LibrarianLady89 Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 In mid-October, I had arguably the best first date of my entire dating life...and I've been on a lot. This guy checked all my boxes and I was smitten. We had an equally amazing second date. Of course, things then went downhill. He started to get a little distant. Texts became further and farther between until he wasn't answering at all. I called him out about it and he apologized. I can't remember the complete extent of what he said, but it was something like he really liked me but he was going through some stuff and was having a hard time continuing relationships and was just on a roller coaster of ups and downs. That he thought the world of me but knew he wasn't doing the work to maintain a successful relationship so would let me go. Whatever that all means. Anyways, I was pretty crushed. Only two dates, but I'd gotten smitten with him and had stopped talking to anyone else. In hindsight, that was my bad but I let my feelings get the best of me. So of course who do I hear from yesterday? We haven't spoken since we broke things off around Halloween. I deleted his number so I didn't even know it was him right away. We did the whole 'bs catching up convo' before he told me what made him text me. "You were just so kind, you got me to be completely honest and I'm struggling with that now and didn't know who else to talk to. I guess I just wanted to thank you for dealing with my s*** and being so kind and open." And that was essentially it. Like what? The first thought that went through my head was 'this guy is lonely and he knows I'll be nice to him and talk to him'. I just don't get it. Why me? I'm sure he's been out with others since. I know I have. So why me? Why reach out to me after a month and be all cryptic like that? It sucks because for the past month I've still been riding the 'what if' train about him. And then suddenly there he is. Any insight? I really think I'm right, that he's just lonely and I'm accessible. I'm just not sure if I should engage if he texts again, or ask him to be more forthright about what he's trying to do by texting me or what.
Maldives Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 Maybe he's realised what he gave up but what that entails is the concern I guess for U. Did he not meet anyone better ? So ye hmmm tread cautiously
Ruby Slippers Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 Yeah, none of his other options are working out so he's hoping he can fall back on a safe bet. No way would I ever be some guy's backup plan. This is why I never answer those random, nameless "how are you?" texts. 1
Blind-Sided Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 Yep... as above... you are his second choice. He may have checked all of your boxes... but I'm guessing you didn't check all of his. But... now that his other prospects didn't pan out... he coming back. Don't do it. He obviously has the personality where he feels it's ok to multi date, and just blow someone off. Sorry that you are going through this. 2
poppyfields Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) Imo, he sounds conflicted. He may have really liked you too, but it sounds like feelings were escalating quickly; his fears and anxieties kicked in and he bailed. Not uncommon. After a period of NC, his anxieties subsided and he began missing you! So he reached out. Also not uncommon. I do get where folks are saying you're his back up plan or second choice or whatever. But not sure I agree. I highly doubt he would have been as open as he was and made himself as vulnerable as he did, if you were simply a back up plan. Not my experience anyway. But who knows? Are you gonna respond? Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields
stillafool Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said: "You were just so kind, you got me to be completely honest and I'm struggling with that now and didn't know who else to talk to. I guess I just wanted to thank you for dealing with my s*** and being so kind and open." It sounds like some woman he really liked cussed him out about his behavior and he is turning back to you for sympathy. Anyway it certainly doesn't sound like he now is romantically interested in you but is thankful for how you treated him.
stillafool Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I highly doubt he would have been as open as he was and made himself as vulnerable as he did, if you were simply a back up plan. I don't see what he said as being vulnerable, just a thank you.
poppyfields Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, stillafool said: I don't see what he said as being vulnerable, just a thank you. Agree to disagree, he admitted his weaknesses (he's struggling, has no one to talk to, his "shyt"). To me, that's being vulnerable. Dont know many men who would open up like that to a woman they consider a back up. Plus he made no mention of getting together. So not sure where him seeing her as a back up even fits. But who knows! All speculation. If me, I'd respond. NO expectations, just start chatting. The answers will come in time. Proceed cautiously. Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields 2
SumGuy Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said: ... Any insight? I really think I'm right, that he's just lonely and I'm accessible. I'm just not sure if I should engage if he texts again, or ask him to be more forthright about what he's trying to do by texting me or what. I think you are right on the basics, but could well be wrong on him seeing others since you two stopped seeing each other. Just get the impression he doesn't have that kind of go get 'em in him. Asking him what is up is a normal thing to do, but my impression (again) is he isn't going to say anything much different than he has. My view is he has no idea what he wants (even if he says it he can't live it), he is in his own way, and really looking to be rescued from himself I guess. His reasons after 2 dates are just odd, like way too far ahead of himself. I believe he is just figuring out that he shouldn't have overreacted and pulled back after 2 dates. That is why he reached out. I'm a guy so have a different perspective. For me, if I have liked her would give it another chance, but I would be super cautious as in my experience people who are so unaware of themselves (in the sense of knowing what they want, able to keep things somewhat in perspective) can change quickly (for illogical reasons that often seem more self destructive). So I take things like that slow in sharing the core of my personal life, still have fun sure, but want to see how stable they are in general with respect to life.
