind his substitute teaching as an excuse to avoid the awkward break up talk.
Miss Spider Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: >>"YES, i'd love to work with you or have you over while you work. Let's do this together. that sounds awesome."<< ^^What's funny (interesting funny) is that before my fiance and I began living tigether, I would say this! Almost word for word! Except I would go to his. He told me he loved just having me there! I was flattered that he felt this way! Different strokes and all that I guess. I would often study while my boyfriend worked on his stuff or while he was working on his stuff I would be doing something else. Doing stuff together but separate is common in a nine month old relationship. You think that this would occur to someone(who let’s say with the benefit of doubt absolutely never puts down his studying except to eat or sht) as a compromise to his gf’s issue of not having enough time with him. But the Fridays that they spent together are very low in quality. So it isn’t even a just matter of quantity. He spends sparse his free time together ignoring her and playing video games. Like always, more is going on here Edited November 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: So to me, this is about compatibility. Sounds like you are on completely different pages with respect to how you view "togetherness." I mean with this, we started out very differently. I was working and he had all the time in the world. During March lockdown, he wanted to camping and do all these outdoor hikes. But as soon as he got busy with work, he did not have time to mention these things. He talked about how working out together was important for mental health... he doesn't even do that anymore. So i think as we have moved through the last few months, our idea of togetherness as changed.. we have both done a 180. He seemed to be more invested in the beginning. He wanted to move in and talked about our future. Whereas, I am kind of more hopeful about the future, and he seems to just be "meh" about it. We have talked about breaking up a few times.. and maybe I have been the convincing voice
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Also, is this guy is still friends with his friends with his ex as per your other thread? That might be where some of his spare time is going. I don’t think you should’ve ignored that red flag. it sounded like a rebound. I don’t think he has been all in since the beginning and is using being busy as an excuse, as so many people seem to think is acceptable. Just like with poppy’s guy, why can’t you spend time with him while he studies? My ex played video games while I was in the other room studying. It isn’t adding up Yes. This is still the guy. I ended up meeting his ex, and that was the last time he saw her. I have noticed a pattern, and the pattern is that more of his female friends reach out to him. He feels that females genuinely care and ask questions, whereas his guy friends just have surface level conversations. So throughout the entire relationship, I wonder if he has underlying issues with female attention... he may mix the vibe females are sending (interest), with being a friend... I don't know. I have mostly haven't needed to deal with that since this new co worker. In reference to his ex, I can honestly confirm that it does not seem like a rebound. They were apart for one year before he even started dating. He broke up with her, she tried for a few months to be back together. He thought she was a good person and agreed to be her friend. He told me that he often had to "check" her because she would kind of go off her rocker. She ended up in another relationship and he was good with that. She now has a baby with the dude. So i feel like it has more to do with female attention maybe in general... Edited November 29, 2020 by soulseek
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 49 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Yea, what he said to you about treating him as a backup plan is guy speak for, "I"m just not that into you." He just sees you as a back up, which is why he communicated to you to treat him that way too. I would not read into it beyond that. He lost interest in you for whatever reason, you may never really know, and his first priority is his substitute teaching to cope with whatever his issues are. You don't balance anything with a boyfriend who never really saw himself as your boyfriend to begin with, no matter what he told you, because his intentions were never to commit to you long-term. Otherwise, you'd be a priority he's willing to balance in his life with his substitute teaching contract, if he wanted to be with you long-term. He doesn't. I'm really sorry. Time to have the talk. Break up with him. Take back your power. He's not interested and for some reason, he is too cowardly to just straight out tell you that. He's hiding behind his substitute teaching as an excuse to avoid the awkward break up talk. Yeh - like i mentioned in a few other replies, we have defiantly talked about breaking up. We have had communication issues, and the passion has seemed to die a bit due to the issues, and the lack of quality time. My flaw is that I apparently don't know when to call it quits. I have played my role in things. I have sucked at apologizing. I become defensive. So there is that. But i think all of the drama has strained him, and he just doesn't have it in him to work on us, when he knows his career is forever. We were suppose to meet up tonight to have this conversation. So based on his reply about being a backup plan... how shall i respond to that? He texted back saying that he is getting a lot done.. and could probably be finished by 8, but if i have made other plans, he will just keep working.