DarrenB Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) If you want something short term to get you through the festive period, then go ahead and initiate further communications with him, because he sure as heck doesn't want anything more than that. The lengths people go to in order to manipulate someone into thinking their time and effort is valuable to someone else is worryingly extensive. It's easy to put non-existent emotion into texts, it's their actions that provides the accurate factor. It's better to be safe than sorry. Edited November 28, 2020 by DarrenB 3
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted November 28, 2020 Author Posted November 28, 2020 Thanks for taking the time to give me some insight, everyone. We only went out for a short time, so I didn't truly know him that well to begin with which makes me wary of giving him even an inch right now. I did respond, just telling him he didn't need to thank and was glad my kindness had some sort of effect on him. That was the end of the conversation and haven't heard anything since, not sure I will and that's totally fine. Just thought it was all so weird that he reached out anyways, seemingly just to 'thank' me. Out of all the men I've gone out with, he was the last one I expected to ever hear from again as our last conversation really seemed final. Either way, I'm proceeding with extreme caution here. 1
poppyfields Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 18 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said: Thanks for taking the time to give me some insight, everyone. We only went out for a short time, so I didn't truly know him that well to begin with which makes me wary of giving him even an inch right now. I did respond, just telling him he didn't need to thank and was glad my kindness had some sort of effect on him. That was the end of the conversation and haven't heard anything since, not sure I will and that's totally fine. Just thought it was all so weird that he reached out anyways, seemingly just to 'thank' me. Out of all the men I've gone out with, he was the last one I expected to ever hear from again as our last conversation really seemed final. Either way, I'm proceeding with extreme caution here. Maybe he was doing some sort of "emotional cleanse" or "purge" or something like Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give. Who knows men can be so weird sometimes! So can women, lord knows I've done some pretty weird **** myself! Best to not analyze, response was perfect! 1
Ellener Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 I delete people from my phone ( dates or friends ) after a certain time of not hearing or if things feel one-sided. On my side or theirs! This can be a lonely time, combination of the pandemic and the holidays. There's a holiday hangout thread in 'the water cooler' section here. Much of this year a man has been writing/calling back and forth to me, I definitely over-shared about a couple of the traumatic things which happened over the summer, and now we have naturally drifted apart. Just missed connections I guess and I don't read too much into them these days. All the best @LibrarianLady89 1
smackie9 Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 (edited) If it were me I would have voiced my honest opinion about him right on the spot...like "why are you contacting me? We had two amazing dates, then you ditch me, giving me some long winded excuse. What makes you think I would want to talk to you again? I deleted your number for a reason. Lets just move on shall we?" OP you are too kind to a fault. This guy had someone else he was more interested in or was back with his ex. You got ripped off, and he wasn't very forthcoming with you like so many d-bags that seem to be out there. I wouldn't waste another minute on discussing this...he ain't worth a second thought. Be done with it. Edited November 28, 2020 by smackie9 1
FMW Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 Contrary to popular opinion, sometimes people really ARE going through things when they say they are, there's nothing more sketchy about it. Sure, sometimes people might use that as an excuse when they just want to be free to see other people. But sometimes they want to date but for whatever reason find they don't have it in them at the moment to be be actively building a relationship at the "normal" pace with someone new, so they withdraw. It seems most people want and need a relationship to be consistently growing and building and hitting certain mile markers (e.g. exclusive at a month, boyfriend/girlfriend at 2 months, meeting family by X month, etc.). So this guy would be a no go, whatever HIS reasons are, it would be best to move on. I've been with a guy over a year now, and his circumstances meant he wasn't ready for a relationship with all those mile marker expectations when we first met. I was happy to take things slow, it worked for me as well. I'm really happy with where we are now, and we would never have gotten here if I hadn't been ok with just letting things unfold. But I needed some time too. Obviously that doesn't work for most people, and I'm not saying you should be ok with how he's handled things. But calling him out about your unhappiness about his lack of communication let him know early on that it wouldn't work for you, so he let it go. Him reaching out to you now may very well be exactly what he says it is (even though it doesn't make sense to you), it doesn't mean he's been dating around in the meantime and found no one else and is just coming back around to you. Sometimes what someone is telling you is the truth, whether it makes sense to you or not. That being said, if you want clear definition on what your relationship is right now (and most people would), you probably need to let this one go and tell him you need something more clear and stable than he's able to offer, and that you don't want to just be his sounding board. 3
ShyViolet Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 I think you're absolutely right, he was lonely. If he didn't like you enough to stay with you in the first place, that says it all. Don't trust him if he pops up now all of a sudden seeming interested again. It seems that he sees you as a backup plan. 1
Ellener Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 2 hours ago, FMW said: Contrary to popular opinion, sometimes people really ARE going through things when they say they are, there's nothing more sketchy about it. Especially in 2020 when pretty much everything went wrong for a lot of people.