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Also, I would never make them feel bad about more time they wanted to spend or tell them they’re being unreasonable . If I couldn’t bend to meet their needs because they required way too much time, I would apologize that I could not meet their needs. But I would not say they are being unreasonable at all. Because they are not. He feels that the only time he can offer me is when he is working. He offers to come to my place and sit in the office up stairs or at the kitchen table. But for me, that does not feel like quality time. It feels like a reminder. It feels honestly like he doesn't miss me ever because he is killing two birds with one stone. His boxes are getting checked, but mine aren't. I honestly don't know what is right or wrong. Like should I be picking up these tiny time scraps? or it is fair to want time set aside where work doesn't interfere a few times a week?
Watercolors Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 9 minutes ago, soulseek said: Yeh - like i mentioned in a few other replies, we have defiantly talked about breaking up. We have had communication issues, and the passion has seemed to die a bit due to the issues, and the lack of quality time. My flaw is that I apparently don't know when to call it quits. I have played my role in things. I have sucked at apologizing. I become defensive. So there is that. But i think all of the drama has strained him, and he just doesn't have it in him to work on us, when he knows his career is forever. We were suppose to meet up tonight to have this conversation. So based on his reply about being a backup plan... how shall i respond to that? He texted back saying that he is getting a lot done.. and could probably be finished by 8, but if i have made other plans, he will just keep working. Wow, so he postponed the breakup talk to work on his substitute teaching lesson plans? Um, let me be direct with you. Since you've already had several breakup talks without any follow-through, just send him a text that states the obvious, "It's over." My guess is, he won't even respond to your text because spending time with you is just not his priority and hasn't been for a long time. Just cut him loose already. Stop postponing what you know has to happen. He's not going to hang out with you tonight. He's already told you that. He doesn't care about you. Just text him that it's over and be done with this toxic relationship. Otherwise, you need to be honest with yourself as to why you are clinging to a dead relationship as tightly as you seem to be. Know when to let go, as the Kenny Rogers song advises. 1
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Watercolors said: Wow, so he postponed the breakup talk to work on his substitute teaching lesson plans? Um, let me be direct with you. Since you've already had several breakup talks without any follow-through, just send him a text that states the obvious, "It's over." My guess is, he won't even respond to your text because spending time with you is just not his priority and hasn't been for a long time. Just cut him loose already. Stop postponing what you know has to happen. He's not going to hang out with you tonight. He's already told you that. He doesn't care about you. Just text him that it's over and be done with this toxic relationship. Otherwise, you need to be honest with yourself as to why you are clinging to a dead relationship as tightly as you seem to be. Know when to let go, as the Kenny Rogers song advises. Well he is currently trying to figure out if i have plans so that we can meet up tonight to talk. I don't know what you mean by postpone the breakup talk to work... He is always working. I mean, we just chatted last night and he left upset. Told me we could probably talk this evening. Then he went to sleep.
Watercolors Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 3 minutes ago, soulseek said: Well he is currently trying to figure out if i have plans so that we can meet up tonight to talk. I don't know what you mean by postpone the breakup talk to work... He is always working. I mean, we just chatted last night and he left upset. Told me we could probably talk this evening. Then he went to sleep. You wrote that he texted you he could possibly meetup tonight but he hasn't confirmed that with you, has he. That means, he isn't prioritizing meeting up with you tonight. I can't seem to get through to you to do the most healthy thing for yourself, so I will wish you luck with everything. You clearly don't want to let go of this already long-dead relationship. I can't help you see that apparently, and no one else here can either. You refuse to let go. That is something you will have to figure out about yourself. Good luck.
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Watercolors said: You wrote that he texted you he could possibly meetup tonight but he hasn't confirmed that with you, has he. That means, he isn't prioritizing meeting up with you tonight. I can't seem to get through to you to do the most healthy thing for yourself, so I will wish you luck with everything. You clearly don't want to let go of this already long-dead relationship. I can't help you see that apparently, and no one else here can either. You refuse to let go. That is something you will have to figure out about yourself. Good luck. I mean this has been my question all along. He is preparing to get evaluated for his employee file next week. So how do i balance my needs and his career needs? I once was in his place and had an ex make me choose between my career and him. I chose my career. So i get it. This isn't the place to be making him choose... He called me just now and said he would like to see me if i have not yet made any plans. So, he did leave plans up in the air as this is a more challenging week than ever. SO thanks for you replies, but it feels a bit aggressive. I am just trying to figure out how to balance things. IF i have a conversation with him, and it turns out that he is just coasting.. then yah, ill make the move. Edited November 29, 2020 by soulseek
Author soulseek Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: You don't balance anything with a boyfriend who never really saw himself as your boyfriend to begin with, no matter what he told you, because his intentions were never to commit to you long-term. Otherwise, you'd be a priority he's willing to balance in his life with his substitute teaching contract, if he wanted to be with you long-term. He doesn't. I'm really sorry. and this .... two months ago he was asking for a key, and wanted to take steps forward to move in to my house. I don't know if this is something that someone does when he never planned on committing to me. He does want to be around me, but the issue is he wants to WORK around me.
Watercolors Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, soulseek said: and this .... two months ago he was asking for a key, and wanted to take steps forward to move in to my house. I don't know if this is something that someone does when he never planned on committing to me. He does want to be around me, but the issue is he wants to WORK around me. You need to understand that "future talk" is a huge red flag. Words are but wind. I've been in plenty of situations with men who "futured talked" me into believing I had a future with them, but that was just them place-holding me, until someone else came in the picture. And, I even had men want to exchange keys with me, only to break up with me after we exchanged keys. What I'm saying is, you admitted already that you and he have had several breakup talks before and got nowhere. That you continue to cling to this r/s that is going nowhere (his career focus is an excuse, fyi). People in relationships either make their partner an option or a priority, depending on what their goals are. Since your boyfriend has never followed through on making you a priority, why do you think he suddenly will do that after his student teaching evaluation next week is overwith? I'm sorry you find my direct tone aggressive but I'm trying to be honest with you. You don't seem open to other people's opinions or advice based on experiences. Like I said, I wish you luck with everything. Edited November 29, 2020 by Watercolors
Chilli Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 Well if he's doing double right now to prepare for the evaluation that's only a wk away , you can't hassle him right now , it's only a wk. And if he gives a shyt he will be thinking about the sitch bc you've already gotten into it. The moving in thing and some other stuff too do sound like he does see things for you guys , sounds like , whether that's just talk or what , don't know . Why not wait till after he gets the evaluation done for now anyway , he's not gonna need any extra bs this wk that is for sure. See what he;s got to say once thats outa the way lt's sounding more like it's only been a few mths while he's trying to fix his situation.
lil_missy Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 Hey, I think a couple of things: 1) you can't really ask him to change, if his decides his priority is work and spending time together is not as important then that is who he is. unfortunately there is not much you can do about it. you just have to accept it, maybe it is temporary as he is trying hard to land a permanent position so you could give a few months see if it gets better? Maybe you need a guy that gives you more of his time and this guy might not be the right guy for you 2) although you guys have only been together for 9 months, its not that long and I feel you should be still super into eachother at the moment. but in a long term relationship, you need to have your own hobbies and life outside of your partner. I have difficulty with this as well, as during covid i was consistently bored as we were in lockdown and turning to my hubby for attention or source of entertainment all the time. he told me that i needed to get my own hobbies. basically I'm not good with this either, i need alot of attention from my partner as well. but I hear from lots of people that when they are at home, after work or whatever they just do their own things in seperate rooms apart from their spouse. it sounds pretty normal
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 10 hours ago, soulseek said: sometimes I sit and wait while he responds to student emails, reads new articles or plays a video game. Sorry to hear that. Why are you hanging around watching him ignore you? This is not ready dating, no less a relationship. This is wasting time being his audience in the background. Do not spend low quality time hanging out like this. Keep busy with your own friends, family, work, interests, hobbies, clubs, groups etc. Reflect on why you feel alone and why you have time to waste just watching and waiting. It may be best to end things if he's "too busy" to date. People ALWAYS have time for things that they are interested in.
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