Miss Spider Posted November 28, 2020 Posted November 28, 2020 I am a woman, but I have done this exact thing before to men I’ve dated. It’s lame, but I have been really lonely and not dating anyone else and decided to go back and talk to people I had dated before. These are people I was various temps of lukewarm about, but options never the less. So why not? Do I suggest to the person who contacted again to let the other person pick up where they left off? No way. First, it’s about self-respect. A lot of what you have done in your post with this guy suggest Pickmeism ( calling him out for not texting. Answering and talking to him after he comes back) Never be someone’s PickMe. They won’t appreciate you as much. Secondly, the chances that it will work out with you guys so you get what you want (and with your glowing post of him, I assume that means a relationship with him), are very, very slim. Like, approaching impossible. Could he have found you to be perfect for him, super into you, but knowing he was not in a place to give you what you need, decided to let you go until he worked things out? Sure. Is it likely? No. Much more likely, he did not feel “it” , and that is what prompted him to not be sure and let you go. Also likely that he’s just run out of other dating options and is going through his list of ‘maybes’. So many likely scenarios before the desirable one. You know what to do. Whether or not you will do it is a completely different story.
major_merrick Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 I've both done it and been on the receiving end of it with girls I've dated. It is kind of an "I'm lonely and have no options, but don't want to commit" kind of behavior. If you aren't interested, leave it alone. I've found that going back to somebody you've moved on from after a couple of dates is just kind of unproductive. Its like...there's a reason you didn't click initially, and that reason is just going to come back again. 2 1
Ami1uwant Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 8 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said: Thanks for taking the time to give me some insight, everyone. We only went out for a short time, so I didn't truly know him that well to begin with which makes me wary of giving him even an inch right now. I did respond, just telling him he didn't need to thank and was glad my kindness had some sort of effect on him. That was the end of the conversation and haven't heard anything since, not sure I will and that's totally fine. Just thought it was all so weird that he reached out anyways, seemingly just to 'thank' me. Out of all the men I've gone out with, he was the last one I expected to ever hear from again as our last conversation really seemed final. Either way, I'm proceeding with extreme caution here. Reality check youwere not the only one he dated. You faded when he focused on another person. Maybe they were hotter or had sex sooner. It didn’t workout. so the slow fade he did was to keep options open and then come back to you if things didn’t work out. you likely didn’t check all his boxes.
Watercolors Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 9 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said: Thanks for taking the time to give me some insight, everyone. We only went out for a short time, so I didn't truly know him that well to begin with which makes me wary of giving him even an inch right now. I did respond, just telling him he didn't need to thank and was glad my kindness had some sort of effect on him. That was the end of the conversation and haven't heard anything since, not sure I will and that's totally fine. Just thought it was all so weird that he reached out anyways, seemingly just to 'thank' me. Out of all the men I've gone out with, he was the last one I expected to ever hear from again as our last conversation really seemed final. Either way, I'm proceeding with extreme caution here. You had two nice dates with him, got wrapped up in what you imagined a future with him would be like. He rejected you. Then later decided to breadcrumb you with this text message because he's bored and lonely and needed an ego boost. And, he knew you'd be receptive to his ego boost request, by responding to his text. Normally, when I see a strange phone number from a text message I just delete it. If it is from a guy I dated in the past, too bad. You know? I delete and move on when things don't work out. Better to do that than store their name and cell phone # in the hopes of him ever contacting you again. He breadcrumbed you because he was bored and lonely. That's all it was. Delete and block his cell phone # and do not respond to any more breadcrumbed text messages from him. No need to proceed with caution, because that statement implies that you will continue texting with him because you want to. Do you? Want to? Just block, delete, and move on. It didn't work out because he wasn't interested in pursuing you the first time around. Insecure men do this to women via text messaging all the time. They text their "backups" hoping for an ego boost, and can string along the poor woman for weeks, with text message exchanges, that essentially go nowhere and never result to meeting in person again. Don't lower yourself to do that with this 2-dates-in-the-past guy.
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 Agree. The holidays is an awkward time to date. Some of that awkwardness may be due to family get togethers and gifts and how to navigate that with someone you just started dating.
OnlyHonesty Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 On 11/28/2020 at 6:24 PM, LibrarianLady89 said: Either way, I'm proceeding with extreme caution here. Proceeding? I do not think it wise to proceed with anything. The guy is emotionally unavailable, and the same thing will happen again if you do not learn from the first time. If you became smitten so quickly, perhaps you should be asking yourself what the true void is that you are currently trying to distract yourself away from.
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted November 29, 2020 Author Posted November 29, 2020 1 hour ago, OnlyHonesty said: Proceeding? I do not think it wise to proceed with anything. The guy is emotionally unavailable, and the same thing will happen again if you do not learn from the first time. If you became smitten so quickly, perhaps you should be asking yourself what the true void is that you are currently trying to distract yourself away from. By proceed I certainly don’t mine I’m going to delude myself into thinking anything had changed. By proceed with caution, I mean be wary the next time he reaches out, if he does. I became smitten very quickly because, as I said, he checked all my boxes and such. It’s not something that happens with everyone I go out with. In fact, it rarely happens at all so I don’t think there’s any void I’m trying to fill. I think I met someone I really liked, put too much faith into it, and it didn’t work out and I was disappointed. But I still think it’s valid to be curious about him reaching out again without having any intention of just falling back into that.
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